Thursday, 27 December 2012

Obesity Killing Three Times More Than Malnutrition

Obesity has overtaken malnutrition as a leading child killer according to a new report. This has come as a surprise to most as all pointers showed the world running out of food since the world population hit the 7billion mark this year.

overnourished  is the new malnourished
“This is mockery”   said a representative    from End Hunger Now, a not-for-profit committed to ending hunger on the planet. “How could they do this to us” he re-iterated in reference to no one in particular.

Leaders  from the Horn of Africa condemned this report  explaining it will undo many  years of progress  made raising awareness on the ravages of hunger but pundits  feared  they  were more concerned  about  the potential  fallout as donors  might pull out based  on the misleading Lancet report.

As  policy makers  and dieticians pondered  their next move with an aim to focus on the root cause of obesity, focus groups warned emphasis on kids had the unpleasant   outcome of ignoring   adult   overweight’s, even alienating  them.

“But it could get worse. Resources   might be diverted   from other child killers such as Malaria, choking and ammunition” said Sarah  Aidkin a dietician  with the National Health Service.   
Data  also indicated  child mortality was  generally  down compared to a decade ago, 
 Apple maps  was  getting better  and   stuffed Turkey tasted better  this year than last.

A proposal by Sub-Saharan governments to  initiate a sort of exchange program  as a solution to the fattie malaise  where affected junior citizens from opposite sides of the hemisphere  would switch lifestyles  and location  for a year or two in  an attempt to reverse the trend was politely declined by Western governments  but proposal for  an Africa  for USA concert  is  under consideration   with KFC pledging free chicken nuggets to anyone who walks or bicycles to  the venue.


Thursday, 20 December 2012


Following  Nelson Mandela’s  most  recent hospitalization major  competing  news  agencies spying on  him  were forced to review strategy.

A Reuters  source who requested anonymity due to the culturally sensitive nature of the topic admitted  there  being a plan B for “M-Plan” from the start in  anticipation for “Day-X” ; M-Plan referring to  general reportage preparations   incase of Mandela’s/Madiba’s death on day x.
AP spy  photo of Mandela's retirement home in Qunu, Eastern Cape Province

“Oh yeah, we have CCTV cameras trained towards the hospital as usual, and powerful  SLR’s  just awaiting  activation when the time comes--“Day X” could  just be  21/12/12. Epic scoop” added our source.

Asked if she was aware she was breaking South African law   she added as long as she was not caught filming anything   before his death, which she was not doing at the time of going to press then she had a pretty water tight case.

“If you think our activities are law breaking, you should  check out what  those  guys at AP are doing” she  concluded   referring to bank breaking tactics employed  by the Associated  Press which included  hiring nurses and other  “fixers”  to   capture The  inevitability using all means necessary.

Media houses often co-operate with each other but no, not this time. This is considered to be a huge event in a country where Mandela is revered as a Pope, Monarch and Statesman all rolled in one. 
This has not only driven up the asking price of quality informants   but most demand up to 60pc down payments   before taking position.
This has hit major broadcasters hard as there are no guarantees the target will succumb to inevitabilities in places they thought he would succumb to inevitabilities, places like his retirement home but most swear no expense will be spared.

“Obviously our option at the moment is to plant as many moles [in advance] in as many top hospitals just in case he has to transfer from the hospital he’s in right now to another for one reason or another. Yes  we have paid top Rand down payment  and yes we intend  to continue doing so for  as  long we have to because we believe the people of the world have the right to real time information and amateur  footage”  said Eugene DuPlessis an editor with a  top  local tabloid.

Asked whether outrageous anti competitive tactics like booking all hotel blocks in and around a hundred feet radius or block booking helicopters and helipads in the area to prevent others getting the aerial shot was still an option all agreed in unison.
As at the time of going to press, unconfirmed reports in twitter indicated Mandela was being flown to the United States for specialised treatment.