Friday, 16 April 2010

The Pope Faces A Day In Court

VATICAN CITY,Vatican- A leading Atheist Richard Dawkins has hinted on the possibility of suing the Pope on child abuse cover ups in the Catholic church when he was Cardinal. This revelation has not led to a proper response yet but as the Vatican ignores Dawkins and says it's a virtual impossibility, Catholics all over the world voiced their contempt.

"Isn't the Pope above the law? after all he is the Head  of a State thus automatically qualifies for diplomatic immunity" said Kaitlin O'Hara a school teacher from the village of Aghalee, Northern Ireland.

Her friend Imma concurred but was not sure whether Vatican was a State. 

"Why do they call it Vatican City then when it's actually a State" said Immaculate"Imma" Sanders, Kaitlin's neighbour and a close friend.Kaitlin tried to explain it's actually both- a City State as Miss Sanders nodded her head repeatedly in the affirmative giving the impression they were on the same page.

As the Vatican PR machine claimed this was a scheme by Atheists to make themselves relevant at the same time get back at their most vocal opponents level minded and liberal Catholics who overwhelmingly happen to be non-practicing Catholics admitted  nobody is or should be above the law a point which was picked up by the former Archbishop of Zambia Emmanuel Milingo.

"I told them way back this whole [celibacy] thing would go way out of hand but they didn't listen-now the law will be all over their asses" said Milingo to which an angry Vatican Nuncio[Ambassador]  requesting anonymity quickly replied " It's impossible to prove anything and the law is an ass anyways".

"and for the record, to paraphrase one of our foreign secretaries,  it's the  homosexuals who are Paedophiles"  added the Nuncio

Indeed legal experts interviewed admitted the logistics will be daunting and it was very clear where the burden of proof lay.

"Proving Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger and Pope Benedict XVI are one and the same guy,subpoena-ing individuals scattered across Europe then making sure they talk, for nothing, i mean if a potential witness can keep quite for something why talk for nothing" said Prof. Minsky Eidver Phd. a Criminal law authority at Boston State University.

"This is a classic example of a prosecutorial assignment from hell.I'll pick it up as a case study for my class if ever you succeed-good luck" he added.

Dawkin's lawyers advised maybe they should hope the Pope resigns out of 'collective shame and responsibility' or wait till he retires but  they figured he'd be too old and probably sick by then to stand trial.

"Sh*t!! it says here in the Papal law  Canon 332, No.2 impeachment is a near impossibility and his office is for life-just the kicks we needed" said Ian Marsh lead counsel.

Meanwhile, as the legal team was considering preparing a formal indictment order for  the Pope to the ICC, it is reported the Vatican's communications director was supposedly trying. in vain, to get in touch with the Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir.

On questioning a spokesperson claimed "cases of this kind are subject to pontifical secret" but hinted it was a courtesy call in line with the Vatican policy of extending a hand to other religions.

 "Field Marshal Umar Hassan Ahmad al-BASHIR  was busy waiting out for the election results but we hope to get through before Sunday to discuss matters of mutual co-operation" he added.



  1. Archbishop Brennan21 April 2010 at 02:21

    I must presume your quote of Archbishop Milingo is a spoof. I doubt he would have expressed it that way. The sentiment may be sound but the statement you say you are quoting is not Archbishop Milingo’s manner of speaking. Nor do I think the Nuncio would have responded at all to the quote and he would also have chosen better words than the ones you assigned to him. (Married Priests USA)

  2. I want a class action suit to stop the RCC from getting my money and other victims and families money from our hard earned tax dollars. The RCC has more grant writers than any other organization, they get tax dollars to market their Catholic “good deeds”. This is promoting their religion, they can do it with their own money.

    I was raped and sodomized, and now I have to pay them so they can show off how good they are? Today I am mentally ill because of them, a reminder of what they did to me.