Jobs convinces the world to buy something they didn't even know they needed-again

CUPERTINO,Ca-Apple Computer Inc. CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs was at it, again, doing what he does best when not shouting at helpless employees at HQ, or in and out of hospital.

He was preaching the gospel of it's newest product the iPad formerly known as the iTablet or maybe iTab.

For a product that is yet to hit the market, the iPad is touted by many technology pundits and TechTrendTrackers, a leading [San Francisco]Bay area fad consultancy as the 'ultimate iPhone and MacBook killer in a single blow and possibly,Macgod forbid, the iPod.

 

ipad, imate, islate,islut, ifly idon't really care-Steve Ballmer CEO Microsoft

This assumption may not be as far fetched following rather lackluster performances of competitor products which analysts believed would kill, with particular reference to 'that massively successful Apple touchy feely thingee phone'.

Yes that over hyped single page loading, non-impressionable touch screen iphone.

"Palm Inc. came out strongly initially with the PalmPre and the Pharisees asked; are you Elijah-the iphone killer?"

"No i am not as we found out" relayed Methusela Wickrematunge a full time freelance technology blogger.

"Then came the Blackberry Bold and we asked; are you Moses-the iphone killer"

"no I AM not"

"Then finally a truly serious competitor by Google inc. in the form of the Nexus One which went something like-am the voice in the wilderness preparing the way for the iphone killer"

"And we figured right but we hope it will at least turn out to be an iphone denter " concluded Methusela.

Although Jobs denied the ipad is not designed to kill any of it's predecessors much less the crown bejewelled iphone series of smart phones, he admitted it was something of a compromise between a big iphone and a much thinner MacBook- both life and death essentials for any self respecting..well..computer person and a person who is into phones.

Picking up on matters of life he did not shy away from making it clear it was designed to kill that much publicised Microsoft stylised[using a stylus] tablet PC which never experienced the flashing lights and thunderous applause of a well choreographed tablet launch presentation.

"oh! that CES[consumer electronics show] 'Microserf' based tablet...what was it's name again?" said Jobs giving a look into the future gaze and head slant trying hard to recall.

"Ooops! i forgot. it didn't even have a name" he added.

Meanwhile, Amazon.com promised it's latest version of the Kindle as soon online audio book and music CD sales picked up. Rumoured to be the A-kindle, after the initial B-kindle name was rejected by marketing' supposedly because A comes before B in the english alphabet and 'A' stood for many good things like 'A'-list and sometimes the painful but necessary 'Abandon'.

Jeff Bezos was mad.

It is expected to rekindle the sluggish Kindle sales and hopefully reduction of price to follow through economies of scale thereby appealing to the mass market.

"iPad, iPod don't have, i buy" said Li Xeonjin 25, queuing[standing in line] outside the Sanlitun Apple store in Beijing to purchase an iPad on being mis-informed by scammers.

"When Apple bring iPhone in China" he asked us.

We thought they already had the iPhonne.


©2010 newsync



Eneza

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Fat people resist and desist paying for two seats in a plane

TOULOUISE,France-Following the recent onslaught on fat people to pay for two seats in a one way flight in the event they were flying economy class, fat people all over the world have finally decided enough is enough with this anatomical discrimination.

 Overweight not obese. Call me that again and am gonna blow your skinny ass


Trent Budgwood, chairman FAT.org[Full Anatomy Travellers] an organisation committed to the comfort travel of above average girthed individuals moving from point A to point B expressed outrage at the policy being floated by a French airline.

"That episode of '99 is still as fresh in my mind as my breakfast mozzarella Buffalo milk cheese" refering to an event in 1999 whereby Frenchman Monsieur Jean-Paul Touze was refused access to an Air France-KLM plane for China because of his illness.

"If America managed to lift that ridiculous ban on HIV people flying into the US what example are the airlines showing to the rest of the world by denying visibly healthy albeit sick people trying to board a stupid 747" he said.

"He wasn't even coughing at the time for crying out loud" he added

His sentiments were echoed by the French secretary of state for the family madame Nadine Morano.

"If people have to pay twice because of their illness, i find that shocking" she said.

Air France-KLM, which has been fighting a ten year constant losing battle with fat,overweight and obese people finally sensed this was their day to carpe diem[seize the day] and win the war.

"It's been an acrimonious decade long fight to bring some equity in this industry. No man or woman should be fatter than the other and the fatter you are,well, their is a price to pay " said Louis Deveroux communications manager for the airline.

"2010 is our year of victory against the fatties" he added.

Though most thin and average bodied travellers, students and returners interviewed were in support of the new rules, airplane manufacturers believed the main problem is size of the planes not the people.

"Airlines should go for bigger planes and retire the Embra...er!! smaller planes and other smaller fleets including our own and invest in the Airbus A380 Super Jumbo" said Charles Champion, head of Engineering Airbus Industrie, the main civilian plane maker in Europe and a subsidiary of EADS.

" and whoever thinks the majority of today's kids will fit in the 18.75inch seats must be dreaming; head thousands of feet in the sky and i don't have to mention the name of the plane they're probably in" added Champion.

With the European overweight people threatening legal action backed by the financial and literal might and size of fat.org, Air France-KLM PR people loosened up the conditions; a 25percent discount for the second seat and full refund in cases of underbooking [where the flight is not full].

Mr. Bugdwood was politely asked to deplane a South West at the Chicago O'Hare International Airport on his way to lend moral support to organisation members across the Atlantic.

Leaked sources suggested South West management was considering similar measures in a review of their 1990 'Spilling Over And Protruding Passengers Policy[SOAPP].


©2010 newsync





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Homeless man quietly smiling to himself as reporting on Haiti slows down

It was observed Christopher Walken 55, haggard looking male 5'11 and a regular at the homeless shelter run by Unity Of Greater Canal street could afford a smile across his chubby face after a whole week of grumpiness and not wanting to talk to his street mates for no known reason.

"jeez!! I haven't seen anything quite like it but good ol' Walken sure did smile for the first time in a long week" said Adelaide Schumperd a close friend and reliable buddy in the once mean streets of New Orleans.

"If it was the cold that got him all worked up then he should have said so. But i guess he got only himself to blame" said Schumperd referencing the several occasions she had invited him to stay over at the shelter 'at least for the night' only for him to nod in agreement, dipping his Pita[bread] in soup and as soon as he was done,head straight back to the street alley he came from.

    

                   a street artists rendering of  Christopher Walken

 "or maybe it's the lots of black people around here" she added.Not that Chris  is white or coloured or something but the beating he got at the subway last Kwanzaa or the argument about a Hanukkah candle stand which left him with a broken nose has left him with an unfounded fear of anybody black and not well dressed.


Sources within the homeless shelter confirmed the homeless man's general mood had shifted from one of optimism,then general despair and senseless bitterness to optimism, even radiance all in a record time period of about six days give or take a day or two.

It wasn't immediately clear what the cause of sudden happiness to such a lonely soul and by no definition social lion could be so contended on the inside but experts speculated it must have had anything to do with Haiti since this homeless tramp's level of happiness suddenly shooting off the chats incidentally coincided with the ebb in tv, newspaper and blogosphere quake reports from the same place.

"hey, don't get me wrong. Am not saying the poor guy is a sadist or suchlike but doesn't it raise curiosity this same man kept watching with glee as boxes upon boxes of guava juice and macaroni were being loaded on the 18wheeler- Haiti bound." said Frank Joopler a clinical psychiatrist.

"or so am told" he added.

"okay, in my honest opinion, a female relation of his just got out of the rubble after twelve days with no food or water. Medical science can't explain that now can it; hallelujah!!" concluded Joopler


Efforts to get Chris to shed some light on his new found emotional well being bore no fruit even with the wiring of Schumperd to go undercover and squeeze the scoop out of his tiny frame.

" he seems to be moving places everyday and by the time i pin him down at the soup shelter it's all grunts, uhmms and mmmhs- it's like am interrupting his dinner" said Schumperd.

"but gawd do i love to see him smile after a sumptuous meal of ..."

Before he could finish, we spotted Chris catching a nap under a bridge. Not a so perfect time maybe but might be our only chance.

After half an hour of chit chat, we realised he was not as bad as society and the media made him look like. Just a simple man with a love for media attention, free grub and the occasional drink-pretty much like you and me.

The devastation of Haiti almost took that away from him-if for a week.

"and am as sure as two by two is four i ain't speaking for myself on this" said Chris.

Let's see how he will cope emotionally when all will be headed to Haiti for the decade of reconstruction. Hope he chokes on those meatball treats at the center.Such a selfish bugger.

©2010 newsync





Eneza

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An Avalanche devastates Ski Dubai, investigators believe it was man made

DUBAI,UAE-An indoor avalanche has reportedly hit one of the largest indoor ski resorts in the world the Ski Dubai, Saturday 03:50hrs E.A.T . The installation which is part of a mega shopping mall, the Mall of the Emirates and run by the Majid Al-Futtaim Group of companies, a leader in the mall building industry in the region, was so damaged it had to close indefinitely.

 Not much sympathy from green activists. Three thousand gallons per day for cooling only is no cow fart GHG[green house gas(es)]

The most affected parts were the 400 metre black-run[difficult region]of the skiing infrastructure due to its steep slope which accelerated the speed of the frozen wave.

Also the sled and toboggan runs suffered extensive damage warranting thousands of dollars in repair work.

Though no one was reported seriously hurt or trapped underneath the snow, workers caught up in the Jabal Theluj, the 85 meter tall artificial mountain inside the resort where initial speculation believes the avalanche was triggered reported cases of acute hypothermia.

"We were trapped on the man made mountain side for hours shouting for help but given the three football field size of the resort, i guess no one could hear us" said one of the workers whom we will call Jamal, wrapped in a hospital bed sheet in the 45 degree heat outside, anger showing up in his eyes.



"Thank God a guard who was doing the patrols on this part of the resort managed to hear cries of some of our colleagues trapped working in the ice cave blunting sharp stalagmites and stalactites who then alerted him of our presence up there" he added.

The catastrophe raised security concerns about the safety of indoor ski-ing and whether the management or indeed the Kingdom was doing enough to ensure the safety of skiers,trainers, other ski resort attendants and workers in the nearby themed coffee shops and cafes.

 That plastic fur tree, and that other one were miraculously spared by that force of [man made] nature


"Alhamdulillah Isn't it amazing the cave roof didn't collapse with the sheer force and momentum of a 10 foot thick sheet of slow traveling at forty kilometres an hour? of course not that's because we have reinforced concrete supporting the cave roof" said a sarcastic Abdulhakim Farjala the general manager, fending off criticism.

Jamal's colleagues nevertheless begged to differ with their boss.

"He should see the headless torsos of the snow-men in the snowman-making area.Am not sure if we should all feel lucky this happened by night or unlucky it happened at all"


Though tough repair work was moving swiftly and most parts of the resort which suffered partial damage or no damage were planned to open again for the public within the next seven days, chilling revelations started emerging about the possibility of a man made avalanche from the whole 'catastrophe'.

Summarily dismissed executives from Al-Futtaim leaked copies of classified emails to selected news outlets about a 'deliberate attempt to suffocate the ski-Dubai.'

The board was apparently not happy with their spot as the third largest indoor ski resort in the world. And with the thaw in the building sector, banks not lending and the Abu Dhabi bailout package not including private enterprise, well, there was only one way out.

"The board was desperate to see SnowWorld Landgraaf play second fiddle and i raised the Insurance money idea. Specific pawns had to make sure the snow machine didn't stop purring and the temperatures in the fins under the run had to play above zero [for the thaw]" said our informer, a former employee and obviously a big time pawn in the botched conspiracy.

As usual we couldn't get through to Al-Futtaim for comment. The CEO was allegedly at the Burj Khalif for some official function.

We figured.


©2010 newsync





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