Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Study On Effects Of Second-Hand Smoke On Smokers Out

  BEYROUTH,  Liban[Lebanon]-  A new study by the Center for Waterpipe Smoking in Beirut has just concluded a study on the effects of secondary smoke on fellow smokers standing nearby, smoking.

Initially it was mocked and seen as a slap on the face of the generally known studies which investigated the effects of secondary smoke on non-smokers but the non-profit's director Dr. Faizal Kassim Baltasar explained the main aim was to explore an important  niche most often ignored.

" from WHO to the FDA[US Food and Drug Administration] everybody was talking about how secondary smoke was dangerous on non-smokers as it contained more than 4000 different harmful chemicals. But what about  the smokers inhaling this second smoke aren't they getting a double lethal dose and who was fighting for them" said Dr. Baltasar.

" If you want to smoke yourself to death at least leave your fellow smokers out of it" added Baltasar.
a comic book inspired 'one-at-a-time' proposals like the one above were hailed as the perfect solution by the Syrian Government since it solved the dilemma of the non-smoking taxpayer by charging the user. Ignore the print in red.

The study which showed smokers were at a higher risk of dying from  smoke of other smokers standing nearby, say, in public designated smoking areas, than non-smokers recommended  private single individual designated smoking areas like those in some European airports/public transit stations.

"We understand it's going to burn a hole in the taxpayers pocket but health first" said an anonymous sympathizer.

Most institutions were  not amused with some like the Americans for Non-smokers' Rights  saying an organization in  a country like Syria which just banned smoking the other day had no moral right.

"They just signed the law on 21st April 2010, small wonder they are still nostalgic about the smoker and now they are telling us to give health priorities to second-hand smoke smokers. I bet  Dr. Baltasar is  a closet smoker himself" said Dr. Jeff Brigg  director of communications for ANR.

Baltasar dismissed his statement as professional jealousies.

"My friend Jeff is forgetting we are the first Arab nation to ban smoking including the Narghile[waterpipe] in public areas in a country and region with a cultural history of smoking anything from Poppy to Camel shit. And now that we are the first to come up with this breakthrough study while they were smoking pot, and we are not American, well,i think Dr. Frankenstein is green with envy" said Baltasar.

 As of the time of press, the Americans for Non-smokers' Rights organization announced it was embarking on research to study the effects of second-hand smoke on the individual smoker, so just we may  know.

 NB: our French born/American-Israeli writer was barred entry to Syria. They suspected  he was an Israeli spy


Saturday, 11 September 2010

9/11 Hijackers Doing Just Fine, So They Say. Except One. Had A Bad Stomach

NEW YORK, New York- Nine years after 9/11, beneath ground zero sources have confirmed  all 19 hijackers were doing just fine except for Nawaq al-Hamzi one of the flight 77 hijackers which had crashed on the pentagon.

In a "Situation Room" like setting the 19 perpetrators of the worst  terror so far in American history allowed for a short, unedited interview sharing their thoughts and what they could have done different.

"He's having a serious bout of diarrhoea, i think it's the Tofu. Cuisine can be quite unpredictable in here" said Salem al-Hamzi a colleague and one of the 19 referring to his absent comrade.

Quickly veering away from matters of food the twenty something Salem said he had no regrets whatsoever and given another chance he wouldn't think twice about crashing a jumbo jet into an American establishment.

"Talking of Jumbo jets, i heard they got a Super-jumbo out. Too bad it's made in Europe" added Salem whereby Atta jumped in and  said that might not be so bad.

"Of course  you cannot equate the evilness of the E.U. to the U.S. but  with recent intelligence reports am getting from France, our rather erstwhile ally, i think rattling them a bit will bring them back to their senses and surrender in their anti burqa and hijab war" said Atta.

"A bomb scare on an A380 will do just fine in reminding them who's [still] boss in solid ground and the hereafter" concluded Atta.

Stressing to them that they were now in the afterlife and were powerless against beings above was interrupted by  an unexpected tongue lashing.

                         recommended read for most still haunted by those goons

"....point of correction. First of all who said we are below ground. Is Jannah[Paradise] below ground? Is that what your book says? Second of all where did you get the crazy idea our remains might be somewhere in a Manhattan dump site"  said  a foaming Satam al-Suqami of flight 11 during a flare up which caught me by surprise because i had not come to  that subject- yet.

After some calming down  by the others to forgive my  ignorance the hijackers admitted it gets lonely sometimes in Paradise.

"I miss home. If only they made the Khubz[Pita] just like my mama did i wouldn't be complaining. Neither would  Nawaq have to take those Tofus. He himself had no idea he was Soy[a] intolerant" said Salem.

This led me to inquire whether we could speak to the chief chef and what he had to say for himself but my request was flatly refused leaving me to suspect if indeed this interview was taking place in Heaven.

The room fell dead silent for a while and it seemed my next unscripted question was  unexpected when i inquired about, you know, the biggest and most interesting prize-the 72 virgins.

Mohammed Atta  finally broke the  silence  by  saying they are not free to discuss their sex lives with strangers but conceded babies, lots of them are there and  many others on their way at different stages after which everybody else  slowly filed out of the room, up a flight of quartzite stairs wearing contemptuous looks obviously fed up with either me, 'Heaven' or both.

That's the moment i snapped off my dream. I never had the time to snoop around to confirm if indeed i had actually had a glimpse of Paradise; or not.

There  is still a good chance the Boyz and Men might be doing just fine after all.


Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Toyota Probox Chosen New Official Somali Wagon Of Choice

 EASTLEIGH, Nairobi- It's now official. The Easleigh council of elders[ Guurt Izili] a board mainly made up of Septogenarian[seventy somethings] Kenyan Somali businessmen has  unanimously passed a resolution declaring the Toyota Probox the official commercial use station wagon  in that region.

The Probox replaces the Toyota L-touring and it's sister wagon the G-touring which have faithfully and reliably served the region as the ultimate commercial wagons since 1996.

a picture of the wagon of choice with the right colour on one of  the  pamphlets to be distributed to all across Eastleigh

"Before that am not sure what was the official wagon but what am sure of is i really am going to miss my   Petrol engine, 1498cc, 262,900 km,Automatic baby " said an emotional Abdishukri Welli aka Abdi Warabe wiping a tear off his eye as he traded in his L-Touring at the Walay autos for a Probox to beat the August 31st deadline.

"It was like a member of the family" he added.

Indeed most Somalis treat their  station wagons as a  member of the family just like a pet lover does which presents  problems for the elders.

"Most families don't want to let go" said Dawood  one of the elders.

" But we understand that's why we allowed them to spend as much reasonable time as possible to say goodbyes before ushering in the new era of Proboxes.We are also carrying out free counseling sessions to make them understand change is the only constant in this life" added Dawood.

What about those who don't want to let go at all especially those who just bought their first L or G touring recently- Dawood admit there is little they can do about that but strongly believed peer pressure from business associates, family members, Imams and clan  will eventually carry the day.

"The Kenyan Somali is a civilised lot. We understand ours is a tightly knit community which places high value on family. Instead of brute force and unnecessary fines we are tapping into that soft power to eventually achieve our goals" explained an optimistic Dawood.

As of press time, Dawood had already acquired his brand new snow white KBM  Probox as a good example for others to follow suit.

" The preffered colour is white specifically to match with our robes during Friday Prayers but i understand we Somalis are so religious we wear robes seven days a week and because we also have a keen eye for Islamic fashion. They come in different colours from Islamic green to Kaaba black. So i believe the verdict is out" said Dawood addressing a press conference of local journalists outside the Sheikh Yusuf Masjid 7th street.

Though critics admit the Probox has slightly more trunk space, improved technology and more or less the same maneuverability as it's predecessors the L and G  series of wagons, it has no curves.

"it looks like bread" said Ali Sugow Dhahir a restaurant owner.

At the moment the directive only applies to the Somali community which are a majority in Eastleigh since as they put it "the council respects and recognises the freedoms  and  liberties of other communities in the area" but elders would like to see it apply to everyone without necessarily violating their freedoms.

The Guurt Izili is considering passing another resolution boycotting transportation services from non-Somalis without a non-compliant station wagon.


Friday, 6 August 2010

Lies For Sex Illegal In New Constitution, Says FIDA, Inspired By Israeli Laws

 EAST JERUSALEM, Israel- An Israeli Arab dude called 'Dudu' who allegedly 'raped' an Israeli woman only identified as Maya has appealed  his sentence.

Kashur, 30 a resident of East Jerusalem and whom Israeli and Arab friends  call Dudu a common Isareli name lied to a  woman two years ago. 10yrs her junior, Dudu said he was single[indeed he was married with two kids], was looking for a serious relationship [obviously not] and 100 per cent Jewish [implied by his nickname].

The lady was impressed and within 15minutes of their meet they had done it. Sabbar Kashur took her number which was and the natural, gentlemanly and ok thing to do.  what's not ok is she called her- two years later and that's where the trouble started.

As of the time of press, his 18 month sentenced had been commuted to house arrest pending the appeal hearing, with an electronic RFID thingy to monitor his movements.

 following ill advice from his Arab-American  friends,  'Dudu's' [which is a  nickname for David] pleas of  "I never played 'sax' with that woman"  didn't fool the Israeli police

In other news, an African migrant  male worker  in the Saudi Kingdom was arrested for accompanying a female who was neither his sister, wife, a female relative and obviously not her mother to a parking lot.

On further questioning he admitted he was not an adult  adoptee either.

This followed a week  after an  Arab spy for the Israelis  was nearly stoned to death for having sex with an Arab whore before being rescued by The Saudi general intelligence, Al  Mukhabarat Al A'amah  officers who needed to extract information from him.

Back in Jerusalem, the  International  Association of Jewish Public Service Employees[IAJPSE] was organising a workshop for the City's company's  senior management  regarding the tough Jewish laws regarding boss/secretary relations.

Also reminding them, though unknown to many, it is still illegal for a boss to sleep with her secretary under no circumstance; consensually or otherwise drawing attention to the organisation's 6pillars of Integrity,Allegiance, Judaica, Professionalism, Service and Ethics[IAJPSE].

"And if you are rich and have done it already you should  be crossing your fingers for the next ten years because that's the time period  such a complaint is null and void" added Schlomo Chaim a  civil Attorney  addressing the mostly male participants.

Closer to home the non-profit NGO Federation of Women Lawyers[FIDA] Kenya supported the verdict on Sabbar  Kashur and  promised it's clients, mainly female victims of domestic violence of brand new harsher laws in the  works.

To attract the younger generation 'Y' female crowd, FIDA promised to lobby for the enactment of laws making it illegal for men to lie to women not only for sex but other matters of great importance and concern like their income,age, height, where they live, which car they drive, past relationships and if she is the only one in his life.

"Following the passage of the referendum vote for the new constitution which guarantees  land ownership for women among other rights i think we are covering  good ground" said Fida gender co-ordinator Miss  Magdaline K.


Saturday, 31 July 2010

Wyclef For President

SADDLE RIVER,New Jersey-  The  world famous recording Artiste/Producer Wyclef  Jean has given hint's he will be running for the November Haitian elections as President.

Though no official announcement has been made by Mr. Jean himself-yet- he has already presented his fingerprints, in person, to the concerned authorities in Haiti and has until August 7th 2010 to register as a candidate.

This announcement naturally has sparked off optimism in the heaven forsaken island plagued by corruption, incompetence but unlike it's parent  continent Africa, prone to hurricanes and earthquakes.

Most Haitians believe Jean is the man to effect this much  needed systemic change but local  critics described him as an "Oreo" - black on the outside and white on the inside- a charge his publicist refused to comment on.

" It's a shame they are blind to the wonderful work Wyclef has done through his Yele Haiti foundation. That should give them a good idea of the compassionate, responsible and actually black man from America they are dealing with here" said Prakazrel "Pras" Michel, Wyclef's cousin, himself an Artiste and firmly in support of his quest to change his home country.

Nevertheless pundits opined Wyclef has no experience in foreign policy or any form of elective politics in that matter and cannot be relied on or rely on his humanitarian activities to make up for everything.

"We understand he's got charisma;he sure knows how to work the crowds, and an open heart but one thing, [in my opinion] they are conveniently leaving out is the not so open books of his organization" said Kirk Whitherkill a political analyst for Fox News referring to financial misappropriations concerning Yele Haiti which made Wyclef Jean cry during an interview explaining he had never channeled any aid money inappropriately  for his personal use.

In other news, his uncle Raymond Joseph who also happens to be Haiti's Ambassador to America announced he will be running for the same post leaving Wyclef's other cousins( apart from "Pras") with a tough familial decision.

"I believe they can reach agreement and  Ray can be his running mate. What i want my baby to know is that in case  it get's too hot in  the kitchen or gawdforbid another major tremblor strikes during his watch, he's always welcome back home" said his mother.

Meanwhile in other quarters, the Tea Party Movement de-facto leader Sarah Palin  said she was happy for Wyclef and the people of Haiti  but would have been much happier if Obama had discovered and considered  that route- earlier.


Friday, 30 July 2010

The Sun Also Sets- In Catalonia

 CATALONIA,Spain-A vote banning Bull fighting in the Spanish autonomous town of  Catalonia has sparked outrage  from lovers of Ernest Hemingway's 1926 novel  The Sun Also Rises.

"This  is a clear upfront of an American hero" said Debbie Applegate of Bedford Park, Illinois and chairperson of the acclaimed novelists fun club, a remark quickly dismissed by a PETA[People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] rep. Illinois chapter as a cheap shot.

 "First of all, what Ms. Applegate is defending contravenes all statements in our slogan; animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment. Second with their backing for paper backs, that club should be more worried about the TreeHuggers bull shit up their [expletive]" said Ann Thorpe on behalf of PETA.

         Michelle Odhiambo(above) and an un-identified PETA lettuce mermaid

Many people and friends of the  Kingdom of Spain supported  the Catalon community's move with the Netherland's Queen Beatrix hailing the Parliamentary decision as a victory towards animal rights but political pundits debated this could be about more than just abolishing Bull fighting.

" I have this nagging feeling the Catalons don't like the Spanish people much. Their culture and language and... but hey, don't treat this seriously it's just a hunch" said Jorge Alejo.

Meanwhile, in related news Michelle Odhiambo, a Ms. Lettuce and Vegetarian for the last 8 years  from Kenya  has acknowledged receiving " we will eat you" and  "i know friends who have eaten you" sms's from her newly launched campaign to ban Bull and Cock fighting practices prominent in Western Kenya communities.

" I was inspired by the Catalonians to start this new campaign after my previous Lettuce costume got a lot of media attention. But these recent threats have forced me and my team to reconsider approach" said the U.S. educated  Ms. Odhiambo denying any suggestions she was chickening out of anything.

Kenyan police are investigating the matter.

 The Bull Running committee for the San Fermin  Fiesta refused to comment on the matter since they were busy preparing and planning for the 2011 but issued a statement instead.

"Following the unfortunate turn of events we should expect an unusually large pouring of spectators to Pamplona. As you can see, this will present a logistical nightmare for us but this also means the signs look good as long as the future of Bullfighting in Spain is concerned ".


Thursday, 17 June 2010

Algeria, Cameroon, Nigeria Get A Resounding 'No' In Opinion Polls

Nairobi, Kenya-  As Kenyans remained sharply divided  on the draft constitution they are about to vote YES or NO in a forthcoming referendum, sources in Pubs  have noticed a unifying factor- the World Cup.

Not the beautiful tournament  passe but the answer with a 'YES', 'NO' or 'So So' to the question  of who 'Should Have', 'Shouldn't Have' and 'Should  Not' have represented  Africa in the tournament.

Following   the results of a telephone poll by Synovate,a polling  company a whopping 89 per cent of Kenyans think Algeria, Nigeria and Cameroon were a general disappointment in their opening matches. 70pc of that 89pc were not surprised though as they put it  "following the experiences of  Germany 2006 we were just bracing ourselves for a whole new level of 'underwhelment' by our 'West Africon bradas' referring to Nigeria and Cameroon.

 76 per cent of pollsters also claimed this football team of Indian Gurus,Papajis and potential snake charmers would have provided a better scoreline and entertainment than those disappointing 3 teams put together. As of time of reporting, Analysts strongly predicted South Africa will make the number 4

 "Our computers showed a 110pc error margin + or- 0.03 pc. which of course is an error and am not blaming the machine" said Ms. S Poll research co-ordinator Synovate who declined to be named unless her computer crashed following day.

Algeria the African country just happy to be at the Cup again since 1986.

"They are a total waste of air ticket.Saying they area as productive as a paper weight is an insult to the paper weight" said Dickens Owuodo a Pub goer.

Leading Politicians opposed to the draft constitution did not want to be caught at the Train Station when the Ship was docking at Port.

"We have not figured out yet how but we are open to suggestions. We plan to make this triple digit 'NO' vote reflect on our own 'NO' campaign" said William Ruto a Politician opposed to the new Draft Constitution.

Needless to say the Algerians were furious by the belittling of their national team but not  as much as the mention of Egypt by in the 'Should Have' part of the poll alongside Zambia, Kenya, Madagascar and Sychelles the last three having never qualified.

"This is ridiculous. Egypt does not even acknowledge it's African-ness" fumed the Algerian Captain Yazid Mansouri.

Most other African countries agreed leading the Kenyan foreign minister to apologise on behalf of his countrymen to avoid a diplomatic spat.

"We had so much going on; the Premier League just ended, World Cup fever was catching on, Biden came then left with the President  for South Africa after a hurried budget speech at State House instead of the August House all in less than a week." said Moses Wetangula Kenya's foreign minister.

"And i conveniently forgot to mention  the referendum campaigns were heating up at that very time" he added.

Meanwhile, Synovate MD George Waititu announced a repeat of the Poll after news came in of South Africa's 3-0 defeat against Uruguay.

 Madiba in a statement through his aides advised Kenyans to steer away from ethnic politics and embrace Rainbow Politics at the same time get a life- outside of football and Shebeens

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Cameroon Blames Ball For Defeat

Afrique du Sud- A Cameroonian  player has blamed the Adidas designed synthetic Jabulani ball for their 1-0 defeat against Japan. This heaped on a string of  ball blaming incidents first by  Tanzania's keeper Muharami Mohammed during their friendly defeat against Brazil ,  Algerian coach Madjid Bougherra following a 1-0 defeat against the perceived underdogs Slovenia finally leading Nigeria's Dickson Etuhu remarks 'it's difficult to know where the ball will go after kicking it.'.

 FIFA has so far dismissed the claims asserting the ball was available for practice as far back as February. An official  also noted the Germans did not complain after their 4-1 thrashing of the Aussies but one Nigerian  football commentator Oba Babatunde Ngaido  countered

"that's a football made in Germany what did you expect."

"If anybody has any complaints about the Jabulani they should file an official complaint just like the Europeans did for the Vuvuzela. So far i haven't seen one on my desk" said Sepp Blatter defending the 2010 ball.

 the ball at the center of the World Cup [blame] game captured in a far right Post corner ." FIFA should do enough.A level playing field will only be  achieved with a football made in Africa- not just an African name. After all this is our time"said the CAF President Issa Hayatou a native of Garoua, Cameroon

"You all know am a darling of Africa that's why i wholly supported the Kick Racism Out Of Football campaign and eventually brought the World Cup to you but people you have to understand it's a  bit late to change the ball at this point of the tournament" added Blatter wiping his brow in exasperation.

 Though Afro haters would be wrong to suggest it's only Africans who are calling for a ball change it should be noted that star players like David James(England), Mark Schwarzer(Austaralia), Iker Cassilas(Spain) and Gianluigi Buffon(Italy) are in support.

 "That's a cheat the last four are goal keepers. Go fool an American and for the record, nothing personal but i think the Italian keeper is an old buffoon" said Brian Chadwick an English fan,  three days after their disappointing 1-1 draw against the United States.

Reached for comment the US Coach Bob Bradley said the blame game should stop  quoting the Truman classic 'the buck stops here'.

He also reiterated he still expected a repeat of the 1950 1-0  defeat against England, 60 years ago [should they meet again].

"We will fight this war with everything we've got for as long as it takes" concluded Coach Bradley at a press  conference in Pretoria.


Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Is Higher Learning Necessary? Experts Say Not Really

SAN FERNANDO, California- Experts across the United States have come out strongly against the generally held belief that higher education is a crucial pre-requisite in the 21st century tech driven world.

"Honestly and contrary to popular belief you don't need four years of graduate school to figure out how to make money. And whats with the outcry over rising fees and mounting student debts" said Pascale Munir PhD a Sociology Professor at UCLA.

Most college educated people disagreed saying most people opposed to higher learning are bitter they were not able to achieve it because of a number of factors like first world poverty, poor grades,ill advised subject mix,lack of opportunities to get laid or in some cases, a combination of all.

 tired of the world famous drop-outs Bill gates and Paul Allen (Microsoft), Lawrence "Larry" Ellison (Oracle), Richard Branson (Virgin Group) and Mark Zuckerberg(Facebook), Kenyans demanded a closer-to-home drop-out success

"That's nonsense" said Steve Chadwick a crossword puzzle constructor for the Melbourne Times. " I dropped out as a sophomore because there was nothing they could teach me there and look at me enjoying what i do-how many people in the world can say that" added Chadwick.

Recent statistics indeed show seven out of ten graduates are working in areas unrelated to their field of study while the others who are lucky are always worried if they will be able to keep their jobs at least until their kids finish college.

"Why don't you give your kids the option of a 2yrs technical or vocational training?" that's the question we put to Adelaide Burmeister keeping in mind there is a ready demand for "hands on" jobs rather than the bunch of BA's in English, Psychology, Natural History and Anthropology and Ms. Burmeister replied she want's her son to experience life on campus- we conveniently forgot to ask if that included binging and sleeping around.

For all the opponents of higher learning of course we have an equal number of proponents who argue it's not a question of college diplomas/degrees vs. high school diplomas/degrees but their quality. "We all know 8.4.4[American education System] does not suck, it's the schools.

Too many inferior credentials chasing too few jobs" said Dr Jake Albrough of Wheaton School. But all is not lost as President Obama has commissioned a task force to immediately comment on the matter and encourage young people and indeed graduates to diversify into enterprise and job creation.

"Working hard at your job is a good thing but right now we need more people who work hard to create those jobs" Said Obama drawing attention to the number of jobs created so far after the recession at the same time being cautious not to point a finger at the B-School trained executives who caused it in the first place.

Meanwhile, sensing support from the government side the American Dudes and High school Dropouts[ADHD] and the Pre-Tertiary Student Drop-outs[PTSD] both organisations working closely at helping baby boomer drop-outs, generation X and Y 'freeters'( young people hoping from job to job)  presented a 1,000 signature petition to the President  demanding a law allowing it harder for employers to fire people -just like in France they said- and the need to present 'college papers' in job interviews yet they already posses many years of practical experience.

In a written statement through the White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, President Obama politely told them to go back to class and get an education . Eneza

Monday, 24 May 2010

Technically At War North And South Korea Making Good Progress Towards The Real Thing

From Both Sides- News just in reveals the Southern part of Korea has refused to speak with the Northern part. This came as a result of the Northern side torpedoing a southern warship.This has led to a further thawing of relations whereby whilst before the two were on 'talking with' terms, this rapidly degenerated to 'talking to' after the sinking as accusations and counter accusations flew across the demilitarized zone [DMZ] like spitfires on nitro.The final straw came after the ballistic findings.

"We also want our cows back and they can keep the calves and the [bull]shit if they want" said Lie Jijie an angry Southerner referring to the 1001 cows sent over across the DMZ in 2001 by the late Hyundai group founder Chung Ju-yung in accordance with the Sunshine Policy of the South which promised greater interactions and nice feelings between the two Koreas and of which Ju-yung was a big fan.

 Meanwhile, the U.S government was fully behind the South's decision blaming the North for everything while China insisted the U.S wasn't helping an already tense situation. "It's too early to be certainly sure it was a North submarine or torpedo for that matter which sank the surface ship" said the Chinese foreign minister H.E Yang Jiechi.

"there is a good chance another neighboring country's submarine torpedo might have hit the submarine which in turn surfaced automatically as an emergency ship" he added.

Ambassador Yang quietly retracted his last statement after the Russian government complained his hypothesis closely borrowed from the [August 2000] Kursk submarine disaster which claimed all 118 sailors and officer's lives in unexplained circumstances.

This new reality will also mean both sides will expel each other's workers from their jointly run factories in the border,place propaganda blaring speakers facing the other's side at the border,drop WWII like propaganda leaflets without trespassing the other's airspace in short-make it evident to friend and foe they are technically at war without being at war outright.

Pundits speculate there is a good chance Legoland combat troops and Terracotta warriors are expected to feature prominently in the front lines "just in case of a full scale war". At the same time, sound and acoustic Engineers were worried less base from the speakers might not get the propaganda message out clearly since they might be wired in sync[in phase].

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Bitter Sweet Victory For A Muslima Miss America

PLANET HOLLYWOOD RESORT,Las Vegas-As news of the brand new  winner of  Miss America,  or is it Ms America,  an Arab-American but strictly speaking a Lebanese-American, Rima Fakih, sank in and congratulatory sms's zoomed across the networks organizers are  agonizing on which demographic minority to make Miss USA 2011.

 "We have already received a ton of  requests from the Majority Minorities. Hispanics, African-Americans, Asian-Americans, Chinese-Americans and the rapidly growing Africans in America for kind consideration for the much coveted crown." said Kirsten Plumf a panel member.

" But that's not all. We received such a barrage of race/ethnicity names i never knew existed like the Chammoro. Almost though it was a variation of Chicano.Luckily we verified everything at the Census Bureau's website which also kinda vaguely explained the differences between Spanish/Hispanic/ Latino et cetera" added Plumf.

The GOP neo-conservatives complained this was a move at bowing to the  Muslims but Ms.Plumf dismissed them as old school politicians just doing what they do best- politicizing everything at first sight.

Meanwhile, modern Arab-Americans across America celebrated by firing blanks in the air at this rare victory in which  nobody was hurt which proved critics wrong, once again, that soft power is not just rhetoric.

Similar feeling was felt across  international borders: "nine years after nine eleven. America has a president of Muslim origin and a Muslim Miss America," tweeted Khalid Alkhalifa, the foreign minister of Bahrain.

But not everybody was happy especially  fundamental Muslim websites who condemned Rima for bringing dishonour upon her family. Threats of the usual  fatwas followed immediately.

 the mostly Muslim Arab-Lebanon-American Miss America 2010  who  easily passes off as an African-American  to a regular American effectively ruins any chances of an African-American winning the 2011 tiara unless, of course, she is Muslim

"Well, modeling is fine as long as the woman is chastely covered up but we  have proof this girl has stripped at least once, pole danced and wore a bikini. Though i must add i haven't seen the photos  myself  and the footage because i think beauty pageants is toxic entertainment, what she did my colleagues say is not very good " said a representative of MIA[Muslims In America] Shahad Bilal who is considered a voice of moderation.

Rima's friends and family have chosen to ignore such threats and advised her to do the same and her uber-moderate parents reassured her she is a quasi Muslim i.e practicing both Islam and Christianity thus the fatwa does not hold.

Something else they have chosen to ignore is Bilal's incessant  calls to their family home to 'discuss a way out' in return for their daughter's hand in marriage- the proper Islamic way.

Monday, 17 May 2010

al-Qaeda To Release Tapes In English

Someplace Between The Afghani and Pakistani Border- In a rare announcement widely viewed as a seismic shift in  policy, the al-Qaeda communications director  Ahmad Al-Awrang announced Monday, English will be one of the languages in use in  audio taped messages, VHS recordings and anonymous literature.

"We are fed up with all the substandard Arabic translations proliferating Western newsrooms" said al-Awrang in a heavily accented but fluent  English. "Though my critics might disagree but the truth is most Arab-Americans speak pathetic Arabic" added Awrang.

Indeed most critics thought otherwise.

According to the CIA insider by the handle Agent Zee, most interpreters are from outside the United States.

"Omani Arabic, Yemeni Arabic, Saudi Arabic you name it, we've got it" said Agent Zee himself a born American of Arab heritage.

"Am not sure it is in my place to say this but i have to say this is  classic case of misplaced priorities on the part of al-Qaeda i mean, they should leave this translation job and it's inherent costs to us. We are perfectly capapble" added Zee.

We submitted  written questions to Awrang through his cave aids especially on the above point following the  not so in the past  report by the State Dept that the terror organization was facing difficult financial times.

"This is not about money, it's about principle" responded Awrang."Every American deserves the right to accurate translations whether it's a 15minute speech or 5minute 'howdy do'.This is a serious matter which can affect the daily routine of millions and going by living history, affect some for the rest of their lives" added Awrang.

Though al-Qaeda's concern sounds genuine and is a matter close to many a westerners heart as the first amendment  analysts suspended this was a propaganda war between the two principals.
"I see his as a push-pull scenario with the Federal government keen to show the people it is doing a good job of  translating what the terrorists are saying while the terrorists are saying hey, wait a minute, that  does not translate to IED, it's mini nuke." said Craig Parnsley senior fellow at Washington State, department of International Relations.

"It's much like our foreign policy of winning hearts and minds and  shocks and awe right back at us though most Americans would prefer the latter roosting some place else but home" concluded Parnsley.

 as of the time of reporting, archived clips like the one above were being voiced over for re-broadcasts. Pundits predict the move will revolutionalize the delivery of  video taped messages

Meanwhile, plans were underway to train fresh 'Linguistic Jihadists' initially majoring in American English then moving on to the less glamorous British and Australian English with successful candidates being awarded an international baccalaureate and  TOEFL which will empower them to translate in any terror cell anywhere in the world.

Presently, due to the cash crunch  lessons are by correspondence only specifically Skype but the organization is aggressively recruiting teaching staff. 

"Naturalized or radicalized born citizens of Middle Eastern descent from English speaking countries  are  highly encouraged to apply while knowledge of regional accents is, mashallah, an added bonus" said a middle aged gentleman only known as Iqram.

Iqram, as we later found out from our Someplace- In- The- Afghani- And- Pakistani -Border sources, a Somali with a tan, 6"2' sporting a stiff red ochred goatie was the appointed director of the programme. A former textile entrepreneur considered by his peers as a quick witted visionary.

It was also revealed the decision to 'tape in the infidel's language' as it were was reached following a non scientific research by the 'QLJ' [Qaeda Loya Jirga-council of elders] which showed the anglophone market made up more than 95 per cent of all  messages. The same sources confirmed  the English tapes will retain their Arabic subtitles just to make it clear 'this is not a bluff".

On a parting shot, we asked Iqram where he saw the programme and indeed the school five years from now.

"Five years is a long time my friend. This is going to be an instant hit. First of all we are going to spell check the 'Al-qaidas', 'mutallabs' and 'mujaheedeens' and other ambiguities so as to come up with a standardised system. Then you will have to get used to..wait..am spoiling the fun. Just wait and see but my promise is after we are done with the recording, the results are going to be 'shockingly awesome' " concluded Iqram.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Censoring Mohamed Episode Violates Equal Opportunity Offender Rule, Says Church

 In a classic 'U' turn change of mind the creators of  the popular pint sized animated  tv show South Park decided to sensor their 200th episode.

This preceded an almost global outcry from Muslims following the depiction of Muhammad[saw] in a brown bear suit alongside making fun of other religious figures such as Jesus and Buddha who interestingly remained  'uncensored'.

South Park fans and critics alike were astounded.

But the duo who have come to cut themselves as immovable anything goes,  foul mouthed non-conformists[at least on tv] comic geniuses who had vowed not to budge or buckle regardless of the amount of pressure or where it came from defended themselves by saying it was their network[Comedy Central]'s decision.

"This clearly is a  blatant  violation of the equal opportunity offender rule" said Das Cutchill a fan from the San Fernando area and regular church goer referring to the no holds barred offend-o-meter characteristics of the show.

"The CC executives told us it would be a long shot to  portray Mohamed speaking English and we argued back; so does Jesus but they said Jesus is alive!" said Stone.

"That left us speechless and besides i think they had a point- the best satire should have just enough credibility to test your gullibility" added Trey.

But moderate Muslim fans were not so convinced.

"I believe the very real threat of a 'Van Gogh' on them dampened their sense of humor and rattled them for a while and am not talking about the Dutch artist here. I mean, who wouldn't . We've been  having Ayaan[Hirsi] right here in Washington D.C, one of the most cosmopolitan cities in America but she is still afraid of people finding out where she lives" said Malik Hassan a DC area African American revert to Islam referring to what he said was a 'mild threat' against the two on an American Islamic website and also the anti-Islam Somali born former Dutch Parliamentarian and friend of Van Gogh Ayaan Hirsi Ali.

Meanwhile, South Park announced it will create a balaclava clad 'rag head' from now henceforth to depict whom Stone said would be a  character known as Mehmet to  make fun of a fast growing religion which is slowly blanketing all others.

"I would prefer the name 'shit head' because of the blanketing and all you know what am saying. You see Mehmet, which was Trey's idea anyway almost rhymes with Mohamed and i don't wanna die" added Stone.


Thursday, 22 April 2010

Next iPad Prototype Leaked, Found In Parking Lot

CUPERTINO,Ca- In what seemed to be a case of apparent carelessness  on the part of an alleged Apple employee a next generation iPad was reported lost and eventually found- in a parking lot.

A leading technology Weblog about  consumer electronics reportedly bought the next iPad from a recently convicted DUI, verily piss drunk seventeen year old college kid sobering up before he could drive himself home.

"I was wasted big time and my friend Jeff had taken a taxi after he could not find me either in the gents or the patio.So he left to report the matter at the local Sherri f department thinking,  in a state of intoxication i must add  i had been abducted by aliens" said Phil Daugherty the verily piss drunk seventeen year old  sophomore.
 The leaked next generation iPad smartly disguised as the now generation iPad

"Then alas! as i picked myself to  pee on the nearest tree this black shiny thing caught my eye and i immediately  realized i was standing in the presence of an Apple product" added Phil. 

Lost and found expert Sheriff Jorge Santori admitted there was a  possibility of Phil's statement containing a number of truths and half-truths especially given Phil's 'verily piss drunk state' and wondered how the vaulted, tight lipped  trade secret apparatus which is Apple security could turn  up in a parking lot.

" We are talking about major Men In Black security here.Those[Apple] guys don't just zap the memory of their costly products inventory you own but they also make a McZombie out of you" added the Sheriff.

Apple lawyers meanwhile demanded their device back and consequently applied for a gag order preventing any further mentioning, discussion or talk of their next big thing by regular Americans and any other 'unauthorized parties' until after Steve Jobs unveils it officially some time in the near future turtle neck style with black screens and all.

This did not prevent consumer gadgets conspiracy theorists from suspecting this was the 'iPad with wings' they've all been theorizing about after all there could  only one way it could have got out of the lab through, maybe, an air conditioning duct under repair and land on Cabro in one piece, in a not so near parking lot.

"Or worse still a window momentarily left open which i must  is very irresponsible of the engineer involved" said Adratos Makropoulos, an authority tech naysayer in the Bay area in a shortwave radio interview on WKNDY.

Efforts to reach the Apple CEO Steve Jobs hit a brick wall  as an irritated Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer responded "iPad,iPod,iSlut,iShit  i don't really care" when we asked for his opinion on the issue.

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Cash Lost Ash Gained

LONDON, United Kingdom-As the airline ash fiasco is easing up after a week of major grounding of Europe's airlines, the International Air Travel Association[IATA] is squarely pointing a [middle] finger at European aviation authorities.

"It's a European mess. Lufthansa flight tests found not  a single layer of ash on the fuselage or turbine blades. I wonder what the fuss was all about" said IATA boss Giovanni Bisignani in a press release.

Critics have  come in support of Bisignani especially regarding  the UK's decision.

"That Island was not even classified in the 'ash envelope' to begin with but they just decided to close their airspace" said Karl Duissberg a vacationist from Dusseldorf who was stranded at Heathrow.

This view was shared by Dan Koko a Nairobi Horticulturalist.

 The 'ash' which devastated air travel was reportedly seen as far away as the Kuril Islands

"although our health minister was caught up in this madness forcing  an extended  stay in London i personally think flight should not be a priority for humans but perishables and commerce. I really sympathize with all the rotten Carnation" said Koko who speculated this had something to do with the forthcoming elections in Britain in a move by the Labour Party to show the electorate it cares.

Under fire, the European Aviation Safety Agency[EASA] based in Cologne, Germany vigorously defended it's overkill overreactions saying the ash from the Eyjafjallokull Volcano [glacier] could have have been worse  and might continue till 2011 eventually sinking Iceland at around December 2012.

The agency  issued a lengthy, detailed explanation that  this might then be preceded by  tsunamis which might be felt as far as Papua New Guinea, New Zealand and triggered by gigantic pyroclastic  flows, as a result of the gravitational collapse of the eruption column which will melt all  Ice in Iceland revealing the land
 then melting that too and sinking it, or sinking it first then melting it IF the planes had not been grounded.

On Seeking  clarification on the last part we got the response

"It doesn't  matter in whichever order really. What's important is eventually this might have  led to Iceland being wiped off the face of the earth-without a trace." said Dr.Fritz Pfeiffer a Vulcanologist for the agency.

He however hesitated to fully dismiss emerging reports that the latest Shuttle landing  delays was caused by the presence of ash and Sulphur swept all the way to  Kennedy Space Center airspace by the Polar jet streams thereby forcing Discovery to land at Cape Canaveral.

" We have been having a lot of Sulphur dioxide and ash in our skies lately.This leads to a global increase in Sulphurous acid concentrations in high level Cirrus clouds. The resulting increase in cloud reflectivity would reflect more incoming sunlight than usual thus cooling the entire planet until the suspended sulphur falls to the ground as acid precipitaion" explained Dr. Fritz.

" From there, it's a safe bet to place the blame on the weatherman after all NASA has more important things to do than scare  the living daylights out of a perpetually terrified American Public." he added.

Mission Control meteorologist were angry and offended by Fritz's insinuations but not as much as the British Minister of the Exchequer and his Netherlands counterpart following the Icelandic finance Minister's recent off the cuff remarks.

The two countries which have been leading the push for Iceland to repay money owed to them were put off by the much cliched chain mail "you ask us for cash, we give you ash" right from the mouth of Arni M. Mathiesen after a press conference with Mathiesen sheepishly adding "we always know when the microphone is off".

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Friday, 16 April 2010

The Pope Faces A Day In Court

VATICAN CITY,Vatican- A leading Atheist Richard Dawkins has hinted on the possibility of suing the Pope on child abuse cover ups in the Catholic church when he was Cardinal. This revelation has not led to a proper response yet but as the Vatican ignores Dawkins and says it's a virtual impossibility, Catholics all over the world voiced their contempt.

"Isn't the Pope above the law? after all he is the Head  of a State thus automatically qualifies for diplomatic immunity" said Kaitlin O'Hara a school teacher from the village of Aghalee, Northern Ireland.

Her friend Imma concurred but was not sure whether Vatican was a State. 

"Why do they call it Vatican City then when it's actually a State" said Immaculate"Imma" Sanders, Kaitlin's neighbour and a close friend.Kaitlin tried to explain it's actually both- a City State as Miss Sanders nodded her head repeatedly in the affirmative giving the impression they were on the same page.

As the Vatican PR machine claimed this was a scheme by Atheists to make themselves relevant at the same time get back at their most vocal opponents level minded and liberal Catholics who overwhelmingly happen to be non-practicing Catholics admitted  nobody is or should be above the law a point which was picked up by the former Archbishop of Zambia Emmanuel Milingo.

"I told them way back this whole [celibacy] thing would go way out of hand but they didn't listen-now the law will be all over their asses" said Milingo to which an angry Vatican Nuncio[Ambassador]  requesting anonymity quickly replied " It's impossible to prove anything and the law is an ass anyways".

"and for the record, to paraphrase one of our foreign secretaries,  it's the  homosexuals who are Paedophiles"  added the Nuncio

Indeed legal experts interviewed admitted the logistics will be daunting and it was very clear where the burden of proof lay.

"Proving Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger and Pope Benedict XVI are one and the same guy,subpoena-ing individuals scattered across Europe then making sure they talk, for nothing, i mean if a potential witness can keep quite for something why talk for nothing" said Prof. Minsky Eidver Phd. a Criminal law authority at Boston State University.

"This is a classic example of a prosecutorial assignment from hell.I'll pick it up as a case study for my class if ever you succeed-good luck" he added.

Dawkin's lawyers advised maybe they should hope the Pope resigns out of 'collective shame and responsibility' or wait till he retires but  they figured he'd be too old and probably sick by then to stand trial.

"Sh*t!! it says here in the Papal law  Canon 332, No.2 impeachment is a near impossibility and his office is for life-just the kicks we needed" said Ian Marsh lead counsel.

Meanwhile, as the legal team was considering preparing a formal indictment order for  the Pope to the ICC, it is reported the Vatican's communications director was supposedly trying. in vain, to get in touch with the Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir.

On questioning a spokesperson claimed "cases of this kind are subject to pontifical secret" but hinted it was a courtesy call in line with the Vatican policy of extending a hand to other religions.

 "Field Marshal Umar Hassan Ahmad al-BASHIR  was busy waiting out for the election results but we hope to get through before Sunday to discuss matters of mutual co-operation" he added.


Friday, 26 March 2010

Social Scientist Draws Parallels Between Makmende And Samsom

 As Makmende Continues to fascinate the imagination of many in the country, researchers at the University of Nairobi[UoN]  have drawn parallels between the Urban legend and the Biblical Samson.

One overzealous scientists has  gone thus far to theorize Makmende comes from the same bloodline as the Old testament divine Super-hero who once killed 1000 Philistines[ modern day Palestinians] with a donkey's jawbone which makes Makmende  very likely a Kenyan of  Jewish extraction.

"Look at it this way. They are both badasses never mind he is black. So are Ethiopian Jews."

"How else do you explain the long Afro and extraordinary Kung-fu. I dare him to cut it " said Dr. Mark Ochi lead researcher on Makmende at the Department of Social Sciences.

But Lineaologists at Campus dismissed  Ochi's claims as pure imagination.

 "Ochi is a talented Doctor with the gift of a powerful imagination. But he is the same guy who also hypothesized Esther Arunga must be devil possessed-to leave a good job and move to a church. As we know she is happily married now and possibly rich . If anything my personal opinion is she was possessed by the H-Ghost" said  Philip a  third year Theology student with a minor in Psychology at Kenya Methodist University[KeMU] and an aspiring Reverend.

"Jehova Jireh" he concluded.

 "And unlike Samson, Makmende hacheki na wasichana. Ana sura ya kazi.[Makmende does not laugh with girls and has a working face]" said Phillip the Theology Senior.

 ©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Thursday, 25 March 2010

Makmende-Unravelling The Urban Myth Episode 1

Who is Makmende? So they ask and we are not here to explain either so if you want to know who he really is go look  some place else or relocate.. from China.

As soon as he hit the news and the Kenyan blogosphere was all over this  'Mc-Ossum' superheroes superhero, Newsync reporters instinctively sprang into action to find out more and it turns out we discovered more than we bargained for and in the next couple of posts we will let you in about our exclusive investigative scoops.

 MakCucaracha as they call him in Spain is  a global hit. In  the DC area, he's simply MakRoach. The Republicans call him 'MakCrotch'  which is still a compliment to the Lothario Super-super hero.

It is revealed Makmende  owns a fake diploma website apart from his official one. Diploma Xpress with an estimated market value of USD 1620.6 is a perfectly legal venture specialising in producing authentic looking certificates from any institution of higher learning in the world except a few countries like Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan and the North and South poles-for obvious reasons.

In a recent interview Jo-el [no relation], Co-founder/owner of the 400+ member strong anti-Makmende Facebook group at the time of reporting, said "Makmende should be ashamed of himself" for dealing in such un-honourable business activities.

"This only goes to confirm what we thought all along. This guy is actually a fake-just like the certificates he produces"  added Jo-el.

Dmitri"Yevgeny Kaspersky" the other Co-founder/owner of the same group, and a Kenyan of Russian heritage, said we should all be careful as this "Makend* guy" as he put it is actually a bug, a computer virus out to infectmost computers.

"Those without Kaspersky anti virus of course" he added, tongue firmly in cheek.

Another 3 member strong anti-Makmende group owner who refused to identify himself for fear of embarrassing himself in public said Dimitri stole the 'bug idea' from his group's badge.

"As you can see from my page, my download is the photo of a motherboard and a real live bug atop" that's what they stole from me.

The Anti Anti-Makmende group members who are..in simple language pro-Makmende at the
moment described those anti-Mak group members as  losers who should get a life-and a Superhero. One even mockingly suggested a merger of the different Anti-mak groups popping up by the minute with members ranging from 1 to 3.

Meanwhile in other news, Makmende is credited with the surefire passage of  President Obama's Healthcare reform bill which became was a done deal today.

"Am not sure how he did it but this 'Makmender' guy sure knows how to fix the republicans.He is my homeboy-a brotha from another coun..my fatherland" said Obama stumbling on his teleprompter.

It is later revealed Obama dropped Superman as his chief Middle East adviser for a yet to be identified Super-Superhero.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

God Rejects Billionairre's Joint Bid To Buy Earth

God almighty, sole owner and creator of  heaven and earth has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani,Lakshmi Mittal and others to buy the planet.

With  a stroke of His Mighty first finger the  Almighty scribbled the  the word "NO" in Hebrew-the preferred lingua franca- on His iPad and handed it over to the Seraphim to present to the three Principals while He oversaw other important stuff.

" I don't understand why God does not want to sell the earth while it is clear in the Holy book he uses it as his footstool" said Buffet.

"It just does not make good business sense" added the investor.

Carlos Slim who wanted the Father  to explain his decision was swiftly rebuked by the heavenly delegation.

"Thy Lord does not have to explain anything to anyone especially thee heathen mortals" said one hawkish Seraph.

As they were being ushered to their ski lift up the Aspen heights, Apinitae a Cherub politely explained the Lord is usually busy passing over the skies during this time of year, you know supervising the seas, season transitions, middle east peace.

"It's Passover  time" added Apinitae. 

       "don't be naive, money can buy anything as long as the price is right" said Carlos

Back at home, Atheist sources speculated Slim had parted with a few   billion Pesos in mobile handsets and equipment, air time[talk minutes] and HDTV sets to avoid being beaten up by the Seraphs. In a tv interview Gates said he could not recall such incident while Slim defended himself by saying the   last time he checked  with  his money men he was still no. 1.

In a separate interview, Buffet chose not to comment on the issue only saying "Justice[U.S Department of Justice] fined my friend Gates a billion dollars way back. But half of it was in free windows software to schools".

"It's obvious Helu is doing fine, that's what i call good ROI[Return On Investment]" added Buffet.

Economists describe land as a natural resource which cannot be created but easily destroyed. Demand for it has been rising with the rising human population thus making  it an attractive investment option compared to say, stocks.

The worlds 20percent rich  own 80percent of it anyway.

Scholars speculated God refused to sell out because it was feared  America Movil, Slims company had plans to sell air time -that is the air we breath-  charged per minute; per second billing.

Business strategy advisors at the company denied the claims as impractical but admitted it was  in consideration only as a very last resort.

Doomsday theorists believed Gates being 'The One' was a major factor in the Almighty's final decision.

This is not the first time the Almighty, All knowing, Richest of them all has declined selling out. Sergey[Brin] and  Larry[Page] of Google unilaterally bid for the earth through their Google  Earth project in Aug. 2007 but God refused-again, no explanation given.

"They told us the earth was not for sale" said Brin.

However, they had to settle to taking photographs of the earth from space and at street level which is still the case to date-which was granted free of charge.

Sensing heaven would not let up, the billionaire's brilliant legal team perused the Bible for scriptural loopholes to exploit.

"It says here in Matthew chapter 4 verses 8 to 9 Satan took him to the peak  of a very high mountain and showed him the nations of the world and all their glory. 'I'll give it all to you' he said 'if only you kneel down and worship me" said lead counsel Jotham Squint.

"Satan was foolish for fighting  God's Government-you can't fight City Hall-but the 'Prince of this world' knows better now than to offer something which, so to speak, was not given to him" said Squint.

So the decision  was made to negotiate with Lucifer and a grinning Gates was unanimously votedf chief negotiator.

"The earth might be God's but the world is Lucifer's" so they argued.

Lead  critics Friends Of The Earth International and supporters of the billionaire's clashed on many issues but on this proposed new deal they agreed on one thing which was reiterated from unexpected quarters.

"Whatever they do i hope they will be careful when dealing with the Devil" said Bernard Maddof, in pink pants, forlorn and appearing apologetic as he moved back to his bunker clutching a back edition of Fortune magazine.

 Bill Gates was on the defence, again, fighting  emerging reports claiming Satan had already sold him the world in a secret deal in 1995.

Meanwhile, Buffet still couldn't get it. "Earthquakes, pestilence, global warming, pollution, desertification. God's decision making process and criteria sure is mysterious" said Buffet believing he could do a getter job of turning the earth around-to profitability.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Saturday, 13 March 2010

KCA to change name, Mombasa Poly to follow suit

Barely two years after it's upgrading and consequent name change to reflect it's new found status,sources close to the Kenya College of Accountancy University revealed the  board  was considering a name  change before the next  graduation ceremony.

It is believed this  follows pressure from the  public, students, Alumni, some lecturers and civil society groups who concluded it was rather ridiculous  that  a College which is now a  University College should be called a 'College of something' University.

"Enough is enough" said a communications lecturer who spoke on condition of anonymity. "We need  name change now or else we are going to come up with an unofficial one before December" added anonymous communications lecturer.

During an interview with Newsync, indeed management argued plans had been underway to come up with a new  name and some of the suggestions include KAU[Kenya Accountacy University] which was deemed visionary since "we won't need  to change that one the day we become a full fledged stand alone University".

But hardliners insisted KCA was okay

"As long as  we keep ignoring what the 'C' stands for just like we've been doing most of last year, well, i don't see anything wrong with that" said Dr. Jakoko Opal   future dean of the soon to be introduced school of political science.

But experts and Alumni warned it will be a PR disaster to take the Kenyan public for fools.

" Sooner or later the public will find out, probably on the internet or...maybe Jicho Pevu what that 'C'  really stands for and things could get ugly". said KCA Alumni Chairperson Wycliffe 'John' 

"You can fool people sometimes but you can't fool all the people all the time" he added.

These sentiment were echoed by Perfunas Mtendo Director/partner of GetItRight   a  motivational speaking company  cum Name Change Consultancy[NCC]

"To begin with, KCA sounds like a future nameplate for a vehicle. Same thing we told Vok[Voice of kenya] a long time ago when they were considering   name  change to KBC [Kenya Broadcasting Corporation]. They laughed at us; they thought we were funny. Now guess who is laughing" said Perfunas.

"Think about it, if VoA[ Voice of America] was as simple as ABC who would take them half as  seriously" he added.

On KAU, Perfunas said it not only was an existing plate number but  also sounded like the name of a defunct political party.

In similar news, Kenya  Polytechnic University College governing body passed a resolution Friday lunchtime, to change it's name back to Mombasa Polytechnic. Members said they could not give details till the news reaches the District education officer but our Poly sources speculated it had something to do with 'accomodation'.

"You know, with Coast province we have many problems.Our kids not making it to University,  this year Abu Hureira[High School]. I mean it also hurts to see a beautiful, well behaved, pure in heart girl cry on tv" said our source.

Townspeople and students admitted the long confusing name printed on the side of the Poly Bus had something to do with it.

"People in town always ask is this a college bus or university bus? we try to explain but end up confusing them  further eventually we tell them to concentrate on the first two words of the long sentence" said Jaffar Ali a Bachelor of technology senior.

Some governing members  however preffered the original name of the institution.

" Oh! how i miss the glory days of MIOME" said  Said Mwapembe board member and  Alumni referring to Mombasa Institute of Muslim Education.

Meanwhile in other news, Khamis Boys[KB] students, a boys only high school just across the Poly  sent a letter to the DEO requesting a name change like Korija Boys [KB] or Killer Beez[KB.

But since the name sounded ok ie Islamic  Ms. Khadija Ali didn't see the  point but the students argued other students from upcountry pronounce the name as 'kamisi', swahili for a female undergarment which they thought was not cool.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Elton John Calls Jesus Gay, Muslims Enraged

LONDON, United Kingdom-Elton John the Candle in the Wind Singer in an  interview with the Parade Magazine  called Jesus of Nazareth gay, a claim which angered many Practicing Christians around the world as such a  reference implied the Messiah  was a person who preached water and drank wine.

      "Hey, this dude is almost  twice the age of Jesus. Why don't he pick on someone his own age" Eric  Cartman

The Catholic League President Bill Donohue  commented it would be pointless to ask for an apology but Muslims around the world thought different.

"We will have to make a goat sacrifice of that cow" said  Sheikh Munlal Birehi of the Jamia Mosque Nairobi after Friday prayers.

"Issa bin Maryam(s.a.w)[Jesus son of Mary(peace be upon him)] may not be our number one Prophet but he comes a strong second and he still is our prophet" added Birehi  as he answered those he called "ignorant non-believers"  who speculated what this had nothing to do with Muslims.

"i wish one of his fans, preferably a cartoonist had gone ahead and printed something on  some widely circulating publication" said Buutay Dhaga-deele 25, a second generation Somali immigrant to reporters in Aalborg, Denmark.

"hopefully with the  hair coiffured to resemble a turban or such-like" he added.

But critics have condemned Buutay's remarks saying it had more to do with the pent up anger which to date remains unreleased after the Danish media somehow apologised about some cartoons some time back.

The Ulamaa[Islamic scholars] Society of Kenya was investigating the possibility of organising a [peaceful] march in protest  to the British High Commission in Nairobi  following the revelation in their weekly online and print bulletin The Friday Bulletin dated  5th march 2010.

"First it was Sir Salman Rushdie, now Sir Elton John. I think i see a trend here. How could the Queen, the head of the Anglican church bestow honour to such low-life scum" said Kaleem Jugsodaay a lawyer  for the society questioning the rationale behind knighting such people.

Meanwhile, Sheikh Birehi was preparing a proposal to declare a fatwa on the singer's head which is expected to reach he Chief Kadhi Sheikh Kassim before the end of the week.

Whilst it was mostly Muslims who came out in strong defence of Christ, most christian leaders defended their soft stance by claiming they always asked themselves and their congregations" what would jesus do?"

"Yeah right, and Elton John  is straight" said Pat Robertson in his harshest terms yet.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Monday, 1 March 2010

Chileans Worried They Won't Get As Much Attention As Haiti

SANTIAGO DE CHILE, Chile- Breaking fears from the Chilean government revealed the Earthquake Preparedness and Disaster Management Authority was fearful the City would not attract as much media attention and by extension plane loads of aid and goodwill sms's from the people of the world as Haiti.

Though the quake that hit Santiago was a hundred times stronger than the “Voodoo quake”, officials were concerned this event of major magnitude in the country's recent history would go unnoticed similar to the '10 seconds of fame quake' on the 26th of February 2010 in Okinawa, Japan which the U.S Geological Survey put at 7.3 on the Richter scale, the Japan Meteorological Agency at 6.9 and which Newsync gave the scientifically indisputable average of 7.1.

Reporters defended the news black out.

“For starters neither a single soul was lost, nor a single injury reported in that one. No fires, no looting and the Nishihara refinery continued supplying it's 100,000 barrels per day-business as usual. That's not my idea of groundbreaking news” said Jairuchi Teremoto an iReporter from the Okinawa prefecture

“It didn't help much Chile managed to gather a bigger tremblor barely 24hrs later” he added.

 " in the news  they said the quake might have moved the earth a bit form it's axis thus affecting the lenghth of day. I hate it when that happens" said a Hawaiian beach goer

Though Chilean authorities were pleased the quake did not claim as many islanders as it's next door neighbour in the Carribean some hawks within thought it ought to.

“ I think we are quickly becoming victims of our own success at managing these natural crises with each quake claiming lesser and lesser lives. This eventually means less financial support, media coverage and goodwill messages which are key ingredients for a quick [economic] recovery and reconstruction” said a crisis management official whom we will call a Pro-quaker.

“I think the local authorities should seriously reconsider their building and construction guidelines; 'relax the bureaucracy' a bit especially with regards to residential areas and our emerging skyline just to see how far things can go. Dreadful will be the day when a 9.0 hits us and it's like the roar of a passing train in a concrete jungle- routine” he said.

“I wouldn't like us to end up like Japan”added the Pro-quaker

Meanwhile, President Obama promised his Chilean counterpart Michelle Bachelet of his administration's full support and commitment in reconstruction and relief efforts at the same time personally conveying the American people's goodwill messages during this time, their time of need [and attention].

But he also warned the Islanders against pushing their luck when they asked about the possibility of a 'We Are The World 25 For Chile'.

“At least Kenya has taken note, a country 12,000 kms[8,000miles] away. That has a special meaning to me and you should be thankful” said Obama in reference to the mapping work of the crisis group Ushahidi

Here's The Ushahidi Story [without permission: www.lamukenya.co.uk ]

"All we needed was a computer and a fast internet connection," said Erik Hersman, one of the team of volunteers based in Nairobi.

Ushahidi is an online mapping tool that can be used to collect and plot reports coming in from citizens via e-mail, SMS or even Twitter.

Messages plotted on Ushahidi's map of Chile already include: "Send help. I'm stuck under a building with my child. We have no supplies".

The intention is that emergency services can then use that information to target their efforts.

"We aggregate the citizen data and visualise it so that it can be used more easily," said Mr Hersman, who is just one of a team that spans Malawi, Uganda, Ghana, South Africa and the US.

“First strike Haiti we mostly watched, lost a citizen or maybe two. Second strike Okinawa, didn't even notice. Third strike, we had to do something. Am proud to be Kenyan” concluded Hersman.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Saturday, 27 February 2010

Tiger Woods Dropped By Gatorade, Threatens To Leave US

BARRINGTON, Ill-Tiger Woods threatened to leave the United States if Gatorade does not bend over backwards, swallow it's pride and reinstate his sponsorship. Sources close to the golfer confirmed Mr. Woods will temporarily leave the U.S.to give his [former] sponsor time for reflection 'to reconsider it's decision' concerning their future involvement with him or else extend his stay-indefinitely.

“I have let my sponsors down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior pertaining to my sponsorship. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my other understanding, supportive sponsors Nike and EA Sports. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.” said Tiger in a prepared statement.

“But this does not give any of my sponsors the right to embarrass me in public. I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, not a professional man whore” he added.

PesiCo, parent company of Gatorade denied claims the move had anything to do with the married golfer's controversial Nov. 27 car crash or alleged affairs with ten confirmed women. In fact, it denied ever ending it's sponsorship with Mr. Woods to begin with.

“I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really...er...we are amazed to hear the gutter press say we dropped Tiger” said Mary Doherty Director of Communications at Gatorade as she shuffled some papers on top of others.

"We decided several months ago to discontinue Gatorade Tiger Focus, the drink, along with some other products to make room for our planned series of innovative products in 2010. We hope to share more about our 2010 plans soon," she further explained.

Nevertheless Tiger's spokesperson and close family members would have none of it and and reminded them they had heard a similar story before especially the “innovative products” part on that letter from Accenture.

This prompted Head of Marketing Hector Huerta to come out strongly, add some credibility to her counterpart's statement and set the record straight

“Whatever regrets we have about letting Tiger Focus, one of our most profitable brands go down, have been shared with and felt by us alone. We have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which we [as a company] must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.” said Huerta

“We will strive to reduce the percentage of electrolytes and for all your support over the years Tiger[the man] we offer our profound thanks.”he added.

Quizzed by reporters on the rationale of reducing electrolyte levels in their future energy drinks Huerta explained it was to make 'better husbands and fathers of their customers and...of course a future partner'.
“On the same note, i insist. With all due respect ladies and gentlemen we didn't drop Tiger passe, just the drink. At your age i believe you can tell the difference between the two and just for the records we don't burn bridges at Gatorade.” said Huerta
“You never know when you might need performance delivered. It's in Tiger-he has the power to drive sales up” he concluded.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Cleveland Cavaliers Win Most Miserable City Cup

Cuyahoga, OH-Snatching the honour from the defending champions Stockton Ports,the Cleveland Cavaliers emerged victorious in a narrow but convincing win of 98-101 to be crowned the 'baddest' city in the whole of the 50 states of the United States of America and probably the eight provinces of Canada too.

Clevelanders generally welcomed the victory especially given the field was unusually crowded and tough this year round evidenced by the conspicuous absence of traditionally high quality,tough contenders like the Chicago Bulls in the top five instead replaced by relative newcomers.

The Philadelphia 76ers, veteran Guard Detroit Pistons[my personal favourites] and Flint Fuze from Michigan state together with the top two made up the top five Les Miserables this season otherwise known as the 'Big Five' with a guest appearance by the Bazooka, the Port-Au-Prince basketball team.

As such were the results of the USBL [United States Basketball League] which came to a 'we saw it coming' win to some and a rude shock to others.

As the Cavaliers celebrated their Monday night victory, sport commentators congratulated them for their anticipated win but some wondered whether the weather or man made factors played to their advantage

A few said a combination of both; man made decisions and the seasons conspired to dethrone the Stockton Ports of a possible win.

“This year's spring season started rather early don't you think” said Flint Stones a sports anchor for WKJD TV Mich. referring to the holding of the minor[USBL]eague initially announced in January, to be held in April.

“But thanks to the changing of minds of the officials, just like the seasons, we had to settle for second best” Said Stones.

However LeBron James the Cavaliers forward fended accusations the snow and cold played a part in the success of “The Forest City”.

“First of all a black man and the cold don't get along and this was not street basketball-it was played indoors though i gotta say at times the heating was sporadic at worst, luke warm at best” he said.

Wyclef Jean puts on a brave face as he tries to explain where the alleged money donated by the Cavaliers went to

Due to the high competition several cups have been introduced both in the major and minor leagues to accommodate talent which would otherwise mothball as a result of a lack of incentives. The Saddest City cup won by the New York Nets a few months ago, the Sin City Cup won by the Las Vegas Stars and most recently the Come Back kid Cup win by the New Orleans Hornets.

Sane minded officials warned of a major backlash against the proliferation of league titles some of which had political slantings with particular reference to the PalmPrompter Cup and Teabagger Cup won by the Alaska Dream and the Anchorage Anchovies respectively.

“What kind of a dumb name is Anchovies for a basketball team. And are they licensed” said Tim Wolof an NBA official.

The Cleveland mayor frank G. Jackson also opposed league naming which underscored economic under achievement and general lawlessness.

“Our [former] 'Plum-City' has just won the title of the most miserable town. Do you know what that means, yes, you Joe the Plumber. It means our neighbourhoods stink, our manufacturing sucks and unemployment is off the roof. We don't Rock any more” he said and suggested the Caveliers should chase after “economically correct” less depressing titles like Most Livable City Cup , just like back in the days of “Rock n' Roll”.

Emerging accusations allege the Caveliers broke the law in moving back and forth, playing both major and minor league allegedly to increase their chances of winning as many Cups as they could.

If found guilty they could be stripped of their hard won Most Miserable City title.

Caveliers lawyers argue they were well within the law since they were competing within “the charity clause” in a new ruling passed jointly by NBA and USBL officials on 25th January 2010 which allows any team to play in any league or tournament as long as half the prize is donated for a charitable cause.

“Why do you think the Bazookas were here in the fist place- for show business” said the lead counsel.

Ports lawyers suspected the Caveliers' lawyers had exploited a loophole in the Hoop for Haiti bill since some money allegedly donated to Yele Haiti could not be accounted for.

Meanwhile the City's recent success in sports has earned it a new reputation as the “blessed sports City” which ESPN finally validated by withdrawing it's 2004 remarks which described Cleveland as the “most tortured sports city”.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member