Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Censoring Mohamed Episode Violates Equal Opportunity Offender Rule, Says Church

 In a classic 'U' turn change of mind the creators of  the popular pint sized animated  tv show South Park decided to sensor their 200th episode.

This preceded an almost global outcry from Muslims following the depiction of Muhammad[saw] in a brown bear suit alongside making fun of other religious figures such as Jesus and Buddha who interestingly remained  'uncensored'.

South Park fans and critics alike were astounded.

But the duo who have come to cut themselves as immovable anything goes,  foul mouthed non-conformists[at least on tv] comic geniuses who had vowed not to budge or buckle regardless of the amount of pressure or where it came from defended themselves by saying it was their network[Comedy Central]'s decision.

"This clearly is a  blatant  violation of the equal opportunity offender rule" said Das Cutchill a fan from the San Fernando area and regular church goer referring to the no holds barred offend-o-meter characteristics of the show.

"The CC executives told us it would be a long shot to  portray Mohamed speaking English and we argued back; so does Jesus but they said Jesus is alive!" said Stone.

"That left us speechless and besides i think they had a point- the best satire should have just enough credibility to test your gullibility" added Trey.

But moderate Muslim fans were not so convinced.

"I believe the very real threat of a 'Van Gogh' on them dampened their sense of humor and rattled them for a while and am not talking about the Dutch artist here. I mean, who wouldn't . We've been  having Ayaan[Hirsi] right here in Washington D.C, one of the most cosmopolitan cities in America but she is still afraid of people finding out where she lives" said Malik Hassan a DC area African American revert to Islam referring to what he said was a 'mild threat' against the two on an American Islamic website and also the anti-Islam Somali born former Dutch Parliamentarian and friend of Van Gogh Ayaan Hirsi Ali.

Meanwhile, South Park announced it will create a balaclava clad 'rag head' from now henceforth to depict whom Stone said would be a  character known as Mehmet to  make fun of a fast growing religion which is slowly blanketing all others.

"I would prefer the name 'shit head' because of the blanketing and all you know what am saying. You see Mehmet, which was Trey's idea anyway almost rhymes with Mohamed and i don't wanna die" added Stone.


Thursday, 22 April 2010

Next iPad Prototype Leaked, Found In Parking Lot

CUPERTINO,Ca- In what seemed to be a case of apparent carelessness  on the part of an alleged Apple employee a next generation iPad was reported lost and eventually found- in a parking lot.

A leading technology Weblog about  consumer electronics reportedly bought the next iPad from a recently convicted DUI, verily piss drunk seventeen year old college kid sobering up before he could drive himself home.

"I was wasted big time and my friend Jeff had taken a taxi after he could not find me either in the gents or the patio.So he left to report the matter at the local Sherri f department thinking,  in a state of intoxication i must add  i had been abducted by aliens" said Phil Daugherty the verily piss drunk seventeen year old  sophomore.
 The leaked next generation iPad smartly disguised as the now generation iPad

"Then alas! as i picked myself to  pee on the nearest tree this black shiny thing caught my eye and i immediately  realized i was standing in the presence of an Apple product" added Phil. 

Lost and found expert Sheriff Jorge Santori admitted there was a  possibility of Phil's statement containing a number of truths and half-truths especially given Phil's 'verily piss drunk state' and wondered how the vaulted, tight lipped  trade secret apparatus which is Apple security could turn  up in a parking lot.

" We are talking about major Men In Black security here.Those[Apple] guys don't just zap the memory of their costly products inventory you own but they also make a McZombie out of you" added the Sheriff.

Apple lawyers meanwhile demanded their device back and consequently applied for a gag order preventing any further mentioning, discussion or talk of their next big thing by regular Americans and any other 'unauthorized parties' until after Steve Jobs unveils it officially some time in the near future turtle neck style with black screens and all.

This did not prevent consumer gadgets conspiracy theorists from suspecting this was the 'iPad with wings' they've all been theorizing about after all there could  only one way it could have got out of the lab through, maybe, an air conditioning duct under repair and land on Cabro in one piece, in a not so near parking lot.

"Or worse still a window momentarily left open which i must  is very irresponsible of the engineer involved" said Adratos Makropoulos, an authority tech naysayer in the Bay area in a shortwave radio interview on WKNDY.

Efforts to reach the Apple CEO Steve Jobs hit a brick wall  as an irritated Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer responded "iPad,iPod,iSlut,iShit  i don't really care" when we asked for his opinion on the issue.

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Cash Lost Ash Gained

LONDON, United Kingdom-As the airline ash fiasco is easing up after a week of major grounding of Europe's airlines, the International Air Travel Association[IATA] is squarely pointing a [middle] finger at European aviation authorities.

"It's a European mess. Lufthansa flight tests found not  a single layer of ash on the fuselage or turbine blades. I wonder what the fuss was all about" said IATA boss Giovanni Bisignani in a press release.

Critics have  come in support of Bisignani especially regarding  the UK's decision.

"That Island was not even classified in the 'ash envelope' to begin with but they just decided to close their airspace" said Karl Duissberg a vacationist from Dusseldorf who was stranded at Heathrow.

This view was shared by Dan Koko a Nairobi Horticulturalist.

 The 'ash' which devastated air travel was reportedly seen as far away as the Kuril Islands

"although our health minister was caught up in this madness forcing  an extended  stay in London i personally think flight should not be a priority for humans but perishables and commerce. I really sympathize with all the rotten Carnation" said Koko who speculated this had something to do with the forthcoming elections in Britain in a move by the Labour Party to show the electorate it cares.

Under fire, the European Aviation Safety Agency[EASA] based in Cologne, Germany vigorously defended it's overkill overreactions saying the ash from the Eyjafjallokull Volcano [glacier] could have have been worse  and might continue till 2011 eventually sinking Iceland at around December 2012.

The agency  issued a lengthy, detailed explanation that  this might then be preceded by  tsunamis which might be felt as far as Papua New Guinea, New Zealand and triggered by gigantic pyroclastic  flows, as a result of the gravitational collapse of the eruption column which will melt all  Ice in Iceland revealing the land
 then melting that too and sinking it, or sinking it first then melting it IF the planes had not been grounded.

On Seeking  clarification on the last part we got the response

"It doesn't  matter in whichever order really. What's important is eventually this might have  led to Iceland being wiped off the face of the earth-without a trace." said Dr.Fritz Pfeiffer a Vulcanologist for the agency.

He however hesitated to fully dismiss emerging reports that the latest Shuttle landing  delays was caused by the presence of ash and Sulphur swept all the way to  Kennedy Space Center airspace by the Polar jet streams thereby forcing Discovery to land at Cape Canaveral.

" We have been having a lot of Sulphur dioxide and ash in our skies lately.This leads to a global increase in Sulphurous acid concentrations in high level Cirrus clouds. The resulting increase in cloud reflectivity would reflect more incoming sunlight than usual thus cooling the entire planet until the suspended sulphur falls to the ground as acid precipitaion" explained Dr. Fritz.

" From there, it's a safe bet to place the blame on the weatherman after all NASA has more important things to do than scare  the living daylights out of a perpetually terrified American Public." he added.

Mission Control meteorologist were angry and offended by Fritz's insinuations but not as much as the British Minister of the Exchequer and his Netherlands counterpart following the Icelandic finance Minister's recent off the cuff remarks.

The two countries which have been leading the push for Iceland to repay money owed to them were put off by the much cliched chain mail "you ask us for cash, we give you ash" right from the mouth of Arni M. Mathiesen after a press conference with Mathiesen sheepishly adding "we always know when the microphone is off".

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Friday, 16 April 2010

The Pope Faces A Day In Court

VATICAN CITY,Vatican- A leading Atheist Richard Dawkins has hinted on the possibility of suing the Pope on child abuse cover ups in the Catholic church when he was Cardinal. This revelation has not led to a proper response yet but as the Vatican ignores Dawkins and says it's a virtual impossibility, Catholics all over the world voiced their contempt.

"Isn't the Pope above the law? after all he is the Head  of a State thus automatically qualifies for diplomatic immunity" said Kaitlin O'Hara a school teacher from the village of Aghalee, Northern Ireland.

Her friend Imma concurred but was not sure whether Vatican was a State. 

"Why do they call it Vatican City then when it's actually a State" said Immaculate"Imma" Sanders, Kaitlin's neighbour and a close friend.Kaitlin tried to explain it's actually both- a City State as Miss Sanders nodded her head repeatedly in the affirmative giving the impression they were on the same page.

As the Vatican PR machine claimed this was a scheme by Atheists to make themselves relevant at the same time get back at their most vocal opponents level minded and liberal Catholics who overwhelmingly happen to be non-practicing Catholics admitted  nobody is or should be above the law a point which was picked up by the former Archbishop of Zambia Emmanuel Milingo.

"I told them way back this whole [celibacy] thing would go way out of hand but they didn't listen-now the law will be all over their asses" said Milingo to which an angry Vatican Nuncio[Ambassador]  requesting anonymity quickly replied " It's impossible to prove anything and the law is an ass anyways".

"and for the record, to paraphrase one of our foreign secretaries,  it's the  homosexuals who are Paedophiles"  added the Nuncio

Indeed legal experts interviewed admitted the logistics will be daunting and it was very clear where the burden of proof lay.

"Proving Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger and Pope Benedict XVI are one and the same guy,subpoena-ing individuals scattered across Europe then making sure they talk, for nothing, i mean if a potential witness can keep quite for something why talk for nothing" said Prof. Minsky Eidver Phd. a Criminal law authority at Boston State University.

"This is a classic example of a prosecutorial assignment from hell.I'll pick it up as a case study for my class if ever you succeed-good luck" he added.

Dawkin's lawyers advised maybe they should hope the Pope resigns out of 'collective shame and responsibility' or wait till he retires but  they figured he'd be too old and probably sick by then to stand trial.

"Sh*t!! it says here in the Papal law  Canon 332, No.2 impeachment is a near impossibility and his office is for life-just the kicks we needed" said Ian Marsh lead counsel.

Meanwhile, as the legal team was considering preparing a formal indictment order for  the Pope to the ICC, it is reported the Vatican's communications director was supposedly trying. in vain, to get in touch with the Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir.

On questioning a spokesperson claimed "cases of this kind are subject to pontifical secret" but hinted it was a courtesy call in line with the Vatican policy of extending a hand to other religions.

 "Field Marshal Umar Hassan Ahmad al-BASHIR  was busy waiting out for the election results but we hope to get through before Sunday to discuss matters of mutual co-operation" he added.