MAN SACKED FOR WEARING ARSENAL JERSEY

NAIROBI, Kenya

An employee of Kenya Airways, Kenya’s national airline was apparently sacked for wearing an Arsenal FC (football club) tee shirt to a Kenya Airways sponsored   event at the Masai Mara.

replica of a career threatening shirt

Eyewitnesses say a Mr. Bosire, (former) corporate communications manager at the airline was assaulted by the Managing Director who shouted something at him before first pulling off his blazer then making away with the jinxed tee at a two in the morning after party before being fired the following morning and handed his shirt by HR, in a nice way.

Reliable sources believe the MD, Mr. Titus Naikuni was drunk.

Meanwhile, Arsenal FC (fan club) Kenya chapter released an official statement on their face book page condemning the act as yet another attempt to silence them while trampling their God given right to  freedom of worship and expression.

So far, no official statement from Kenya Airways or Naikuni has been made but sources close to both sides dispute “Arsenal” had anything to do with it.

“This is another classic reason why we lobbied hard for the Media Bill as a Corporate” said Klein (not his real name), some damage control guy, explaining their support of a recently passed media gagging bill.

“How do you wear our bitter rivals, “Fly Emirates” tee shirt to a Kenya Airways sponsored event? The key word here is sponsored. It seems Mr. Bosire here forgot who butters his bread and for a corporate communications manager he should have known better. Manchester United, Pepsi, CocaCola, Sydney--ring a bell? Oh! My bad, I forgot. He’s an Arsenal fan” added Klein (not his real name).

Lawyers representing Mr. Bosire have already pressed charges including but not limited to sexual assault leading to public humiliation and sources close to Mr. Naikuni’s counsel   have put up a strong defense to prove the KQ MD is a gentle person who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Following these unfolding events, the Kenya National Association of Professional Counsellors and KEPSA(Kenya Private Sector Alliance) have jointly warned the public against blind following of EPL teams which are deemed a threat to career development, cause grievous bodily harm  or  even death by hanging or falling from a storey building.

No names were given  for  legal reasons but Blackburn Rovers topped the list of much safer even therapeutic bet because  of their blue and white split jersey which experts said was sort of yin-yang-ish. Aston Villa came second because it sounds like a Hacienda or Manor, a major catalyst for positive thoughts.

As both parties prepared for their day in court, they jointly applied for  a trial Judge who doesn’t watch football.

Eneza

KENYA DEFENCE FORCES ADMITS STEALING

NAIROBI, Kenya-- After weeks of denying stealing anything from the Westgate Mall following attacks by the al-Shaaabab, the  Kenya Defence Forces have  finally admitted they stole bottled water from one of the supermarkets. This came on the wake of the latest damning  CCTV footage showing soldiers walking away with Nakumatt  shopping bags.

only 'Crystal' clear bottled water with the KEBS 'Diamond' mark of quality made it into those shopping bags

"Our soldiers just borrowed a few bottles of water. They were thirsty. We were going to pay for them afterwards " said Major Emmanuel Chirchir, the Kenya Military Spokesman.

Reports of the KDF stealing water from the mall started doing rounds on social media a few days after the four day siege with shop owners in  the mall reporting smashed water coolers, dispensers and Styrofoam plastic cups in their shops. The Military initially denied everything  with the Army  General Julius Karangi saying this was Propaganda by the al-Shabaab to make them look bad.

“Am not saying anyone stole anything. What am saying  is that 70percent of our pre attack bottled water stock  was un accounted for, post attack and that’s a lot  of bottled water for a supermarket” said Thiagarajan Ramamurthy, Director Nakumatt Holdings.

“It  must have been the al-Shabaab. We only took a few bottles. They use water before they pray and we have video evidence they prayed a lot in there you know” said General Karangi.

Most Kenyans were shocked by the reports from the beginning considering the Military is held in high esteem as the most disciplined forces on the continent and called for the immediate arrest of the soldiers involved but the military said that would be a bit tricky.

Since the CCTV footage didn’t capture the soldier’s faces directly it would be hard to profile. But he called upon the members of public who have watched the video to come forward with any clues which could identify the rogue soldiers like their height, build and the way they walked.

But some Kenyans sympathetic to the KDF wondered what all the fuss was about.

 “ it’s not like it’s  Abu Ghraib  or somebody used Sarin. It’s just our own little ‘Watergate” said Sam Amungo a Paralegal.

Meanwhile, 15 top immigration officials were fired as a result of the Westgate events including, but not limited to the missing bottled water.

Eneza

IQRA

In a chat room on the internet the following conversation took place

Excerpts

Me: hmm….wonder what a bank account and toothpaste have in common. Hint: Robert Ackerstrom

Phil Broderick: easy to take out but hard to put back.

Me: it’s refreshing to have a nigga who actually reads or listens to books. Congrats brotha

Phil: am not a nigga

Me: oh!  I wish you were. so my comments would come  to pass just like Dr. Kings “I Have A Dream”. We have a black president who’s ‘not that black’ just like the first black secretary of state

Phil: but am happy you are so I guess your prophecy is self fulfilling, literally.

Me:  sorry to bust your bubble dude. Am no nigga either, am African

Phil: can it be fixed

Me: no can do and am not waiting forty years

Phil: good luck.  You’ll need it

Me: yuck fou bro

“reading makes a  full man; conference makes a ready man; and writing an exact man” – Francis Bacon



Eneza

Oppan Gangrape Style

A charitable Delhi Hippie Band is suing Psy  for stealing  their idea for his  YouTube   hit Gangnam style. Speaking  to  reporters in the  aisle  of a commuter train the  group claims the original idea for the song  was sampled   from a single   titled ‘Gangrape Style’ off their yet to be released album  Jugaad .

with the floodgates of litigation open, the Indian government  is suing for breach of this Kamasutra patent

The Album is a parody of their sub continental society and their callousness on many matters including women, the caste system, curry and bathing on the river Ganges.  

According to our reliable sources the group also plans to sue the Korean Pop star for emotional distress and loss of revenue.

Asked why they didn’t release the single earlier the Band blamed government red tape for the delay.

“We had  to be approved by  the Indian film and censorship  board first  and that   meant deleting and/ or modifying some content which they found offensive which   meant we had to go back to the studio”  said Vimal  Ramamurthy.

“In short Psy beat us to it, he got there first and on YouTube it’s all about who gets there first. It seems  like we turned up on Friday for a cricket match that was played on Sunday  afternoon [previous week ]but that doesn’t mean  we don’t own the game” added  Vimal.

Fans agreed but critics asked why now, what were they waiting for all that time.  Their lawyers admit luck was not on their side either.

“ We  were   working on presenting  a  solid case gathering  electronic evidence  and reliable witnesses and that takes a little bit of time then came this….you know, that   bus thing”  their  lead  counsel  said referring  to the gang rape of a twenty  something  college girl in a bus, who later died in hospital while undergoing treatment.

According to their lawyers the  Delhi Band was  reluctant to go ahead with  litigation in the first place  preferring the  release of  the “Gangrape Style”  on YouTube to  go head to head  with the  intellectual property thief ‘Psycho’s’ so lame “Gangnam Style”

“We  figured maybe  if we just download it [on the internet] netizens will see through it and hopefully we will be able to rest  the case on who is the real McCoy and who is the  Joseph  Kony”  said  a confident Vimal  apparently   the defacto spokesperson of the Band.

“But Bam!!   Another 29 year old woman is raped, it’s on the networks and we decide screw   it!! We’re suing.” Added  Vimal.

Pundits and government officials agreed in unison it was a wise decision for two main reasons. Number one, they were screwed   anyways and like most things charity they needed the money badly.

Number two, posting such a potentially viral video like “Gangrape Style” by an Indian group, after back to back horrific headline hogging (f)actual gang rapes had the potential of doing more harm than good.

“ First, there is a chance of Pakistan promoting  it in a bad way, then it goes viral and that  would be a moral nuclear holocaust to our social standing  no matter  how noble the original intention. It would make India look bad. Second, it would be considered insensitive to the families and friends of those affected.  ” said India’s home minister  Sushilkumar Shinde in a statement some noted was sort of misplaced in priority, and paranoid.

As of time of press, the Delhi Band Lawyers were discussing an out of court settlement    following a proposal by the Band dubbed ‘One Pepper Spray  A Lady [OPSAL]”  but Psy lawyers warned on the logistical nightmare of providing more than half a billion pepper sprays in a country 758 times the size of Kenya…and their effectiveness as most new cases were evolving to gang rape style.

 Eneza