Obesity Killing Three Times More Than Malnutrition

Obesity has overtaken malnutrition as a leading child killer according to a new report. This has come as a surprise to most as all pointers showed the world running out of food since the world population hit the 7billion mark this year.

overnourished  is the new malnourished

“This is mockery”   said a representative    from End Hunger Now, a not-for-profit committed to ending hunger on the planet. “How could they do this to us” he re-iterated in reference to no one in particular.

Leaders  from the Horn of Africa condemned this report  explaining it will undo many  years of progress  made raising awareness on the ravages of hunger but pundits  feared  they  were more concerned  about  the potential  fallout as donors  might pull out based  on the misleading Lancet report.

As  policy makers  and dieticians pondered  their next move with an aim to focus on the root cause of obesity, focus groups warned emphasis on kids had the unpleasant   outcome of ignoring   adult   overweight’s, even alienating  them.

“But it could get worse. Resources   might be diverted   from other child killers such as Malaria, choking and ammunition” said Sarah  Aidkin a dietician  with the National Health Service.   

Data  also indicated  child mortality was  generally  down compared to a decade ago, 

 Apple maps  was  getting better  and   stuffed Turkey tasted better  this year than last.

A proposal by Sub-Saharan governments to  initiate a sort of exchange program  as a solution to the fattie malaise  where affected junior citizens from opposite sides of the hemisphere  would switch lifestyles  and location  for a year or two in  an attempt to reverse the trend was politely declined by Western governments  but proposal for  an Africa  for USA concert  is  under consideration   with KFC pledging free chicken nuggets to anyone who walks or bicycles to  the venue.

 Eneza

PAPARAZZI CCTVS ON MANDELA HOSPITAL

Following  Nelson Mandela’s  most  recent hospitalization major  competing  news  agencies spying on  him  were forced to review strategy.

A Reuters  source who requested anonymity due to the culturally sensitive nature of the topic admitted  there  being a plan B for “M-Plan” from the start in  anticipation for “Day-X” ; M-Plan referring to  general reportage preparations   incase of Mandela’s/Madiba’s death on day x.

AP spy  photo of Mandela's retirement home in Qunu, Eastern Cape Province

“Oh yeah, we have CCTV cameras trained towards the hospital as usual, and powerful  SLR’s  just awaiting  activation when the time comes--“Day X” could  just be  21/12/12. Epic scoop” added our source.

Asked if she was aware she was breaking South African law   she added as long as she was not caught filming anything   before his death, which she was not doing at the time of going to press then she had a pretty water tight case.

“If you think our activities are law breaking, you should  check out what  those  guys at AP are doing” she  concluded   referring to bank breaking tactics employed  by the Associated  Press which included  hiring nurses and other  “fixers”  to   capture The  inevitability using all means necessary.

Media houses often co-operate with each other but no, not this time. This is considered to be a huge event in a country where Mandela is revered as a Pope, Monarch and Statesman all rolled in one. 

This has not only driven up the asking price of quality informants   but most demand up to 60pc down payments   before taking position.

  

This has hit major broadcasters hard as there are no guarantees the target will succumb to inevitabilities in places they thought he would succumb to inevitabilities, places like his retirement home but most swear no expense will be spared.

“Obviously our option at the moment is to plant as many moles [in advance] in as many top hospitals just in case he has to transfer from the hospital he’s in right now to another for one reason or another. Yes  we have paid top Rand down payment  and yes we intend  to continue doing so for  as  long we have to because we believe the people of the world have the right to real time information and amateur  footage”  said Eugene DuPlessis an editor with a  top  local tabloid.

Asked whether outrageous anti competitive tactics like booking all hotel blocks in and around a hundred feet radius or block booking helicopters and helipads in the area to prevent others getting the aerial shot was still an option all agreed in unison.

As at the time of going to press, unconfirmed reports in twitter indicated Mandela was being flown to the United States for specialised treatment.

 



 Eneza

Study On Effects Of Second-Hand Smoke On Smokers Out

  BEYROUTH,  Liban[Lebanon]-  A new study by the Center for Waterpipe Smoking in Beirut has just concluded a study on the effects of secondary smoke on fellow smokers standing nearby, smoking.

Initially it was mocked and seen as a slap on the face of the generally known studies which investigated the effects of secondary smoke on non-smokers but the non-profit's director Dr. Faizal Kassim Baltasar explained the main aim was to explore an important  niche most often ignored.

" from WHO to the FDA[US Food and Drug Administration] everybody was talking about how secondary smoke was dangerous on non-smokers as it contained more than 4000 different harmful chemicals. But what about  the smokers inhaling this second smoke aren't they getting a double lethal dose and who was fighting for them" said Dr. Baltasar.

" If you want to smoke yourself to death at least leave your fellow smokers out of it" added Baltasar.

 
a comic book inspired 'one-at-a-time' proposals like the one above were hailed as the perfect solution by the Syrian Government since it solved the dilemma of the non-smoking taxpayer by charging the user. Ignore the print in red.

The study which showed smokers were at a higher risk of dying from  smoke of other smokers standing nearby, say, in public designated smoking areas, than non-smokers recommended  private single individual designated smoking areas like those in some European airports/public transit stations.

"We understand it's going to burn a hole in the taxpayers pocket but health first" said an anonymous sympathizer.

Most institutions were  not amused with some like the Americans for Non-smokers' Rights  saying an organization in  a country like Syria which just banned smoking the other day had no moral right.

"They just signed the law on 21st April 2010, small wonder they are still nostalgic about the smoker and now they are telling us to give health priorities to second-hand smoke smokers. I bet  Dr. Baltasar is  a closet smoker himself" said Dr. Jeff Brigg  director of communications for ANR.

Baltasar dismissed his statement as professional jealousies.

"My friend Jeff is forgetting we are the first Arab nation to ban smoking including the Narghile[waterpipe] in public areas in a country and region with a cultural history of smoking anything from Poppy to Camel shit. And now that we are the first to come up with this breakthrough study while they were smoking pot, and we are not American, well,i think Dr. Frankenstein is green with envy" said Baltasar.

 As of the time of press, the Americans for Non-smokers' Rights organization announced it was embarking on research to study the effects of second-hand smoke on the individual smoker, so just we may  know.

 NB: our French born/American-Israeli writer was barred entry to Syria. They suspected  he was an Israeli spy

Eneza

9/11 Hijackers Doing Just Fine, So They Say. Except One. Had A Bad Stomach

NEW YORK, New York- Nine years after 9/11, beneath ground zero sources have confirmed  all 19 hijackers were doing just fine except for Nawaq al-Hamzi one of the flight 77 hijackers which had crashed on the pentagon.

In a "Situation Room" like setting the 19 perpetrators of the worst  terror so far in American history allowed for a short, unedited interview sharing their thoughts and what they could have done different.

"He's having a serious bout of diarrhoea, i think it's the Tofu. Cuisine can be quite unpredictable in here" said Salem al-Hamzi a colleague and one of the 19 referring to his absent comrade.

Quickly veering away from matters of food the twenty something Salem said he had no regrets whatsoever and given another chance he wouldn't think twice about crashing a jumbo jet into an American establishment.

"Talking of Jumbo jets, i heard they got a Super-jumbo out. Too bad it's made in Europe" added Salem whereby Atta jumped in and  said that might not be so bad.

"Of course  you cannot equate the evilness of the E.U. to the U.S. but  with recent intelligence reports am getting from France, our rather erstwhile ally, i think rattling them a bit will bring them back to their senses and surrender in their anti burqa and hijab war" said Atta.

"A bomb scare on an A380 will do just fine in reminding them who's [still] boss in solid ground and the hereafter" concluded Atta.

Stressing to them that they were now in the afterlife and were powerless against beings above was interrupted by  an unexpected tongue lashing.

                         recommended read for most still haunted by those goons

"....point of correction. First of all who said we are below ground. Is Jannah[Paradise] below ground? Is that what your book says? Second of all where did you get the crazy idea our remains might be somewhere in a Manhattan dump site"  said  a foaming Satam al-Suqami of flight 11 during a flare up which caught me by surprise because i had not come to  that subject- yet.

After some calming down  by the others to forgive my  ignorance the hijackers admitted it gets lonely sometimes in Paradise.

"I miss home. If only they made the Khubz[Pita] just like my mama did i wouldn't be complaining. Neither would  Nawaq have to take those Tofus. He himself had no idea he was Soy[a] intolerant" said Salem.

This led me to inquire whether we could speak to the chief chef and what he had to say for himself but my request was flatly refused leaving me to suspect if indeed this interview was taking place in Heaven.

The room fell dead silent for a while and it seemed my next unscripted question was  unexpected when i inquired about, you know, the biggest and most interesting prize-the 72 virgins.

Mohammed Atta  finally broke the  silence  by  saying they are not free to discuss their sex lives with strangers but conceded babies, lots of them are there and  many others on their way at different stages after which everybody else  slowly filed out of the room, up a flight of quartzite stairs wearing contemptuous looks obviously fed up with either me, 'Heaven' or both.

That's the moment i snapped off my dream. I never had the time to snoop around to confirm if indeed i had actually had a glimpse of Paradise; or not.

There  is still a good chance the Boyz and Men might be doing just fine after all.

Eneza