Tiger Woods Dropped By Gatorade, Threatens To Leave US

BARRINGTON, Ill-Tiger Woods threatened to leave the United States if Gatorade does not bend over backwards, swallow it's pride and reinstate his sponsorship. Sources close to the golfer confirmed Mr. Woods will temporarily leave the U.S.to give his [former] sponsor time for reflection 'to reconsider it's decision' concerning their future involvement with him or else extend his stay-indefinitely.

“I have let my sponsors down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior pertaining to my sponsorship. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my other understanding, supportive sponsors Nike and EA Sports. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.” said Tiger in a prepared statement.

“But this does not give any of my sponsors the right to embarrass me in public. I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, not a professional man whore” he added.

PesiCo, parent company of Gatorade denied claims the move had anything to do with the married golfer's controversial Nov. 27 car crash or alleged affairs with ten confirmed women. In fact, it denied ever ending it's sponsorship with Mr. Woods to begin with.

“I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really...er...we are amazed to hear the gutter press say we dropped Tiger” said Mary Doherty Director of Communications at Gatorade as she shuffled some papers on top of others.

"We decided several months ago to discontinue Gatorade Tiger Focus, the drink, along with some other products to make room for our planned series of innovative products in 2010. We hope to share more about our 2010 plans soon," she further explained.

Nevertheless Tiger's spokesperson and close family members would have none of it and and reminded them they had heard a similar story before especially the “innovative products” part on that letter from Accenture.

This prompted Head of Marketing Hector Huerta to come out strongly, add some credibility to her counterpart's statement and set the record straight

“Whatever regrets we have about letting Tiger Focus, one of our most profitable brands go down, have been shared with and felt by us alone. We have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which we [as a company] must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.” said Huerta

“We will strive to reduce the percentage of electrolytes and for all your support over the years Tiger[the man] we offer our profound thanks.”he added.

Quizzed by reporters on the rationale of reducing electrolyte levels in their future energy drinks Huerta explained it was to make 'better husbands and fathers of their customers and...of course a future partner'.
“On the same note, i insist. With all due respect ladies and gentlemen we didn't drop Tiger passe, just the drink. At your age i believe you can tell the difference between the two and just for the records we don't burn bridges at Gatorade.” said Huerta
“You never know when you might need performance delivered. It's in Tiger-he has the power to drive sales up” he concluded.

©2010 newsync





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Cleveland Cavaliers Win Most Miserable City Cup

Cuyahoga, OH-Snatching the honour from the defending champions Stockton Ports,the Cleveland Cavaliers emerged victorious in a narrow but convincing win of 98-101 to be crowned the 'baddest' city in the whole of the 50 states of the United States of America and probably the eight provinces of Canada too.

Clevelanders generally welcomed the victory especially given the field was unusually crowded and tough this year round evidenced by the conspicuous absence of traditionally high quality,tough contenders like the Chicago Bulls in the top five instead replaced by relative newcomers.

The Philadelphia 76ers, veteran Guard Detroit Pistons[my personal favourites] and Flint Fuze from Michigan state together with the top two made up the top five Les Miserables this season otherwise known as the 'Big Five' with a guest appearance by the Bazooka, the Port-Au-Prince basketball team.

As such were the results of the USBL [United States Basketball League] which came to a 'we saw it coming' win to some and a rude shock to others.

As the Cavaliers celebrated their Monday night victory, sport commentators congratulated them for their anticipated win but some wondered whether the weather or man made factors played to their advantage

A few said a combination of both; man made decisions and the seasons conspired to dethrone the Stockton Ports of a possible win.

“This year's spring season started rather early don't you think” said Flint Stones a sports anchor for WKJD TV Mich. referring to the holding of the minor[USBL]eague initially announced in January, to be held in April.

“But thanks to the changing of minds of the officials, just like the seasons, we had to settle for second best” Said Stones.

However LeBron James the Cavaliers forward fended accusations the snow and cold played a part in the success of “The Forest City”.

“First of all a black man and the cold don't get along and this was not street basketball-it was played indoors though i gotta say at times the heating was sporadic at worst, luke warm at best” he said.

Wyclef Jean puts on a brave face as he tries to explain where the alleged money donated by the Cavaliers went to

Due to the high competition several cups have been introduced both in the major and minor leagues to accommodate talent which would otherwise mothball as a result of a lack of incentives. The Saddest City cup won by the New York Nets a few months ago, the Sin City Cup won by the Las Vegas Stars and most recently the Come Back kid Cup win by the New Orleans Hornets.

Sane minded officials warned of a major backlash against the proliferation of league titles some of which had political slantings with particular reference to the PalmPrompter Cup and Teabagger Cup won by the Alaska Dream and the Anchorage Anchovies respectively.

“What kind of a dumb name is Anchovies for a basketball team. And are they licensed” said Tim Wolof an NBA official.

The Cleveland mayor frank G. Jackson also opposed league naming which underscored economic under achievement and general lawlessness.

“Our [former] 'Plum-City' has just won the title of the most miserable town. Do you know what that means, yes, you Joe the Plumber. It means our neighbourhoods stink, our manufacturing sucks and unemployment is off the roof. We don't Rock any more” he said and suggested the Caveliers should chase after “economically correct” less depressing titles like Most Livable City Cup , just like back in the days of “Rock n' Roll”.

Emerging accusations allege the Caveliers broke the law in moving back and forth, playing both major and minor league allegedly to increase their chances of winning as many Cups as they could.

If found guilty they could be stripped of their hard won Most Miserable City title.

Caveliers lawyers argue they were well within the law since they were competing within “the charity clause” in a new ruling passed jointly by NBA and USBL officials on 25^th January 2010 which allows any team to play in any league or tournament as long as half the prize is donated for a charitable cause.

“Why do you think the Bazookas were here in the fist place- for show business” said the lead counsel.

Ports lawyers suspected the Caveliers' lawyers had exploited a loophole in the Hoop for Haiti bill since some money allegedly donated to Yele Haiti could not be accounted for.

Meanwhile the City's recent success in sports has earned it a new reputation as the “blessed sports City” which ESPN finally validated by withdrawing it's 2004 remarks which described Cleveland as the “most tortured sports city”.

©2010 newsync





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They Still Call Us Blackwater

MOYOCK,North Carolina- Xe Services formerly Blackwater Worldwide has expressed disappointment at the majority of the people of the world still calling it Blackwater.

In response, Xe Services which describes itself as a “private military contractor” has launched a media campaign to educate nearly two thirds of the worlds 6billion plus people to get it right and get it right now or else...

“We spent a whole year and a couple of million dollars coming up with a short, artistic,easy to remember name but all we get is selective amnesia by a public which clearly shows no appreciation as to our efforts” said Anne Tyrell the Xe Services/BW spokesperson.

When asked what the name meant in comparison to the original name that stood for the Peat coloured waters of the founders homeland swamps Anne replied “nothing really” but on realising her PR gaffe quickly moved to explain the “abstract genius concept” behind the twelve month long re-naming and re-logo-ing.

“ I can't believe a year after official re-branding and two years since we came up with this brilliant idea most Americans still call us by our old name. The print media and Jeremy[Scahill] too. They include the old name in brackets or parentheses after nicely acknowledging the new, stripped down nomenclature” fumed Erik Prince, co-founder and former CEO now chairman of the Private entity as he filled up the cc box of his gmail ready to be fired as a reminder to Scahill, a reporter for the Nation and one of the firms fiercest critics and others.

Xe/BW Worldwide, the biggest and clearly the most controversial “personnel defence contractors” in the US described the name change as part of it's new strategy at divesting into “safer” business options like training, disaster relief and tough diplomacy.

This was followed by firing of top level executives and several trigger-happy, gun peddling drunken sailor employees who were immediately snatched by competition and the state department.

There was disagreement among Corporate name change experts on whether Xe/BW had the best training departments for non- military personnel out of the military but all agreed in unison its marketing department sucks.

“Whoever came up with the name Xe to begin with must have been from finance” said Joshua Keipleger a Corporate Name Change[CNC] consultant in reference to www.xe.com-The world's Favorite Currency Site, who among others, also oversaw the successful name changes of
JetBlue [from “New Air”] and Pdiddy.

Data obtained from a Pew research poll showed an embarrassingly handsome percentage of Americans polled had never heard of New Air or simply forgotten about the crash which led to the name change.

“Now that's what we call 'Brand Renaissance' in marketing jargon” said Joshua which means cover up in black and white.

He also disagreed with economic observers who observed Xe/BW will lose a lot of business from rivals as a result of the revocation of their Iraqi licence in September 2007- a major cash cow during and after the war.

“With their numerous subsidiaries and connections i won't be surprised to learn they have a stake in Haliburton, The Falcon Group, Sarah Palin and subsequently subcontracted by Triple canopy, Inc.a similar company the state dept. has chosen to deal with henceforth-in proxy” added Joshua.

The marketing blitzkrieg by Xe/BW which is planned to coincide with the first anniversary since re-naming will include XOXO camouflage face paintings on five year olds faces who enjoy watching “Soldiers-For-Hire” and doodling XeXe on walls of every Community College, High School and Kindergarten funded by Xe/BW CSR program dollars including tattooing the same on any visible parts of their bodies.

But why the focus on kids and young adults?

“You can't teach Babyboomers new tricks” said Anne.

At least we did the BW after every Xe.



©2010 newsync





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Al-Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Texas IRS Plane Crash

AUSTIN, Texas- A Spokesman for the international terror Organisation al-Qaeda has moved swiftly to claim responsibility for the Texas Kamikaze bombing.

The Californian born Adan Gadahn acknowledged the relatively successful Cessna flight bomber with as much zest and gusto as he denied his Organisation's involvement with the failed Syringe bomber just over a few months ago.

“Our Organisation is an Organisation of winners and go getters. Our Jihadists do not blow hot air and pour plastic blood about big government on the streets but are ready to stand up against it and whenever the opportunity arises- bomb it!!” said Adan.

Critics argued the terror network chiefs were in a gold rush to earn cheap propaganda mileage probably to counter the blow following the recent arrest of their own in Pakistan but another spokesman Kadir Kalintan who spoke on behalf of the first spokesman Adan, clarified the number 2 was a Taliban commander, a member of a coalition partner.

“Critics should first get their facts right. Al-Qaeda is a stand alone Organisation not an Umbrella Organisation” he added. Though on retrospection, Kadir admitted maybe they should have let their partners the Pakistani Taliban lay claim to this one for “the credibility score”.

Experts did not rule out al-Qaedas involvement entirely. In fact most were convinced there was a darn good chance it had a hand at some stage in the operation no matter how partial or low key since the charred facade of the building which housed the targeted IRS employees bore all the hallmarks of a similar event in recent history.

“ This thing sure has Qaeda fingerprints all over ” said Dr. George Philquist a DHS[Department of Homeland Security] forensic expert at the site. “The perpetrator knew how to fly a plane low, was well educated and very very angry at some American institution. But still i have my doubts. The damage was extensive but with only two people confirmed dead, plus the bomber, the casualties simply do not match up” he added.

Adan explained that might have been as a result of a minor timing error. “ A few minutes delay at the dry cleaners after lunch might mean the difference between lives lost or lives not lost-yet” he said.

“ But hey, this is just breaking news. We still don't know what lies beneath the debris” he concluded.

  ©2010 newsync





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