Thursday, 17 June 2010

Algeria, Cameroon, Nigeria Get A Resounding 'No' In Opinion Polls

Nairobi, Kenya-  As Kenyans remained sharply divided  on the draft constitution they are about to vote YES or NO in a forthcoming referendum, sources in Pubs  have noticed a unifying factor- the World Cup.

Not the beautiful tournament  passe but the answer with a 'YES', 'NO' or 'So So' to the question  of who 'Should Have', 'Shouldn't Have' and 'Should  Not' have represented  Africa in the tournament.

Following   the results of a telephone poll by Synovate,a polling  company a whopping 89 per cent of Kenyans think Algeria, Nigeria and Cameroon were a general disappointment in their opening matches. 70pc of that 89pc were not surprised though as they put it  "following the experiences of  Germany 2006 we were just bracing ourselves for a whole new level of 'underwhelment' by our 'West Africon bradas' referring to Nigeria and Cameroon.

 76 per cent of pollsters also claimed this football team of Indian Gurus,Papajis and potential snake charmers would have provided a better scoreline and entertainment than those disappointing 3 teams put together. As of time of reporting, Analysts strongly predicted South Africa will make the number 4

 "Our computers showed a 110pc error margin + or- 0.03 pc. which of course is an error and am not blaming the machine" said Ms. S Poll research co-ordinator Synovate who declined to be named unless her computer crashed following day.

Algeria the African country just happy to be at the Cup again since 1986.

"They are a total waste of air ticket.Saying they area as productive as a paper weight is an insult to the paper weight" said Dickens Owuodo a Pub goer.

Leading Politicians opposed to the draft constitution did not want to be caught at the Train Station when the Ship was docking at Port.

"We have not figured out yet how but we are open to suggestions. We plan to make this triple digit 'NO' vote reflect on our own 'NO' campaign" said William Ruto a Politician opposed to the new Draft Constitution.

Needless to say the Algerians were furious by the belittling of their national team but not  as much as the mention of Egypt by in the 'Should Have' part of the poll alongside Zambia, Kenya, Madagascar and Sychelles the last three having never qualified.

"This is ridiculous. Egypt does not even acknowledge it's African-ness" fumed the Algerian Captain Yazid Mansouri.

Most other African countries agreed leading the Kenyan foreign minister to apologise on behalf of his countrymen to avoid a diplomatic spat.

"We had so much going on; the Premier League just ended, World Cup fever was catching on, Biden came then left with the President  for South Africa after a hurried budget speech at State House instead of the August House all in less than a week." said Moses Wetangula Kenya's foreign minister.

"And i conveniently forgot to mention  the referendum campaigns were heating up at that very time" he added.

Meanwhile, Synovate MD George Waititu announced a repeat of the Poll after news came in of South Africa's 3-0 defeat against Uruguay.

 Madiba in a statement through his aides advised Kenyans to steer away from ethnic politics and embrace Rainbow Politics at the same time get a life- outside of football and Shebeens

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Cameroon Blames Ball For Defeat

Afrique du Sud- A Cameroonian  player has blamed the Adidas designed synthetic Jabulani ball for their 1-0 defeat against Japan. This heaped on a string of  ball blaming incidents first by  Tanzania's keeper Muharami Mohammed during their friendly defeat against Brazil ,  Algerian coach Madjid Bougherra following a 1-0 defeat against the perceived underdogs Slovenia finally leading Nigeria's Dickson Etuhu remarks 'it's difficult to know where the ball will go after kicking it.'.

 FIFA has so far dismissed the claims asserting the ball was available for practice as far back as February. An official  also noted the Germans did not complain after their 4-1 thrashing of the Aussies but one Nigerian  football commentator Oba Babatunde Ngaido  countered

"that's a football made in Germany what did you expect."

"If anybody has any complaints about the Jabulani they should file an official complaint just like the Europeans did for the Vuvuzela. So far i haven't seen one on my desk" said Sepp Blatter defending the 2010 ball.

 the ball at the center of the World Cup [blame] game captured in a far right Post corner ." FIFA should do enough.A level playing field will only be  achieved with a football made in Africa- not just an African name. After all this is our time"said the CAF President Issa Hayatou a native of Garoua, Cameroon

"You all know am a darling of Africa that's why i wholly supported the Kick Racism Out Of Football campaign and eventually brought the World Cup to you but people you have to understand it's a  bit late to change the ball at this point of the tournament" added Blatter wiping his brow in exasperation.

 Though Afro haters would be wrong to suggest it's only Africans who are calling for a ball change it should be noted that star players like David James(England), Mark Schwarzer(Austaralia), Iker Cassilas(Spain) and Gianluigi Buffon(Italy) are in support.

 "That's a cheat the last four are goal keepers. Go fool an American and for the record, nothing personal but i think the Italian keeper is an old buffoon" said Brian Chadwick an English fan,  three days after their disappointing 1-1 draw against the United States.

Reached for comment the US Coach Bob Bradley said the blame game should stop  quoting the Truman classic 'the buck stops here'.

He also reiterated he still expected a repeat of the 1950 1-0  defeat against England, 60 years ago [should they meet again].

"We will fight this war with everything we've got for as long as it takes" concluded Coach Bradley at a press  conference in Pretoria.