Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Kidnapping negotiator kidnapped in Sao Paulo

 It all took less than five minutes and the blue Volvo S60 which Mr.Octavio Carrera dos Santos 58 was bundled in  sped off like the wind. Carrera a well known kidnapping negotiator who has been running his own kidnapping negotiating consultancy  since retiring three years ago as a stock broker was way laid in his Toyota station wagon at approximately 19:45hrs SPT[sao paulo time] as he was waiting for the gates of his home to open.

Normally kidnappings don't make headlines any more in Brazil unless it involves o a high profile and rich  individual or their families but  mister Carrera's case shook the nation not that he was very high profile or rich but interestingly one of the statistics which make up the rising numbers of kidnapping negotiator kidnappings and attempted kidnappings.


 a CAD of a similar vehicle  used to kidnap the kidnap negotiator. It is believed to have been a stolen vehicle but neither the negotiator nor the Volvo have been found yet


"Nevertheless, Carrera is well known and by all measures a celebrity to many individual Paulistas as residents of Sao Paulo are known who have enlisted his services and several others in the same field to secure the release of their friends or relatives who were held captive for ransom.

" the guy negotiated from 10,000 Brazilian Reals to 5,000 for the release of my brother- now who can beat that" said Xavier; which goes to show Carrera was not only in the service of the rich but also the less well off.

"And what's interesting-wait for it- all free of charge, not a single Reais " he added and such was his generosity.

But don't be fooled Carrera was not a struggling and/or rookie kidnapping negotiator.

" he is one of the most sought after kidnapping negotiators not only in Brazil but our neighbours such as Colombia and Mexico" said Seargent Uluiru of the Anti-kidnapping division [DAS] " and this was the more reason we kept his name out of the public domain as much as we could but it is obvious we can't do that any more thanks to the 'gangs'" added Uluiru referring to the kidnapping negotiator kidnappers.

Though the main reason for kidnapping is economic  details slowly emerging show that no ransom appeal has been made for Carrera for the last 48 hrs; the normal waiting period thresh-hold.

Due to the cut-throat competition in the kidnapping business of the most entrepreneurial city in Latin America , supply has been driving ransom demand;as you read earlier as low as 5,000 Reals. So has the need for tough negotiators.

It is believed that kidnappers who didn't even know they needed professional kidnapping negotiators and the kidnapped persons' family members who had not heard of such a thing are now waking up to the new reality.

"It is a push-pull situation with the professionals who were in short supply to begin with, even in shorter supply and this takes to extreme the market forces of demand and supply. Too much demand with too little supply eventually leads to the 'when push comes to shove' scenario we are seeing now" explained Dr. Yoaquin PhD.MBA, an economist based in Sao Paulo.

"as you can see, even the poor are not kidnap proof anymore" said Valentino an official of the PNSP[national plan for public safety].

" it's no longer secret there is need for tougher kidnapping negotiators on both ides". Even the rich are pretty hard to milk" he added.

"The payment was usually agreed upon and the exchange happened in a matter of days-now it takes months. As the gangs say time is money;and you're not the only Paulistas waiting to be kidnapped or [mother of Christ forbid] re-kidnapped." concluded Valentino

Finally, Uluiru got communication from Carrera's family members. A newspaper cutting which assured the family their loved one is going to fine and will be treated humanely and if he co-operates they might even send them a few thousand American dollars.

There was no word-yet, of when they will release him but a full search was on-going  in all the outlying favelas[informal settlements aka slums]

Seargent Uluiru expressed  fears he was being flown to Bogota or Somalia or Afghanistan or Niger or heaven knows where.

 ©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Monday, 28 December 2009

Somali Pirates describe buccaneering activities as beneficial to marine biodiversity

 The infamous Gulf of Eden Somali Pirates have come out strongly in defence of their reputation amid allegations of being greedy opportunists.

"We are defenders of the seas  with a profound regard to civil liberties, human life and believe no religion means no harm against an other" said Jaffar Mohammad, a pirate as he handed their captives a plate of chips and grilled fish for Christmas.

The Somali Pirates  have been regarded in much of the west as selfish and greedy opportunists taking advantage of the lawlessness in their country to patrol the seas at will and capture ships for ransom.

But at home and in much of the horn of Africa, it is a different story. As early as November they were enjoying an approval rating  of  as high as seventy percent.

This does not come as a surprise to them since they are credited with reviving the  local economy  through their generous  consumerism and real estate investments.

"Our mission is not to rob from the rich and spend it on ourselves" said Shakir Jamma-Welli  a former fisherman turned 'maritime expert' whose main job is to act as 'the brain' of the pirates due to his vast knowledge of the sea.
   this Chinese fishing  trawler was captured because it lacked a fresh coat of paint and appeared not so sea-worthy. Imagine the harm to marine ecology  if it sinks


"As soon as i make enough money to build a house, buy a four by four and marry a beautiful second wife, am out" he said.

Since the piracy business took off, local  fishermen who could not 'jump ship' as it were, for one reason or the other have reported abundant catches since the pirates have scared away the Chinese and Filipino trawlers which were plundering their seas and stealing their God given fish.

"they were the real pirates" said Shukri a local fisherman.

Environmentalists and Ocean people agree.Professor Wendy Berghdal of the Danish Maritime Institute [DMI]  attributed the re-emergence of undersea flora and fauna to the active buccaneering activities in the region but  stopped short of glorifying the pirates for political correctness reasons.

" we are seeing the revival of coral polyps in regions where we had written off completely. This is a good development but we also acknowledge preserving our sea's biodiversity is a work in progress" said Bergdahl.

" I am ready to lend support to any initiatives which  ensure the environmental degraders don't  come back, even if it means supporting..eh..uuuhh... UNICEF" she added.

The Pirates privately acknowledged the positive aspects of their actions and wished 'if only the whole world could see things this way'.

" honestly speaking the environment wasn't necessarily on our to do list but given the positive buzz it has generated, it is not such a toxic by product" said Mahmoud Dhahir in an off the cuff remark.

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Sunday, 27 December 2009

al-Qaeda denies link to failed suicide plane bomber

Californian born Adan Gadahn, American  spokesman for the world's most successful terror network al-Qaeda denied involvement 'whether financial, material, logistical, ideological or otherwise' to the failed plane bombing of a Detroit bound Northwest Airline Flight 253 owned by Delta airlines on Christmas day.



  "why did the dummy wait till it released the landing gear, that's not our style, we do it mid air" said Gadahn


This followed allegations by a certain  23 year old Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab a Nigerian born  Mechanical Engineering student in UCL[University CollegeLondon] and now a bona-fide failed kamikaze who tried to down a plane on Christmas day.

In a prepared  good quality video Gadahn said 'to begin with and considering our  track record, we are not an organisation of failures and half-baked terrorists-or plane bombers so to speak'.

"let me make one thing  clear. That kid is lying" he said.
 
Terror and behavioral experts who studied the tape  noted a high  percentage of sincerity taking into account the number of times Gadahn wagged his first finger and maintained a steady gaze whilst talking but the FBI had reservations.

" he could be the best actor they have- who knows they got drama classes we don't know about and is it coincidence he comes from California the home of Hollywood" said Mark Leggins, not his real name [a secret agent].

George Drake, a retired US army explosive expert now running his own consultancy entertained the fact al-Qaeda might not be wholly involved but 'we have their fingerprints in that failed mission' and 'they definitely knew what was going on', a charge vehemently denied by Gadahn.

"the explosives, a powder and some liquid which it is understood the boy strapped in his sock and some sewed on his pants are all signatures of the network- i know they are fond of Glycerine." said Drake

"But the incompetence; 20minutes in the bathroom, melted syringe, pop sound, it just doesn't add up. He could have heaven forbid done in the bathroom for all al-Qaeda cares. It's still part of the plane isn't it" he added, underscoring the fact he did not intend the explosives to go off unless he is misunderstood.

"the only logical explanation- the kid was Yellow-militarily and militantly speaking"

On this, Gadahn agreed.

" what Jihadist will get all jumpy and sweaty palms on the promise of paradise" he added conveniently leaving out the virgin part for PG.

the bombers Dad, a prominent banker in Lagos Mr Umaru Abdulmuttalab said he got concerned with his boys radical view and shared his concerns with authorities who he believed had him a some terrorist list or the other.

Nigerian authorities denied Farouk was a Nigerian citizen.

" we in Nigeria are better known to the world for the 419 financial scams, the yahoo! yahoo! boys not blowing up planes. We are the  yahoo! yahoo! boys not the bang! kaboom! boys" said an official who requested his name not be pulished.

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Saturday, 26 December 2009

New York Voted Saddest City In The World

New York city has been voted   as the saddest city in the world. At the time of reporting  the criteria for the  study by a yet to be named not-for-profit think tank had not been revealed but it is believed the subway and the rat-race  were major factors.

                              a typical new yorker during happier times. Inset, citizen Adolf in an undated file photo taken either a few days after 9/11 '01 or 9/15 '08- twin events which shook up the world and the world economy in this fucked up decade



"Am a typical new yorker" said Ashley Tudd a single mother of two " and i don't think we needed a study to figure that out" she added.

In downtown Manhattan, we managed to interview a few taxi drivers  about the study. Many said they were not qualified to give an informed perspective because honestly, they had not got the 'breaking news'.
"but as a matter of personal opinion on the matter, i think the Big Apple is a such a fucked up place to raise a kid" said Jay O'Reilly a cab driver.

"what's with downtown Manhattan and traffic at six and let's not even get to the dial-a-dope jay walkers, almost knocked down a dope shit las' night" he added.

Though a majority of the city dwellers especially in the CBD were negative, and cynical about any future for the country's financial and banking capital ever achieving happiness in the foreseeable future, questions were to be raised about the authenticity of the study.

"first of all i have to say most of the questionnaires and interviews involved  the minorities and even street people" said Leila Hirsh a social worker.These are the most lop sided and negatively opinionated individuals in any society.

"and why did they spend so much time at the Bronx"

social scientist Nina Schleps also begged  to disagree with the survey. "New York city has the highest number of resident millionaires in the country compared to say...Miami [FL]" she said. And she explained from her professional perspective'there is a a strong correlation  between money and general well being' so this survey could not have been.

She also sensed a little bit of think tank manipulation. " and why do we have these kinds of surveys at the
beginning and /or end of the decade and is itjust me or coincidence that these are the periods we experienced the collapse of the WTC and Lehman Brothers

" i wish they would have been here after the invasion of Iraq or  somewhere mid-decade to experience the feeling of camaraderie and appreciate our sense of humor" she said.

"our happiness levels were soaring way beyond the New York skyline" she concluded.

Upon receiving the news, New York billionaire mayor  'king' Mike Bloomberg  of  Bloomberg Inc. and author of Bloomberg by Bloomberg, Harper Collins described it as a 'sad day' for New York


©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Friday, 25 December 2009

Seasons Report From NORAD

NORAD didn't disappoint  in it's usual tradition of tracking down St. Nick who exists in the innocent hearts and minds of kids.
By using sophisticated technology of geosynchronous orbital satellites, fighter jets,  since 1998 web cams, and now facebook and twitter .NORAD makes live broadcasts and journeys from south pole to the last drop-off of his 60,000 tonne [this year] load of goodies to all the good boys and girls of God's green earth.

Canadian CF-18 fighter jets intercepting  the chubby fellow yesterday  at around 0136hrs GMT just about when he was ascending from the Himalayas after a drop-off  of Capitalist Manifesto copies to the Tibetan children populace.

Another sighting by the supersonic F-16's escort jets caught a video of St. Nick taking a pee break apparently hanging precariously from the sleighs edge, one hand on the Reindeer halters, the other holding his willy, moving at well..fantastic supersonic speeds.

"ho! ho! ho! he was heard ho-hoing, urging his Reindeer team of Dancer, Prancer, Comet, Cupid,
  the leading light Rudolf and of course a crimson red painted Pratt and Whitney tugged snugly behind the sleigh "we can't afford to stop, we are already behind schedule" he said.

The rest of the Reindeer team had been let go following the adoption of this technological marvel   and as Rudolf put it ' oh! the dead weight was pretty much slowing us down'.

"everybody has to carry his own weight up here, except, of course, Santa" he added.

But Santa being the generous, kind hearted  Santa that he is deployed them to the Santa Bakery to pull sleigh-loads fresh baked confectionery.

"though this new job is not as 'high profile' as he last, we can't complain" said Blitzen on his new responsibilities.

"  you should see the guys down there on earth-not even McDonalds could take them in to flip burgers" he added.

Well, Santa could be delayed but not denied- he sure does exist.

Peace on Earth and goodwill to all men

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Thursday, 24 December 2009

Army Private thought southern Sudan was in Afghanistan

 Soon to be deployed  Private Josh Ludkin has revealed that all along his BCT[basic combat training] he actually thought southern Sudan was in Afghanistan.

Speaking to reporters outside his family porch during a last visit to say  goodbye to his family, neighbours and girlfriend before joining his comrades in preparation for the 'surge', Private Josh admitted this fact, head bowed slightly in shame.

When asked by reporters how he came about this crucial piece of  geographical enlightenment which in real combat can mean the difference between life and where you'd be retreating to, Josh 23 cited the power of online  gaming.

" it was a Sunday afternoon and i was slouching in front of my Mac Pro when i stumbled upon this Energyville game. I recalled the Chevron logo because i remember seeing it in my Dad's back issues of  The Economist subscriptions and it has a ring with the military too". he said.

 " I didn't play the game much, it had jargon stuff like 'sustainablity' and  'clean energy' and wasn't as much fun as the mmorpgs like  Alganon or World of Warcraft. What caught my attention was southern Sudan written somewhere and i said..wait...isn't this where seargent said we'd be heading?  so i Binged it up and... hellooo!! the shocker. The world as i knew it had changed with the click of a mouse" he added.

Harvard historian Geoff  Madison PhD. described Josh's Geographical ineptitude as 'disturbing especially for an American soldier who are some of the most travelled exposed people' in the United States  but fell short of using the word appalling.

"given his age and  low rank in the army he is obviously a newbie and  there is a good chance by the time he was getting his geography lessons in High school, Sudan was still a single, this very huuuuge country...eh..if am not...yap! am right" said Dr. Geoff Madison after a quick glance on his PDA as if to check an incoming mail.

Meanwhile, Josh reveled in  his new found  knowledge and took the initiative to 'share' it on facebook and posted every minute detail on the micro blogging site twitter. His Dad even promised him a ticket to Disneyland as a Christmas gift for all the media buzz he had created around himself and by extension the family and the small neighbourhood in  Marlin County.

        "now, if only i could figure out where the hell is Carmen san diego"


"an d if he can repeat the stunt in 2010, we are are spending Christmas Bethlehem and new year in Adelaide. Well, not that i know these places very well but the tour company sure does; in the brochure" added his father.

After all, there is no much difference between these two countries now is there. They are both hot, dry, rocky very inhospitable, near the middle east and where Kalashnikovs are much cheaper than Santa- suit deliveries to Helmand Province.

But Private Josh was not done on impressing in his new found geographical  prowess.

"now if only i could figure out where the hell is Carmen San Diego" he murmured to himself as he furiously scrolled and typed away on his white keyboard.

" or maybe Private Ludkin is not as dumb as he'd like us believe. There is probably a town called southern Sudan in southern Afghanistan-right now or in the not so near future just like we have a state called Georgia and a whole country by the same name in Europe, we have a town called Obama in Japan and  just like we have a town called Manchester in New York" said Dr. Madison.

"this kid is a genius" he concluded

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Thou Shalt Shoplift, When Starving

Father Tim Jones, the Parish priest of York advised his congregation in a pre-Christmas sermon that it is okay for the poor to shoplift- as long as they are starving. It is important to note he advised the poor to steal what they need for as long  as they will need it and as long as it's not money.

"Let me make this clear, this is to all the stingy corporations of the world-you know yourselves" said Father Tim.

"stealing is bad, very bad indeed but we know the economy, we know how Scroogey  society can be to the scroungy and no matter how well intentioned my motives are, a vicar's salary is just not enough to donate everywhere and with the lack of a trade union recognition, negotiating for a pay rise makes it as difficult as  hitting a parish wall with a hymn book and expecting a dent" he added.

The sermon  was well received by his  parishioners who promised to follow up on the brilliance of their shepherd, and generally the world.

 " i think father Tim has a good point. I just came out of prison last week for purse snatching- i really needed the money to buy food" said Chuck an ex-prisoner who sat through the whole sermon without a single wink.

" now i know better than stealing money to buy food" he added with a wink.

Not surprising, there was equal opposition from people whom Father Tim described as 'people who do not give the arc light or similar' and thus wouldn't hear none of their views but promised to take heed of their concerns.

But surprisingly also, was much of the disdain came from  Africa, the most impoverished and vulnerable continent in the world.

"this only goes to show the west is losing it and it's time for the African church to take over" said Pastor   Victor Tumuusime of the Repentance Now Evangelical Ministries in Kampala, Uganda.

          the good shepherd; young, outspoken and handsome


"first it was a gay [male] bishop, then another gay [female] bishop and now this. This is a re-writing of the ten   commandment and Moses must be rolling i his grave as i speak" he added.

As if by coincidence, the Ugandan parliament is debating  a law criminalizing some 'strange and unnatural' aspects of gay people, a move which naturally, has been condemned by the west as a violation of fundamental human rights.


Wal-mart UK who had a feeling  Father Tim deliberately targeted them to negatively affect their end of  year bottom line described his sermon as 'one psalm short of a sermon' and accused him of preaching out of context from either the GITA or some other religious book they know little about.

However father Tim got sympathies and support from unexpected but not necessarily unfamiliar quarters.

The BBA[British Bankers Association]  praised him for his boldness and risk taking attitude.

"these are some of the sought after qualities in the industry and..what the hell stealing is so overrated" said BBA in a statement which was later withdrawn.


 ©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Monday, 21 December 2009

Mosquito Net Campaigners Disappointed Most Donated Nets Used As Bath Sponges

Nothing but nets.net, a campaign website driven by the passion of it's donors who donate money to buy mosquito nets for the African child, has reported in a finding that in most instances the nets are cut  into 4 by 6 and 10 by 10 pieces to be used respectively by children and ignorant adults as bath sponges.

This report comes as a disappointment to nothingbutnets.net founders who lobby hard for the children of Africa to have some protection from the deadly malaria disease which claims about a million young lives a year only for their efforts to be subjected to the contempt of  scummy bathwater.

"you know, if we wanted cleaner African children we would be doing a 'one small bathtub per child' campaign" said a  visibly irritated Jamie, communications director of the worthy cause.

George Abayomi, a volunteer  for the organisation named  Ugandan as the worst affected in the east African region but quickly moved on to explain countries like Bulungu and  Bayengele are "just as terrible".

" not that i have anything against the Ugandans but it's time we call a spade a spade and to be honest, they are the worst violators thus far" he added.

Ashton Kutcher's led Twitter-celeb mosquito nets programme which plans to provide 600 million nets by 2010 was re-considering strategy.

" maybe we should aim for a billion fly swats" suggested a top aide.

A visit by the NewsYnc-Africa team  to verify facts on the ground found out not only was mosquito net misuse widespread amongst the population but the insecticide accompanying it was being used  for seed dressing [a chemical application  before planting to protect seeds from disease and insects].
     one of the rare cases of a mosquito net being put in it's rightful use

On further inquiry, the local Plant and Animal husbandry officer denied the allegations but on production of  evidence he admitted these were isolated cases and went on further saying  nothingbutnets.net was partly to blame.

" they didn't leave any money for training and ten o'clock tea so you can't put blame on us completely"

After a long day our team finally took to the waters of Lake Victoria for a quick  dip to counter the mid-afternoon   heat when one of us had his leg caught up under something.

"for Chrissake if they could only stop using the mosquito nets for fishing "

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Santa To The World: Expect Delays

Saint Nicholas aka Saint Niklaus aka Father Christmas announced  Sunday there will be delays on delivery  to the young[and the young at heart]. He blamed this on a complex series of man made factors which seemed to conspire at the most un-opportune of  times to make his noble mission of merry giving and general cheer  a logistical nightmare.

                                        ho!ho!ho! we have a problem

"well, first of all i can't say climate change has got any better this year than it was last year and it didn't help much we had a lot of Homo-Sapiens blowing a lot of hot air in the so called climate conference in my backyard" he said.

" couldn't they do this in Bangladesh" he added.

 The melting runway makes it harder for the red cloaked middle aged philanthropist to take off safely  and need we say if things keep going the way they are there won't be any runway for take off.

But his scientific elves disclosed a contingency plan in any case this would come to pass.
"Presents delivery  is such a crucial undertaking we're not leaving anything to chance" said Christmas elf Sunny Sparkly-toes, head of R&D at elflab.

"we're designing a gyro-sleigh for future missions which, am sad to say will render Rudolph and his team of Reindeer jobless" he added.


It goes without mentioning Santa's kitty has been tight lately. Donations have been dropping owing to the credit crunch and to make ends meet he has been forced to dig into his pension account and Mrs. Claus's Arthritis claims money.

" not that i don't mean well for my dear wife but i promised to pay her back as soon as things look up- with interest" he said.

Meanwhile, little boys who behaved well for the year will have to make do with an Optimus Prime truck which doesn't transform to an Optimus prime and little girls will have a chemo-bald barbie doll.

" demand for synthetic hair in Africa is at an all time high which has driven up prices" explained elf  Bouncy Bed-head.

But Santa's  marketing  panel being ingenious as usual decided instead of delivering nothing to the naughty ones, in an agreement with paypal they will deliver virtual 'Euro-only' penalties to their parents to offset their naughtiness;  based on a naughtiness scale of 1-100.

"Apart from feeling good about themselves and their spoilt brats; we really need the money"

The newly placed orders of a GPS and sun-dial on their way from the manufacturer in Paris to Liverpool  and eventual shipping to Antarctica was delayed  following a seven hour Eurostar Bullet train breakdown in the Channel tunnel.

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Saturday, 19 December 2009

All Tiger All The Time

 Well, we had to wait till the fuss on Woods had died down or else we didn't think we'd get any 'cyber attention' for our rendition on mister Woods and since everybody was having a piece of some Tiger action we had to admit the temptation was too much to resist.

Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods is a talented Calibnasian[ caucasian, black, american, indian and asian]golf player who has been recently in the news following a series of  'weird' Cadillac Escalade SUV crashes which led to even 'weirder' alleged allegation which culminated to his postponement of any golfing activities till further notice.      

 always a swinger


On November 25 2009 the National Enquirer  published a story Tiger was having extramarital affairs which he promptly denied. It was actually marriage counseling, something to do with life-work balance- a married life, having two kids and need i not mention a high profile career as a professional golfer and if you are  not married yet...

 This was followed by a series of explainable crashes at around 2:30am  in his SUV. He first crashed on a hedge because he was trying to avoid a black cat crossing the road- be kind to animals and put on a happy face.

 As he successfully avoided the cat and hit the well trimmed hedge, he reversed and probably hit a water hydrant because of a manufacturing fault in the Distronic[warning] system of his 2009 CE-suv.

It is reported Cadillac executives apologized personally on phone to mister Woods for the malfunction but the NTSB[national transportation and safety board] is yet to order a recall.

"is it because the same guys happen to make the President's armoured vehicle and/or know people in high places? and how come the tabloids never picked on this?"

Before we veer off topic, as Tiger was pulling back to the road and really getting a grip on it, he hit a tree. That's when we suspected he might have had one too many for the night which is very unusual since his known indulgence was spending time on his boat-not drinking; nah!! just doesn't add up.

Luckily, his wife was riding on the passenger side or plausible still, could have been in the back seat that's why she was unhurt and came to his rescue.

Woods got away with lacerations on his face though it is confirmed no Gillette product was on the dashboard or  [heaven forbid] in  possession by his wife.  

He thanked his wife for the brave gesture and apologised for endangering his career and her life.

Aftewards, needless to say several women from a cocktail waitress to a porn star all numbering about 12 or probably a higher figure, sensing opportunity for a quick buck came forward with a series of truths and half-truths trying to put together pieces of what led to the series of 'weird' crashes.

Unfortunately, as of the time of reporting, no reward has been announced as yet for solving this Rubik's cube of a hell of a series of events.
one Black Hawk down, one to go


Meanwhile, Gatorade announced it won't be represented by mister Woods- as any doctor would advise; no sugared water for convalescents.

Accenture decided he was "no longer the right representative", Gillette suspended it's sponsorship-he's not the best a woman should get for now- followed by the Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer who claimed his time was up and he needed to spend more time with his family anyway.

"what was he doing in the marriage counselors office in the first place" they asked.

Nike thought ahead and decided to keep him since he had the "swoosh". "

"hey, this is Tiger he can  do it" said a Nike executive.

"Go Tiger go,just do it" he added

On recent [unrelated] news, a sports doctor  Antony Galea is accused of giving HGH [human growth hormone] to athletes including administering a special blood -spinning technique to Tiger to which it is said he responded well.

As of December, 33yr old Tiger's popularity had dropped to a low of 33pc from highs of 88pc following the 'gross, legally unsubstantiated misunderstandings of the past month' according to his lawyers.

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Friday, 18 December 2009

'Sri-Lankan handball team' still at large

Just to refresh your memory it was in September 2004 when the 'Sri-Lankan National handball team' disappeared in Germany during following a sports  exchange programme and since then none has shown up at least to give their side of the story-not even a phone interview.

" oh! man it was a long time ago and believe even if they showed up now; we won't do anything to them-honest" said Dietmer Doering  the Exchange organiser at the time.

"and i gotta give it to those miscreants" he added.

Well, five years is sure a long time to go underground[an stay in the woods] and what's interesting is Herr Dietmer thought the 23 person 'strong' team including ' coach', 'manager' and 'trainers' had " got lost in the woods while jogging".

To say these gentlemen were geniuses of sorts will be an understatement and i world point a finger at the German immigration  department; at least  not then because a determined soul can fool and breach the tightest of security and protocol- take the case of the Salahis.

In fact we think they should be given  a 'posthumous' award of some kind. If we have an award for the unluckiest investors, those who lost the most in the financial  crisis capped with a holiday destination we sure can create one the the most ingenious absconders. It  took a little more than guts to pull that off.

It will be in order to mention a smart soul re-enacting the embarrassing episode. Machan, a movie which was well received but most important was not banned  by the local Taliban LTTE [Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam] in fact they thought it made their race look  superior. The Germans like it too.

This was a first for Uberto Persolini, an Italian former investment banker  turned filmmaker with  co-scriptwriter did a good job of capturing the light comedy in the  misery faced by many immigrants and would be immigrants and the poverty which leads them to do what they do[or about to do].

Veering off the dominant topic of the civil war, which  many movies are based  and the prominent assassinations with the most recent being of  anti-government journalist Lasantha Wickrematunge was a main ingredient for their success.

And what do we have to say to that; a prosperous Islamic new year 1431 to you all.

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Eritrean footballers diasppear in Kenya

 It has come to our attention [rather  late i must say] that a dozen Eritrean footballers have disappeared zap!  like a magicians trick,  into thin air after their CECAFA match in Nairobi. It is unclear why they pulled the disappearing act but being kicked out of the tournament has not been ruled out yet the main  reason.

the team in a file photo camouflaged as the Super Eagles. Okay guys, here's the plan. We all change our names to Dennis Oliech

" i was waiting for them at the terminal on the day of departure, well as it appeared i waited, and waited and waited and waited; it was like waiting for Godot thats when it dawned on me nobody, not a single one of them was to show up" said Salum Wedi-Regbe  their tour guide.

" one or two individuals that's okay but a whole team, this sounds like a conspiracy and i bet the Ethiopians have something to do with this" he added.

Though the players have broken the law, the  foreign minister assured them no legal or inhumane disciplinary action will be taken on  their return [if they return at all that is].

Cecafa secretary general a mister Musonye described the incident as unfortunate but assured their coach the players were within the country indeed Nairobi.

" we think they are hiding somewhere with the intention of going somewhere or just intending to remain here" he added.

Unconfirmed reports confirm that the players had approached the UNHCR-Nairobi offices to apply for political asylum.

Absconding  is not a new phenomenon in the world of sport or indeed African soccer since we always have cases of third world players going underground whenever they travel for international matches in developed countries.

"What makes the Eritrean experience unique is the fact that they 'awol' as it were in a third world country, from a third world country in the same continent and geographical region; East Africa" said  Niklaus Brandt a footballing scout.

" and it doesn't help that Nairobi already has a sizable population of people of Ethiopian and Eritrean heritage; this helps them blend so well like tea with milk. C'mon guys, these two people are not that different" he added.

Taking into consideration that Eritrea is a breakaway republic of Ethiopia, like South Ossetia is to Georgia it's hard to argue.

This is not the first time though; they did it the last time they lost their quarter final Cecafa match 4-0 to Tanzania, in Tanzania and pulled a fast one in Uganda too.

In other news, the Sri-Lanka national  handball team members who disappeared in Germany five years ago have not been found but that's a story for tommorow.

The oddball is, Sri-Lanka didn't even know of their disappearance because it doesn't even have a national handball team.

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Silvio Berlusconi hits a cathedral statuette with his face

 It is reported the Italian Prime minister allegedly hit a  marble statue with his face or was hit by a limestone cathedral gargoyle or it was thrown at him or maybe was dropping and flew towards him  while he was signing autographs and/or giving hi-fives to his [mostly] supporters after a political rally near Milan's central Piazza del Duomo.

                                    see, am fine. just a flesh wound 



If it was ever thrown at him, it is not clear the assailant Massimo Tartaglia, 42 or probably  Montessimos Tartaglia who could pass as 47 years old was responsible for the vicious attack which cost the PM two of his teeth but unofficial reports put the number of knocked out teeth as six

Montessimos or Massimo or  whatever was suspected to be mentally unstable at the time of the attack by eyewitness  Berlusconi  supporters but again who amongst them is not.

The incident as expected, shocked the political establishment  and was condemned in strong words by some of Italy's politicians.

Umberto Bossi, leader of the Northern league, a  coalition partner of the PM's People of Liberty party condemned the incident as "an act of terrorism".

Former Italian opposition leader Walter Veltroni  described it as a 'barbaric act of discontentment with a politician which he wouldn't wish happening to himself'

" what if it was a sawed-off shotgun" he added

As the Prime Minister was recovering at the 'Saint' Raffaelle or 'Santa' Raffaelle hospital which could be a private clinic, a number of conspiracy theories have been doing the rounds within Italy  trying to explain this mysterious, uncalled for series of terrible events.

" i fear this is the  work of Cosa Nostra. Since Berlusconi turned his back on that Mafia turncoat and started   arresting its members, well, what do you expect when a serpente[snake] is cornered? of course it strikes back" said a Napoli[Naples] resident whose name or even sex we cannot reveal for obvious reasons.

Corriere della Sera describes such theories as pure nonsense.



 ©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Monday, 14 December 2009

Italian Pizza makers lash out at America for making non-conforming, non-standard Pizzas

 Italian Pizza makers have lambasted the CIA [culinary institute of america] for making Pizzas not conforming to the internationally  agreed upon specifications.

Speaking to reporters outside Tony Pizza, Fabrizio, a cook at the popular Pizzeria explained a real and genuine Pizza Napoletana had to be 3mm thick, 11/2 cm thick at the edges and the rim should be slanting upwards at an angle of 75 degrees from the base of the plate on which it is served.

" anything less, well you will be eating something but definitely not the genuine, authentic Napoletana" he said.

"oh! almost forgot. The topping need contain basil, San Marzano tomatoes and  mozzarella di Bufala Campana cheese"

This came amidst allegations that CIA graduates have been making non-compliant variants of the original delicacy but the Italians were most infuriated by the use of kneading machines whilst the instructions were very clear 'hand kneading only'.

American pizzas making which for long has contained local toppings such as cheeseburgers and barbecued chicken to the ire of the Italians, has also been described as mediocre and rebellious.

" pizza is an Italian dish so we call the shots and this has got nothing to do with big brother" said Annastacio Paccelini an Italian tourist to Manhattan.

"it's a shame they can't even make  [variant] Pizza Margherita right"

                the genuine napoletana; measurements, toppings and all


Under pressure and and following the negative publicity  CIA promised to review it's syllabus and a 'pie in the face' of the principal considered largely a publicity stunt for the cameras.











©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Saturday, 12 December 2009

cinema goers complain: why doesn't Keanu say 'Klaatu Barada Nikto' in that final scene,you know, towards the end

 From our cinema goers complaints department, it has been brought to our attention by a section of movie goers that Klaatu [Keanu Reeves], the star in the 2008 remake of the 1951 hit movie The Day The Earth Stood Still doesn't actual say ' Klaatu barada nikto' towards the end.

The movie about an alien, Klaatu who has been sent to earth to warn humans about the damage they are doing to the environment and change their ways or be exterminated was considered by critics an apt themed sci-fi and very environmentally enlightening.

The revelation came as a shock especially because  our department is celebrating exactly one year after  it was official on the theatrical release poster that the world would stand still on 12.12.08 .

"and isn't it Keanu himself who insisted the line be included in the remake then how come he doesn't say it" said Andrea 'Dragguz' Valenti sole founder and administrator of the 70plus member strong [and still growing] facebook group KLAATU BARADA  NIKTO in which one of our writers is also a proud member.

Fans around the world were also let down to learn that it might not be nominated for the most  environmental friendly film in the ongoing Copenhagen Climate Conference 2009 in the Danish capital  and die-hards are planning mass demonstrations early Sunday, weather permitting.

" i mean this is crazy" said Karl AslÇ¿g a Copenhagenner. " this single movie has done more to bring awareness to the perils of global warming since 1951 and whats more it discovered much earlier who was responsible-humans.Much earlier than any exaggerated or dodgy  scientific paper or evidence" he added.

At least they would have recognised  Jaden Smith's perfomance- wasn't he just cute; what a brat "




CCC organisers explained the films production had a way bigger carbon footprint to be considered 'good for the earth' and also no carbon credit paycheque has [as yet] been honoured to the LDC [ least developed country] involved namely Congo.

Phone calls to the director Scott Derrickson  and  20th Century Fox were not immediately returned.

And by the way, the GORT was too tall but damn!! why didn't he just say Klaatu barada nikto?

" the viewers must have been from Africa particularly sub- saharan so we ommited the phrase" said Lock Wess, the films publicist

" and given nobody  knew for a fact what Klaatu barada nikto actually meant, we were cautious. There's a pretty good chance it might mean 'nigger please, freeze or...leave' in any of the 3000plus  African dialects and nobody wanted any trouble with the NAACP[ National Association for the Advancement of Colonised People] " he concluded


©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Suicide bomber disappointed when he discovers all 72 virgins are lesbian

 A former suicide bomber [the late] Abdul-Aziz al-Mukhairi was disappointed approximately 0213hrs Friday morning on reaching Hades when he was presented with his 'gift' of 72 virgins only to discover later on that they were all lesbians.

" what kind of joke is this" retorted an angry Mukhairi. "the amir's[General] instructions were clear; seven-two pure, untouched virgins. Am as screwed as hell" he added.

Officials at Hades could not immediately establish the cause of the terrible mix-up and when Mukhairi insisted on talking to their supervisor they directed him to an underground dungeon.

Beelzebub, the chief Lieutenant of Lucifer was helpful and considering the 'graveness of the matter' as he put it promised to get him in touch with his boss as soon as he was done roaming the earth for the day.

Meanwhile, as Mukhairi pondered his next move, he struck rapport with with a one Ata, a [former] kamikaze who got wind of his situation. " news travels fast around here and i couldn't help but sympahise with your case" said Ata. " but i have to admit i envy you. Immediately i crashed that plane i was teleported  down here." he said.

"I got my virgins alright but they were all male" he added.

Following lengthy inquiries not to mention  Hades fight to save face Ata was served with a written notice from the Department of  Iniquity  which read in part:

" Dear Shk. Ata,  apologies for the gross injustices and emotional pain brought upon you as a result our Delivery department failure for delivering you the right prize in the wrong package as a result of your valour and martydom. we have however been advised by our legal department not to accept liability as the clause was clear- 72 virgins PERIOD. Never specified male, female or anything in between. For any further clarification or inquiries please...."

"and they told me goods once delivered, not returnable. Am telling you my friend we can't trust Satan anymore" he concluded.

But according to our Hellish sources, we discovered the main culprit for the mix-up was a typing error which described  [now deceased] mister Ata as a female suicide bomber, a one Darine Abu Aisha.

On sensing there was no chance of him ever getting his 'promise' of  72 straight virgins  Mukhairi grew desperate and asked if, maybe,at least... one virgin could be arranged for.

Lucifer replied "no can do" but apologised for the distress caused and promised him it won't  happen again.

Al-Mukhairi's desperation  was quickly replaced by anger. Wagging his finger in defiance while muttering something like "may you burn in fire and brimstone", he left the roon banging the huge wrought iron door behind him.

Asked by  reporters what his next move will be al-Mukhairi said he will be suing The Emperor of Hell and his fallen host  for false advertising.

 ©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Friday, 11 December 2009

cinema goers complain: Why is there no s3x scene in the Transformers- Revenge ofthe fallen


 from our cinema-goers complaints department, it is reported that most fans of the Transformers film franchise felt disappointed even let down with the exclusion of a s3x scene from the sequel of Transformers 2007,  Revenge of the fallen.

A bona fide blockbuster   by any standards and one of the talked about films of the year ending  2009 thanks to aggressive promos from HASBRO the big ass American toymaker which holds the rights to the Transformers toy line, film critics were also amazed at how a s3xless movie could be such a box office success.

"Given a movie like the Dark Knight..well.. at least  it  had some kissing i suppose; though i can't exactly remember which part and Titanic, yes that 2007 hit. You gotta give some at some point to make it big in Hollywood" said Routtein  Tomaso a film critic.

"what happened to the 80/20 rule in filmaking" asked Jamie Megrahi a sci-fi fan referring to the general rule that a good movie needs to be 80 percent action packed and other stuff  while strictly 20percent romance. " this movie simply is a slap across the face of laid down and tested rules and procedure and whats with that Sam 'wimpy' Witwicky[Shia LaBeouf] guy. Couldn't even tell her onscreen girlfriend [Mikaela] he loves her; onscreen. Was he shy or something" he added.

"it's obvious he didn't know who she was in real life and what kind of name is Shia LaBeouf anyways sounds so gay " he concluded.


Megrahi was not alone in blaming Sam for the lacklustre romantic performance.

Eddy  Schleindelsberger another cinema goer and sci-fi buff  had as he put it 'a Decepticon bone' to pick with the 'fleshling'.

" i mean, who does he think he is to disappoint such a beautiful, poutty  lipped, Tomb Raider look-alike girl for that long- Tiger Woods?" he said.

"huff..Samantha  LaBeouf" you can't trust the French with anything  these days.

While the blame mostly lay with the male teen-age actor most female cinema goers blamed Mikaela for lack of the 20 percent  so much anticipated.
" though it's not mentioned in the film, i think Sam was wary because Mikaela is bisexual- according to the tabloids that is" said a fan who only identified herself as Nikki.

" and Sam's destiny was to save the world anyway, by bringing back Optimus Prime to life to destroy the Decepticons so those expecting some romance from a sci-fi please get a [s3x]  life" she added.

When asked why they waited this long to vent their frustrations the cinema goers said they didn't want to affect the films ratings lest they be slapped a multi million dollar lawsuit on their recession wasted asses, for defamation.

" i know this may sound weird but most of my nerdy friends and their  friend's friends went to watch this one in anticipation of some rough autobot romps  they missed from Transformers 2007- and these guys make up roughly 70percent of the audience" said Megrahi

Co- directors Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay apologised for the slight and promised more bots and even better digitally enhanced ass slappin' special effects in Transformers III as early as July 2011 whether the writers Guild go on strike again or not.

Requests to change or modify the male teenager's  real and onscreen name for promotional purposes was  however politely declined.


©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Friday, 4 December 2009

BILL GATES SNEAKS INTO KENYA

 
 In another  case of an American well known  person sneaking into Kenya 'unknown' and unnoticed was William Henry Bill Gates III, an American  businessman, Philanthropist, nerd, workaholic agnostic richest  man on the planet for the latter part of last century and...

Ok,  he probably would have wanted this shushed and toned down.

Bill Gates a Seattle based businessman and a [global] do-gooder jetted into the country on an undefined day and  date to check out how his humanitarian efforts were making a difference to humans. Gates ran a spot  check on malaria drugs inventory, lasting approximately ten minutes at a local  drugs store in the small town of  Eldoret in the Rift Valley.

" actually, i just hopped  in  for my  holidays and figured i could just pop  in town and check on stuff  just to make sure" he said.

" not that i don't trust these guys with mosquito drugs but, like i said just to make sure none of it lands in the blackmarket in Juba or Ruwanda. We got similar programmes running there too" he added

But close aides determined he has been always hands on and as they said," sometimes struggled with delegation".

And since leaving Microsoft  one and a half years ago time is all he has had to organise and exercise 'fair'   health  care provision to the worlds people with no strings attached. He denied  he was in a race to be the biggest charity but quietly reveled at the thought of  besting Melinda in handing that skinny kid a cup of porridge lest she makes him 'look bad' like in that last round of golf.

"Fortunately nobody was watching".

Gates, clad in a checked shirt, khaki pants and brown shoes roamed freely  as if he owned the small town whose resident he provides  ARV's  through his Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. He was also reported as apparently  roaming  incognito, till he was long gone, according to his PR people in a rental Toyota Regius and  [modest] convoy of  not very shiny  and/or so mettalic black Land  Rovers "did it hit them just who was in town".

Eldoret being the cradle and home of long and distance runners who  scoop gold with ease for the country in international competitions, many a townspeople  thought  Gates  was an agent or scout for a sports management company.

It is further revealed he ordered his security detail to 'take in the air' while they still could as he bent down low through  some narrow entrance to a grass thutched hut to take a sip of Mursik[sour milk] from his Kalenjin buddy Kiptoo whose dairy business he supports through  Micro-loans.



©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Tuesday, 1 December 2009

the Kenyan Knight; what's with Black men and 'lousy' jobs

 Dr. Patrick Lumumba Otieno a high flying  eloquent Nairobi  lawyer popularly known by his initials PLO [ nothing to do with the paramilitary group Palestinian Liberation Organisation we hope] has been nominated for the country's lousiest job. A director of KACC [ Kenya Anti Corruption Commission].

A Kenyan of Kenyan origin, to stress no  relation to Patrice Lumumba, Dr. Lumumba is faced with the task of slaying a dragon just like the  medieval knights in shining armor, with a Lance and all only this time  instead of breathing fire and  roaring  it's vomiting on it's own Dragon shoes.

Being a perpetual optimist who believes "Third World is a state of the mind and until we change our attitude as Africans, if there is a fourth, fifth and even sixth world, we will be in it.” he oddly seems to be happy with his almost- to-be new [lousy] job,  flashing his trademark  stupid Sensodyne white  grin characteristic  of a man not aware of the amount  of shit he's about to chew.

" am praying his armor comes out  in the same  conditions as it went in- pristine and  shiny and not dull and lacking in luster" prayed  Wanjiku, a member of The Jehovah Witness.

While critics say PLO has no prior experience in  dealing with 'Dragons' which is a euphemism used to describe the rot in the country it is believed his excellent grasp of the English language will come  in handy but exactly how nobody really  knows.

He was once in a lecture hall and was [mis]quoted as saying,  [mis] quote  "the power of  calligraphy  is stronger than the power of an unseating  Lance" end [mis] quote which loosely translates  " the pen is mightier than the sword."

" ever heard of KISS  Doc?" a retard within the hall asked. " it means Keep It Simple Stupid" he answered himself,  adding " no offence."

"Indeed no offence on intent as in any offence caused, felt or implied by such a disambiguation is purely coincidental and has no  bearing as to the the context of the phrase used because we all know a text taken out of context can be a dangerous pretext" responded PLO. " i feel you my brother" he added.

It is widely known impunity is a forgone conclusion in the corridors of  Integrity Center, seat of the Anti corruption commission of  Kenya and some doubt the good Dr. is  as squeaky and incorruptible as believed.

 "Holly cows and hyenas have already christened him our LPO [Local Purchase Order]" said one informer hyena who asked for a bribe to talk to us.

" talks are already underway to determine the 'buy-ability' of this newb with some being  supremely confident as saying it's not a matter of 'if' but when and  how much" he added.

Lumumba's is not  the first  case of a  clever individual handed a lousy job and smiling about it.  In January   another clever individual  inherited two wars and a financial crisis for a job; sheesh!! whilst another one almost  landed a lousy job right here in our homeland during the same period.

No problem! no sweat! nothing but a chicken wing but do they all have to be of Kenyan  origin, black and Luo?

Heaven help the Black man




 ©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Sunday, 29 November 2009

Barrack Obama's first fantastic thankless Thanksgiving speech P t. 2

and  am not gonna duck the hot potato issues either as my Republican post commentary critics say.. They say every politician  is a liar and the only truthful politican was Truman because he said “the buck stops here”.

Well, my fellow Americans am the re-incarnation of the truth. Your messiah who is going to deliver affordable health care and set you free from the  shackles of  under-insurance by those big  health insurers.

And for the 46.3million  uninsured Americans out there, your day is come. You can now afford to get sick.

I also understand you're sick  of that eyesore Guantanamo bay. Well, maybe not all of you but  I know my friends in the not-for-profits and grassroots can't stand it and that's what matters. I'll need their influence  and of course money come 2013 and thats all that is important.

Am closing that Gulag  and even though I  admit I might miss my January 2010 deadline I know  can and we will shut it down as soon as possible probably before 2011. Never mind theres some construction of a block going on  now or, maybe I said a similar thing last year but I still have this gut feeling  that we can.

And to the Cuban-Americans, this will be a thanksgiving to be truly thankful for. Number one, me  as your President and number two, It was also about the time Fidel Castro got really sick. I would not   advocate Obamacare for him if I were you  and to put it frankly I don't take it kindly on competition  especially when it comes to delivering  speeches.

Number three, I might just wake up one morning and decide the embargo thing is off, the ball is in your 'other' leader's court. And you might even be able to send as many dollars as you  can send  back to your relatives in Cuba- or have I done that already.

Our hand is still  stretched out to you but it might just grow numb and lose it's feel if it stays that way for too long and  I bet you don't wanna know what might follow next. Am not making threats here, this is tough love. You know yourselves and damn!! am not even talking to Americans anymore on this   very American holiday. I guess it just goes to prove we are the  world.

Peeps!! hope i have covered  Domestic, Foreign, Economic and..i think I must have  left out  the environment but  I promise to get back to it after Copenhagen December 9th.

Busy schedule, gotta go my subjects but be sure to follow  my State of the Union weekly  addresses   on VOA  and  News Ync.and may God Bless America.

Now to the more pressing matters of that  sweet potato pie, coconut cream and lemon meringue.

©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Saturday, 28 November 2009

Barrack Obama's first fantastic Thanksgiving speech P t. 1



there you go, the amazing transcript
People of America I salute you. And of course people of the world lest you feel left out.
But again America is the world and the world is America.

First of all ignore the header. This is not my first thanksgiving gig. I did the first one when I was President-elect anybody remember? Okay , hands down now double Davids you know yourselves and if you thought it was the bomb!! wait til it comes out the Speech synthesizer this winter.

Talking of bombs we got many of those IED blasts scaring the shit out of our brave infantry men up there in the Middle East. But like I said they are brave and shouldn't be scared of some shitty fertilizer over-the-internet assembled bombs. In the same breath am informed their families want them back home by thanksgiving.

Don't they just care about the Afghani and Iraqi women and children

I apologise I couldn't make that happen and am sorry as your Commander-in-Chief I will have to request you my fellow countrymen another favor. I can see your surprised looks staring at the television screen and I hear you asking yourselves “what favor could the most powerful black man on earth possibly want from a mere Yankee.”

Well, don't be surprised. Am not special, am much like you-just like my predecessor was much like you.

And to prove it am about to ask the same favor as no. 43 .

Ladies and gentlemen your great country once again needs you. Maybe not you, yes you couch potato. Lounging stupidly on that La-z-boy sporting a beer belly, clutching a Heineken bottle on your left hand and the remote control on your right.

Or you ma'am, with the Michelin man neck.

Not that America don't need people like you. Of course we do. We need you to create McJobs as part of the stimulus but as of now we will definitely do with your nerdy community college kid enlisting.

Bring out your well toned boyfriends, NRA husbands, your daughters and almost anybody who can hold a shotgun and not shoot himself on the foot, or a fellow Countryman; do you hear me vice president Biden .

After all guns don't kill people. People kill pheasants.





 ©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Friday, 27 November 2009

Obama is thankful to them


Barack H. Obama II thanked them for making him President and Commander in chief of their armed forces. “as we mark this day I want to thank you all especially you; yes you the honest, hardworking middle class you for electing me the 44th President of your great nation” he started halfway towards the podium.

After the speech was over the nation stood from their couches and on their feet in front of the telly and gave him a huge round of applause which could have brought the roof down.

Later on he gave a press conference in the press room which revealed a lot of unsaid stuff the President really wanted to say to his subjects but time!!

On domestic issues he he really wanted to let them know how Bo Obama, their Portuguese Water Dog was unbeatable in Frisbee but I realised I could not squeeze it in because Bo looked much like my initials in the teleprompter and might just say it in full.


“I've had a slip of the tongue before” he said. “besides the first dog had no competition anyway and I would appear petty' he added.

“My swinging has improved a lot since I started hitting the links with the help of my assistant White House chef. Though I tied with Bush but I thought it'd be nice if they knew I beat Biden” he said. Am planning the same with McCain” he added obviously downplaying John McCain's golf playing experience.

But he deviated and made it known it was not only what he wanted to say but Sasha had something for 'them' as well “ look here Sasha made this handprint turkey”.

There's just so much to say [and show] with very little time” he added. Homeland security agreed.


On foreign policy, he said he regretted letting 'them' in on his trip to Mecca to give moral support to her grandmother Sarah Obama.

she will be part of those pilgrims and she won't have to worry about any swine flu in Arabia. Secret service will be there too; in disguise of course and who knows we might join in the act- you know, for old time's sake” Said Obama.

“There was so much fantastic stuff io didn't put in that speech that I would have put in that speech and make people applaud even louder till the their hands hurt.” said Obama as he pulled his wrist and slanted his head to glance at his TAG-Heuer.

“There is so much I could have told you guys but I cannot plus what I just told you which I did not but ought to have included in that brilliant speech to make it the greatest thanksgiving speech ever but boy, doesn't time fly.”

Critics criticised the 'Ought -To- Be -Included -But -Which -Was -Not-Be-Of-Time parts of the speech' for dwelling on the 'soft side of real life issues'.


We could not publish the transcript [or at least the edited version of the speech now] but it should be available as soon as Jonathan 'Jon' Favreau
is done editing his un-'Fav' parts.


©2009 newsync


Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

2010 FIFA WORLD CUP TO BE OUTSOURCED TO INDIA Pt. 2

..indeed the South African taxpayer will be the final winner as the mayors of both cities declared incentives like a percentage of the charges going towards arming  police who are on a shoot-to-kill order in helping combat inner city crime.

As events unfolded the Kenyan mission in Pretoria expressed disappointment at the decision and immediately filed a civil suit on behalf of the Kenyan government on the grounds of uninformed, unwise and  unfair selection practices on the part of the RSA.

The decision sparked a minor diplomatic row between the two countries with the Kenyan government demanding affirmative  action be a consideration.



" with Kenya being one of the rising BPO destinations in Africa it beats logic as to why we were passed over" decried H.E Ambassador Tom Amolo.  "i thought charity begins at home" he added.

Major  ISP's  in South Africa  complained bandwidth in Kenya was still expensive despite the landing of  the fiber cable. "This would make  live streaming economically non-viable"
a sentiment shared by an emerging  demography of computer hackers  in the country.

The other nation pissed off by this move was  Phillipines who came second in the selection process with the official reason being it was very far away and also an island  country  made up of many islands.It was figured ferrying players  from one island to play in the other might make  players sea sick. And what if a shark attacked.

But many Filipino believed it was because they had a female President; for the second time and South Africa being a macho society that was completely unacceptable.

The Kenyan case was reffered by a Magistrate's Court to a  Truth and Reconciliation Commision which was set up in record  72hrs which later dropped the case within hours of mention.

 The south african of Indian descent Chairman [of the commision]  Ravi Naidoo  descriibed the case as not being  quote, racist, bloody and/or unfair enough,  end quote to warrant the tax payers money for any truth or reconciliation.

Meanwhile, the Indian sports minister  Mani Shankar Aiyer said he  was confident the country's Cricket Arenas will be retrofitted and marked in good  time for the Football games.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter  still insisted there was no Plan B or Plan C. The only plan was to make the South African event a success.
©2009 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Eneza