MAN SACKED FOR WEARING ARSENAL JERSEY

NAIROBI, Kenya

An employee of Kenya Airways, Kenya’s national airline was apparently sacked for wearing an Arsenal FC (football club) tee shirt to a Kenya Airways sponsored   event at the Masai Mara.

replica of a career threatening shirt

Eyewitnesses say a Mr. Bosire, (former) corporate communications manager at the airline was assaulted by the Managing Director who shouted something at him before first pulling off his blazer then making away with the jinxed tee at a two in the morning after party before being fired the following morning and handed his shirt by HR, in a nice way.

Reliable sources believe the MD, Mr. Titus Naikuni was drunk.

Meanwhile, Arsenal FC (fan club) Kenya chapter released an official statement on their face book page condemning the act as yet another attempt to silence them while trampling their God given right to  freedom of worship and expression.

So far, no official statement from Kenya Airways or Naikuni has been made but sources close to both sides dispute “Arsenal” had anything to do with it.

“This is another classic reason why we lobbied hard for the Media Bill as a Corporate” said Klein (not his real name), some damage control guy, explaining their support of a recently passed media gagging bill.

“How do you wear our bitter rivals, “Fly Emirates” tee shirt to a Kenya Airways sponsored event? The key word here is sponsored. It seems Mr. Bosire here forgot who butters his bread and for a corporate communications manager he should have known better. Manchester United, Pepsi, CocaCola, Sydney--ring a bell? Oh! My bad, I forgot. He’s an Arsenal fan” added Klein (not his real name).

Lawyers representing Mr. Bosire have already pressed charges including but not limited to sexual assault leading to public humiliation and sources close to Mr. Naikuni’s counsel   have put up a strong defense to prove the KQ MD is a gentle person who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Following these unfolding events, the Kenya National Association of Professional Counsellors and KEPSA(Kenya Private Sector Alliance) have jointly warned the public against blind following of EPL teams which are deemed a threat to career development, cause grievous bodily harm  or  even death by hanging or falling from a storey building.

No names were given  for  legal reasons but Blackburn Rovers topped the list of much safer even therapeutic bet because  of their blue and white split jersey which experts said was sort of yin-yang-ish. Aston Villa came second because it sounds like a Hacienda or Manor, a major catalyst for positive thoughts.

As both parties prepared for their day in court, they jointly applied for  a trial Judge who doesn’t watch football.

Eneza

KENYA DEFENCE FORCES ADMITS STEALING

NAIROBI, Kenya-- After weeks of denying stealing anything from the Westgate Mall following attacks by the al-Shaaabab, the  Kenya Defence Forces have  finally admitted they stole bottled water from one of the supermarkets. This came on the wake of the latest damning  CCTV footage showing soldiers walking away with Nakumatt  shopping bags.

only 'Crystal' clear bottled water with the KEBS 'Diamond' mark of quality made it into those shopping bags

"Our soldiers just borrowed a few bottles of water. They were thirsty. We were going to pay for them afterwards " said Major Emmanuel Chirchir, the Kenya Military Spokesman.

Reports of the KDF stealing water from the mall started doing rounds on social media a few days after the four day siege with shop owners in  the mall reporting smashed water coolers, dispensers and Styrofoam plastic cups in their shops. The Military initially denied everything  with the Army  General Julius Karangi saying this was Propaganda by the al-Shabaab to make them look bad.

“Am not saying anyone stole anything. What am saying  is that 70percent of our pre attack bottled water stock  was un accounted for, post attack and that’s a lot  of bottled water for a supermarket” said Thiagarajan Ramamurthy, Director Nakumatt Holdings.

“It  must have been the al-Shabaab. We only took a few bottles. They use water before they pray and we have video evidence they prayed a lot in there you know” said General Karangi.

Most Kenyans were shocked by the reports from the beginning considering the Military is held in high esteem as the most disciplined forces on the continent and called for the immediate arrest of the soldiers involved but the military said that would be a bit tricky.

Since the CCTV footage didn’t capture the soldier’s faces directly it would be hard to profile. But he called upon the members of public who have watched the video to come forward with any clues which could identify the rogue soldiers like their height, build and the way they walked.

But some Kenyans sympathetic to the KDF wondered what all the fuss was about.

 “ it’s not like it’s  Abu Ghraib  or somebody used Sarin. It’s just our own little ‘Watergate” said Sam Amungo a Paralegal.

Meanwhile, 15 top immigration officials were fired as a result of the Westgate events including, but not limited to the missing bottled water.

Eneza

IQRA

In a chat room on the internet the following conversation took place

Excerpts

Me: hmm….wonder what a bank account and toothpaste have in common. Hint: Robert Ackerstrom

Phil Broderick: easy to take out but hard to put back.

Me: it’s refreshing to have a nigga who actually reads or listens to books. Congrats brotha

Phil: am not a nigga

Me: oh!  I wish you were. so my comments would come  to pass just like Dr. Kings “I Have A Dream”. We have a black president who’s ‘not that black’ just like the first black secretary of state

Phil: but am happy you are so I guess your prophecy is self fulfilling, literally.

Me:  sorry to bust your bubble dude. Am no nigga either, am African

Phil: can it be fixed

Me: no can do and am not waiting forty years

Phil: good luck.  You’ll need it

Me: yuck fou bro

“reading makes a  full man; conference makes a ready man; and writing an exact man” – Francis Bacon



Eneza

Oppan Gangrape Style

A charitable Delhi Hippie Band is suing Psy  for stealing  their idea for his  YouTube   hit Gangnam style. Speaking  to  reporters in the  aisle  of a commuter train the  group claims the original idea for the song  was sampled   from a single   titled ‘Gangrape Style’ off their yet to be released album  Jugaad .

with the floodgates of litigation open, the Indian government  is suing for breach of this Kamasutra patent

The Album is a parody of their sub continental society and their callousness on many matters including women, the caste system, curry and bathing on the river Ganges.  

According to our reliable sources the group also plans to sue the Korean Pop star for emotional distress and loss of revenue.

Asked why they didn’t release the single earlier the Band blamed government red tape for the delay.

“We had  to be approved by  the Indian film and censorship  board first  and that   meant deleting and/ or modifying some content which they found offensive which   meant we had to go back to the studio”  said Vimal  Ramamurthy.

“In short Psy beat us to it, he got there first and on YouTube it’s all about who gets there first. It seems  like we turned up on Friday for a cricket match that was played on Sunday  afternoon [previous week ]but that doesn’t mean  we don’t own the game” added  Vimal.

Fans agreed but critics asked why now, what were they waiting for all that time.  Their lawyers admit luck was not on their side either.

“ We  were   working on presenting  a  solid case gathering  electronic evidence  and reliable witnesses and that takes a little bit of time then came this….you know, that   bus thing”  their  lead  counsel  said referring  to the gang rape of a twenty  something  college girl in a bus, who later died in hospital while undergoing treatment.

According to their lawyers the  Delhi Band was  reluctant to go ahead with  litigation in the first place  preferring the  release of  the “Gangrape Style”  on YouTube to  go head to head  with the  intellectual property thief ‘Psycho’s’ so lame “Gangnam Style”

“We  figured maybe  if we just download it [on the internet] netizens will see through it and hopefully we will be able to rest  the case on who is the real McCoy and who is the  Joseph  Kony”  said  a confident Vimal  apparently   the defacto spokesperson of the Band.

“But Bam!!   Another 29 year old woman is raped, it’s on the networks and we decide screw   it!! We’re suing.” Added  Vimal.

Pundits and government officials agreed in unison it was a wise decision for two main reasons. Number one, they were screwed   anyways and like most things charity they needed the money badly.

Number two, posting such a potentially viral video like “Gangrape Style” by an Indian group, after back to back horrific headline hogging (f)actual gang rapes had the potential of doing more harm than good.

“ First, there is a chance of Pakistan promoting  it in a bad way, then it goes viral and that  would be a moral nuclear holocaust to our social standing  no matter  how noble the original intention. It would make India look bad. Second, it would be considered insensitive to the families and friends of those affected.  ” said India’s home minister  Sushilkumar Shinde in a statement some noted was sort of misplaced in priority, and paranoid.

As of time of press, the Delhi Band Lawyers were discussing an out of court settlement    following a proposal by the Band dubbed ‘One Pepper Spray  A Lady [OPSAL]”  but Psy lawyers warned on the logistical nightmare of providing more than half a billion pepper sprays in a country 758 times the size of Kenya…and their effectiveness as most new cases were evolving to gang rape style.

 Eneza

Obesity Killing Three Times More Than Malnutrition

Obesity has overtaken malnutrition as a leading child killer according to a new report. This has come as a surprise to most as all pointers showed the world running out of food since the world population hit the 7billion mark this year.

overnourished  is the new malnourished

“This is mockery”   said a representative    from End Hunger Now, a not-for-profit committed to ending hunger on the planet. “How could they do this to us” he re-iterated in reference to no one in particular.

Leaders  from the Horn of Africa condemned this report  explaining it will undo many  years of progress  made raising awareness on the ravages of hunger but pundits  feared  they  were more concerned  about  the potential  fallout as donors  might pull out based  on the misleading Lancet report.

As  policy makers  and dieticians pondered  their next move with an aim to focus on the root cause of obesity, focus groups warned emphasis on kids had the unpleasant   outcome of ignoring   adult   overweight’s, even alienating  them.

“But it could get worse. Resources   might be diverted   from other child killers such as Malaria, choking and ammunition” said Sarah  Aidkin a dietician  with the National Health Service.   

Data  also indicated  child mortality was  generally  down compared to a decade ago, 

 Apple maps  was  getting better  and   stuffed Turkey tasted better  this year than last.

A proposal by Sub-Saharan governments to  initiate a sort of exchange program  as a solution to the fattie malaise  where affected junior citizens from opposite sides of the hemisphere  would switch lifestyles  and location  for a year or two in  an attempt to reverse the trend was politely declined by Western governments  but proposal for  an Africa  for USA concert  is  under consideration   with KFC pledging free chicken nuggets to anyone who walks or bicycles to  the venue.

 Eneza

PAPARAZZI CCTVS ON MANDELA HOSPITAL

Following  Nelson Mandela’s  most  recent hospitalization major  competing  news  agencies spying on  him  were forced to review strategy.

A Reuters  source who requested anonymity due to the culturally sensitive nature of the topic admitted  there  being a plan B for “M-Plan” from the start in  anticipation for “Day-X” ; M-Plan referring to  general reportage preparations   incase of Mandela’s/Madiba’s death on day x.

AP spy  photo of Mandela's retirement home in Qunu, Eastern Cape Province

“Oh yeah, we have CCTV cameras trained towards the hospital as usual, and powerful  SLR’s  just awaiting  activation when the time comes--“Day X” could  just be  21/12/12. Epic scoop” added our source.

Asked if she was aware she was breaking South African law   she added as long as she was not caught filming anything   before his death, which she was not doing at the time of going to press then she had a pretty water tight case.

“If you think our activities are law breaking, you should  check out what  those  guys at AP are doing” she  concluded   referring to bank breaking tactics employed  by the Associated  Press which included  hiring nurses and other  “fixers”  to   capture The  inevitability using all means necessary.

Media houses often co-operate with each other but no, not this time. This is considered to be a huge event in a country where Mandela is revered as a Pope, Monarch and Statesman all rolled in one. 

This has not only driven up the asking price of quality informants   but most demand up to 60pc down payments   before taking position.

  

This has hit major broadcasters hard as there are no guarantees the target will succumb to inevitabilities in places they thought he would succumb to inevitabilities, places like his retirement home but most swear no expense will be spared.

“Obviously our option at the moment is to plant as many moles [in advance] in as many top hospitals just in case he has to transfer from the hospital he’s in right now to another for one reason or another. Yes  we have paid top Rand down payment  and yes we intend  to continue doing so for  as  long we have to because we believe the people of the world have the right to real time information and amateur  footage”  said Eugene DuPlessis an editor with a  top  local tabloid.

Asked whether outrageous anti competitive tactics like booking all hotel blocks in and around a hundred feet radius or block booking helicopters and helipads in the area to prevent others getting the aerial shot was still an option all agreed in unison.

As at the time of going to press, unconfirmed reports in twitter indicated Mandela was being flown to the United States for specialised treatment.

 



 Eneza

Study On Effects Of Second-Hand Smoke On Smokers Out

  BEYROUTH,  Liban[Lebanon]-  A new study by the Center for Waterpipe Smoking in Beirut has just concluded a study on the effects of secondary smoke on fellow smokers standing nearby, smoking.

Initially it was mocked and seen as a slap on the face of the generally known studies which investigated the effects of secondary smoke on non-smokers but the non-profit's director Dr. Faizal Kassim Baltasar explained the main aim was to explore an important  niche most often ignored.

" from WHO to the FDA[US Food and Drug Administration] everybody was talking about how secondary smoke was dangerous on non-smokers as it contained more than 4000 different harmful chemicals. But what about  the smokers inhaling this second smoke aren't they getting a double lethal dose and who was fighting for them" said Dr. Baltasar.

" If you want to smoke yourself to death at least leave your fellow smokers out of it" added Baltasar.

 
a comic book inspired 'one-at-a-time' proposals like the one above were hailed as the perfect solution by the Syrian Government since it solved the dilemma of the non-smoking taxpayer by charging the user. Ignore the print in red.

The study which showed smokers were at a higher risk of dying from  smoke of other smokers standing nearby, say, in public designated smoking areas, than non-smokers recommended  private single individual designated smoking areas like those in some European airports/public transit stations.

"We understand it's going to burn a hole in the taxpayers pocket but health first" said an anonymous sympathizer.

Most institutions were  not amused with some like the Americans for Non-smokers' Rights  saying an organization in  a country like Syria which just banned smoking the other day had no moral right.

"They just signed the law on 21st April 2010, small wonder they are still nostalgic about the smoker and now they are telling us to give health priorities to second-hand smoke smokers. I bet  Dr. Baltasar is  a closet smoker himself" said Dr. Jeff Brigg  director of communications for ANR.

Baltasar dismissed his statement as professional jealousies.

"My friend Jeff is forgetting we are the first Arab nation to ban smoking including the Narghile[waterpipe] in public areas in a country and region with a cultural history of smoking anything from Poppy to Camel shit. And now that we are the first to come up with this breakthrough study while they were smoking pot, and we are not American, well,i think Dr. Frankenstein is green with envy" said Baltasar.

 As of the time of press, the Americans for Non-smokers' Rights organization announced it was embarking on research to study the effects of second-hand smoke on the individual smoker, so just we may  know.

 NB: our French born/American-Israeli writer was barred entry to Syria. They suspected  he was an Israeli spy

Eneza

9/11 Hijackers Doing Just Fine, So They Say. Except One. Had A Bad Stomach

NEW YORK, New York- Nine years after 9/11, beneath ground zero sources have confirmed  all 19 hijackers were doing just fine except for Nawaq al-Hamzi one of the flight 77 hijackers which had crashed on the pentagon.

In a "Situation Room" like setting the 19 perpetrators of the worst  terror so far in American history allowed for a short, unedited interview sharing their thoughts and what they could have done different.

"He's having a serious bout of diarrhoea, i think it's the Tofu. Cuisine can be quite unpredictable in here" said Salem al-Hamzi a colleague and one of the 19 referring to his absent comrade.

Quickly veering away from matters of food the twenty something Salem said he had no regrets whatsoever and given another chance he wouldn't think twice about crashing a jumbo jet into an American establishment.

"Talking of Jumbo jets, i heard they got a Super-jumbo out. Too bad it's made in Europe" added Salem whereby Atta jumped in and  said that might not be so bad.

"Of course  you cannot equate the evilness of the E.U. to the U.S. but  with recent intelligence reports am getting from France, our rather erstwhile ally, i think rattling them a bit will bring them back to their senses and surrender in their anti burqa and hijab war" said Atta.

"A bomb scare on an A380 will do just fine in reminding them who's [still] boss in solid ground and the hereafter" concluded Atta.

Stressing to them that they were now in the afterlife and were powerless against beings above was interrupted by  an unexpected tongue lashing.

                         recommended read for most still haunted by those goons

"....point of correction. First of all who said we are below ground. Is Jannah[Paradise] below ground? Is that what your book says? Second of all where did you get the crazy idea our remains might be somewhere in a Manhattan dump site"  said  a foaming Satam al-Suqami of flight 11 during a flare up which caught me by surprise because i had not come to  that subject- yet.

After some calming down  by the others to forgive my  ignorance the hijackers admitted it gets lonely sometimes in Paradise.

"I miss home. If only they made the Khubz[Pita] just like my mama did i wouldn't be complaining. Neither would  Nawaq have to take those Tofus. He himself had no idea he was Soy[a] intolerant" said Salem.

This led me to inquire whether we could speak to the chief chef and what he had to say for himself but my request was flatly refused leaving me to suspect if indeed this interview was taking place in Heaven.

The room fell dead silent for a while and it seemed my next unscripted question was  unexpected when i inquired about, you know, the biggest and most interesting prize-the 72 virgins.

Mohammed Atta  finally broke the  silence  by  saying they are not free to discuss their sex lives with strangers but conceded babies, lots of them are there and  many others on their way at different stages after which everybody else  slowly filed out of the room, up a flight of quartzite stairs wearing contemptuous looks obviously fed up with either me, 'Heaven' or both.

That's the moment i snapped off my dream. I never had the time to snoop around to confirm if indeed i had actually had a glimpse of Paradise; or not.

There  is still a good chance the Boyz and Men might be doing just fine after all.

Eneza

Toyota Probox Chosen New Official Somali Wagon Of Choice

 EASTLEIGH, Nairobi- It's now official. The Easleigh council of elders[ Guurt Izili] a board mainly made up of Septogenarian[seventy somethings] Kenyan Somali businessmen has  unanimously passed a resolution declaring the Toyota Probox the official commercial use station wagon  in that region.

The Probox replaces the Toyota L-touring and it's sister wagon the G-touring which have faithfully and reliably served the region as the ultimate commercial wagons since 1996.

a picture of the wagon of choice with the right colour on one of  the  pamphlets to be distributed to all across Eastleigh

"Before that am not sure what was the official wagon but what am sure of is i really am going to miss my   Petrol engine, 1498cc, 262,900 km,Automatic baby " said an emotional Abdishukri Welli aka Abdi Warabe wiping a tear off his eye as he traded in his L-Touring at the Walay autos for a Probox to beat the August 31st deadline.

"It was like a member of the family" he added.

Indeed most Somalis treat their  station wagons as a  member of the family just like a pet lover does which presents  problems for the elders.

"Most families don't want to let go" said Dawood  one of the elders.

" But we understand that's why we allowed them to spend as much reasonable time as possible to say goodbyes before ushering in the new era of Proboxes.We are also carrying out free counseling sessions to make them understand change is the only constant in this life" added Dawood.

What about those who don't want to let go at all especially those who just bought their first L or G touring recently- Dawood admit there is little they can do about that but strongly believed peer pressure from business associates, family members, Imams and clan  will eventually carry the day.

"The Kenyan Somali is a civilised lot. We understand ours is a tightly knit community which places high value on family. Instead of brute force and unnecessary fines we are tapping into that soft power to eventually achieve our goals" explained an optimistic Dawood.

As of press time, Dawood had already acquired his brand new snow white KBM  Probox as a good example for others to follow suit.

" The preffered colour is white specifically to match with our robes during Friday Prayers but i understand we Somalis are so religious we wear robes seven days a week and because we also have a keen eye for Islamic fashion. They come in different colours from Islamic green to Kaaba black. So i believe the verdict is out" said Dawood addressing a press conference of local journalists outside the Sheikh Yusuf Masjid 7th street.

Though critics admit the Probox has slightly more trunk space, improved technology and more or less the same maneuverability as it's predecessors the L and G  series of wagons, it has no curves.

"it looks like bread" said Ali Sugow Dhahir a restaurant owner.

At the moment the directive only applies to the Somali community which are a majority in Eastleigh since as they put it "the council respects and recognises the freedoms  and  liberties of other communities in the area" but elders would like to see it apply to everyone without necessarily violating their freedoms.

The Guurt Izili is considering passing another resolution boycotting transportation services from non-Somalis without a non-compliant station wagon.

 Eneza