Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Study On Effects Of Second-Hand Smoke On Smokers Out

  BEYROUTH,  Liban[Lebanon]-  A new study by the Center for Waterpipe Smoking in Beirut has just concluded a study on the effects of secondary smoke on fellow smokers standing nearby, smoking.

Initially it was mocked and seen as a slap on the face of the generally known studies which investigated the effects of secondary smoke on non-smokers but the non-profit's director Dr. Faizal Kassim Baltasar explained the main aim was to explore an important  niche most often ignored.

" from WHO to the FDA[US Food and Drug Administration] everybody was talking about how secondary smoke was dangerous on non-smokers as it contained more than 4000 different harmful chemicals. But what about  the smokers inhaling this second smoke aren't they getting a double lethal dose and who was fighting for them" said Dr. Baltasar.

" If you want to smoke yourself to death at least leave your fellow smokers out of it" added Baltasar.
a comic book inspired 'one-at-a-time' proposals like the one above were hailed as the perfect solution by the Syrian Government since it solved the dilemma of the non-smoking taxpayer by charging the user. Ignore the print in red.

The study which showed smokers were at a higher risk of dying from  smoke of other smokers standing nearby, say, in public designated smoking areas, than non-smokers recommended  private single individual designated smoking areas like those in some European airports/public transit stations.

"We understand it's going to burn a hole in the taxpayers pocket but health first" said an anonymous sympathizer.

Most institutions were  not amused with some like the Americans for Non-smokers' Rights  saying an organization in  a country like Syria which just banned smoking the other day had no moral right.

"They just signed the law on 21st April 2010, small wonder they are still nostalgic about the smoker and now they are telling us to give health priorities to second-hand smoke smokers. I bet  Dr. Baltasar is  a closet smoker himself" said Dr. Jeff Brigg  director of communications for ANR.

Baltasar dismissed his statement as professional jealousies.

"My friend Jeff is forgetting we are the first Arab nation to ban smoking including the Narghile[waterpipe] in public areas in a country and region with a cultural history of smoking anything from Poppy to Camel shit. And now that we are the first to come up with this breakthrough study while they were smoking pot, and we are not American, well,i think Dr. Frankenstein is green with envy" said Baltasar.

 As of the time of press, the Americans for Non-smokers' Rights organization announced it was embarking on research to study the effects of second-hand smoke on the individual smoker, so just we may  know.

 NB: our French born/American-Israeli writer was barred entry to Syria. They suspected  he was an Israeli spy


Saturday, 11 September 2010

9/11 Hijackers Doing Just Fine, So They Say. Except One. Had A Bad Stomach

NEW YORK, New York- Nine years after 9/11, beneath ground zero sources have confirmed  all 19 hijackers were doing just fine except for Nawaq al-Hamzi one of the flight 77 hijackers which had crashed on the pentagon.

In a "Situation Room" like setting the 19 perpetrators of the worst  terror so far in American history allowed for a short, unedited interview sharing their thoughts and what they could have done different.

"He's having a serious bout of diarrhoea, i think it's the Tofu. Cuisine can be quite unpredictable in here" said Salem al-Hamzi a colleague and one of the 19 referring to his absent comrade.

Quickly veering away from matters of food the twenty something Salem said he had no regrets whatsoever and given another chance he wouldn't think twice about crashing a jumbo jet into an American establishment.

"Talking of Jumbo jets, i heard they got a Super-jumbo out. Too bad it's made in Europe" added Salem whereby Atta jumped in and  said that might not be so bad.

"Of course  you cannot equate the evilness of the E.U. to the U.S. but  with recent intelligence reports am getting from France, our rather erstwhile ally, i think rattling them a bit will bring them back to their senses and surrender in their anti burqa and hijab war" said Atta.

"A bomb scare on an A380 will do just fine in reminding them who's [still] boss in solid ground and the hereafter" concluded Atta.

Stressing to them that they were now in the afterlife and were powerless against beings above was interrupted by  an unexpected tongue lashing.

                         recommended read for most still haunted by those goons

"....point of correction. First of all who said we are below ground. Is Jannah[Paradise] below ground? Is that what your book says? Second of all where did you get the crazy idea our remains might be somewhere in a Manhattan dump site"  said  a foaming Satam al-Suqami of flight 11 during a flare up which caught me by surprise because i had not come to  that subject- yet.

After some calming down  by the others to forgive my  ignorance the hijackers admitted it gets lonely sometimes in Paradise.

"I miss home. If only they made the Khubz[Pita] just like my mama did i wouldn't be complaining. Neither would  Nawaq have to take those Tofus. He himself had no idea he was Soy[a] intolerant" said Salem.

This led me to inquire whether we could speak to the chief chef and what he had to say for himself but my request was flatly refused leaving me to suspect if indeed this interview was taking place in Heaven.

The room fell dead silent for a while and it seemed my next unscripted question was  unexpected when i inquired about, you know, the biggest and most interesting prize-the 72 virgins.

Mohammed Atta  finally broke the  silence  by  saying they are not free to discuss their sex lives with strangers but conceded babies, lots of them are there and  many others on their way at different stages after which everybody else  slowly filed out of the room, up a flight of quartzite stairs wearing contemptuous looks obviously fed up with either me, 'Heaven' or both.

That's the moment i snapped off my dream. I never had the time to snoop around to confirm if indeed i had actually had a glimpse of Paradise; or not.

There  is still a good chance the Boyz and Men might be doing just fine after all.