Wednesday, 17 March 2010

God Rejects Billionairre's Joint Bid To Buy Earth

God almighty, sole owner and creator of  heaven and earth has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani,Lakshmi Mittal and others to buy the planet.

With  a stroke of His Mighty first finger the  Almighty scribbled the  the word "NO" in Hebrew-the preferred lingua franca- on His iPad and handed it over to the Seraphim to present to the three Principals while He oversaw other important stuff.

" I don't understand why God does not want to sell the earth while it is clear in the Holy book he uses it as his footstool" said Buffet.

"It just does not make good business sense" added the investor.

Carlos Slim who wanted the Father  to explain his decision was swiftly rebuked by the heavenly delegation.

"Thy Lord does not have to explain anything to anyone especially thee heathen mortals" said one hawkish Seraph.

As they were being ushered to their ski lift up the Aspen heights, Apinitae a Cherub politely explained the Lord is usually busy passing over the skies during this time of year, you know supervising the seas, season transitions, middle east peace.

"It's Passover  time" added Apinitae. 

       "don't be naive, money can buy anything as long as the price is right" said Carlos

Back at home, Atheist sources speculated Slim had parted with a few   billion Pesos in mobile handsets and equipment, air time[talk minutes] and HDTV sets to avoid being beaten up by the Seraphs. In a tv interview Gates said he could not recall such incident while Slim defended himself by saying the   last time he checked  with  his money men he was still no. 1.

In a separate interview, Buffet chose not to comment on the issue only saying "Justice[U.S Department of Justice] fined my friend Gates a billion dollars way back. But half of it was in free windows software to schools".

"It's obvious Helu is doing fine, that's what i call good ROI[Return On Investment]" added Buffet.

Economists describe land as a natural resource which cannot be created but easily destroyed. Demand for it has been rising with the rising human population thus making  it an attractive investment option compared to say, stocks.

The worlds 20percent rich  own 80percent of it anyway.

Scholars speculated God refused to sell out because it was feared  America Movil, Slims company had plans to sell air time -that is the air we breath-  charged per minute; per second billing.

Business strategy advisors at the company denied the claims as impractical but admitted it was  in consideration only as a very last resort.

Doomsday theorists believed Gates being 'The One' was a major factor in the Almighty's final decision.

This is not the first time the Almighty, All knowing, Richest of them all has declined selling out. Sergey[Brin] and  Larry[Page] of Google unilaterally bid for the earth through their Google  Earth project in Aug. 2007 but God refused-again, no explanation given.

"They told us the earth was not for sale" said Brin.

However, they had to settle to taking photographs of the earth from space and at street level which is still the case to date-which was granted free of charge.

Sensing heaven would not let up, the billionaire's brilliant legal team perused the Bible for scriptural loopholes to exploit.

"It says here in Matthew chapter 4 verses 8 to 9 Satan took him to the peak  of a very high mountain and showed him the nations of the world and all their glory. 'I'll give it all to you' he said 'if only you kneel down and worship me" said lead counsel Jotham Squint.

"Satan was foolish for fighting  God's Government-you can't fight City Hall-but the 'Prince of this world' knows better now than to offer something which, so to speak, was not given to him" said Squint.

So the decision  was made to negotiate with Lucifer and a grinning Gates was unanimously votedf chief negotiator.

"The earth might be God's but the world is Lucifer's" so they argued.

Lead  critics Friends Of The Earth International and supporters of the billionaire's clashed on many issues but on this proposed new deal they agreed on one thing which was reiterated from unexpected quarters.

"Whatever they do i hope they will be careful when dealing with the Devil" said Bernard Maddof, in pink pants, forlorn and appearing apologetic as he moved back to his bunker clutching a back edition of Fortune magazine.

 Bill Gates was on the defence, again, fighting  emerging reports claiming Satan had already sold him the world in a secret deal in 1995.

Meanwhile, Buffet still couldn't get it. "Earthquakes, pestilence, global warming, pollution, desertification. God's decision making process and criteria sure is mysterious" said Buffet believing he could do a getter job of turning the earth around-to profitability.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member



  1. god, Buffallo NY17 March 2010 at 02:59

    YOU SILLY MORTAL TWITS! I am giving the Earth to Arminius, because he is the most deserving man in the world!!!

  2. I am quite certain the planet is not for sale… I had a word with Ma Nature and she said she has prior commitments.