IQRA

In a chat room on the internet the following conversation took place

Excerpts

Me: hmm….wonder what a bank account and toothpaste have in common. Hint: Robert Ackerstrom

Phil Broderick: easy to take out but hard to put back.

Me: it’s refreshing to have a nigga who actually reads or listens to books. Congrats brotha

Phil: am not a nigga

Me: oh!  I wish you were. so my comments would come  to pass just like Dr. Kings “I Have A Dream”. We have a black president who’s ‘not that black’ just like the first black secretary of state

Phil: but am happy you are so I guess your prophecy is self fulfilling, literally.

Me:  sorry to bust your bubble dude. Am no nigga either, am African

Phil: can it be fixed

Me: no can do and am not waiting forty years

Phil: good luck.  You’ll need it

Me: yuck fou bro

“reading makes a  full man; conference makes a ready man; and writing an exact man” – Francis Bacon



Eneza

Oppan Gangrape Style

A charitable Delhi Hippie Band is suing Psy  for stealing  their idea for his  YouTube   hit Gangnam style. Speaking  to  reporters in the  aisle  of a commuter train the  group claims the original idea for the song  was sampled   from a single   titled ‘Gangrape Style’ off their yet to be released album  Jugaad .

with the floodgates of litigation open, the Indian government  is suing for breach of this Kamasutra patent

The Album is a parody of their sub continental society and their callousness on many matters including women, the caste system, curry and bathing on the river Ganges.  

According to our reliable sources the group also plans to sue the Korean Pop star for emotional distress and loss of revenue.

Asked why they didn’t release the single earlier the Band blamed government red tape for the delay.

“We had  to be approved by  the Indian film and censorship  board first  and that   meant deleting and/ or modifying some content which they found offensive which   meant we had to go back to the studio”  said Vimal  Ramamurthy.

“In short Psy beat us to it, he got there first and on YouTube it’s all about who gets there first. It seems  like we turned up on Friday for a cricket match that was played on Sunday  afternoon [previous week ]but that doesn’t mean  we don’t own the game” added  Vimal.

Fans agreed but critics asked why now, what were they waiting for all that time.  Their lawyers admit luck was not on their side either.

“ We  were   working on presenting  a  solid case gathering  electronic evidence  and reliable witnesses and that takes a little bit of time then came this….you know, that   bus thing”  their  lead  counsel  said referring  to the gang rape of a twenty  something  college girl in a bus, who later died in hospital while undergoing treatment.

According to their lawyers the  Delhi Band was  reluctant to go ahead with  litigation in the first place  preferring the  release of  the “Gangrape Style”  on YouTube to  go head to head  with the  intellectual property thief ‘Psycho’s’ so lame “Gangnam Style”

“We  figured maybe  if we just download it [on the internet] netizens will see through it and hopefully we will be able to rest  the case on who is the real McCoy and who is the  Joseph  Kony”  said  a confident Vimal  apparently   the defacto spokesperson of the Band.

“But Bam!!   Another 29 year old woman is raped, it’s on the networks and we decide screw   it!! We’re suing.” Added  Vimal.

Pundits and government officials agreed in unison it was a wise decision for two main reasons. Number one, they were screwed   anyways and like most things charity they needed the money badly.

Number two, posting such a potentially viral video like “Gangrape Style” by an Indian group, after back to back horrific headline hogging (f)actual gang rapes had the potential of doing more harm than good.

“ First, there is a chance of Pakistan promoting  it in a bad way, then it goes viral and that  would be a moral nuclear holocaust to our social standing  no matter  how noble the original intention. It would make India look bad. Second, it would be considered insensitive to the families and friends of those affected.  ” said India’s home minister  Sushilkumar Shinde in a statement some noted was sort of misplaced in priority, and paranoid.

As of time of press, the Delhi Band Lawyers were discussing an out of court settlement    following a proposal by the Band dubbed ‘One Pepper Spray  A Lady [OPSAL]”  but Psy lawyers warned on the logistical nightmare of providing more than half a billion pepper sprays in a country 758 times the size of Kenya…and their effectiveness as most new cases were evolving to gang rape style.

 Eneza

Obesity Killing Three Times More Than Malnutrition

Obesity has overtaken malnutrition as a leading child killer according to a new report. This has come as a surprise to most as all pointers showed the world running out of food since the world population hit the 7billion mark this year.

overnourished  is the new malnourished

“This is mockery”   said a representative    from End Hunger Now, a not-for-profit committed to ending hunger on the planet. “How could they do this to us” he re-iterated in reference to no one in particular.

Leaders  from the Horn of Africa condemned this report  explaining it will undo many  years of progress  made raising awareness on the ravages of hunger but pundits  feared  they  were more concerned  about  the potential  fallout as donors  might pull out based  on the misleading Lancet report.

As  policy makers  and dieticians pondered  their next move with an aim to focus on the root cause of obesity, focus groups warned emphasis on kids had the unpleasant   outcome of ignoring   adult   overweight’s, even alienating  them.

“But it could get worse. Resources   might be diverted   from other child killers such as Malaria, choking and ammunition” said Sarah  Aidkin a dietician  with the National Health Service.   

Data  also indicated  child mortality was  generally  down compared to a decade ago, 

 Apple maps  was  getting better  and   stuffed Turkey tasted better  this year than last.

A proposal by Sub-Saharan governments to  initiate a sort of exchange program  as a solution to the fattie malaise  where affected junior citizens from opposite sides of the hemisphere  would switch lifestyles  and location  for a year or two in  an attempt to reverse the trend was politely declined by Western governments  but proposal for  an Africa  for USA concert  is  under consideration   with KFC pledging free chicken nuggets to anyone who walks or bicycles to  the venue.

 Eneza

PAPARAZZI CCTVS ON MANDELA HOSPITAL

Following  Nelson Mandela’s  most  recent hospitalization major  competing  news  agencies spying on  him  were forced to review strategy.

A Reuters  source who requested anonymity due to the culturally sensitive nature of the topic admitted  there  being a plan B for “M-Plan” from the start in  anticipation for “Day-X” ; M-Plan referring to  general reportage preparations   incase of Mandela’s/Madiba’s death on day x.

AP spy  photo of Mandela's retirement home in Qunu, Eastern Cape Province

“Oh yeah, we have CCTV cameras trained towards the hospital as usual, and powerful  SLR’s  just awaiting  activation when the time comes--“Day X” could  just be  21/12/12. Epic scoop” added our source.

Asked if she was aware she was breaking South African law   she added as long as she was not caught filming anything   before his death, which she was not doing at the time of going to press then she had a pretty water tight case.

“If you think our activities are law breaking, you should  check out what  those  guys at AP are doing” she  concluded   referring to bank breaking tactics employed  by the Associated  Press which included  hiring nurses and other  “fixers”  to   capture The  inevitability using all means necessary.

Media houses often co-operate with each other but no, not this time. This is considered to be a huge event in a country where Mandela is revered as a Pope, Monarch and Statesman all rolled in one. 

This has not only driven up the asking price of quality informants   but most demand up to 60pc down payments   before taking position.

  

This has hit major broadcasters hard as there are no guarantees the target will succumb to inevitabilities in places they thought he would succumb to inevitabilities, places like his retirement home but most swear no expense will be spared.

“Obviously our option at the moment is to plant as many moles [in advance] in as many top hospitals just in case he has to transfer from the hospital he’s in right now to another for one reason or another. Yes  we have paid top Rand down payment  and yes we intend  to continue doing so for  as  long we have to because we believe the people of the world have the right to real time information and amateur  footage”  said Eugene DuPlessis an editor with a  top  local tabloid.

Asked whether outrageous anti competitive tactics like booking all hotel blocks in and around a hundred feet radius or block booking helicopters and helipads in the area to prevent others getting the aerial shot was still an option all agreed in unison.

As at the time of going to press, unconfirmed reports in twitter indicated Mandela was being flown to the United States for specialised treatment.

 



 Eneza