al-Qaeda To Release Tapes In English

Someplace Between The Afghani and Pakistani Border- In a rare announcement widely viewed as a seismic shift in  policy, the al-Qaeda communications director  Ahmad Al-Awrang announced Monday, English will be one of the languages in use in  audio taped messages, VHS recordings and anonymous literature.

"We are fed up with all the substandard Arabic translations proliferating Western newsrooms" said al-Awrang in a heavily accented but fluent  English. "Though my critics might disagree but the truth is most Arab-Americans speak pathetic Arabic" added Awrang.

Indeed most critics thought otherwise.

According to the CIA insider by the handle Agent Zee, most interpreters are from outside the United States.

"Omani Arabic, Yemeni Arabic, Saudi Arabic you name it, we've got it" said Agent Zee himself a born American of Arab heritage.

"Am not sure it is in my place to say this but i have to say this is  classic case of misplaced priorities on the part of al-Qaeda i mean, they should leave this translation job and it's inherent costs to us. We are perfectly capapble" added Zee.

We submitted  written questions to Awrang through his cave aids especially on the above point following the  not so in the past  report by the State Dept that the terror organization was facing difficult financial times.

"This is not about money, it's about principle" responded Awrang."Every American deserves the right to accurate translations whether it's a 15minute speech or 5minute 'howdy do'.This is a serious matter which can affect the daily routine of millions and going by living history, affect some for the rest of their lives" added Awrang.

Though al-Qaeda's concern sounds genuine and is a matter close to many a westerners heart as the first amendment  analysts suspended this was a propaganda war between the two principals.
 
"I see his as a push-pull scenario with the Federal government keen to show the people it is doing a good job of  translating what the terrorists are saying while the terrorists are saying hey, wait a minute, that  does not translate to IED, it's mini nuke." said Craig Parnsley senior fellow at Washington State, department of International Relations.

"It's much like our foreign policy of winning hearts and minds and  shocks and awe right back at us though most Americans would prefer the latter roosting some place else but home" concluded Parnsley.

 as of the time of reporting, archived clips like the one above were being voiced over for re-broadcasts. Pundits predict the move will revolutionalize the delivery of  video taped messages

Meanwhile, plans were underway to train fresh 'Linguistic Jihadists' initially majoring in American English then moving on to the less glamorous British and Australian English with successful candidates being awarded an international baccalaureate and  TOEFL which will empower them to translate in any terror cell anywhere in the world.

Presently, due to the cash crunch  lessons are by correspondence only specifically Skype but the organization is aggressively recruiting teaching staff. 

"Naturalized or radicalized born citizens of Middle Eastern descent from English speaking countries  are  highly encouraged to apply while knowledge of regional accents is, mashallah, an added bonus" said a middle aged gentleman only known as Iqram.

Iqram, as we later found out from our Someplace- In- The- Afghani- And- Pakistani -Border sources, a Somali with a tan, 6"2' sporting a stiff red ochred goatie was the appointed director of the programme. A former textile entrepreneur considered by his peers as a quick witted visionary.

It was also revealed the decision to 'tape in the infidel's language' as it were was reached following a non scientific research by the 'QLJ' [Qaeda Loya Jirga-council of elders] which showed the anglophone market made up more than 95 per cent of all  messages. The same sources confirmed  the English tapes will retain their Arabic subtitles just to make it clear 'this is not a bluff".

On a parting shot, we asked Iqram where he saw the programme and indeed the school five years from now.

"Five years is a long time my friend. This is going to be an instant hit. First of all we are going to spell check the 'Al-qaidas', 'mutallabs' and 'mujaheedeens' and other ambiguities so as to come up with a standardised system. Then you will have to get used to..wait..am spoiling the fun. Just wait and see but my promise is after we are done with the recording, the results are going to be 'shockingly awesome' " concluded Iqram.
Eneza

al-Qaeda faces funding crisis: US Treasury

In a surprising twist of happenings but sort of predictable, Newsync is proud to report secondhand that al-Qaeda is broke. According to Newsync who according to BBC who according to Senior Treasury official David Cohen, al-Qaeda has made several un-ashamed appeals from well wishers to finance recruitment and training of personnel, purchase of mission critical equipment like suicide jackets to accessories like a nice clean robe, Jambiyyas(daggers), Pesh kabz and Barongs.
“Kandahar may be a long way away from WallStreet and it's hard to imagine that when America sneezes, Afghanistan catches the sniffles” said Ustad(Master) Nasrudin a religious teacher and al-Qaeda sympathizer at Madrassatul Hamza on the outskirts of the city. “ but that is exactly what is happening, the financial crisis is finally hitting our proud Organisations” he added.

Indeed the financial crisis has not only hit al-Qaeda hard but it has shaken it's once strong financial pillars to it's very foundations leaving them as steady and stable as the Stonehenge, and rattled once confident Mullahs reducing them to “aggressive panhandlers” which according to Wikipedia means begging for a donation in a supplicating albeit intimidating and/or intrusive manner.

With the remaining charities operating abroad facing closure and the last of their assets tracked down and frozen by the Obama administration, the noose is clearly tightening on al-Qaeda just as former President Bush predicted.

“When you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose” seems to be the attitude of the general members as they weather the storm of this man made financial turbulence.But as day turns into night, there is the constant fear of someone being rendered redundant, therefore jobless and as a result homeless.
“If things keep going the way they are, and no green shoots of recovery sprout out of this dusty, sun-baked, heaven-forsaken terrain of the Mazar-e-Sharif any time soon, I swear by my great-grandfather's Faizullah-Ul-Haq grave am going to start an ice-cream business to support my family” said Ahmet al-Faizul a third generation Afghan-Turk.


“ The Banks may kick me out of my cave but never will I allow them to foreclose the family tent.” he added.
And such is the hidden desperation faced by many but mentioned by the few and outspoken like Ahmet.

On the contrary, another terrorist Organisation, the Taliban of Afghanistan which only came a distant second [at most] compared to al-Qaeda in terms of liquidity,fiscal policy, human resource management and general running of terrorism affairs and was generally considered a regional outfit is doing better than just okay; in fact it is [actually] thriving in the worst recession ever since the Soviet invasion in the '80's.

This, said Shaikh Abu Nizamuddin Zakariya, Second in Command, is attributable to the shrewd extortionist tactics against legitimate businesses in form of 'protection money' domestic tax from the sale of Poppy, the country's leading cash crop and many other traditional income generating channels such as charities, donations and 'corporate taxes' on kidnappings and Russian gun and tank runners.

“of course it will be unfair not to mention the great wisdom of our leaders like Mullah Abdul Jabar, Mullah Abdul Matin,Mullah Dadullah to mention but three and am not telling who is alive or dead ha!gotcha! We know better than Hamas- the Infidels will kill them with their Drones and Apache gunfire-for those who are still alive that is” he added.

Definitely, the Taliban is becoming international to the extent of forming strategic alliances with homegrown start-ups like Lakshar e-Taiba (Army of the Good) now headquartered in Pakistan, to perpetuate 'common badness' across the civil world.
“and if things keep looking up as they do right now, we're going to be the new kids on the mountain valleys; replacing al-Qaeda; just as it replaced the People's Mujahideen. Behold the dawn of a New World Order beckons ”. He concluded
Copyright© 2009 newsync

...Bin Laden Spotted In City

   
Osama bin laden may be hiding in city
DN, Oct. 26th 2007
 

OSAMA BIN LADEN MAY BE HIDING IN CITY

 
“Osama bin Laden   could be hiding  in a city instead of a cave in the Afghan highlands,”

said Lieutenant- General  Asad al- Musad, a former head of the powerful Pakistan Inter-Services Intelligence Agency (ISI).
 
According to Lieutenant-General  al-Musad, it is believed  the terror boss is comfortably  tucked away in some (undisclosed) urban area  enjoying the trappings of his newly found amenities which include a very  big  bubbling Jacuzzi, sauna, indoor gym and  a custom  fitted Sony™  home theatre system complete with an HDTV ready 64” TFT-LCD Sony  Bravia™ flat  panel with a 5.1 channel  Bose™ surround thrown in,  in good measure, among others.
 
“Things haven’t looked this  up for ‘the boss’’ also fondly referred to as “Mustapha”- meaning the chosen one, by his  close aides and business  associates, among  other flattering titles.
 
“This is a far cry from the dusty, pathetic, congested, claustrophobic
conditions  of the Tora Bora caves in northern Afghanistan” said Ali al-Akram, a Pakistani goat seller.
“Long live defender of the weak, scourge of the west” he added.
 
Indeed this is a far cry from the days when Osama had to crawl from one   cave system to another, on his bare belly, like a snake, for 45 minutes, just to decoy the reconnaissance planes.
 
And when   the tanker bursting ‘birds of prey’   came in, he had to crawl even faster.
“Those were the tough times”   Osama acknowledged in an off the camera remark.
 
“It was hotter than   Jahanam   down there am telling you. What was I supposed to do?” said   Osama fending off criticism from a section of Taliban religious leaders who   insisted it was not only indecent but most important unreligious for anyone, more so a ‘ great leader’  like him to crawl with only his underpants on, unless one was taking a shower or a swim in an Oasis or the  river Tigris-upon-Euphrates.
 
Osama later wrote a formal apology.
 
Many were the times he had to disguise himself as a fakir (beggar) in order   to pass the Pakistani border checks undetected, just to get a puff of opium. “The swine eating infidels razed down our poppy fields” he would grumble.
“I, Osama bin Laden, king of the damned, who strikes fear  in any westerner’s  soul- a beggar! It just doesn’t add up,” he would add.
 
Those days are long gone now and with every dawn, a new day full of hope and camaraderie beckons.
“The boss smiles a lot nowadays and even gets to see his  wife and kids ( in person, not grainy videos)  once or twice in a blue moon,” said  Abufeisal bin  Mikdad, al Qaeda’s Minister for Family Reunions and Outdoor Activities whose  main job is to  make sure  organization members meet their kin at least once in a lifetime, and where possible arrange picnics and get together' s.
 
“As for ‘the boss’ I must admit am a bit jealous. In his (undisclosed) location, he gets to live a near normal lifestyle, just like everybody else before 9/11” said bin Mikdad.
According to our sources, Osama has been spotted once (ok, maybe a person who looks like him), leaving a nearby Walmart  store  with several  cans of jell-o and what appeared to be a dozen 700ml bottles of   tomato ketchup. Curious onlookers suspected  a terror attack was imminent but when he pulled by the local snack bar, for 50lbs  of  “Happy  Meals” the rubberneck-ers fears were laid to rest, if at least temporarily.
 
Sources close to him revealed the terror boss suffered from a severe strain of bulimia. After many years in caves, with barely enough to eat, you can’t blame the man.

Copyright© 2007 newsync