Saturday, 27 February 2010

Tiger Woods Dropped By Gatorade, Threatens To Leave US

BARRINGTON, Ill-Tiger Woods threatened to leave the United States if Gatorade does not bend over backwards, swallow it's pride and reinstate his sponsorship. Sources close to the golfer confirmed Mr. Woods will temporarily leave the give his [former] sponsor time for reflection 'to reconsider it's decision' concerning their future involvement with him or else extend his stay-indefinitely.

“I have let my sponsors down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior pertaining to my sponsorship. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my other understanding, supportive sponsors Nike and EA Sports. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.” said Tiger in a prepared statement.

“But this does not give any of my sponsors the right to embarrass me in public. I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, not a professional man whore” he added.

PesiCo, parent company of Gatorade denied claims the move had anything to do with the married golfer's controversial Nov. 27 car crash or alleged affairs with ten confirmed women. In fact, it denied ever ending it's sponsorship with Mr. Woods to begin with.

“I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny are amazed to hear the gutter press say we dropped Tiger” said Mary Doherty Director of Communications at Gatorade as she shuffled some papers on top of others.

"We decided several months ago to discontinue Gatorade Tiger Focus, the drink, along with some other products to make room for our planned series of innovative products in 2010. We hope to share more about our 2010 plans soon," she further explained.

Nevertheless Tiger's spokesperson and close family members would have none of it and and reminded them they had heard a similar story before especially the “innovative products” part on that letter from Accenture.

This prompted Head of Marketing Hector Huerta to come out strongly, add some credibility to her counterpart's statement and set the record straight

“Whatever regrets we have about letting Tiger Focus, one of our most profitable brands go down, have been shared with and felt by us alone. We have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which we [as a company] must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.” said Huerta

“We will strive to reduce the percentage of electrolytes and for all your support over the years Tiger[the man] we offer our profound thanks.”he added.

Quizzed by reporters on the rationale of reducing electrolyte levels in their future energy drinks Huerta explained it was to make 'better husbands and fathers of their customers and...of course a future partner'.
“On the same note, i insist. With all due respect ladies and gentlemen we didn't drop Tiger passe, just the drink. At your age i believe you can tell the difference between the two and just for the records we don't burn bridges at Gatorade.” said Huerta
“You never know when you might need performance delivered. It's in Tiger-he has the power to drive sales up” he concluded.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Cleveland Cavaliers Win Most Miserable City Cup

Cuyahoga, OH-Snatching the honour from the defending champions Stockton Ports,the Cleveland Cavaliers emerged victorious in a narrow but convincing win of 98-101 to be crowned the 'baddest' city in the whole of the 50 states of the United States of America and probably the eight provinces of Canada too.

Clevelanders generally welcomed the victory especially given the field was unusually crowded and tough this year round evidenced by the conspicuous absence of traditionally high quality,tough contenders like the Chicago Bulls in the top five instead replaced by relative newcomers.

The Philadelphia 76ers, veteran Guard Detroit Pistons[my personal favourites] and Flint Fuze from Michigan state together with the top two made up the top five Les Miserables this season otherwise known as the 'Big Five' with a guest appearance by the Bazooka, the Port-Au-Prince basketball team.

As such were the results of the USBL [United States Basketball League] which came to a 'we saw it coming' win to some and a rude shock to others.

As the Cavaliers celebrated their Monday night victory, sport commentators congratulated them for their anticipated win but some wondered whether the weather or man made factors played to their advantage

A few said a combination of both; man made decisions and the seasons conspired to dethrone the Stockton Ports of a possible win.

“This year's spring season started rather early don't you think” said Flint Stones a sports anchor for WKJD TV Mich. referring to the holding of the minor[USBL]eague initially announced in January, to be held in April.

“But thanks to the changing of minds of the officials, just like the seasons, we had to settle for second best” Said Stones.

However LeBron James the Cavaliers forward fended accusations the snow and cold played a part in the success of “The Forest City”.

“First of all a black man and the cold don't get along and this was not street basketball-it was played indoors though i gotta say at times the heating was sporadic at worst, luke warm at best” he said.

Wyclef Jean puts on a brave face as he tries to explain where the alleged money donated by the Cavaliers went to

Due to the high competition several cups have been introduced both in the major and minor leagues to accommodate talent which would otherwise mothball as a result of a lack of incentives. The Saddest City cup won by the New York Nets a few months ago, the Sin City Cup won by the Las Vegas Stars and most recently the Come Back kid Cup win by the New Orleans Hornets.

Sane minded officials warned of a major backlash against the proliferation of league titles some of which had political slantings with particular reference to the PalmPrompter Cup and Teabagger Cup won by the Alaska Dream and the Anchorage Anchovies respectively.

“What kind of a dumb name is Anchovies for a basketball team. And are they licensed” said Tim Wolof an NBA official.

The Cleveland mayor frank G. Jackson also opposed league naming which underscored economic under achievement and general lawlessness.

“Our [former] 'Plum-City' has just won the title of the most miserable town. Do you know what that means, yes, you Joe the Plumber. It means our neighbourhoods stink, our manufacturing sucks and unemployment is off the roof. We don't Rock any more” he said and suggested the Caveliers should chase after “economically correct” less depressing titles like Most Livable City Cup , just like back in the days of “Rock n' Roll”.

Emerging accusations allege the Caveliers broke the law in moving back and forth, playing both major and minor league allegedly to increase their chances of winning as many Cups as they could.

If found guilty they could be stripped of their hard won Most Miserable City title.

Caveliers lawyers argue they were well within the law since they were competing within “the charity clause” in a new ruling passed jointly by NBA and USBL officials on 25th January 2010 which allows any team to play in any league or tournament as long as half the prize is donated for a charitable cause.

“Why do you think the Bazookas were here in the fist place- for show business” said the lead counsel.

Ports lawyers suspected the Caveliers' lawyers had exploited a loophole in the Hoop for Haiti bill since some money allegedly donated to Yele Haiti could not be accounted for.

Meanwhile the City's recent success in sports has earned it a new reputation as the “blessed sports City” which ESPN finally validated by withdrawing it's 2004 remarks which described Cleveland as the “most tortured sports city”.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Monday, 22 February 2010

They Still Call Us Blackwater

MOYOCK,North Carolina- Xe Services formerly Blackwater Worldwide has expressed disappointment at the majority of the people of the world still calling it Blackwater.

In response, Xe Services which describes itself as a “private military contractor” has launched a media campaign to educate nearly two thirds of the worlds 6billion plus people to get it right and get it right now or else...

“We spent a whole year and a couple of million dollars coming up with a short, artistic,easy to remember name but all we get is selective amnesia by a public which clearly shows no appreciation as to our efforts” said Anne Tyrell the Xe Services/BW spokesperson.

When asked what the name meant in comparison to the original name that stood for the Peat coloured waters of the founders homeland swamps Anne replied “nothing really” but on realising her PR gaffe quickly moved to explain the “abstract genius concept” behind the twelve month long re-naming and re-logo-ing.

“ I can't believe a year after official re-branding and two years since we came up with this brilliant idea most Americans still call us by our old name. The print media and Jeremy[Scahill] too. They include the old name in brackets or parentheses after nicely acknowledging the new, stripped down nomenclature” fumed Erik Prince, co-founder and former CEO now chairman of the Private entity as he filled up the cc box of his gmail ready to be fired as a reminder to Scahill, a reporter for the Nation and one of the firms fiercest critics and others.

Xe/BW Worldwide, the biggest and clearly the most controversial “personnel defence contractors” in the US described the name change as part of it's new strategy at divesting into “safer” business options like training, disaster relief and tough diplomacy.

This was followed by firing of top level executives and several trigger-happy, gun peddling drunken sailor employees who were immediately snatched by competition and the state department.

There was disagreement among Corporate name change experts on whether Xe/BW had the best training departments for non- military personnel out of the military but all agreed in unison its marketing department sucks.

“Whoever came up with the name Xe to begin with must have been from finance” said Joshua Keipleger a Corporate Name Change[CNC] consultant in reference to world's Favorite Currency Site, who among others, also oversaw the successful name changes of
JetBlue [from “New Air”] and Pdiddy.

Data obtained from a Pew research poll showed an embarrassingly handsome percentage of Americans polled had never heard of New Air or simply forgotten about the crash which led to the name change.

“Now that's what we call 'Brand Renaissance' in marketing jargon” said Joshua which means cover up in black and white.

He also disagreed with economic observers who observed Xe/BW will lose a lot of business from rivals as a result of the revocation of their Iraqi licence in September 2007- a major cash cow during and after the war.

“With their numerous subsidiaries and connections i won't be surprised to learn they have a stake in Haliburton, The Falcon Group, Sarah Palin and subsequently subcontracted by Triple canopy, Inc.a similar company the state dept. has chosen to deal with henceforth-in proxy” added Joshua.

The marketing blitzkrieg by Xe/BW which is planned to coincide with the first anniversary since re-naming will include XOXO camouflage face paintings on five year olds faces who enjoy watching “Soldiers-For-Hire” and doodling XeXe on walls of every Community College, High School and Kindergarten funded by Xe/BW CSR program dollars including tattooing the same on any visible parts of their bodies.

But why the focus on kids and young adults?

“You can't teach Babyboomers new tricks” said Anne.

At least we did the BW after every Xe.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Saturday, 20 February 2010

Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Texas IRS Plane Crash

AUSTIN, Texas- A Spokesman for the international terror Organisation al-Qaeda has moved swiftly to claim responsibility for the Texas Kamikaze bombing.

The Californian born Adan Gadahn acknowledged the relatively successful Cessna flight bomber with as much zest and gusto as he denied his Organisation's involvement with the failed Syringe bomber just over a few months ago.

“Our Organisation is an Organisation of winners and go getters. Our Jihadists do not blow hot air and pour plastic blood about big government on the streets but are ready to stand up against it and whenever the opportunity arises- bomb it!!” said Adan.

Critics argued the terror network chiefs were in a gold rush to earn cheap propaganda mileage probably to counter the blow following the recent arrest of their own in Pakistan but another spokesman Kadir Kalintan who spoke on behalf of the first spokesman Adan, clarified the number 2 was a Taliban commander, a member of a coalition partner.

“Critics should first get their facts right. Al-Qaeda is a stand alone Organisation not an Umbrella Organisation” he added. Though on retrospection, Kadir admitted maybe they should have let their partners the Pakistani Taliban lay claim to this one for “the credibility score”.

Experts did not rule out al-Qaedas involvement entirely. In fact most were convinced there was a darn good chance it had a hand at some stage in the operation no matter how partial or low key since the charred facade of the building which housed the targeted IRS employees bore all the hallmarks of a similar event in recent history.

“ This thing sure has Qaeda fingerprints all over ” said Dr. George Philquist a DHS[Department of Homeland Security] forensic expert at the site. “The perpetrator knew how to fly a plane low, was well educated and very very angry at some American institution. But still i have my doubts. The damage was extensive but with only two people confirmed dead, plus the bomber, the casualties simply do not match up” he added.

Adan explained that might have been as a result of a minor timing error. “ A few minutes delay at the dry cleaners after lunch might mean the difference between lives lost or lives not lost-yet” he said.

“ But hey, this is just breaking news. We still don't know what lies beneath the debris” he concluded.

  ©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Lil'Wayne Got Court , Saved By Bling Teeth

NEW YORK, New York- American rapper Lil'Wayne was saved from prison by the teeth figuratively and literally.Born Dwayne Michael Carter jnr., the spoken word artiste spoke to the media about the dramatic turn of events.

"Jus' a couple days ago, i was cussin' at this mothafuckin' naggin' pain. Where's my fuckin' .44 heheh damn!!" he said.

     Carter Got Court "and i weigh (my sh) it well on the libra scales"

 "No pain no gain, and you can see the proof.I feel big ya know what i mean like not not big in the sense of weight you know what i mean like gaining weight or nothin like that like colossal know what i mean like uhhh sigh i heard they were lookin for me, take me to jail,hey am here-free Lil'birdman like Floozie in the Jacuzzi" added Weezy.

Though he will only be out for a while until his cracked tooth got fixed Lil'Wayne seemed oblivious of this fact telling by his wide grin as he bounced down the stairs outside court flanked by his Cash Money/Young Money homeboys Lil Twist, Mack Maine and several others.

When prodded by a reporter on his next plan of avoiding a Court hearing come March the 2nd his reply was "We will cross that bridge when we come to it and no ruining surprises for my fans ah ah".

This is not the first time the young rapper has got himself in trouble with the law and it seems he is always on the lookout for trouble to get into whenever he is not recording a studio album or smoking pot.

Past incidences which stand out involved Mister Wayne breaking into a drug store and and sneaking into a children's Hospice as 'Grimaldi' in both incidences to 'borrow' some cough syrup.

They were supposedly intended to be mixed with Gatorade or 7up or Coke Zero and other stuff to make "Sizzurp"- syrup for grown ups.

The case was dismissed on compassionate grounds after his lead lawyer, in the closing argument presented the mostly black jury of his New Orleans hometown with some freestyle mix tapes.

"You can hear the proof, and with that your honour i rest my case"

Critics have doubted the authenticity of Young Weezy's claims for the postponement with Cassidy saying "for all we know he might have cracked his false teeth".

Others observed it is widely known the rapper has a history of being apprehended, red handed in possession of copious amounts of illegal drugs.

" lil'birdman sky high on Maryjane only? nope, i doubt it. Yo'll ain't know nothin' of his dope. That 'phonnie hommie' sonovagun been shooting himself on the foot since them days at Hollygrove" said 50 cent.

"Didn't wear a bullet proof, so I got shot on the foot and you can see the proof"

Now wheres the thug in that.Exccuze me, am the ex-con here who got shot a mothafuckin' nine times" added a now fuming, foaming and bulletproof wearing 50 Cent.

Asked for comment Lil'Wayne said fuck ya'll who hatin' for no reason.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Sunday, 14 February 2010

Scientists With No Love Life Unanimously Agree On Definition Of Love

PARIS, Arkansas-After many years of research,personal sacrifices and lobbying by anti- Valentine groups scientists from different parts of the United States have agreed on a common, less sentimental explanation to the age old question- What Is Love.

"We decided to settle on the biochemical explanations to make sense of all that mushy non-scientific trash" said Dr.Mike McLuddle,a team member who is seeing a marriage counselor.

"With these new epochal findings i can finally drill sense into Stacy" he added referring to his wife who-hopelessly-expected him to be his love coach that night and not in a lab coat.
                          Scientists from Paris, Tennessee agreed

"Part of the whole attraction process is strongly linked to physiological arousal as a whole" said Timothy Loving (his real name), assistant professor of human ecology at the University of Paris, Texas.

"Typically, that's going to start with things like increased heart rate, sweatiness and so on" he added.

"The weak knees, Ferrari heartbeat, sweatiness can be explained" said Loving pointing us to the team of experts.

"Here's how it works: The brain sends signals to the adrenal gland, which secretes hormones such as adrenaline, epinephrine and norepinephrine. They flow through the blood and cause the heart to beat faster and stronger" said Ying, a cardiac electrophysiologist and associate professor of medicine at Montchuris Hospital, New Paris, Pennsylvania

The response is somewhat similar to a fast heartbeat while running on a treadmill, although exercise has other benefits; but a link to weight loss, he said.

For people with serious heart problems, love could actually be dangerous, Ying said. That's because when the heart rate goes up, the heart uses more oxygen, which can be risky for an older person with blood vessel blockages or who has had a prior heart attack. But good medicines such as beta blockers help curb the adrenaline response, Ying said.

It is also likely that norepinephrine, a stress hormone that governs attention and responding actions, makes you feel weak in the knees, said Helena Fichtenstein, professor at Rutgers and author of the book "Why not Him? Why not Her? Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type."

Fichtenstein's research team did brain imaging of people who said they were "madly in love" and found activity in the area of the brain that produces the neurotransmitter dopamine. Dopamine and norepinephrine are closely related.

Other confusing chemicals which play a role in what we call Love are cortisol, a stress hormone and serotonin.

Critics said the scientist findings were not in good faith as they sounded jealous of happily marrieds, haters of lovey-dovey stuff and people who understand the meaning of fun.

Feminist groups sarcastically hailed the scientists for finally finding out "What Love Is" surprisingly something women knew existed since creation.

These views were not helped by the fact that some overzealous scientists left out the parts or the emailed research findings which said:-

"Love has health benefits for people who have aged beyond their reproductive years. Being in love makes people feel optimistic, energetic, focused and motivated, which were all positive for health and societal contribution in the early days of humans. So, it makes sense evolutionarily that people can still fall in love after their childbearing period."


"Romance also is good for you. Studies have shown that people who have frequent sex are generally healthier, with a longer life, fewer coronary events and lower blood pressure. A 1995 study in the journal Demography found that marriage adds seven years to a man's life and two years to a woman's."

Citizen Clinton, an Arkansas native supported the feminists view in his first Valentine comment upon leaving hospital after a successful heart procedure.

His spokesperson denied reports in gossip ezines alleging his heart problems were as a direct result of "lack of real Love" as far fetched crass.
©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Friday, 12 February 2010

All Publicity Is Good Publicity- saysToyota

TOYOTA CITY, Japan-After a well publicised round of recalls by the media , Toyota Motor Corporation トヨタ自動車株式会社 [NYSE: TM] decided a good turn deserves another therefore barely two weeks the board recommended a second round of recalls supposedly to ride on the crest of the first one.

"The first one sure was a success my fellow corporate warriors. Given my vast experience i should have seen this[success] coming but i didn't and that's great- i love surprises" said Akio Toyoda after signing the papers authorising the second recall.

This time round Toyota was not going after the Corrollas, Avalons, Tundras or other mass market vehicles but extended the recall to their crown jewel the Prius.But Akio stopped short of authorising the 2010 prius instead choosing to "save the best for last or at leat some time in the third quarter" when there might be no aces to play.

Motoring commentators and motor sports magazine editors hailed the move as a genius of marketing which led several other car companies to follow suit.
Thanks for the recall some jackass who didn't even know about us would like to test drive-just for the rush of a sticking brake and gas pedal, coupled clutch at 90mph

Honda led the way and almost immediately announced a massive recall of it's Accord and Civic models. By noon news was that it was expanding the recall to include it's minivans and SUV's which clearly shored up the break neck speed at which recall departments of major car manufacturers have to maneuvre just to stay ahead of competition.

"We were informed by our North American people the airbags had problems and we heard a Honda had caught fire in South Africa" said Takanobu Ito, CEO Honda Motor Corporation.

"Though we admit we tried to find similar cases in Asia and even simulated a crash at our testing grounds in Malaysia, but Chairman [Satoshi] Aoki warned us against pushing our luck" concluded Ito.

Our Dearborn sources revealed Ford was exploring the possibility of re-enacting its 1994 cruise control recall, 2000 Ford Explorer/Firestone [tyre]blow out recall or it's 2009 fire recall in manner of relevance and present day news worthiness but conceded it was hard not to be seen as copying the Japanese.

"we have to be original,think out of the box,be different. Do exactly the opposite" said Alan R. Mulally CEO Ford.

Thereby the decision was reached to mudsling Toyota and trumpet it as a fraud all along-subtly. Nevetherless Mulally ordered a review of the anticipated 2010 recall list just to make sure "it wasn't as serious as Toyotas".

Experts believed this 'different approach' tactic would hurt sales.

"Even though as of January Ford led Toyota in the American market some recall publicity could have helped to nudge sales a little higher thus ensuring they stayed leaders just a little bit longer" noted Crundale Banler a car industry enthusiast.

General Motors had no comment or plan of action yet, as of time of press as it quietly reveled in it's God sent double digit gains hoping to benefit further from the next round of federal funding of what has come to be known as 'cash-for-Corrolas' programme.

Akio apologised for the inconveniences caused to it's customers but assured them of better sales and much renewed strength of this global brand.

"We will come out of this smelling like hydraulic fluid"

"And if i may paraphrase Britney Spears, there is nothing like bad publicity my friend" said Akio clenching his fist,jabbing the air as he stood from his desk to move away from the web cam.

"After all,it only takes thirty minutes to fix a sticking brake/accelerator/clutch pedal and all those beauties in pedal pushers who freaked in their Camry's will feel safe behind the wheel again" concluded Akio trashing the subpoena hanging over his head

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Thursday, 11 February 2010

Gaza gears up for forthcoming film festival

Scheduled for mid April, the Palestinian Film Festival has grown into a spectacle to behold and the PFF is accepting submissions for this year, 2010. And riding on the success of the 2009 PFF, this year's PFF is supposed to be the bomb.

Mahmoud Abbas, the Palestinian Authority[PA] figurehead has lent his full weight and support to this worthy not- to- miss once in a Palestinian lifetime festival and even promised not to step down as earlier threatened so as to 'maintain the prevailing air of tranquility and order' at least till the end of April, to ensure the smooth running of this whole operation.

“Let this be a strong statement to the whole world and our neighbours that Palestine is not all about struggle for nationhood all the time. Let us show them we also know how to have a good time- kick it in so to speak- around here” said Abbas in a jolly worded prepared statement.

One hundred films and novellas are expected to feature and this being double the number of entries from last year goes to show how well organised and efficient the Palestinian tourism ministry marketing department has become for the last twelve months.

“We are glad to announce the Buzz so far has not under-whelmed” said Shariff Mutahin, CEO of the PTB[Palestinian Tourism Board] sounding as modest as he can in accordance with mid-east culture.

“Duration, venue and exact date of the event still remain top secret for obvious reasons but everything is set, we're locked and loaded and ready to roll in short notice”he added.

Even though Organisers are usually impartial and submissions from almost all countries with a respectable film industry are considered, India was suspended last year for what the PA considered 'a break in cinematic rhythm and flow' whereby in most of their films groups of Sari dressed women would appear from nowhere in one direction, men from another then burst into well rehearsed choreography.

“Not that we were jealous of their dance moves or had anything against their young women with shrill made in India voices either the script had to change this year or it's bollywood boulevard for them” said Shukri Mehanna one of the coordinators.

“Dance at every take,that's a FAIL!! it's like, hey, we just watched this great ad on IMAX-ads are so frequent and near between that you end up watching the ad[s] and being advertised the movie” added Mehanna

As we were on our way, we asked a 6 year old boy Jamal, from the West Bank City of Jenin what his favourite movie was.

“Toy Story” he answered in accented english. And we asked what he would be watching at the festival, “Toy Story” again was his answer.

As our team planned to leave it seems the blockade was no obstacle for the Palestinian film festival spirit. Props, lighting equipment, plastic chairs, generators and livestock,like live sheep, cows goats were being smuggled in through the tunnels.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Umkhonto we sizwe[spear of the nation]

Freedom is here today and it sure has a nice ring to it. The 'Black pimpernel' walked out of political detention after many many years in political detention to be the first black president of post apartheid South Africa.

But as the continent marks the 20th anniversary of one of it's heroes what are the lessons if we haven't missed any? Our leaders except for a few as still as corrupt and selfish as ever and Zuma is a shame to the legacy of this great nation in the South- what example is he to the youth? Much said about him, likes of him are better left alone after all it's Madiba's day not "Ja-Zee's".

So, where were you 20 years ago today. I for one was in first grade but that's beside the point "we miss you Manelo[Mandela] were you"-remember that hit. They had to change the wording lest the singer Chico Twala face persecution. "Freeeee Nelson Mandela" by Jerry Dammers and his Coventry[UK] based band The Special A.K.A in 1984. And of course my personal favourite [you too can hear it on youtube] by the Cameroonian singer San Fan Thomas "Mandela". I can't understand a word but i get the message and the King of Pop[sort of]  choreography.

But again, that's not the point as i don't get the words in Wes's Alane but hell don't i love that song- on Deutsche Welle's[german wave] Germany's Top 40 hosted by Ingo Schmoll. The song also did a long no. 1 stay in that country's chat back then in 1998, still IMHO the  golden year of pop music in the last 20yrs.

Why all music on Madiba day. First  South Africa is a Musical country and Nelson mandela would definitely love to savela uya biswa [respond when the people are calling] in song and dance as the unsustainable regime of the "Big Crocodiles" systematically fell like a domino.

Long live Madiba, Long live South Africa

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Wednesday, 10 February 2010

United Airlines to charge 8 US dollars for sheets

77 WEST WACKER DRIVE, Chicago-Barely a month after Air France announced it would be charging clinically obese people double fare, American Airlines has responded in slightly different kind by announcing it would be charging passengers eight dollars for sheets and pillows in mid-haul and long haul flights.

Trustworthy staff sources within O'Hare who requested to remain under the radar suspected United Air Lines'[NASDAQ UAUA] move was ill informed and ill intentioned but executive sources at 77 West Wacker Drive[UAL corporate offices] moved swiftly to assure all concerned it was for the best.

“ Am starting to suspect this is turning out to be a conspiracy of the corporations to control the air ways, how we fly and how much we should spend while flying”said Ms. Fanny Wadstein a frequent flier.

                                         coach class you said

and a number of holiday fliers suspected a wider scheme by marketers conniving with airlines to milk as much from hapless coach passengers as they possibly could in hidden charges.

“Why was a travel altering announcement like this made in such deafening hush hush. I only came to know about it from the PA at departure” said Karl Grenadier who was flying to Florida for a friends bridal shower.

“And the worse thing is they are spreading their wings to include skinny and medium weight people like me and.. that guy-it seems the 'Fat' pay check wasn't fat enough” he added.

UAL officials defended their move by citing the many challenges faced by the Airline industry from almost every type of bomber-shoe-B, underpants-B, syringe-B, ass,-B ass-hole-B and maybe a combination of all of the above.

“And an F-bomb in good measure”.

“The economy is weak, security costs are rising, budget airlines are getting more innovative while keeping costs constant...heck! i have a family to take of ” said a UAL ground manager whom we will call manager X.

“Read my lips my friend am no greedy executive, just a middle level manager who know his place in the food chain and has to take bring home some bacon like everybody else. I also fly you know and that's why we pushed it till May day” added Manager X.

But not everybody was mad at United's decision. Green Peace and Minimalist groups cheered the move as it is expected to encourage passengers to carry their own bedding and hopefully toiletries in future..

At the same time more people will be discouraged from flying.

“The average business traveller makes two separate two hour flights a week. That's 384 bedsheets and pillows in a year-you might as well open a Hotel” said Hirsh Jivani, 23, a Green Peacenik.

“ Talk of killing two birds with one stone” he added.

As ridiculous as it may look UAL are considered laggards in the airline 'extra buck making initiatives' circles considering JetBlue and US Airways had begun charging 7 dollars for a pillow and blanket sets since 2008 and 2009 respectively.

Since then, the major rival airline cartels One World and Star Alliance have agreed on a jointly funded task force to investigate the possibility of charging passengers a premium for on-time arrivals and efficient baggage handling.

“But most important, we should make sure we all go into this[program] together so that no airline is left behind” said ground manager Y who had details of the agenda.

 ©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Tuesday, 9 February 2010

East Coast storm one of the worst in history, Beyonce takes a tumble, again and..

Wintry sources from our Washington bureau report the snow storm which hit the East Coast of the United States was one of the biggest and thickest in almost ninety years. Some analysts went the extra mile in saying the 20in to 30in snow which fell mostly in the US mid-Atlantic might make it to the Guinness book of world records or even nominated for a Grammy.

                                               White House

This speculation was fueled by the news of the talented Rhythm and Blues singer and dancer Beyonce Knowles nomination for a record number of Grammies and breaking his own previous records- preceding the storm.

“i don't wanna sound paranormal or superstitious over this but it's hard not to see some connection” said Matt Bailey a sophomore at the University of the District of Columbia, Washington DC, Theoretical Astrophysics department and a Philosophy minor.

“i also had this hunch her stumbling in Brazil was genuine, in  alignment with the stars”

This claim has led many ordinary East Coast residents feel good about themselves, their little victories and achievement and to some extent the possibility of their town making it to the Guinness book has added a positive “zwing” to the devastation caused by the blizzard and possibly a zap of energy and optimism to their boring routine since the local authorities advised against coming out on the porch unless warmly dressed.

“isn't it just amazing how after such gale winds of destruction without abandon we manage to find a valley of calm deep down our American “we will prevail” spirit and surely enough prevail against the elements” said Todd Tolbert a local butcher.

But many observers mostly from the neighbouring states who were observing the goings on from their television screens begged to disagree with Tolbert on the context in which the word 'overcome' was applied in this instance.

“Amtrak[surface rail] suspended, Planes are grounded, buses aren't moving, cars are buried in wet snow and the lucky ones frosted. How do you commute a million plus people to the DC metro area in these limited public transit conditions. I can only say the underground trains running are overwhelmed, not overcoming. ” said Guuyd Maughling a Virginia native and keen observer.

Maryland snow storm observers and witnesses agreed and even suggested the five year old tv events of Katrina, one of the biggest Hurricane devastations in US history in the state of 'New Orleans' were still fresh and would beat DC's, “SnoSho” for any award, anytime.

“We were not treated to any looters in all this. Gray, motionless snow covered snow [plow] trucks don't make much for an award winning devastation spectacle” said Greg Mapletyne, a Maryland part time lumber jack.

“Again, i don't wanna sound superstitious but i think the stars were pretty much aligned for the New Orleans' Saints Super Bowl victory. One of the biggest wins in sport history was made to coincide with the City's fifth anniversary of the destruction and devastation later this August” said Matt Bailey, the sophomore.

Mississipians suspected foul play as a visibly angry Drew Brees, the most valuable quarterbacks of the Saints and a charitable sportsman [in strong language] denied rumours of match fixing “apparently to fast forward the healing process of his home state”.

“This is the poorest state in the Union; hello!! misery wants company here. And as sure as my free kicks, i bet they are wishing for a Rita , Charlie or even a Katrina upon themselves right now” said Brees in his blog

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Sunday, 7 February 2010

A fortnight after Obama's State of the Union, President wishes...

 Sources close to the head of state of the United States revealed Wednesday that the President's  wish for his first state of the Union address was not   having to explain his achievements for the roughly past twelve months to the electorate.

 For the first time in a long time, white house eye-witnesses observed the CiC[Commander in Chief] balked at the prospect of approaching the collapsible podium, clutching  both edges firmly and glancing tactically at the teleprompters to give an amazing speech on what he  has done for his great country thus far.

“ I mean, seriously,the guy is in his element at the podium, a spoken word artiste;waxing lyrical and giving hope to the hopeless- pretty much like a shark is in it's element in  brackish waters” said a White house intern who requested anonymity.

“ I don't know what's happening but that  Kennedy seat loss must have really got into him”.

Many State of the Union address experts  were careful not to rush into conclusions about the President's   nervousness in anticipation for his first major address about the health of the country's 50 states as widely circulated by  conservative news sources but they were fair enough to give the benefit of a doubt.

“ I think to rehearse the Union address on a cheap collapsible Podium was classless crass  at  best and irresponsible at worst . To muster the confidence of a head of state you ought to stand behind a  handcrafted, perfectly cured Redwood Podium. Not some mass market collapsible unless,of course you want some wind taken off your sails-and cheeks too” said a sixty something  Chicagoan State of the Union address expert.

Some experts begged to disagree with the sixty something expert as they considered  his argument way off the mark.

“This is not about the Podium, it's about delivery. Obama has done nothing that I like” said Scott Muffindahl 69, a Glendale, Arizonian and a full time, fully certified  Union address speeches analyst since retirement  though no official documentation was provided as proof as he claimed he was peer certified and also  acting chairman of the

Even though the latest job loss figures are down, contrary to critical acclaim, the President still faces difficult tasks both at home and abroad  like promising aid to Africa and  bringing change to America.

Apparently, bringing change is not  the  toughest job after all as [advisor] David Plouffe noted  but explaining the meaning of the word to an attention deficit, God fearing majority,  fundamentalist minority and  a growing Atheist, Agnostic demography was the main challenge.

“hedonism not withstanding, with almost acelebrity following across the board” added Plouffe.

A posting hinted it was investigating the possibility  of  a 30 second spot commercial at  Super Bowl, just to make sure the majority got it. 

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Tuesday, 2 February 2010

North and South Korea fire missiles at each other, which land at sea

Somewhere at Sea-Yet to be confirmed unconfirmed reports indicate  that North and South  Korea are at war, again. Though the two Koreas  are still technically at war since the  North withdrew form the armistice in  May 27 2009, the heavily militarised de-militarised zone [DMZ] has since acted as a buffer zone and a deterrent  to a full scale war.

But since the DMZ does not extend out to sea, the North has taken advantage of this geographical and short sighted defence department loophole to fire missiles at the South in the guise of 'missile tests'.

And these "missile tests" have been as frequent and as early as late last year[Nov. 2009] and another one expected before the end of this month, February 2010 following an announcement which declared a no sailing zone in some parts of the Korean sea.
                      who has seen Kim lately. Is he ill or something

The south has also responded by firing it's own missiles at the north but as US Marine Sergeant Scott McDougal, stationed at the watchtower at the beach DMZ, " none of the missiles mostly fired from the sea actually make landfall at either side"

Local fishermen from the south who get caught in 'these conflicts' and experience violent rocking of their boats  by  miniature tsunami waves generated by warheads falling on the water surface concur. Lie Shikeng, a small boat fisherman sums it all .

"Zis world of Korea is like World of Warcraft. Fighting  all  single day but no one really die for real" he said referring to the mmorpg[multi player video game] World of Warcraft.

Though North Korea is known to posses short range missiles and  believed to be on the verge of developing long range  missiles which can reach Hawaii and bomb it, ballistic experts haven't ruled out communist propaganda on these claims.

"We understand it's hard to get reliable information from a pariah state but with all do respect do you believe a commie[communist] can posses such technology and warm it with his ass for that long" said Ballistic expert  Sergent  Amar 'minuteman'  Jacobs. "we would be hot meat by now; extra crispy" he added.

To try and  ease tensions in the Korean peninsula and discourage Pyonyang from threatening it's neighbours , a six-party  round table consisting of the Russia Federation,Peoples republic of China, Japan, United States of America, the Republic of Korea[South] and the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea[North] are to sit down and  convince the North from developing nuclear weapons.

The North refused to sit for the next round of talks until it's demands for a Disneyworld in Pyongyang were met.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member


Monday, 1 February 2010

Africa Cup of Nations tournament Cup won by a country in the Middle East, Mariga to be sorted by Gadaffi

BENGUELA, Angola- Africa Cup of Nations,the Continents Premier footballing spectacle came to a close on 31st January as the middle eastern side Egypt thrashed their opponent 4 goals to almost nil.

Egypt which has been participating as an African country since the tournament's inception in 1957 drew no attention to itself but following it's achievements for being the first nation to win the trophy a record seven times with the last three in succession,the Confederation of African football [CAF] has opened an inquiry into whether Egypt is really, truly in Africa.

"We don't object that Egypt pretty much appears like it's in or at the edge of Africa but technically this country is in the middle east.They are the only so called African country bordering Gaza, by land" said Maalif Mabrouk an Algerian football fan.

Lest they be seen as poor or even bad losers thus tarnishing their long standing reputation as professionals who concede defeat honorably in the true spirit of sportsmanship,the Cameroonian delegation and players refused to be to be drawn in this 'after match loses geographical disputes'.

                                    Fussbol made in Egypt

But one of the players who did not want to be named questioned the Egyptian player's of what could be lip read as murmurings of Allahu Akbar several times before taking a penalty shot, free kick and even throw-ins in a video of several of their natches.

"Was Pharaoh an African really" he added

The Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak responded angrily to any accusations leveled against his country 'as not being a part of the Afrika Jamahiriya[peoples republic]' as utter nonsense by enemies of Egyptian football.

"We had a civilisation here way before the terms Africa and the Middle East became fashionable-just ask those who know us" he said.

Ethiopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi said it was indeed true but critics questioned whether Ethiopians themselves are not settlers -or even occupiers-in Ethiopia.

"Where did the black Jews come from and why were they and still being airlifted to Israel where we all along suspected they came from. And where did their women get the long flowing silky Caucasoid hair instead of a sub-saharan afro- these are the hard questions that we should be asking ourselves" said Ammanuel Maseree Senai Babatunde 32, a History assistant Professor at the Univesity of Asmara who insisted we publish his full names.

Ammanuel Maseree Senai Babatunde, himself an Eritrean of mixed Ethiopian and Western Africa heritage going back to his grandmas and grandpas however admitted he wouldn't mind taking any of the chocolate complexioned or light skinned Ethiopian beauties home as a bride.

Meanwhile,Cameroonian CAF President Isa Hayatou has ruled out any disciplinary action against Egypt for their 'treacherous geopolitical shifting of regional loyalties'.

He also disbanded the inquiry later on noting the African football juju gods had punished them enough for allowing only 'genuine' African countries to proceed to the FIFA world cup in South Africa later this 11 June- 11 July.

Though it was reported Egyptian coach Hassan Shehata has since been lobbying support from him and other influential figures to persuade South Africa to pull out from the Global footballing fiesta in favour of his boys by describing the Bafana Bafana as the 'weakest link', Hayatou denied comment.

Meanwhile, most Kenyans were unaware of the Cup of nations finals being played on Sunday as they were busy watching the Barclays Premier league encounter, ,played same day, same time, in which Man U beat their arch rivals Arsenal 3 goals to almost nil.

The few in the know blamed the British of a conspiracy to undermine African football viewership by deliberately coinciding the two must watch matches.

To most Kenyans, this couldn't be more personal as the British have denied 'a work permit' to MacDonald Mariga 22[Perma, Internazionale], a talented, promising young man the chance to be the first Kenyan to play in the Premier League because of a flimsy bureaucratic huddle of an excuse.

The outgoing AU chairman and Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi has promised to fight for the footballer's[Mariga] human rights and written to his counterpart Mubarak to desist from using his neologism[the word he coined] "Jamahiriya" carelessly.

©2010 newsync

Kenyan Blogs Webring Member