Suicide bomber disappointed when he discovers all 72 virgins are lesbian

 A former suicide bomber [the late] Abdul-Aziz al-Mukhairi was disappointed approximately 0213hrs Friday morning on reaching Hades when he was presented with his 'gift' of 72 virgins only to discover later on that they were all lesbians.

" what kind of joke is this" retorted an angry Mukhairi. "the amir's[General] instructions were clear; seven-two pure, untouched virgins. Am as screwed as hell" he added.

Officials at Hades could not immediately establish the cause of the terrible mix-up and when Mukhairi insisted on talking to their supervisor they directed him to an underground dungeon.

Beelzebub, the chief Lieutenant of Lucifer was helpful and considering the 'graveness of the matter' as he put it promised to get him in touch with his boss as soon as he was done roaming the earth for the day.

Meanwhile, as Mukhairi pondered his next move, he struck rapport with with a one Ata, a [former] kamikaze who got wind of his situation. " news travels fast around here and i couldn't help but sympahise with your case" said Ata. " but i have to admit i envy you. Immediately i crashed that plane i was teleported  down here." he said.

"I got my virgins alright but they were all male" he added.

Following lengthy inquiries not to mention  Hades fight to save face Ata was served with a written notice from the Department of  Iniquity  which read in part:

" Dear Shk. Ata,  apologies for the gross injustices and emotional pain brought upon you as a result our Delivery department failure for delivering you the right prize in the wrong package as a result of your valour and martydom. we have however been advised by our legal department not to accept liability as the clause was clear- 72 virgins PERIOD. Never specified male, female or anything in between. For any further clarification or inquiries please...."

"and they told me goods once delivered, not returnable. Am telling you my friend we can't trust Satan anymore" he concluded.

But according to our Hellish sources, we discovered the main culprit for the mix-up was a typing error which described  [now deceased] mister Ata as a female suicide bomber, a one Darine Abu Aisha.

On sensing there was no chance of him ever getting his 'promise' of  72 straight virgins  Mukhairi grew desperate and asked if, maybe,at least... one virgin could be arranged for.

Lucifer replied "no can do" but apologised for the distress caused and promised him it won't  happen again.

Al-Mukhairi's desperation  was quickly replaced by anger. Wagging his finger in defiance while muttering something like "may you burn in fire and brimstone", he left the roon banging the huge wrought iron door behind him.

Asked by  reporters what his next move will be al-Mukhairi said he will be suing The Emperor of Hell and his fallen host  for false advertising.

 ©2009 newsync





Eneza

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cinema goers complain: Why is there no s3x scene in the Transformers- Revenge ofthe fallen

 from our cinema-goers complaints department, it is reported that most fans of the Transformers film franchise felt disappointed even let down with the exclusion of a s3x scene from the sequel of Transformers 2007,  Revenge of the fallen.

A bona fide blockbuster   by any standards and one of the talked about films of the year ending  2009 thanks to aggressive promos from HASBRO the big ass American toymaker which holds the rights to the Transformers toy line, film critics were also amazed at how a s3xless movie could be such a box office success.

"Given a movie like the Dark Knight..well.. at least  it  had some kissing i suppose; though i can't exactly remember which part and Titanic, yes that 2007 hit. You gotta give some at some point to make it big in Hollywood" said Routtein  Tomaso a film critic.

"what happened to the 80/20 rule in filmaking" asked Jamie Megrahi a sci-fi fan referring to the general rule that a good movie needs to be 80 percent action packed and other stuff  while strictly 20percent romance. " this movie simply is a slap across the face of laid down and tested rules and procedure and whats with that Sam 'wimpy' Witwicky[Shia LaBeouf] guy. Couldn't even tell her onscreen girlfriend [Mikaela] he loves her; onscreen. Was he shy or something" he added.

"it's obvious he didn't know who she was in real life and what kind of name is Shia LaBeouf anyways sounds so gay " he concluded.


Megrahi was not alone in blaming Sam for the lacklustre romantic performance.

Eddy  Schleindelsberger another cinema goer and sci-fi buff  had as he put it 'a Decepticon bone' to pick with the 'fleshling'.

" i mean, who does he think he is to disappoint such a beautiful, poutty  lipped, Tomb Raider look-alike girl for that long- Tiger Woods?" he said.

"huff..Samantha  LaBeouf" you can't trust the French with anything  these days.

While the blame mostly lay with the male teen-age actor most female cinema goers blamed Mikaela for lack of the 20 percent  so much anticipated.
" though it's not mentioned in the film, i think Sam was wary because Mikaela is bisexual- according to the tabloids that is" said a fan who only identified herself as Nikki.

" and Sam's destiny was to save the world anyway, by bringing back Optimus Prime to life to destroy the Decepticons so those expecting some romance from a sci-fi please get a [s3x]  life" she added.

When asked why they waited this long to vent their frustrations the cinema goers said they didn't want to affect the films ratings lest they be slapped a multi million dollar lawsuit on their recession wasted asses, for defamation.

" i know this may sound weird but most of my nerdy friends and their  friend's friends went to watch this one in anticipation of some rough autobot romps  they missed from Transformers 2007- and these guys make up roughly 70percent of the audience" said Megrahi

Co- directors Steven Spielberg and Michael Bay apologised for the slight and promised more bots and even better digitally enhanced ass slappin' special effects in Transformers III as early as July 2011 whether the writers Guild go on strike again or not.

Requests to change or modify the male teenager's  real and onscreen name for promotional purposes was  however politely declined.


©2009 newsync





Eneza

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BILL GATES SNEAKS INTO KENYA

 
 In another  case of an American well known  person sneaking into Kenya 'unknown' and unnoticed was William Henry Bill Gates III, an American  businessman, Philanthropist, nerd, workaholic agnostic richest  man on the planet for the latter part of last century and...

Ok,  he probably would have wanted this shushed and toned down.

Bill Gates a Seattle based businessman and a [global] do-gooder jetted into the country on an undefined day and  date to check out how his humanitarian efforts were making a difference to humans. Gates ran a spot  check on malaria drugs inventory, lasting approximately ten minutes at a local  drugs store in the small town of  Eldoret in the Rift Valley.

" actually, i just hopped  in  for my  holidays and figured i could just pop  in town and check on stuff  just to make sure" he said.

" not that i don't trust these guys with mosquito drugs but, like i said just to make sure none of it lands in the blackmarket in Juba or Ruwanda. We got similar programmes running there too" he added

But close aides determined he has been always hands on and as they said," sometimes struggled with delegation".

And since leaving Microsoft  one and a half years ago time is all he has had to organise and exercise 'fair'   health  care provision to the worlds people with no strings attached. He denied  he was in a race to be the biggest charity but quietly reveled at the thought of  besting Melinda in handing that skinny kid a cup of porridge lest she makes him 'look bad' like in that last round of golf.

"Fortunately nobody was watching".

Gates, clad in a checked shirt, khaki pants and brown shoes roamed freely  as if he owned the small town whose resident he provides  ARV's  through his Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. He was also reported as apparently  roaming  incognito, till he was long gone, according to his PR people in a rental Toyota Regius and  [modest] convoy of  not very shiny  and/or so mettalic black Land  Rovers "did it hit them just who was in town".

Eldoret being the cradle and home of long and distance runners who  scoop gold with ease for the country in international competitions, many a townspeople  thought  Gates  was an agent or scout for a sports management company.

It is further revealed he ordered his security detail to 'take in the air' while they still could as he bent down low through  some narrow entrance to a grass thutched hut to take a sip of Mursik[sour milk] from his Kalenjin buddy Kiptoo whose dairy business he supports through  Micro-loans.



©2009 newsync





Eneza

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the Kenyan Knight; what's with Black men and 'lousy' jobs

 Dr. Patrick Lumumba Otieno a high flying  eloquent Nairobi  lawyer popularly known by his initials PLO [ nothing to do with the paramilitary group Palestinian Liberation Organisation we hope] has been nominated for the country's lousiest job. A director of KACC [ Kenya Anti Corruption Commission].

A Kenyan of Kenyan origin, to stress no  relation to Patrice Lumumba, Dr. Lumumba is faced with the task of slaying a dragon just like the  medieval knights in shining armor, with a Lance and all only this time  instead of breathing fire and  roaring  it's vomiting on it's own Dragon shoes.

Being a perpetual optimist who believes "Third World is a state of the mind and until we change our attitude as Africans, if there is a fourth, fifth and even sixth world, we will be in it.” he oddly seems to be happy with his almost- to-be new [lousy] job,  flashing his trademark  stupid Sensodyne white  grin characteristic  of a man not aware of the amount  of shit he's about to chew.

" am praying his armor comes out  in the same  conditions as it went in- pristine and  shiny and not dull and lacking in luster" prayed  Wanjiku, a member of The Jehovah Witness.

While critics say PLO has no prior experience in  dealing with 'Dragons' which is a euphemism used to describe the rot in the country it is believed his excellent grasp of the English language will come  in handy but exactly how nobody really  knows.

He was once in a lecture hall and was [mis]quoted as saying,  [mis] quote  "the power of  calligraphy  is stronger than the power of an unseating  Lance" end [mis] quote which loosely translates  " the pen is mightier than the sword."

" ever heard of KISS  Doc?" a retard within the hall asked. " it means Keep It Simple Stupid" he answered himself,  adding " no offence."

"Indeed no offence on intent as in any offence caused, felt or implied by such a disambiguation is purely coincidental and has no  bearing as to the the context of the phrase used because we all know a text taken out of context can be a dangerous pretext" responded PLO. " i feel you my brother" he added.

It is widely known impunity is a forgone conclusion in the corridors of  Integrity Center, seat of the Anti corruption commission of  Kenya and some doubt the good Dr. is  as squeaky and incorruptible as believed.

 "Holly cows and hyenas have already christened him our LPO [Local Purchase Order]" said one informer hyena who asked for a bribe to talk to us.

" talks are already underway to determine the 'buy-ability' of this newb with some being  supremely confident as saying it's not a matter of 'if' but when and  how much" he added.

Lumumba's is not  the first  case of a  clever individual handed a lousy job and smiling about it.  In January   another clever individual  inherited two wars and a financial crisis for a job; sheesh!! whilst another one almost  landed a lousy job right here in our homeland during the same period.

No problem! no sweat! nothing but a chicken wing but do they all have to be of Kenyan  origin, black and Luo?

Heaven help the Black man




 ©2009 newsync





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