Eritrean footballers diasppear in Kenya

 It has come to our attention [rather  late i must say] that a dozen Eritrean footballers have disappeared zap!  like a magicians trick,  into thin air after their CECAFA match in Nairobi. It is unclear why they pulled the disappearing act but being kicked out of the tournament has not been ruled out yet the main  reason.

the team in a file photo camouflaged as the Super Eagles. Okay guys, here's the plan. We all change our names to Dennis Oliech

" i was waiting for them at the terminal on the day of departure, well as it appeared i waited, and waited and waited and waited; it was like waiting for Godot thats when it dawned on me nobody, not a single one of them was to show up" said Salum Wedi-Regbe  their tour guide.

" one or two individuals that's okay but a whole team, this sounds like a conspiracy and i bet the Ethiopians have something to do with this" he added.

Though the players have broken the law, the  foreign minister assured them no legal or inhumane disciplinary action will be taken on  their return [if they return at all that is].

Cecafa secretary general a mister Musonye described the incident as unfortunate but assured their coach the players were within the country indeed Nairobi.

" we think they are hiding somewhere with the intention of going somewhere or just intending to remain here" he added.

Unconfirmed reports confirm that the players had approached the UNHCR-Nairobi offices to apply for political asylum.

Absconding  is not a new phenomenon in the world of sport or indeed African soccer since we always have cases of third world players going underground whenever they travel for international matches in developed countries.

"What makes the Eritrean experience unique is the fact that they 'awol' as it were in a third world country, from a third world country in the same continent and geographical region; East Africa" said  Niklaus Brandt a footballing scout.

" and it doesn't help that Nairobi already has a sizable population of people of Ethiopian and Eritrean heritage; this helps them blend so well like tea with milk. C'mon guys, these two people are not that different" he added.

Taking into consideration that Eritrea is a breakaway republic of Ethiopia, like South Ossetia is to Georgia it's hard to argue.

This is not the first time though; they did it the last time they lost their quarter final Cecafa match 4-0 to Tanzania, in Tanzania and pulled a fast one in Uganda too.

In other news, the Sri-Lanka national  handball team members who disappeared in Germany five years ago have not been found but that's a story for tommorow.

The oddball is, Sri-Lanka didn't even know of their disappearance because it doesn't even have a national handball team.

©2009 newsync





Eneza

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Silvio Berlusconi hits a cathedral statuette with his face

 It is reported the Italian Prime minister allegedly hit a  marble statue with his face or was hit by a limestone cathedral gargoyle or it was thrown at him or maybe was dropping and flew towards him  while he was signing autographs and/or giving hi-fives to his [mostly] supporters after a political rally near Milan's central Piazza del Duomo.

                                    see, am fine. just a flesh wound 



If it was ever thrown at him, it is not clear the assailant Massimo Tartaglia, 42 or probably  Montessimos Tartaglia who could pass as 47 years old was responsible for the vicious attack which cost the PM two of his teeth but unofficial reports put the number of knocked out teeth as six

Montessimos or Massimo or  whatever was suspected to be mentally unstable at the time of the attack by eyewitness  Berlusconi  supporters but again who amongst them is not.

The incident as expected, shocked the political establishment  and was condemned in strong words by some of Italy's politicians.

Umberto Bossi, leader of the Northern league, a  coalition partner of the PM's People of Liberty party condemned the incident as "an act of terrorism".

Former Italian opposition leader Walter Veltroni  described it as a 'barbaric act of discontentment with a politician which he wouldn't wish happening to himself'

" what if it was a sawed-off shotgun" he added

As the Prime Minister was recovering at the 'Saint' Raffaelle or 'Santa' Raffaelle hospital which could be a private clinic, a number of conspiracy theories have been doing the rounds within Italy  trying to explain this mysterious, uncalled for series of terrible events.

" i fear this is the  work of Cosa Nostra. Since Berlusconi turned his back on that Mafia turncoat and started   arresting its members, well, what do you expect when a serpente[snake] is cornered? of course it strikes back" said a Napoli[Naples] resident whose name or even sex we cannot reveal for obvious reasons.

Corriere della Sera describes such theories as pure nonsense.



 ©2009 newsync





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Italian Pizza makers lash out at America for making non-conforming, non-standard Pizzas

 Italian Pizza makers have lambasted the CIA [culinary institute of america] for making Pizzas not conforming to the internationally  agreed upon specifications.

Speaking to reporters outside Tony Pizza, Fabrizio, a cook at the popular Pizzeria explained a real and genuine Pizza Napoletana had to be 3mm thick, 11/2 cm thick at the edges and the rim should be slanting upwards at an angle of 75 degrees from the base of the plate on which it is served.

" anything less, well you will be eating something but definitely not the genuine, authentic Napoletana" he said.

"oh! almost forgot. The topping need contain basil, San Marzano tomatoes and  mozzarella di Bufala Campana cheese"

This came amidst allegations that CIA graduates have been making non-compliant variants of the original delicacy but the Italians were most infuriated by the use of kneading machines whilst the instructions were very clear 'hand kneading only'.

American pizzas making which for long has contained local toppings such as cheeseburgers and barbecued chicken to the ire of the Italians, has also been described as mediocre and rebellious.

" pizza is an Italian dish so we call the shots and this has got nothing to do with big brother" said Annastacio Paccelini an Italian tourist to Manhattan.

"it's a shame they can't even make  [variant] Pizza Margherita right"

                the genuine napoletana; measurements, toppings and all


Under pressure and and following the negative publicity  CIA promised to review it's syllabus and a 'pie in the face' of the principal considered largely a publicity stunt for the cameras.











©2009 newsync





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cinema goers complain: why doesn't Keanu say 'Klaatu Barada Nikto' in that final scene,you know, towards the end

 From our cinema goers complaints department, it has been brought to our attention by a section of movie goers that Klaatu [Keanu Reeves], the star in the 2008 remake of the 1951 hit movie The Day The Earth Stood Still doesn't actual say ' Klaatu barada nikto' towards the end.

The movie about an alien, Klaatu who has been sent to earth to warn humans about the damage they are doing to the environment and change their ways or be exterminated was considered by critics an apt themed sci-fi and very environmentally enlightening.

The revelation came as a shock especially because  our department is celebrating exactly one year after  it was official on the theatrical release poster that the world would stand still on 12.12.08 .

"and isn't it Keanu himself who insisted the line be included in the remake then how come he doesn't say it" said Andrea 'Dragguz' Valenti sole founder and administrator of the 70plus member strong [and still growing] facebook group KLAATU BARADA  NIKTO in which one of our writers is also a proud member.

Fans around the world were also let down to learn that it might not be nominated for the most  environmental friendly film in the ongoing Copenhagen Climate Conference 2009 in the Danish capital  and die-hards are planning mass demonstrations early Sunday, weather permitting.

" i mean this is crazy" said Karl Aslǿg a Copenhagenner. " this single movie has done more to bring awareness to the perils of global warming since 1951 and whats more it discovered much earlier who was responsible-humans.Much earlier than any exaggerated or dodgy  scientific paper or evidence" he added.

At least they would have recognised  Jaden Smith's perfomance- wasn't he just cute; what a brat "

CCC organisers explained the films production had a way bigger carbon footprint to be considered 'good for the earth' and also no carbon credit paycheque has [as yet] been honoured to the LDC [ least developed country] involved namely Congo.

Phone calls to the director Scott Derrickson  and  20th Century Fox were not immediately returned.

And by the way, the GORT was too tall but damn!! why didn't he just say Klaatu barada nikto?

" the viewers must have been from Africa particularly sub- saharan so we ommited the phrase" said Lock Wess, the films publicist

" and given nobody  knew for a fact what Klaatu barada nikto actually meant, we were cautious. There's a pretty good chance it might mean 'nigger please, freeze or...leave' in any of the 3000plus  African dialects and nobody wanted any trouble with the NAACP[ National Association for the Advancement of Colonised People] " he concluded


©2009 newsync





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