Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Is Higher Learning Necessary? Experts Say Not Really

SAN FERNANDO, California- Experts across the United States have come out strongly against the generally held belief that higher education is a crucial pre-requisite in the 21st century tech driven world.

"Honestly and contrary to popular belief you don't need four years of graduate school to figure out how to make money. And whats with the outcry over rising fees and mounting student debts" said Pascale Munir PhD a Sociology Professor at UCLA.

Most college educated people disagreed saying most people opposed to higher learning are bitter they were not able to achieve it because of a number of factors like first world poverty, poor grades,ill advised subject mix,lack of opportunities to get laid or in some cases, a combination of all.

 tired of the world famous drop-outs Bill gates and Paul Allen (Microsoft), Lawrence "Larry" Ellison (Oracle), Richard Branson (Virgin Group) and Mark Zuckerberg(Facebook), Kenyans demanded a closer-to-home drop-out success

"That's nonsense" said Steve Chadwick a crossword puzzle constructor for the Melbourne Times. " I dropped out as a sophomore because there was nothing they could teach me there and look at me enjoying what i do-how many people in the world can say that" added Chadwick.

Recent statistics indeed show seven out of ten graduates are working in areas unrelated to their field of study while the others who are lucky are always worried if they will be able to keep their jobs at least until their kids finish college.

"Why don't you give your kids the option of a 2yrs technical or vocational training?" that's the question we put to Adelaide Burmeister keeping in mind there is a ready demand for "hands on" jobs rather than the bunch of BA's in English, Psychology, Natural History and Anthropology and Ms. Burmeister replied she want's her son to experience life on campus- we conveniently forgot to ask if that included binging and sleeping around.

For all the opponents of higher learning of course we have an equal number of proponents who argue it's not a question of college diplomas/degrees vs. high school diplomas/degrees but their quality. "We all know 8.4.4[American education System] does not suck, it's the schools.

Too many inferior credentials chasing too few jobs" said Dr Jake Albrough of Wheaton School. But all is not lost as President Obama has commissioned a task force to immediately comment on the matter and encourage young people and indeed graduates to diversify into enterprise and job creation.

"Working hard at your job is a good thing but right now we need more people who work hard to create those jobs" Said Obama drawing attention to the number of jobs created so far after the recession at the same time being cautious not to point a finger at the B-School trained executives who caused it in the first place.

Meanwhile, sensing support from the government side the American Dudes and High school Dropouts[ADHD] and the Pre-Tertiary Student Drop-outs[PTSD] both organisations working closely at helping baby boomer drop-outs, generation X and Y 'freeters'( young people hoping from job to job)  presented a 1,000 signature petition to the President  demanding a law allowing it harder for employers to fire people -just like in France they said- and the need to present 'college papers' in job interviews yet they already posses many years of practical experience.

In a written statement through the White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, President Obama politely told them to go back to class and get an education . Eneza

Monday, 24 May 2010

Technically At War North And South Korea Making Good Progress Towards The Real Thing

From Both Sides- News just in reveals the Southern part of Korea has refused to speak with the Northern part. This came as a result of the Northern side torpedoing a southern warship.This has led to a further thawing of relations whereby whilst before the two were on 'talking with' terms, this rapidly degenerated to 'talking to' after the sinking as accusations and counter accusations flew across the demilitarized zone [DMZ] like spitfires on nitro.The final straw came after the ballistic findings.

"We also want our cows back and they can keep the calves and the [bull]shit if they want" said Lie Jijie an angry Southerner referring to the 1001 cows sent over across the DMZ in 2001 by the late Hyundai group founder Chung Ju-yung in accordance with the Sunshine Policy of the South which promised greater interactions and nice feelings between the two Koreas and of which Ju-yung was a big fan.

 Meanwhile, the U.S government was fully behind the South's decision blaming the North for everything while China insisted the U.S wasn't helping an already tense situation. "It's too early to be certainly sure it was a North submarine or torpedo for that matter which sank the surface ship" said the Chinese foreign minister H.E Yang Jiechi.

"there is a good chance another neighboring country's submarine torpedo might have hit the submarine which in turn surfaced automatically as an emergency ship" he added.

Ambassador Yang quietly retracted his last statement after the Russian government complained his hypothesis closely borrowed from the [August 2000] Kursk submarine disaster which claimed all 118 sailors and officer's lives in unexplained circumstances.

This new reality will also mean both sides will expel each other's workers from their jointly run factories in the border,place propaganda blaring speakers facing the other's side at the border,drop WWII like propaganda leaflets without trespassing the other's airspace in short-make it evident to friend and foe they are technically at war without being at war outright.

Pundits speculate there is a good chance Legoland combat troops and Terracotta warriors are expected to feature prominently in the front lines "just in case of a full scale war". At the same time, sound and acoustic Engineers were worried less base from the speakers might not get the propaganda message out clearly since they might be wired in sync[in phase].

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

Bitter Sweet Victory For A Muslima Miss America

PLANET HOLLYWOOD RESORT,Las Vegas-As news of the brand new  winner of  Miss America,  or is it Ms America,  an Arab-American but strictly speaking a Lebanese-American, Rima Fakih, sank in and congratulatory sms's zoomed across the networks organizers are  agonizing on which demographic minority to make Miss USA 2011.

 "We have already received a ton of  requests from the Majority Minorities. Hispanics, African-Americans, Asian-Americans, Chinese-Americans and the rapidly growing Africans in America for kind consideration for the much coveted crown." said Kirsten Plumf a panel member.

" But that's not all. We received such a barrage of race/ethnicity names i never knew existed like the Chammoro. Almost though it was a variation of Chicano.Luckily we verified everything at the Census Bureau's website which also kinda vaguely explained the differences between Spanish/Hispanic/ Latino et cetera" added Plumf.

The GOP neo-conservatives complained this was a move at bowing to the  Muslims but Ms.Plumf dismissed them as old school politicians just doing what they do best- politicizing everything at first sight.

Meanwhile, modern Arab-Americans across America celebrated by firing blanks in the air at this rare victory in which  nobody was hurt which proved critics wrong, once again, that soft power is not just rhetoric.

Similar feeling was felt across  international borders: "nine years after nine eleven. America has a president of Muslim origin and a Muslim Miss America," tweeted Khalid Alkhalifa, the foreign minister of Bahrain.

But not everybody was happy especially  fundamental Muslim websites who condemned Rima for bringing dishonour upon her family. Threats of the usual  fatwas followed immediately.

 the mostly Muslim Arab-Lebanon-American Miss America 2010  who  easily passes off as an African-American  to a regular American effectively ruins any chances of an African-American winning the 2011 tiara unless, of course, she is Muslim

"Well, modeling is fine as long as the woman is chastely covered up but we  have proof this girl has stripped at least once, pole danced and wore a bikini. Though i must add i haven't seen the photos  myself  and the footage because i think beauty pageants is toxic entertainment, what she did my colleagues say is not very good " said a representative of MIA[Muslims In America] Shahad Bilal who is considered a voice of moderation.

Rima's friends and family have chosen to ignore such threats and advised her to do the same and her uber-moderate parents reassured her she is a quasi Muslim i.e practicing both Islam and Christianity thus the fatwa does not hold.

Something else they have chosen to ignore is Bilal's incessant  calls to their family home to 'discuss a way out' in return for their daughter's hand in marriage- the proper Islamic way.

Monday, 17 May 2010

al-Qaeda To Release Tapes In English

Someplace Between The Afghani and Pakistani Border- In a rare announcement widely viewed as a seismic shift in  policy, the al-Qaeda communications director  Ahmad Al-Awrang announced Monday, English will be one of the languages in use in  audio taped messages, VHS recordings and anonymous literature.

"We are fed up with all the substandard Arabic translations proliferating Western newsrooms" said al-Awrang in a heavily accented but fluent  English. "Though my critics might disagree but the truth is most Arab-Americans speak pathetic Arabic" added Awrang.

Indeed most critics thought otherwise.

According to the CIA insider by the handle Agent Zee, most interpreters are from outside the United States.

"Omani Arabic, Yemeni Arabic, Saudi Arabic you name it, we've got it" said Agent Zee himself a born American of Arab heritage.

"Am not sure it is in my place to say this but i have to say this is  classic case of misplaced priorities on the part of al-Qaeda i mean, they should leave this translation job and it's inherent costs to us. We are perfectly capapble" added Zee.

We submitted  written questions to Awrang through his cave aids especially on the above point following the  not so in the past  report by the State Dept that the terror organization was facing difficult financial times.

"This is not about money, it's about principle" responded Awrang."Every American deserves the right to accurate translations whether it's a 15minute speech or 5minute 'howdy do'.This is a serious matter which can affect the daily routine of millions and going by living history, affect some for the rest of their lives" added Awrang.

Though al-Qaeda's concern sounds genuine and is a matter close to many a westerners heart as the first amendment  analysts suspended this was a propaganda war between the two principals.
"I see his as a push-pull scenario with the Federal government keen to show the people it is doing a good job of  translating what the terrorists are saying while the terrorists are saying hey, wait a minute, that  does not translate to IED, it's mini nuke." said Craig Parnsley senior fellow at Washington State, department of International Relations.

"It's much like our foreign policy of winning hearts and minds and  shocks and awe right back at us though most Americans would prefer the latter roosting some place else but home" concluded Parnsley.

 as of the time of reporting, archived clips like the one above were being voiced over for re-broadcasts. Pundits predict the move will revolutionalize the delivery of  video taped messages

Meanwhile, plans were underway to train fresh 'Linguistic Jihadists' initially majoring in American English then moving on to the less glamorous British and Australian English with successful candidates being awarded an international baccalaureate and  TOEFL which will empower them to translate in any terror cell anywhere in the world.

Presently, due to the cash crunch  lessons are by correspondence only specifically Skype but the organization is aggressively recruiting teaching staff. 

"Naturalized or radicalized born citizens of Middle Eastern descent from English speaking countries  are  highly encouraged to apply while knowledge of regional accents is, mashallah, an added bonus" said a middle aged gentleman only known as Iqram.

Iqram, as we later found out from our Someplace- In- The- Afghani- And- Pakistani -Border sources, a Somali with a tan, 6"2' sporting a stiff red ochred goatie was the appointed director of the programme. A former textile entrepreneur considered by his peers as a quick witted visionary.

It was also revealed the decision to 'tape in the infidel's language' as it were was reached following a non scientific research by the 'QLJ' [Qaeda Loya Jirga-council of elders] which showed the anglophone market made up more than 95 per cent of all  messages. The same sources confirmed  the English tapes will retain their Arabic subtitles just to make it clear 'this is not a bluff".

On a parting shot, we asked Iqram where he saw the programme and indeed the school five years from now.

"Five years is a long time my friend. This is going to be an instant hit. First of all we are going to spell check the 'Al-qaidas', 'mutallabs' and 'mujaheedeens' and other ambiguities so as to come up with a standardised system. Then you will have to get used to..wait..am spoiling the fun. Just wait and see but my promise is after we are done with the recording, the results are going to be 'shockingly awesome' " concluded Iqram.