Tiger Woods Dropped By Gatorade, Threatens To Leave US

BARRINGTON, Ill-Tiger Woods threatened to leave the United States if Gatorade does not bend over backwards, swallow it's pride and reinstate his sponsorship. Sources close to the golfer confirmed Mr. Woods will temporarily leave the U.S.to give his [former] sponsor time for reflection 'to reconsider it's decision' concerning their future involvement with him or else extend his stay-indefinitely.

“I have let my sponsors down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior pertaining to my sponsorship. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my other understanding, supportive sponsors Nike and EA Sports. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.” said Tiger in a prepared statement.

“But this does not give any of my sponsors the right to embarrass me in public. I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, not a professional man whore” he added.

PesiCo, parent company of Gatorade denied claims the move had anything to do with the married golfer's controversial Nov. 27 car crash or alleged affairs with ten confirmed women. In fact, it denied ever ending it's sponsorship with Mr. Woods to begin with.

“I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really...er...we are amazed to hear the gutter press say we dropped Tiger” said Mary Doherty Director of Communications at Gatorade as she shuffled some papers on top of others.

"We decided several months ago to discontinue Gatorade Tiger Focus, the drink, along with some other products to make room for our planned series of innovative products in 2010. We hope to share more about our 2010 plans soon," she further explained.

Nevertheless Tiger's spokesperson and close family members would have none of it and and reminded them they had heard a similar story before especially the “innovative products” part on that letter from Accenture.

This prompted Head of Marketing Hector Huerta to come out strongly, add some credibility to her counterpart's statement and set the record straight

“Whatever regrets we have about letting Tiger Focus, one of our most profitable brands go down, have been shared with and felt by us alone. We have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which we [as a company] must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.” said Huerta

“We will strive to reduce the percentage of electrolytes and for all your support over the years Tiger[the man] we offer our profound thanks.”he added.

Quizzed by reporters on the rationale of reducing electrolyte levels in their future energy drinks Huerta explained it was to make 'better husbands and fathers of their customers and...of course a future partner'.
“On the same note, i insist. With all due respect ladies and gentlemen we didn't drop Tiger passe, just the drink. At your age i believe you can tell the difference between the two and just for the records we don't burn bridges at Gatorade.” said Huerta
“You never know when you might need performance delivered. It's in Tiger-he has the power to drive sales up” he concluded.

©2010 newsync





Eneza

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All Tiger All The Time

 Well, we had to wait till the fuss on Woods had died down or else we didn't think we'd get any 'cyber attention' for our rendition on mister Woods and since everybody was having a piece of some Tiger action we had to admit the temptation was too much to resist.

Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods is a talented Calibnasian[ caucasian, black, american, indian and asian]golf player who has been recently in the news following a series of  'weird' Cadillac Escalade SUV crashes which led to even 'weirder' alleged allegation which culminated to his postponement of any golfing activities till further notice.      

 always a swinger


On November 25 2009 the National Enquirer  published a story Tiger was having extramarital affairs which he promptly denied. It was actually marriage counseling, something to do with life-work balance- a married life, having two kids and need i not mention a high profile career as a professional golfer and if you are  not married yet...

 This was followed by a series of explainable crashes at around 2:30am  in his SUV. He first crashed on a hedge because he was trying to avoid a black cat crossing the road- be kind to animals and put on a happy face.

 As he successfully avoided the cat and hit the well trimmed hedge, he reversed and probably hit a water hydrant because of a manufacturing fault in the Distronic[warning] system of his 2009 CE-suv.

It is reported Cadillac executives apologized personally on phone to mister Woods for the malfunction but the NTSB[national transportation and safety board] is yet to order a recall.

"is it because the same guys happen to make the President's armoured vehicle and/or know people in high places? and how come the tabloids never picked on this?"

Before we veer off topic, as Tiger was pulling back to the road and really getting a grip on it, he hit a tree. That's when we suspected he might have had one too many for the night which is very unusual since his known indulgence was spending time on his boat-not drinking; nah!! just doesn't add up.

Luckily, his wife was riding on the passenger side or plausible still, could have been in the back seat that's why she was unhurt and came to his rescue.

Woods got away with lacerations on his face though it is confirmed no Gillette product was on the dashboard or  [heaven forbid] in  possession by his wife.  

He thanked his wife for the brave gesture and apologised for endangering his career and her life.

Aftewards, needless to say several women from a cocktail waitress to a porn star all numbering about 12 or probably a higher figure, sensing opportunity for a quick buck came forward with a series of truths and half-truths trying to put together pieces of what led to the series of 'weird' crashes.

Unfortunately, as of the time of reporting, no reward has been announced as yet for solving this Rubik's cube of a hell of a series of events.

one Black Hawk down, one to go

Meanwhile, Gatorade announced it won't be represented by mister Woods- as any doctor would advise; no sugared water for convalescents.

Accenture decided he was "no longer the right representative", Gillette suspended it's sponsorship-he's not the best a woman should get for now- followed by the Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer who claimed his time was up and he needed to spend more time with his family anyway.

"what was he doing in the marriage counselors office in the first place" they asked.

Nike thought ahead and decided to keep him since he had the "swoosh". "

"hey, this is Tiger he can  do it" said a Nike executive.

"Go Tiger go,just do it" he added

On recent [unrelated] news, a sports doctor  Antony Galea is accused of giving HGH [human growth hormone] to athletes including administering a special blood -spinning technique to Tiger to which it is said he responded well.

As of December, 33yr old Tiger's popularity had dropped to a low of 33pc from highs of 88pc following the 'gross, legally unsubstantiated misunderstandings of the past month' according to his lawyers.

©2009 newsync





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