Friday, 26 March 2010

Social Scientist Draws Parallels Between Makmende And Samsom

 As Makmende Continues to fascinate the imagination of many in the country, researchers at the University of Nairobi[UoN]  have drawn parallels between the Urban legend and the Biblical Samson.

One overzealous scientists has  gone thus far to theorize Makmende comes from the same bloodline as the Old testament divine Super-hero who once killed 1000 Philistines[ modern day Palestinians] with a donkey's jawbone which makes Makmende  very likely a Kenyan of  Jewish extraction.

"Look at it this way. They are both badasses never mind he is black. So are Ethiopian Jews."

"How else do you explain the long Afro and extraordinary Kung-fu. I dare him to cut it " said Dr. Mark Ochi lead researcher on Makmende at the Department of Social Sciences.

But Lineaologists at Campus dismissed  Ochi's claims as pure imagination.

 "Ochi is a talented Doctor with the gift of a powerful imagination. But he is the same guy who also hypothesized Esther Arunga must be devil possessed-to leave a good job and move to a church. As we know she is happily married now and possibly rich . If anything my personal opinion is she was possessed by the H-Ghost" said  Philip a  third year Theology student with a minor in Psychology at Kenya Methodist University[KeMU] and an aspiring Reverend.

"Jehova Jireh" he concluded.

 "And unlike Samson, Makmende hacheki na wasichana. Ana sura ya kazi.[Makmende does not laugh with girls and has a working face]" said Phillip the Theology Senior.

 ©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Thursday, 25 March 2010

Makmende-Unravelling The Urban Myth Episode 1

Who is Makmende? So they ask and we are not here to explain either so if you want to know who he really is go look  some place else or relocate.. from China.

As soon as he hit the news and the Kenyan blogosphere was all over this  'Mc-Ossum' superheroes superhero, Newsync reporters instinctively sprang into action to find out more and it turns out we discovered more than we bargained for and in the next couple of posts we will let you in about our exclusive investigative scoops.

 MakCucaracha as they call him in Spain is  a global hit. In  the DC area, he's simply MakRoach. The Republicans call him 'MakCrotch'  which is still a compliment to the Lothario Super-super hero.

It is revealed Makmende  owns a fake diploma website apart from his official one. Diploma Xpress with an estimated market value of USD 1620.6 is a perfectly legal venture specialising in producing authentic looking certificates from any institution of higher learning in the world except a few countries like Somalia, Iraq, Afghanistan and the North and South poles-for obvious reasons.

In a recent interview Jo-el [no relation], Co-founder/owner of the 400+ member strong anti-Makmende Facebook group at the time of reporting, said "Makmende should be ashamed of himself" for dealing in such un-honourable business activities.

"This only goes to confirm what we thought all along. This guy is actually a fake-just like the certificates he produces"  added Jo-el.

Dmitri"Yevgeny Kaspersky" the other Co-founder/owner of the same group, and a Kenyan of Russian heritage, said we should all be careful as this "Makend* guy" as he put it is actually a bug, a computer virus out to infectmost computers.

"Those without Kaspersky anti virus of course" he added, tongue firmly in cheek.

Another 3 member strong anti-Makmende group owner who refused to identify himself for fear of embarrassing himself in public said Dimitri stole the 'bug idea' from his group's badge.

"As you can see from my page, my download is the photo of a motherboard and a real live bug atop" that's what they stole from me.

The Anti Anti-Makmende group members who simple language pro-Makmende at the
moment described those anti-Mak group members as  losers who should get a life-and a Superhero. One even mockingly suggested a merger of the different Anti-mak groups popping up by the minute with members ranging from 1 to 3.

Meanwhile in other news, Makmende is credited with the surefire passage of  President Obama's Healthcare reform bill which became was a done deal today.

"Am not sure how he did it but this 'Makmender' guy sure knows how to fix the republicans.He is my homeboy-a brotha from another fatherland" said Obama stumbling on his teleprompter.

It is later revealed Obama dropped Superman as his chief Middle East adviser for a yet to be identified Super-Superhero.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

God Rejects Billionairre's Joint Bid To Buy Earth

God almighty, sole owner and creator of  heaven and earth has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani,Lakshmi Mittal and others to buy the planet.

With  a stroke of His Mighty first finger the  Almighty scribbled the  the word "NO" in Hebrew-the preferred lingua franca- on His iPad and handed it over to the Seraphim to present to the three Principals while He oversaw other important stuff.

" I don't understand why God does not want to sell the earth while it is clear in the Holy book he uses it as his footstool" said Buffet.

"It just does not make good business sense" added the investor.

Carlos Slim who wanted the Father  to explain his decision was swiftly rebuked by the heavenly delegation.

"Thy Lord does not have to explain anything to anyone especially thee heathen mortals" said one hawkish Seraph.

As they were being ushered to their ski lift up the Aspen heights, Apinitae a Cherub politely explained the Lord is usually busy passing over the skies during this time of year, you know supervising the seas, season transitions, middle east peace.

"It's Passover  time" added Apinitae. 

       "don't be naive, money can buy anything as long as the price is right" said Carlos

Back at home, Atheist sources speculated Slim had parted with a few   billion Pesos in mobile handsets and equipment, air time[talk minutes] and HDTV sets to avoid being beaten up by the Seraphs. In a tv interview Gates said he could not recall such incident while Slim defended himself by saying the   last time he checked  with  his money men he was still no. 1.

In a separate interview, Buffet chose not to comment on the issue only saying "Justice[U.S Department of Justice] fined my friend Gates a billion dollars way back. But half of it was in free windows software to schools".

"It's obvious Helu is doing fine, that's what i call good ROI[Return On Investment]" added Buffet.

Economists describe land as a natural resource which cannot be created but easily destroyed. Demand for it has been rising with the rising human population thus making  it an attractive investment option compared to say, stocks.

The worlds 20percent rich  own 80percent of it anyway.

Scholars speculated God refused to sell out because it was feared  America Movil, Slims company had plans to sell air time -that is the air we breath-  charged per minute; per second billing.

Business strategy advisors at the company denied the claims as impractical but admitted it was  in consideration only as a very last resort.

Doomsday theorists believed Gates being 'The One' was a major factor in the Almighty's final decision.

This is not the first time the Almighty, All knowing, Richest of them all has declined selling out. Sergey[Brin] and  Larry[Page] of Google unilaterally bid for the earth through their Google  Earth project in Aug. 2007 but God refused-again, no explanation given.

"They told us the earth was not for sale" said Brin.

However, they had to settle to taking photographs of the earth from space and at street level which is still the case to date-which was granted free of charge.

Sensing heaven would not let up, the billionaire's brilliant legal team perused the Bible for scriptural loopholes to exploit.

"It says here in Matthew chapter 4 verses 8 to 9 Satan took him to the peak  of a very high mountain and showed him the nations of the world and all their glory. 'I'll give it all to you' he said 'if only you kneel down and worship me" said lead counsel Jotham Squint.

"Satan was foolish for fighting  God's Government-you can't fight City Hall-but the 'Prince of this world' knows better now than to offer something which, so to speak, was not given to him" said Squint.

So the decision  was made to negotiate with Lucifer and a grinning Gates was unanimously votedf chief negotiator.

"The earth might be God's but the world is Lucifer's" so they argued.

Lead  critics Friends Of The Earth International and supporters of the billionaire's clashed on many issues but on this proposed new deal they agreed on one thing which was reiterated from unexpected quarters.

"Whatever they do i hope they will be careful when dealing with the Devil" said Bernard Maddof, in pink pants, forlorn and appearing apologetic as he moved back to his bunker clutching a back edition of Fortune magazine.

 Bill Gates was on the defence, again, fighting  emerging reports claiming Satan had already sold him the world in a secret deal in 1995.

Meanwhile, Buffet still couldn't get it. "Earthquakes, pestilence, global warming, pollution, desertification. God's decision making process and criteria sure is mysterious" said Buffet believing he could do a getter job of turning the earth around-to profitability.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Saturday, 13 March 2010

KCA to change name, Mombasa Poly to follow suit

Barely two years after it's upgrading and consequent name change to reflect it's new found status,sources close to the Kenya College of Accountancy University revealed the  board  was considering a name  change before the next  graduation ceremony.

It is believed this  follows pressure from the  public, students, Alumni, some lecturers and civil society groups who concluded it was rather ridiculous  that  a College which is now a  University College should be called a 'College of something' University.

"Enough is enough" said a communications lecturer who spoke on condition of anonymity. "We need  name change now or else we are going to come up with an unofficial one before December" added anonymous communications lecturer.

During an interview with Newsync, indeed management argued plans had been underway to come up with a new  name and some of the suggestions include KAU[Kenya Accountacy University] which was deemed visionary since "we won't need  to change that one the day we become a full fledged stand alone University".

But hardliners insisted KCA was okay

"As long as  we keep ignoring what the 'C' stands for just like we've been doing most of last year, well, i don't see anything wrong with that" said Dr. Jakoko Opal   future dean of the soon to be introduced school of political science.

But experts and Alumni warned it will be a PR disaster to take the Kenyan public for fools.

" Sooner or later the public will find out, probably on the internet or...maybe Jicho Pevu what that 'C'  really stands for and things could get ugly". said KCA Alumni Chairperson Wycliffe 'John' 

"You can fool people sometimes but you can't fool all the people all the time" he added.

These sentiment were echoed by Perfunas Mtendo Director/partner of GetItRight   a  motivational speaking company  cum Name Change Consultancy[NCC]

"To begin with, KCA sounds like a future nameplate for a vehicle. Same thing we told Vok[Voice of kenya] a long time ago when they were considering   name  change to KBC [Kenya Broadcasting Corporation]. They laughed at us; they thought we were funny. Now guess who is laughing" said Perfunas.

"Think about it, if VoA[ Voice of America] was as simple as ABC who would take them half as  seriously" he added.

On KAU, Perfunas said it not only was an existing plate number but  also sounded like the name of a defunct political party.

In similar news, Kenya  Polytechnic University College governing body passed a resolution Friday lunchtime, to change it's name back to Mombasa Polytechnic. Members said they could not give details till the news reaches the District education officer but our Poly sources speculated it had something to do with 'accomodation'.

"You know, with Coast province we have many problems.Our kids not making it to University,  this year Abu Hureira[High School]. I mean it also hurts to see a beautiful, well behaved, pure in heart girl cry on tv" said our source.

Townspeople and students admitted the long confusing name printed on the side of the Poly Bus had something to do with it.

"People in town always ask is this a college bus or university bus? we try to explain but end up confusing them  further eventually we tell them to concentrate on the first two words of the long sentence" said Jaffar Ali a Bachelor of technology senior.

Some governing members  however preffered the original name of the institution.

" Oh! how i miss the glory days of MIOME" said  Said Mwapembe board member and  Alumni referring to Mombasa Institute of Muslim Education.

Meanwhile in other news, Khamis Boys[KB] students, a boys only high school just across the Poly  sent a letter to the DEO requesting a name change like Korija Boys [KB] or Killer Beez[KB.

But since the name sounded ok ie Islamic  Ms. Khadija Ali didn't see the  point but the students argued other students from upcountry pronounce the name as 'kamisi', swahili for a female undergarment which they thought was not cool.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Elton John Calls Jesus Gay, Muslims Enraged

LONDON, United Kingdom-Elton John the Candle in the Wind Singer in an  interview with the Parade Magazine  called Jesus of Nazareth gay, a claim which angered many Practicing Christians around the world as such a  reference implied the Messiah  was a person who preached water and drank wine.

      "Hey, this dude is almost  twice the age of Jesus. Why don't he pick on someone his own age" Eric  Cartman

The Catholic League President Bill Donohue  commented it would be pointless to ask for an apology but Muslims around the world thought different.

"We will have to make a goat sacrifice of that cow" said  Sheikh Munlal Birehi of the Jamia Mosque Nairobi after Friday prayers.

"Issa bin Maryam(s.a.w)[Jesus son of Mary(peace be upon him)] may not be our number one Prophet but he comes a strong second and he still is our prophet" added Birehi  as he answered those he called "ignorant non-believers"  who speculated what this had nothing to do with Muslims.

"i wish one of his fans, preferably a cartoonist had gone ahead and printed something on  some widely circulating publication" said Buutay Dhaga-deele 25, a second generation Somali immigrant to reporters in Aalborg, Denmark.

"hopefully with the  hair coiffured to resemble a turban or such-like" he added.

But critics have condemned Buutay's remarks saying it had more to do with the pent up anger which to date remains unreleased after the Danish media somehow apologised about some cartoons some time back.

The Ulamaa[Islamic scholars] Society of Kenya was investigating the possibility of organising a [peaceful] march in protest  to the British High Commission in Nairobi  following the revelation in their weekly online and print bulletin The Friday Bulletin dated  5th march 2010.

"First it was Sir Salman Rushdie, now Sir Elton John. I think i see a trend here. How could the Queen, the head of the Anglican church bestow honour to such low-life scum" said Kaleem Jugsodaay a lawyer  for the society questioning the rationale behind knighting such people.

Meanwhile, Sheikh Birehi was preparing a proposal to declare a fatwa on the singer's head which is expected to reach he Chief Kadhi Sheikh Kassim before the end of the week.

Whilst it was mostly Muslims who came out in strong defence of Christ, most christian leaders defended their soft stance by claiming they always asked themselves and their congregations" what would jesus do?"

"Yeah right, and Elton John  is straight" said Pat Robertson in his harshest terms yet.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Monday, 1 March 2010

Chileans Worried They Won't Get As Much Attention As Haiti

SANTIAGO DE CHILE, Chile- Breaking fears from the Chilean government revealed the Earthquake Preparedness and Disaster Management Authority was fearful the City would not attract as much media attention and by extension plane loads of aid and goodwill sms's from the people of the world as Haiti.

Though the quake that hit Santiago was a hundred times stronger than the “Voodoo quake”, officials were concerned this event of major magnitude in the country's recent history would go unnoticed similar to the '10 seconds of fame quake' on the 26th of February 2010 in Okinawa, Japan which the U.S Geological Survey put at 7.3 on the Richter scale, the Japan Meteorological Agency at 6.9 and which Newsync gave the scientifically indisputable average of 7.1.

Reporters defended the news black out.

“For starters neither a single soul was lost, nor a single injury reported in that one. No fires, no looting and the Nishihara refinery continued supplying it's 100,000 barrels per day-business as usual. That's not my idea of groundbreaking news” said Jairuchi Teremoto an iReporter from the Okinawa prefecture

“It didn't help much Chile managed to gather a bigger tremblor barely 24hrs later” he added.

 " in the news  they said the quake might have moved the earth a bit form it's axis thus affecting the lenghth of day. I hate it when that happens" said a Hawaiian beach goer

Though Chilean authorities were pleased the quake did not claim as many islanders as it's next door neighbour in the Carribean some hawks within thought it ought to.

“ I think we are quickly becoming victims of our own success at managing these natural crises with each quake claiming lesser and lesser lives. This eventually means less financial support, media coverage and goodwill messages which are key ingredients for a quick [economic] recovery and reconstruction” said a crisis management official whom we will call a Pro-quaker.

“I think the local authorities should seriously reconsider their building and construction guidelines; 'relax the bureaucracy' a bit especially with regards to residential areas and our emerging skyline just to see how far things can go. Dreadful will be the day when a 9.0 hits us and it's like the roar of a passing train in a concrete jungle- routine” he said.

“I wouldn't like us to end up like Japan”added the Pro-quaker

Meanwhile, President Obama promised his Chilean counterpart Michelle Bachelet of his administration's full support and commitment in reconstruction and relief efforts at the same time personally conveying the American people's goodwill messages during this time, their time of need [and attention].

But he also warned the Islanders against pushing their luck when they asked about the possibility of a 'We Are The World 25 For Chile'.

“At least Kenya has taken note, a country 12,000 kms[8,000miles] away. That has a special meaning to me and you should be thankful” said Obama in reference to the mapping work of the crisis group Ushahidi

Here's The Ushahidi Story [without permission: ]

"All we needed was a computer and a fast internet connection," said Erik Hersman, one of the team of volunteers based in Nairobi.

Ushahidi is an online mapping tool that can be used to collect and plot reports coming in from citizens via e-mail, SMS or even Twitter.

Messages plotted on Ushahidi's map of Chile already include: "Send help. I'm stuck under a building with my child. We have no supplies".

The intention is that emergency services can then use that information to target their efforts.

"We aggregate the citizen data and visualise it so that it can be used more easily," said Mr Hersman, who is just one of a team that spans Malawi, Uganda, Ghana, South Africa and the US.

“First strike Haiti we mostly watched, lost a citizen or maybe two. Second strike Okinawa, didn't even notice. Third strike, we had to do something. Am proud to be Kenyan” concluded Hersman.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member