Wyclef For President

SADDLE RIVER,New Jersey-  The  world famous recording Artiste/Producer Wyclef  Jean has given hint's he will be running for the November Haitian elections as President.

Though no official announcement has been made by Mr. Jean himself-yet- he has already presented his fingerprints, in person, to the concerned authorities in Haiti and has until August 7th 2010 to register as a candidate.

This announcement naturally has sparked off optimism in the heaven forsaken island plagued by corruption, incompetence but unlike it's parent  continent Africa, prone to hurricanes and earthquakes.

Most Haitians believe Jean is the man to effect this much  needed systemic change but local  critics described him as an "Oreo" - black on the outside and white on the inside- a charge his publicist refused to comment on.

" It's a shame they are blind to the wonderful work Wyclef has done through his Yele Haiti foundation. That should give them a good idea of the compassionate, responsible and actually black man from America they are dealing with here" said Prakazrel "Pras" Michel, Wyclef's cousin, himself an Artiste and firmly in support of his quest to change his home country.

Nevertheless pundits opined Wyclef has no experience in foreign policy or any form of elective politics in that matter and cannot be relied on or rely on his humanitarian activities to make up for everything.

"We understand he's got charisma;he sure knows how to work the crowds, and an open heart but one thing, [in my opinion] they are conveniently leaving out is the not so open books of his organization" said Kirk Whitherkill a political analyst for Fox News referring to financial misappropriations concerning Yele Haiti which made Wyclef Jean cry during an interview explaining he had never channeled any aid money inappropriately  for his personal use.

In other news, his uncle Raymond Joseph who also happens to be Haiti's Ambassador to America announced he will be running for the same post leaving Wyclef's other cousins( apart from "Pras") with a tough familial decision.

"I believe they can reach agreement and  Ray can be his running mate. What i want my baby to know is that in case  it get's too hot in  the kitchen or gawdforbid another major tremblor strikes during his watch, he's always welcome back home" said his mother.

Meanwhile in other quarters, the Tea Party Movement de-facto leader Sarah Palin  said she was happy for Wyclef and the people of Haiti  but would have been much happier if Obama had discovered and considered  that route- earlier.

Eneza

The Sun Also Sets- In Catalonia

 CATALONIA,Spain-A vote banning Bull fighting in the Spanish autonomous town of  Catalonia has sparked outrage  from lovers of Ernest Hemingway's 1926 novel  The Sun Also Rises.

"This  is a clear upfront of an American hero" said Debbie Applegate of Bedford Park, Illinois and chairperson of the acclaimed novelists fun club, a remark quickly dismissed by a PETA[People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals] rep. Illinois chapter as a cheap shot.

 "First of all, what Ms. Applegate is defending contravenes all statements in our slogan; animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment. Second with their backing for paper backs, that club should be more worried about the TreeHuggers bull shit up their [expletive]" said Ann Thorpe on behalf of PETA.

         Michelle Odhiambo(above) and an un-identified PETA lettuce mermaid

Many people and friends of the  Kingdom of Spain supported  the Catalon community's move with the Netherland's Queen Beatrix hailing the Parliamentary decision as a victory towards animal rights but political pundits debated this could be about more than just abolishing Bull fighting.

" I have this nagging feeling the Catalons don't like the Spanish people much. Their culture and language and... but hey, don't treat this seriously it's just a hunch" said Jorge Alejo.

Meanwhile, in related news Michelle Odhiambo, a Ms. Lettuce and Vegetarian for the last 8 years  from Kenya  has acknowledged receiving " we will eat you" and  "i know friends who have eaten you" sms's from her newly launched campaign to ban Bull and Cock fighting practices prominent in Western Kenya communities.

" I was inspired by the Catalonians to start this new campaign after my previous Lettuce costume got a lot of media attention. But these recent threats have forced me and my team to reconsider approach" said the U.S. educated  Ms. Odhiambo denying any suggestions she was chickening out of anything.

Kenyan police are investigating the matter.

 The Bull Running committee for the San Fermin  Fiesta refused to comment on the matter since they were busy preparing and planning for the 2011 but issued a statement instead.

"Following the unfortunate turn of events we should expect an unusually large pouring of spectators to Pamplona. As you can see, this will present a logistical nightmare for us but this also means the signs look good as long as the future of Bullfighting in Spain is concerned ".

Eneza

Algeria, Cameroon, Nigeria Get A Resounding 'No' In Opinion Polls

Nairobi, Kenya-  As Kenyans remained sharply divided  on the draft constitution they are about to vote YES or NO in a forthcoming referendum, sources in Pubs  have noticed a unifying factor- the World Cup.

Not the beautiful tournament  passe but the answer with a 'YES', 'NO' or 'So So' to the question  of who 'Should Have', 'Shouldn't Have' and 'Should  Not' have represented  Africa in the tournament.

Following   the results of a telephone poll by Synovate,a polling  company a whopping 89 per cent of Kenyans think Algeria, Nigeria and Cameroon were a general disappointment in their opening matches. 70pc of that 89pc were not surprised though as they put it  "following the experiences of  Germany 2006 we were just bracing ourselves for a whole new level of 'underwhelment' by our 'West Africon bradas' referring to Nigeria and Cameroon.

 76 per cent of pollsters also claimed this football team of Indian Gurus,Papajis and potential snake charmers would have provided a better scoreline and entertainment than those disappointing 3 teams put together. As of time of reporting, Analysts strongly predicted South Africa will make the number 4



 "Our computers showed a 110pc error margin + or- 0.03 pc. which of course is an error and am not blaming the machine" said Ms. S Poll research co-ordinator Synovate who declined to be named unless her computer crashed following day.

Algeria the African country just happy to be at the Cup again since 1986.

"They are a total waste of air ticket.Saying they area as productive as a paper weight is an insult to the paper weight" said Dickens Owuodo a Pub goer.


Leading Politicians opposed to the draft constitution did not want to be caught at the Train Station when the Ship was docking at Port.

"We have not figured out yet how but we are open to suggestions. We plan to make this triple digit 'NO' vote reflect on our own 'NO' campaign" said William Ruto a Politician opposed to the new Draft Constitution.

Needless to say the Algerians were furious by the belittling of their national team but not  as much as the mention of Egypt by in the 'Should Have' part of the poll alongside Zambia, Kenya, Madagascar and Sychelles the last three having never qualified.

"This is ridiculous. Egypt does not even acknowledge it's African-ness" fumed the Algerian Captain Yazid Mansouri.

Most other African countries agreed leading the Kenyan foreign minister to apologise on behalf of his countrymen to avoid a diplomatic spat.

"We had so much going on; the Premier League just ended, World Cup fever was catching on, Biden came then left with the President  for South Africa after a hurried budget speech at State House instead of the August House all in less than a week." said Moses Wetangula Kenya's foreign minister.

"And i conveniently forgot to mention  the referendum campaigns were heating up at that very time" he added.

Meanwhile, Synovate MD George Waititu announced a repeat of the Poll after news came in of South Africa's 3-0 defeat against Uruguay.

 Madiba in a statement through his aides advised Kenyans to steer away from ethnic politics and embrace Rainbow Politics at the same time get a life- outside of football and Shebeens
Eneza

Cameroon Blames Ball For Defeat

Afrique du Sud- A Cameroonian  player has blamed the Adidas designed synthetic Jabulani ball for their 1-0 defeat against Japan. This heaped on a string of  ball blaming incidents first by  Tanzania's keeper Muharami Mohammed during their friendly defeat against Brazil ,  Algerian coach Madjid Bougherra following a 1-0 defeat against the perceived underdogs Slovenia finally leading Nigeria's Dickson Etuhu remarks 'it's difficult to know where the ball will go after kicking it.'.

 FIFA has so far dismissed the claims asserting the ball was available for practice as far back as February. An official  also noted the Germans did not complain after their 4-1 thrashing of the Aussies but one Nigerian  football commentator Oba Babatunde Ngaido  countered

"that's a football made in Germany what did you expect."

"If anybody has any complaints about the Jabulani they should file an official complaint just like the Europeans did for the Vuvuzela. So far i haven't seen one on my desk" said Sepp Blatter defending the 2010 ball.

 the ball at the center of the World Cup [blame] game captured in a far right Post corner ." FIFA should do enough.A level playing field will only be  achieved with a football made in Africa- not just an African name. After all this is our time"said the CAF President Issa Hayatou a native of Garoua, Cameroon

"You all know am a darling of Africa that's why i wholly supported the Kick Racism Out Of Football campaign and eventually brought the World Cup to you but people you have to understand it's a  bit late to change the ball at this point of the tournament" added Blatter wiping his brow in exasperation.

 Though Afro haters would be wrong to suggest it's only Africans who are calling for a ball change it should be noted that star players like David James(England), Mark Schwarzer(Austaralia), Iker Cassilas(Spain) and Gianluigi Buffon(Italy) are in support.

 "That's a cheat the last four are goal keepers. Go fool an American and for the record, nothing personal but i think the Italian keeper is an old buffoon" said Brian Chadwick an English fan,  three days after their disappointing 1-1 draw against the United States.

Reached for comment the US Coach Bob Bradley said the blame game should stop  quoting the Truman classic 'the buck stops here'.

He also reiterated he still expected a repeat of the 1950 1-0  defeat against England, 60 years ago [should they meet again].

"We will fight this war with everything we've got for as long as it takes" concluded Coach Bradley at a press  conference in Pretoria.


Eneza