Sunday, 29 November 2009
Well, my fellow Americans am the re-incarnation of the truth. Your messiah who is going to deliver affordable health care and set you free from the shackles of under-insurance by those big health insurers.
And for the 46.3million uninsured Americans out there, your day is come. You can now afford to get sick.
I also understand you're sick of that eyesore Guantanamo bay. Well, maybe not all of you but I know my friends in the not-for-profits and grassroots can't stand it and that's what matters. I'll need their influence and of course money come 2013 and thats all that is important.
Am closing that Gulag and even though I admit I might miss my January 2010 deadline I know can and we will shut it down as soon as possible probably before 2011. Never mind theres some construction of a block going on now or, maybe I said a similar thing last year but I still have this gut feeling that we can.
And to the Cuban-Americans, this will be a thanksgiving to be truly thankful for. Number one, me as your President and number two, It was also about the time Fidel Castro got really sick. I would not advocate Obamacare for him if I were you and to put it frankly I don't take it kindly on competition especially when it comes to delivering speeches.
Number three, I might just wake up one morning and decide the embargo thing is off, the ball is in your 'other' leader's court. And you might even be able to send as many dollars as you can send back to your relatives in Cuba- or have I done that already.
Our hand is still stretched out to you but it might just grow numb and lose it's feel if it stays that way for too long and I bet you don't wanna know what might follow next. Am not making threats here, this is tough love. You know yourselves and damn!! am not even talking to Americans anymore on this very American holiday. I guess it just goes to prove we are the world.
Peeps!! hope i have covered Domestic, Foreign, Economic and..i think I must have left out the environment but I promise to get back to it after Copenhagen December 9th.
Busy schedule, gotta go my subjects but be sure to follow my State of the Union weekly addresses on VOA and News Ync.and may God Bless America.
Now to the more pressing matters of that sweet potato pie, coconut cream and lemon meringue.
Saturday, 28 November 2009
there you go, the amazing transcript
First of all ignore the header. This is not my first thanksgiving gig. I did the first one when I was President-elect anybody remember? Okay , hands down now double Davids you know yourselves and if you thought it was the bomb!! wait til it comes out the Speech synthesizer this winter.
Talking of bombs we got many of those IED blasts scaring the shit out of our brave infantry men up there in the Middle East. But like I said they are brave and shouldn't be scared of some shitty fertilizer over-the-internet assembled bombs. In the same breath am informed their families want them back home by thanksgiving.
Don't they just care about the Afghani and Iraqi women and children
I apologise I couldn't make that happen and am sorry as your Commander-in-Chief I will have to request you my fellow countrymen another favor. I can see your surprised looks staring at the television screen and I hear you asking yourselves “what favor could the most powerful black man on earth possibly want from a mere Yankee.”
Well, don't be surprised. Am not special, am much like you-just like my predecessor was much like you.
And to prove it am about to ask the same favor as no. 43 .
Ladies and gentlemen your great country once again needs you. Maybe not you, yes you couch potato. Lounging stupidly on that La-z-boy sporting a beer belly, clutching a Heineken bottle on your left hand and the remote control on your right.
Or you ma'am, with the Michelin man neck.
Not that America don't need people like you. Of course we do. We need you to create McJobs as part of the stimulus but as of now we will definitely do with your nerdy community college kid enlisting.
Bring out your well toned boyfriends, NRA husbands, your daughters and almost anybody who can hold a shotgun and not shoot himself on the foot, or a fellow Countryman; do you hear me vice president Biden .
After all guns don't kill people. People kill pheasants.
Friday, 27 November 2009
On domestic issues he he really wanted to let them know how Bo Obama, their Portuguese Water Dog was unbeatable in Frisbee but I realised I could not squeeze it in because Bo looked much like my initials in the teleprompter and might just say it in full.
“I've had a slip of the tongue before” he said. “besides the first dog had no competition anyway and I would appear petty' he added.
“My swinging has improved a lot since I started hitting the links with the help of my assistant White House chef. Though I tied with Bush but I thought it'd be nice if they knew I beat Biden” he said. Am planning the same with McCain” he added obviously downplaying John McCain's golf playing experience.
But he deviated and made it known it was not only what he wanted to say but Sasha had something for 'them' as well “ look here Sasha made this handprint turkey”.
There's just so much to say [and show] with very little time” he added. Homeland security agreed.
On foreign policy, he said he regretted letting 'them' in on his trip to Mecca to give moral support to her grandmother Sarah Obama.
she will be part of those pilgrims and she won't have to worry about any swine flu in Arabia. Secret service will be there too; in disguise of course and who knows we might join in the act- you know, for old time's sake” Said Obama.
“There was so much fantastic stuff io didn't put in that speech that I would have put in that speech and make people applaud even louder till the their hands hurt.” said Obama as he pulled his wrist and slanted his head to glance at his TAG-Heuer.
“There is so much I could have told you guys but I cannot plus what I just told you which I did not but ought to have included in that brilliant speech to make it the greatest thanksgiving speech ever but boy, doesn't time fly.”
Critics criticised the 'Ought -To- Be -Included -But -Which -Was -Not-Be-Of-Time parts of the speech' for dwelling on the 'soft side of real life issues'.
We could not publish the transcript [or at least the edited version of the speech now] but it should be available as soon as Jonathan 'Jon' Favreau
is done editing his un-'Fav' parts.
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
As events unfolded the Kenyan mission in Pretoria expressed disappointment at the decision and immediately filed a civil suit on behalf of the Kenyan government on the grounds of uninformed, unwise and unfair selection practices on the part of the RSA.
The decision sparked a minor diplomatic row between the two countries with the Kenyan government demanding affirmative action be a consideration.
Major ISP's in South Africa complained bandwidth in Kenya was still expensive despite the landing of the fiber cable. "This would make live streaming economically non-viable"
a sentiment shared by an emerging demography of computer hackers in the country.
The other nation pissed off by this move was Phillipines who came second in the selection process with the official reason being it was very far away and also an island country made up of many islands.It was figured ferrying players from one island to play in the other might make players sea sick. And what if a shark attacked.
But many Filipino believed it was because they had a female President; for the second time and South Africa being a macho society that was completely unacceptable.
The Kenyan case was reffered by a Magistrate's Court to a Truth and Reconciliation Commision which was set up in record 72hrs which later dropped the case within hours of mention.
The south african of Indian descent Chairman [of the commision] Ravi Naidoo descriibed the case as not being quote, racist, bloody and/or unfair enough, end quote to warrant the tax payers money for any truth or reconciliation.
Meanwhile, the Indian sports minister Mani Shankar Aiyer said he was confident the country's Cricket Arenas will be retrofitted and marked in good time for the Football games.
FIFA President Sepp Blatter still insisted there was no Plan B or Plan C. The only plan was to make the South African event a success.
Monday, 23 November 2009
With only seven months to go to the world's biggest footballing fiesta, earth moving machinery and construction cranes were still visible in some of the six out of ten new stadia under construction.
Organisers of the 2010 South Africa world cup had acknowledged the possibility of everything not being exactly spic and span for the arrival of the anticipated sea of humanity expected to descend on this country for a share of the action of the 'game of millions.'
Thus the final decision to outsource at least part of the 'non-core' matches was arrived at during a high level retreat of top footballing officials in Sun City.
Soccer pundits in the country confirmed rumours that the Football Process Outsourcing[FPO] debate, coined after the term Business Process Outsourcing [BPO] had been doing rounds in the South Africa Football Association round table as early as April fools 2009.
But the issue wasn't taken; seriously until the unfolding of recent historical events.
The downing of tools and picking of big sticks by the 70,000 strong National Union of Mineworkers members in July for a 13percent increase in wages was a mind opener to the board members.
A brainstorming session was held in SAFA House Johannesburg since it was clear there was need for a 'Plan B'. The FBO subject was taboo to most as it meant capital flight, which led to job flight which led to social disobedience which in turn degenerated into violence and finally xenophobia.
Nevertheless a brave rookie administrative assistant brought up the issue and broke the myth. It was silently gazetted and when people found out, there was outrage.
The rookie was fired but many see him as a scapegoat.
" but again SAFA with the support of the government of Jacob Zuma would like to take this opportunity to assure all South Africans that the opening matches, semi finals and finals will be played in South Africa" he added, to moderate applause.
It was officially announced in the papers only, given the unpopular nature of the decision that all none core matches otherwise round one matches [with exceptions] will be played in Hyderabad and Srinagar.
"that is where we could get the best per ninety-minute rates" said Victor Itumeleng FASA's strategic economics advisor.
"but we are open to economically competitive venue suggestions since it is a large country geographically and we are not so familiar with outsourcing football matches to India but again, nobody is" he added.
"and it goes without saying, the biggest winner here is the South African tax payer" he concluded
Sunday, 22 November 2009
A high school student is under investigation by the Kenya National Aptitude Council [KNAC] for apparently cheating his way through an aptitude test. Aptitude, which is defined by Yahoo answers as being the natural inborn innate ability, competency and attitude to do something very well such as singing, acting, playing the Saxophone or doing Math was until recently believed to be cheat proof.
"And if these tests and investigations bring out the widely expected unexpected 'positive results', this will have a negative impact in our society." said Paul Kobbi spokesperson for KNAC. Lexicographers the world over are expected to fall over themselves redefining the word which for generations has been synonymous with natural gifts.
"this investigation will finally shame those Bodies of scientists and thinkers who still believe the aptitude test is an exact, foolproof science" said Luke McAskill co-founder of the What Man Can Do, Man Can Undo society of Wiltshire, a breakaway faction of the much larger Nothing Is Impossible Anymore society.
KNAC official were not readily available for comment following the embarrassment of a possible positive, or negative outcome-these words can be used interchangeably depending on which side of the divide you belong.
But later the Chairman of the council released a prepared statement to the press which described the National Council tests as quote, the most watertight in East Africa and the great lakes region, end quote.
There was mixed reaction with most students saying "it was not new news" as this confirmed a vice which has been going on since the inception of nation wide aptitude tests in the country to select only the best student's to join the Field and Track academies, Tennis academies, Cadet schools and CEO assistants.
Parents were dismayed and baffled at what the student was [maybe] capable of but some were quietly proud of their generation Y youngster's in general who happened to know it all about computers, hottest hunks on Venezuelan soap operas and mobile phone technology.
"It sometimes just blows my socks off at how much these kids know at such a tender age. I bet am a Neanderthal compared to them" said one parent, a teacher at a local high school on condition that his name not be published.
Parliamentarians sought the disbandment of KNAC followed by the creation of an interim KNAC to oversee the creation of a new KNAC. They also suggested a name change would be welcome since the current one sounded funny and made a mockery of their efforts to disband it's predecessor which was formed in 1980 through an Act of Parliament [CAP 225A] and other non-performing not-for-profit government institutions.
We also thought they had a knack for...
The teachers demanded the government ban students from carrying any mobile phones or suchlike electronic devices within a one kilometer radius of a school compound especially the ones which looked more expensive than theirs.
Parents disagreed saying they needed to know if their teenagers were doing it. And if they were, make sure they were safe. "Kidnappings are rife" said one parent.
The PTA[Parent Teacher's Association] is divided on the matter.
Saturday, 21 November 2009
eventually, the villagers politely declined.
as a tussle ensued as to which camp would predict timely rains, the government was getting nervous it might lose face amongst it's own people for not making accurate predictions or, maybe for even getting the whole thing wrong in the first place.
"the anticipated El-Niño rains might be something akin to the vision 2030, highly publicised, but hardly visible." speculated some.
Some journalists thought it could be a hoax, a public relations gimmick to...maybe keep the government's spin doctor in the job in this economic downturn, or keep the government running smoothly by oiling and cranking the propaganda machinery or maybe as the government spokesman noted, "a rumour mill powered by the galish winds of adversity of the [almost non-existent] opposition".
Meanwhile, while the government was busy choosing it's words carefully in order to come up with newer bluffs for the populace, the rainmaking camp seemed to be working with the seriousness, diligence, commitment, nimbleness and efficiency of the private sector.While the government was asking itself when, they were asking themselves the tougher question, what if?
What if the water we need so much doesn't come from above?
Then it will surely have to come from below. This prompted them to come up with a Plan B. Being the quick witted villagers they were, what with years rain making know- how passed from generation to generation verbally both parties realised the expert Dowsers, those people who find water underground by means of a forked branch, pendulum or wires were neither found in Kenya nor Tanzania.
South Africa was the place but it wasn't yet, clear how underground water would stop KPLC from implementing another round of blackouts, which in turn mean't the TV's won't turn on which in turn would make the women nag for missing out on DHW's- season 5 re-runs which to the rainmakers was the major issue.
"in Lagos they use Brushless Inverter EF2800i 2800watts/23.3amps. OHV-air cooled, four stroke, single cylinder 171cc 12v 8.3 Amp. 3gallon 19.0 by 15.5 by 16.7inch 2yr. warranty back-up Yamaha generators" said another well informed villager being careful not to mention the price.
The government dismissed dowsing as paranormal nonsense but privately feared it might just work.
That evening KBC's weatherman Ngetah Francois reported overcast over most of the the country, light showers in most parts of North Eastern with the El-Niño rains expected somewhere from November 31st followed immediately by the La-Niña not later than Feb.30th 2010.
Powered By Ringsurf
Friday, 20 November 2009
The Kenya Power and Lighting company, a local government owned and run electricity distributor has warned Kenyan's to brace themselves for another round of utility bill hikes if the El-Niño rains fail,contrary to the nation's free to air TV weather reports.
Trusted traditional rainmakers from Kenya working in conjunction with scientists from the Meteorological dept. had predicted the devastating,destructive and disruptive but apparently electricity bringing El-Niño rains would fall approximately three days and, give-or-take one and three quarter hours from the official El-Niño timetable adopted by the government, which was largely based on the Pro-government mouthpiece KBC[Kenya Broadcating Corporation] weather reports,
and external factors such as the Great Mara Wildebeeste migration,flight patterns of migratory geese on Discovery channel and children playing outside.
Rainmakers from Kenya, fearing time was running out with not a single grey cloud gathering in the clear blue horizon ditched their scientific partners from the Met. dept. and started looking beyond their borders for collaboration.
The result was the more experienced and powerful rainmakers from neighbouring Tanzania in the form of the Pare people, a renowned tribe of expert rainmakers and the person of Mfumwe[Chief] Muhammad Kibacha Singo's great-great-grandchild Mfumwe Jopolembe Gopolopo.
In partnership with their newly found 'Partners in Precipitation formation' they set out to convince the heavens to pour out it's bowels not only out of the incovenience of an eminent blackout which meant candlelit dinners but more importantly the wrath of their nagging wives for missing out on the re-runs of
Desperate Housewives season 5.
Reading panic amongst the population and fearing backlash, like the one which followed the hiking of maize prices earlier in the year [and the scandal accompanying it] the government extended a hand of co-operation and collaboration to the rainmakers.
The government tried to convince them of the importance of a joint effort and promised them free 2000lts. Roto®
water tanks per family for the harvesting of rain water, extending to the 'Mfumwe's'.
Nevertheless, the villagers stood their ground.
...to be continued,
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Nicolas Kim Coppola, the Hollywood star of blockbuster hits like Captain Corelli's Mandolin also starring the beautiful Penelope Cruz, Gone in 60 seconds and many more sneaked into the country in an attempt to escape media attention and visit a Kenyan prison in preparation for his lead role in " End of an Error- rot in detention" a movie written and co-directed by Gado, a famous cartoonist for a local daily.
"The visit caught us by surprise" said the commissioner of police a Mr. Kiraithe. "it's like the Arturs; we didn't know they were in til we saw it in the papers" he said
"They had burnt some newspapers" he added.
"I have a bad feeling the UN had a hand in this"
According to eye witnesses in the high security Shimo La Tewa prison at the Kenyan South Coast Mr. Cage was described as being in high spirits despite the dark cloud of an imminent bankruptcy and IRS lawsuits on unpaid taxes amounting to 6.2million dollars in 2007 and a further lien of 350,000 dollars dating from 2002 to 2004 which many believe is the reason he's losing hair.
"i can't let some stupid litigious Internal Revenue Service guys dampen my moods, ave got to stay happy, am rich, am famous, an A-list hollywood actor" said Cage to the only question fielded to him by the government spokesperson press secretary.
The UN officials, to whom he had been assigned didn't allow him to talk to the media but the government spokesperson's office inquired politely for his real reason of being here.
"we just wanted to make sure no Passats are stolen" a sick joke from Dr. Alfred 'Al' Mutua, the spokesperson.
" why worry when i got my manager[Samuel J. Levin] to blame for this mess and for your information, am suing his ass for a whopping 20 million dollars for negligence and stealing from me" said Cage.
" i gotta go now, got a movie to make".
Sources close to Cage speculated "THIS WAS IT". This was the movie that's going to save him from all his tax problems and possible filing for chapter eleven[bankruptcy], take his family to Tazmania for the new year 2010 celebrations and even buy him back his German medieval castle of Schloss Neidstein which he bought in 2006 and sold in 2009 for undisclosed reasons.
Filming is supposed to start as soon as next week on Monday with much of the 'takes' at Riverwood, the Kenyan version of Hollywood without the beach and the...
let's keep money out of this. Money is a sensitive subject even amongst couples who married each other for better or for worse.
Then the crew will travel down to the Coast by public means for the final shooting.
Riverwood will handle the editing,final production, marketing and hold the distribution rights for the movie.
"this is an innovative approach meant to cut off all the middlemen and hangers on who actually,add no value to the final and honestly,baggage" said Waithaka
Waiguru,only introduced as a Riverwood rep.
Cage described Shimo La Tewa as the "warmest prison in the world"
The movie is expected to be an instant hit especially with former and current political prisoners demography in the country, the continent and Burma.
The year is drawing to a close. I know, I know. I can't believe we're still in this bottomless hellhole mommy. The General said we'd be out by June, June rolled into August, now we are in November and he's talking Christmas at the latest. Our tour of duty expired on February and the President is about to act on a proposal to send in more young men and women. “Is it that there are no graves is America that we are sent to die here?”- ok, that's from Charlton Heston's The Ten Commandments but you get the point.
I miss you mommy, hows Timmy, how's he doin' in school, he should work hard and turn around his report card you know. Bet he's grown all big, and tall and hairy faced with his voice breakin' and all. Just watch his grades for me alright.
How's daddy, he!he!he! guess the senior soldier had a Veterans day to remember huh! gul ol' gun tottin' geezer.
Naaaah! Well, I giss we too had our own little thing over here in the Green Zone, the tents strictly no punch, keepin' up with local shoobla doobla dwoink dwoink sensitivities thing but didn' stop us from having one helluva Veterans day.
Was a break from routine though. Green Zone's intel's tight but our Commanders figured a little watching over our shoulders here, our M16's there wouldn't hurt anyone. But nobody wanted to do the 'handy dandy' pantsy job while everybody else was having a good time so they settled on some local police.
It's okay, it's okay don't freak out mommy and don't tell Pops either; he's got a heart to watch you know. These were the loyal and trusted types, much like the English. They didn't blow our asses off. See, am fiiiiine.
Ya know what one mommy, am all upbeat now. Ya know what two, I forgit how mi bed looks like. After so many years sleeping in those darn stuffy sleeping bags, sipping on green Afghani tea to to kill the chill, I gotta request you tag me some pixs of my bed on my Myspace and Facebook profiles mommy.
Havin't forgotten my bedroom though, no chance. Mi know me sleepin' digs like the back-o-ma hand bitc..sorry. Though far from home, your bubbly Bambi Bumble Bee chibbidy libbidy pumpkin-pie kin still remember the 'ambience and serenity of thine S-a-n-c-t-u-a-r-y'.
Knobbly door knob, I liked the feel of it in ma palms; c-c-c-lutching it and rotating it in a counter-anticlockwise manner before pussyfooting in, peeping left, then right, then left again with mi finger pointed like a revolver, jus' to make sure all was clear.
Only fools rush in where a Private fears to tread.
..wait..what door knob opens in a counter-clockwise direction? I knew it, I knew there was something suspect about that door knob.
And that life size picture om my bedroom wall of our Commander in Chief, his Excellency President George W. Bush. Don't see him on Fox TV much these days. Just his Vice president Burrock O'Bammer. If I were him, should be careful about layin' low for too long even if ya ain't a popular Pre-z-dent . Them dark dude might just take over.
I know you might think my job has made me paranoid but Believe me ma, i spent junior high summer camp in the south with them kids from school. I knows them schemers.
Jus' hope he will come out and say we comin' home for thanksgiving. I miss home cooked turkey mommy and.... mommy, I jus' wanna come home!![weeps like a big baby].
Your's Son,Private Ryan
Monday, 16 November 2009
It is reported Tedd McNealy, a seventeen year old senior at Gallowsbridge High has finally made up his mind on what he wants to do after school.
The lanky, nappy haired, nerdy six four [6'4''] made the announcement early Saturday at approximately 08:30am at the breakfast table in front of family members who have been lovingly pestering him for the last couple of months to decide on what to do with his life after high school.
Mr. Gregg McNealy, the boy's father described the announcement as a pleasant surprise but admitted it was long overdue.
“ what the heck, he finally came through, that's Teddy my boy, reaching for the sky when you least expect.
Though Tedd denied any family pressure was responsible for his well choreographed breakfast table announcement, he admitted to be a little undecided on which of the US Airforce's array of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles [UAV's] he wanted to settle on.
“ I think for starters, I should go for the 3 -foot-long, camera-equiped Raven, but I've seen the Predator in action on National Geographic. That 'bird of prey' spits Hell fire missiles further than DiCaprio. Sure made smithereens of those Afghani civilians” he said.
“or maybe, the high-altitude, long endurance, much more sophisticated Global Hawk sounded
like much fun; phew!! decisions, decisions, decisions”
With his two older brothers, one a General Practitioner the other an Investment Banker, and his sister studying Law, they all seem to have fell through their parents [lofty] expectations but Theodore Abraham McNealy. He has always been the black sheep of the family, a disappointment with a swagger.
Unsure if he will achieve perfect SAT scores, yet [to get laid] and tasting Budweiser at the ripe old age of seventeen and a half, he was considered a lost cause-unless...
“ If I just conquer my fear of heights and make it to the US Airforce Academy Colorado Springs, am gonna prove to those wussbergs that Drone piloting can hold it's own against those old economy careers” said a visibly vengeful Tedd.
“ this is my chance to redeem myself and earn those wings” he concluded
Witnesses said Teddy was cut for anything but the Military.
“ to begin with, he likes Geography, the study of the Earth and the atmosphere” said Carl a longtime neighbour and Teddy's homeboy.
“ no offence, just honest friendly opinion. I think Teddy should consider being a pilot of a Civilian drone, like those they use to check the weather, or those sent in the 'eye' of Tornadoes to check pressure. At least they are less costly to land on the Hudson River”
Sunday, 15 November 2009
The International criminal court prosecutor Luis Moreno-Ocampo, in a press conference at the US$ 28 per night bed and breakfast Stayokay Hostel Dan Haag , described his recent tour of Kenya on November the 3rd as marvelous.
The Argentine lawyer, who has been the chief Prosecutor of the International Criminal Court [ICC] since 2003 even went as far as describing his hosts, the President and the Prime minister as the most easy going, intelligent and laid back people he has ever met, especially the President.
On the same note, he didn't stop short of giving praise to the great fauna and flora found nowhere in the world but at the heart of the most fertile highlands and dry savanna of the country.
“ we all know Kenco Coffee is a world famous quality product found in all supermarket shelfs across the world and in fact I had some this morning. I Had to send for it at Aldi Markt [a German supermarket chain] across the boulevard as my stock from Tesco had ran out. It's a shame they don't have those in Nairobi's supermarkets. I was willing to carry some in my folio bag, space permitting” he said
what's Kenco coffee we ask;anyone? As for us, coffee is not our cup of tea. Thought we were tea people.
“ and the wildlife,wow! Didn't disappoint. We went for one of those rugged buggy safaris to watch the big five in their natural habitat. I was shown the spot they killed that young British lady some time ago by the tour guide” he added
And as if that was not enough, the trio flew down to the coast. The two principals were joined by the Tourism Minister Nagib Balala and they took some photos in front of the 15th century fort Jesus, a living testimony of the Iberian's bloodthirsty massacre of Coastal men, women, children and chicken.
“ As a lawyer, and from my history books I understood the Portuguese were so cruel they wouldn't stand a fowl crossing their pathway- they killed it and not for table meat.” said Ocampo.
“ and don't forget atrocity is my specialty” he added matter of factly.
Balala said Ocampo's visit was paramount for the recovery of the tourism economy and no money could buy that kind of publicity.
After a hot mid-afternoon day of sightseeing and an expensive meal at State house, the three parted ways for what was later described by some reporters as a pursuit of individual interests.
Kibaki headed straight to the nearest nine hole, at the Mombasa Golf Club grounds, yap, you got it, the one overlooking La Terraza.
Raila headed straight to the Mombasa Old town fish market to sample exotic delicacies like Octopus tentacles , prawns and blue fin tuna-necessarily not found in the great lakes region.
Who showed him that place anyways. He should have gotten lost given the old town's maze of narrow, winding, confusing streets with similar looking buildings and people.
Meanwhile, Ocampo headed to historical sites like Jumba La Mtwana at Kikambala, South Coast where he got to see some ruins and a little verbal history from the wise sages about the Wagalla Massacre, before taking the irresistible dip into the white breaking waves at the backyard.
When asked whether there was anything serious discussed with the two heads of state given the amount of fun and a good time they had, Ocampo had a swift reply.
“ if you think you understand African politics, someone must have explained it you badly”
In other news, we were informed by our sources that the UN's special rapporteur on torture-cum- human rights expert Manfred Nowak's 'Holiday' to Zimbabwe was cut short when he was detained by police then deported on arrival following an invitation by the Prime minister Morgan Tsvangirai.
The country's coalition President Robert Mugabe thought it a bad idea.He'll definitely miss that wild safari in the velds
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Usain St. Leo Bolt, the twenty three year old Jamaican sprinter and three-time Olympic gold medalist is under fire from an animal rights group CCF [Cheetah Conservation Fund], headquartered in the Southern African state of Namibia, the country with the largest and healthiest population of Cheetahs in the world.
Bolt was subsequently served with a written notice through the CCF lawyers to give back “baby lightning bolt”, the 3 month old cub back to the Kenyan conservation team or else, face due legal recourse for 'blatant adoption of an indigenous and endangered species' after which the conservation body would slap the Kenyan conservation team with a civil suit for custody of “baby bolt” because as they said,
“it was obvious their Kenyan counterparts had clearly failed in their duty to protect the weak and endangered in society”.
Usain Bolt's legal team decided to ignore the threats but this only made the conservationists angry and they sent another strongly worded letter threatening to sue against a more serious charge of 'Cheetah trafficking' which in Namibian courts holds a maximum sentence of wiping after Cheetah pooh at a zoo for at least twenty years, with no possibility of parole.
“ we want this 'Husain' case to be a case study to any non-African who thinks they can just walk into Africa for a holiday, or charity, childbirth, or photo-op or something then just walk away with an African baby Cheetah after splashing some big money around” said Dr. Mpho-Waji Babatunde, vice-chairperson of the not-for-profit fund during a press conference in Otjiwarongo, a city in the Ortzojozndupa region of Namibia.
Eventually, Bolts legal team relented and agreed to an out of court settlement promising to donate double the amount they used to buy “lightning bolt” which was US$ 13,700 to the conservancy. They also promised to give triple the amount pledged for the cubs upkeep, originally US$ 3,000 for general conservation work at the Okavango Basin.
But before any champagne glasses could be set to celebrate their scoop, the Cat lovers were informed that the deal was off. Our correspondent in Malawi informed us the lawyers who represented Madonna in the baby Banda case had contacted Bolt's legal team.
It was further revealed by our Nairobi correspondent that “lightning bolt”, the fastest animal in the world, though [legally or illegally] adopted by the fastest man in the world wasn't leaving the Nairobi animal Orphanage after all, for the white sandy beaches of the Caribbean.
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
It was widely considered a gimmick since BNP is a whites only party and Deya is as dark as the inside of a chimney.
Fascist-in-Chief Nick Griffin, BNP's leader, purportedly described Dr. Deya as a “ brave minister” who wholly and unreservedly deserved the title 'Doctor' for giving many white childless women the precious gift of cute babies which they obviously couldn't through ordinary means.
He denied any claims the bravery was simply “routine”
and conveniently forgot to mention all the good cheer 'the Dr.' had brought to black British homes, Kenyan British homes, illegal Kenyan's British homes, visiting Kenyan's British homes, Kenyan student's in Britain, British homes, British homes of people of Caribbean decent..
and Kenyan homes-in Kenya.
The reaction back home was mixed as many people went through their day to day hustling while others were surprised to note he had progressed professionally, moved up the corporate ladder, broke the glass ceiling and bought himself a self branded chopper.
“ shiett, that brathas doing good by being good ma brotha” remarked one 'Bohemian' Nairobian.
It's just amazing how Kenyans keep pulling these personal stories of adversity, all odds stacked up six storey's high, only for them to overcome and come out smelling like goddamn carnation flowers, for the rest of the world to watch and admire.
“ If a [former] stone mason can buy one, I can buy one too. When is he landing it in town” said some unidentified [as of time of reporting] jobless college graduate, clearly inspired.
Deya fans were furious he didn't make the headlines this time. “ we simply don't care” said a thirtysomething gentleman only identified as Obare [O'Bare]
“ we need new recruits and their money too. The credit crunch is not yet over, we need to make mission.” he added.
The political class were indifferent as there was no immediate gain financially or otherwise, foreseeable, inherent or here and now. But one cabinet minister did admit he was a bit jealous.
“ at least he will be tried at home!!”
PS: The British Home Secretary Alan Johnson said the Archbishop will be 'de-planing' on Kenyan soil -diplomatic speak for deportation- on Thanksgiving, refusing to give a concrete date.
A dramatic shift from the original statement, this was meant to protect any childless and/or one child couples all over the world from hoping beyond hope.
“ don't be fooled, no bouncing baby boys for Christmas, and Timmy, no pinky-chubby cheeked baby sister from Santa” from the horse's mouth.
But the Storks will be working overtime this Thanksgiving. Happy thanksgiving to ya'll.
This info was unavailable to no one but News Ync until now. And...the Storks thing is ours.
Monday, 9 November 2009
Daily Nation Nov. 8th 2009
The embattled Archbishop Gilbert Deya of the Gilbert Deya Ministries is to be brought back to Kenya to face justice, for performing miracles in which babies were conceived of apparently women who could not conceive for biological and/or medical reasons.
“The [perceived] fact, that a human foetus can be conceived without the act of copulation taking place is in itself an inconceivable heresy” said Doctor Albany, a fertility specialist at Queens Medical Center.
“Unless of course, the Holy ghost had a hand in it” he added
According to a local unnamed Liverpudlian GDM churchgoer source, where the ministry owns a Gothic style church building and many others in Manchester, Sheffied and, [FYI] a building permit for yet,another one in Leeds, the Archbishop is said to be in good spirits and none of the conflagration has in any way affected his Sunday summons. Although he admitted it's been long since any 'babies' were 'made'.
“ I believe he's taking a break to replenish his 'creative juices' for yet another round of infant implantation in those barren wombs from North London; poor lasses!!” he added
“ Do you believe in miracles mister reporter?”
Archbishop Deya who has in the recent past been the arch-enemy of the State [of Kenya] but a darling to the childless couples all over , is believed to have a Case No. CO/11637/2007 to answer, of Deya vs Government of Kenya but he believes he is innocent and threatened to take his fight to the Hag...sorry the European Courts of Human Rights in Strasbourg, France.
with too many Africans wanted in as many courts in the west, it can be quite confusing who's wanted where, and when; even for CNN....
Friday, 6 November 2009
...as the commission settled to work, delegates were confounded again with the unpleasant, arduous task of determining, still, what ails and eventually kills Kenyans. Since malaria, HIV and the highway were out, the list of possible ailments was narrowing down thus making it more difficult for anyone to come up with a smart, convincing, serious killer until alas! Some gentleman mentioned the common cold.
This was met with a around of applause from every segment of the delegation regardless of political, social, socio-economic, religious or geographical affiliations.
“How could we miss something so right under our noses?”
But many of the independent analysts from the EU and USAID found this hard to believe and speculated the delegates were bored and wanted to get this over with and just go home early.
“c'mon people, you can't pin it on the flu. We got pills, jabs and the good old hot lemon to take care of that” said Swedish special envoy madam Ulvaeus Bergdahl whose altercation quickly shot it down before it could see the day of light.
It was back to the drawing board for the now visibly mentally drained delegates to rack their brains harder. Several possibilities were floated such as swine flu which didn't gather steam as it was a relatively new kid on the block. SARS[ Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome]
Another flu like ailment affecting breathing was rejected for being so last century to have had any impact and eventually some delegates vetoed against the mention of any flu partly because they were too mild for any real carnage or, if they were severe, too short lived to do any real damage.
The gym almost came close to a major breakthrough when El-Nino came up the radar. Noting that at the Coast it had swept peoples houses, roads, bridges, burst banks and drifted Crocs from the Tana to people's houses, and then sweeping even more houses, more roads and bridges.
But some learned friends noted the words roads, houses and bridges popped up numerous times than people thus concluded, “maybe it wasn't that bad- and by the way it just started raining cats and dogs last week.”
This led some Coast delegates to take offence at the blatant disrespect accorded the affected semi- permanent structures, buildings, houses..eh..whatever, by the heavy downpours. Within minutes, Eastern delegates joined in, followed by their North Eastern counterparts who had lost lots of Borana cattle in the ongoing prayed for, hoped for but unexpected heavier than usual rains.
It wasn't long before the usual suspects with more hot air in their cheeks than good ideas in their heads, started shouting and ululating- war cries were heard too.Tempers flared, fans were brought in to cool the tempers but it seems they just did the opposite-fan it.
And finally when the fan hit the shit, history repeated itself. Again, the usual suspects, known to posses more brawn[power] than brain [power] started heaving and hurling plastic chairs.
Well, 'plastic chairs' is used here as a euphemism, for the mahogany and wrought iron chairs that were actually heaved and hurled- for the chicken hearted.
"watch out for that bamboo chair..Jesus!!”
The meeting to find out what 'kills Kenyans' was adjourned till another day.
Meanwhile, Mr. Joseph Kaguthi, former head of NACADA [National Agency for the Campaign Against Drug Abuse] now retired, and who was present during the melle but fortunately came out with a broken finger, said drugs had something to do with it.
Whether he supposed those shouting and throwing things were high or he was contributing to the original debate, News Ync. can only speculate.
Sunday, 1 November 2009
It's reported Kenyans are not living any longer but dying younger, according to a report released by KIPPRA [Kenya Institute for Public Policy Research and Analysis]. It's assumed this has nothing to do with the fact that there is HIV in the country and spreading fast among the twenty somethings, neither the drought nor insecurity, got anything to do with it.
“People are just dying for no apparent reason. I think it's got something to with science-That Which Has A life, Has To Die; eventually” said Dr. Okal, chairman of a medical association in the country..
Despite the completion of the China Rd. which stretches from Maji ya Chumvi geographical coordinates: 3° 48' 0" South, 39° 23' 0" East of Kenya [with permission Google maps] to Athi River, a well paved stretch of tarmac which connects the two largest cities in the country, people are still dying. The A109 was designed to save time and lives by ensuring a smooth surface where the rubber meets the road, mad motorists are in their element, zebras can cross safely and everybody is happy. But instead, it has turned into a killer highway. But again, the panel concluded roads don't kill people and we know your vehicle is lethal ie can kill but we're yet to arraign one in a court of law.So 'super -highway' was safe, spared, off the hook.
As the debate over what kills the people raged and gathered momentum like a rolling stone, something monumental happening. Through a meticulous , statistically quantifiable process of elimination to finally pin down the main culprit of the 'Kenyan killer', the panel settled on a handful of suspects.
Maybe it's Malaria, it's the number one killer of kids in Africa. It kills more people than Aids. It is the forgotten menace. Rearing it's ugly head whenever we are not looking or are busy distributing free condoms because [mosquito] nets are too cumbersome to move around and not cool enough for Collo to carry. “you just can't slide one into your back pocket and I heard the insecticide treated ones cause cancer.”
Ladies and gentlemen, who is going to save the children-our future, our pride, our progeny!!
A minute or two of hushed silence fell upon the gymnasium where the delegates congregated followed by an almost agreed upon moment of murmurings and mutterings of ah! uh!'s and zzz! zzzzz's giving the impression [to an outsider] of an important discussion in progress amongst themselves .
After order finally reigned, by itself, devoid of shouting matches, a section of the civilized, dignified, cultured men and women begged to politely disagree on the definition and classification of a kid as a Kenyan people, yet.
“ mister honorable fellow delegate, as a fellow learned friend I beg to use your own words against you. Is malaria the number one killer of people in Africa, or kids in Africa?”
Arguing most kids are below the voting and drinking age of eighteen. Some delegates were not exactly sure whether kids were little humans or little goats, expressing their amusement with the ambiguity by laughing sheepishly
A commission with a mandate to define the word or term 'kid' was set up immediately. The malaria matter was stashed aside pending a conclusive report by the commission who's chairman promised to leave no stone unturned......