Osama bin laden may be hiding in city
DN, Oct. 26th 2007
OSAMA BIN LADEN MAY BE HIDING IN CITY
“Osama bin Laden could be hiding in a city instead of a cave in the Afghan highlands,”
said Lieutenant- General Asad al- Musad, a former head of the powerful Pakistan Inter-Services Intelligence Agency (ISI).
According to Lieutenant-General al-Musad, it is believed the terror boss is comfortably tucked away in some (undisclosed) urban area enjoying the trappings of his newly found amenities which include a very big bubbling Jacuzzi, sauna, indoor gym and a custom fitted Sony™ home theatre system complete with an HDTV ready 64” TFT-LCD Sony Bravia™ flat panel with a 5.1 channel Bose™ surround thrown in, in good measure, among others.
“Things haven’t looked this up for ‘the boss’’ also fondly referred to as “Mustapha”- meaning the chosen one, by his close aides and business associates, among other flattering titles.
“This is a far cry from the dusty, pathetic, congested, claustrophobic
conditions of the Tora Bora caves in northern Afghanistan” said Ali al-Akram, a Pakistani goat seller.
“Long live defender of the weak, scourge of the west” he added.
Indeed this is a far cry from the days when Osama had to crawl from one cave system to another, on his bare belly, like a snake, for 45 minutes, just to decoy the reconnaissance planes.
And when the tanker bursting ‘birds of prey’ came in, he had to crawl even faster.
“Those were the tough times” Osama acknowledged in an off the camera remark.
“It was hotter than Jahanam down there am telling you. What was I supposed to do?” said Osama fending off criticism from a section of Taliban religious leaders who insisted it was not only indecent but most important unreligious for anyone, more so a ‘ great leader’ like him to crawl with only his underpants on, unless one was taking a shower or a swim in an Oasis or the river Tigris-upon-Euphrates.
Osama later wrote a formal apology.
Many were the times he had to disguise himself as a fakir (beggar) in order to pass the Pakistani border checks undetected, just to get a puff of opium. “The swine eating infidels razed down our poppy fields” he would grumble.
“I, Osama bin Laden, king of the damned, who strikes fear in any westerner’s soul- a beggar! It just doesn’t add up,” he would add.
Those days are long gone now and with every dawn, a new day full of hope and camaraderie beckons.
“The boss smiles a lot nowadays and even gets to see his wife and kids ( in person, not grainy videos) once or twice in a blue moon,” said Abufeisal bin Mikdad, al Qaeda’s Minister for Family Reunions and Outdoor Activities whose main job is to make sure organization members meet their kin at least once in a lifetime, and where possible arrange picnics and get together' s.
“As for ‘the boss’ I must admit am a bit jealous. In his (undisclosed) location, he gets to live a near normal lifestyle, just like everybody else before 9/11” said bin Mikdad.
According to our sources, Osama has been spotted once (ok, maybe a person who looks like him), leaving a nearby Walmart store with several cans of jell-o and what appeared to be a dozen 700ml bottles of tomato ketchup. Curious onlookers suspected a terror attack was imminent but when he pulled by the local snack bar, for 50lbs of “Happy Meals” the rubberneck-ers fears were laid to rest, if at least temporarily.
Sources close to him revealed the terror boss suffered from a severe strain of bulimia. After many years in caves, with barely enough to eat, you can’t blame the man.
Copyright© 2007 newsync