Jobs convinces the world to buy something they didn't even know they needed-again

CUPERTINO,Ca-Apple Computer Inc. CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs was at it, again, doing what he does best when not shouting at helpless employees at HQ, or in and out of hospital.

He was preaching the gospel of it's newest product the iPad formerly known as the iTablet or maybe iTab.

For a product that is yet to hit the market, the iPad is touted by many technology pundits and TechTrendTrackers, a leading [San Francisco]Bay area fad consultancy as the 'ultimate iPhone and MacBook killer in a single blow and possibly,Macgod forbid, the iPod.

 

ipad, imate, islate,islut, ifly idon't really care-Steve Ballmer CEO Microsoft

This assumption may not be as far fetched following rather lackluster performances of competitor products which analysts believed would kill, with particular reference to 'that massively successful Apple touchy feely thingee phone'.

Yes that over hyped single page loading, non-impressionable touch screen iphone.

"Palm Inc. came out strongly initially with the PalmPre and the Pharisees asked; are you Elijah-the iphone killer?"

"No i am not as we found out" relayed Methusela Wickrematunge a full time freelance technology blogger.

"Then came the Blackberry Bold and we asked; are you Moses-the iphone killer"

"no I AM not"

"Then finally a truly serious competitor by Google inc. in the form of the Nexus One which went something like-am the voice in the wilderness preparing the way for the iphone killer"

"And we figured right but we hope it will at least turn out to be an iphone denter " concluded Methusela.

Although Jobs denied the ipad is not designed to kill any of it's predecessors much less the crown bejewelled iphone series of smart phones, he admitted it was something of a compromise between a big iphone and a much thinner MacBook- both life and death essentials for any self respecting..well..computer person and a person who is into phones.

Picking up on matters of life he did not shy away from making it clear it was designed to kill that much publicised Microsoft stylised[using a stylus] tablet PC which never experienced the flashing lights and thunderous applause of a well choreographed tablet launch presentation.

"oh! that CES[consumer electronics show] 'Microserf' based tablet...what was it's name again?" said Jobs giving a look into the future gaze and head slant trying hard to recall.

"Ooops! i forgot. it didn't even have a name" he added.

Meanwhile, Amazon.com promised it's latest version of the Kindle as soon online audio book and music CD sales picked up. Rumoured to be the A-kindle, after the initial B-kindle name was rejected by marketing' supposedly because A comes before B in the english alphabet and 'A' stood for many good things like 'A'-list and sometimes the painful but necessary 'Abandon'.

Jeff Bezos was mad.

It is expected to rekindle the sluggish Kindle sales and hopefully reduction of price to follow through economies of scale thereby appealing to the mass market.

"iPad, iPod don't have, i buy" said Li Xeonjin 25, queuing[standing in line] outside the Sanlitun Apple store in Beijing to purchase an iPad on being mis-informed by scammers.

"When Apple bring iPhone in China" he asked us.

We thought they already had the iPhonne.


©2010 newsync



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Fat people resist and desist paying for two seats in a plane

TOULOUISE,France-Following the recent onslaught on fat people to pay for two seats in a one way flight in the event they were flying economy class, fat people all over the world have finally decided enough is enough with this anatomical discrimination.

 Overweight not obese. Call me that again and am gonna blow your skinny ass


Trent Budgwood, chairman FAT.org[Full Anatomy Travellers] an organisation committed to the comfort travel of above average girthed individuals moving from point A to point B expressed outrage at the policy being floated by a French airline.

"That episode of '99 is still as fresh in my mind as my breakfast mozzarella Buffalo milk cheese" refering to an event in 1999 whereby Frenchman Monsieur Jean-Paul Touze was refused access to an Air France-KLM plane for China because of his illness.

"If America managed to lift that ridiculous ban on HIV people flying into the US what example are the airlines showing to the rest of the world by denying visibly healthy albeit sick people trying to board a stupid 747" he said.

"He wasn't even coughing at the time for crying out loud" he added

His sentiments were echoed by the French secretary of state for the family madame Nadine Morano.

"If people have to pay twice because of their illness, i find that shocking" she said.

Air France-KLM, which has been fighting a ten year constant losing battle with fat,overweight and obese people finally sensed this was their day to carpe diem[seize the day] and win the war.

"It's been an acrimonious decade long fight to bring some equity in this industry. No man or woman should be fatter than the other and the fatter you are,well, their is a price to pay " said Louis Deveroux communications manager for the airline.

"2010 is our year of victory against the fatties" he added.

Though most thin and average bodied travellers, students and returners interviewed were in support of the new rules, airplane manufacturers believed the main problem is size of the planes not the people.

"Airlines should go for bigger planes and retire the Embra...er!! smaller planes and other smaller fleets including our own and invest in the Airbus A380 Super Jumbo" said Charles Champion, head of Engineering Airbus Industrie, the main civilian plane maker in Europe and a subsidiary of EADS.

" and whoever thinks the majority of today's kids will fit in the 18.75inch seats must be dreaming; head thousands of feet in the sky and i don't have to mention the name of the plane they're probably in" added Champion.

With the European overweight people threatening legal action backed by the financial and literal might and size of fat.org, Air France-KLM PR people loosened up the conditions; a 25percent discount for the second seat and full refund in cases of underbooking [where the flight is not full].

Mr. Bugdwood was politely asked to deplane a South West at the Chicago O'Hare International Airport on his way to lend moral support to organisation members across the Atlantic.

Leaked sources suggested South West management was considering similar measures in a review of their 1990 'Spilling Over And Protruding Passengers Policy[SOAPP].


©2010 newsync





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Homeless man quietly smiling to himself as reporting on Haiti slows down

It was observed Christopher Walken 55, haggard looking male 5'11 and a regular at the homeless shelter run by Unity Of Greater Canal street could afford a smile across his chubby face after a whole week of grumpiness and not wanting to talk to his street mates for no known reason.

"jeez!! I haven't seen anything quite like it but good ol' Walken sure did smile for the first time in a long week" said Adelaide Schumperd a close friend and reliable buddy in the once mean streets of New Orleans.

"If it was the cold that got him all worked up then he should have said so. But i guess he got only himself to blame" said Schumperd referencing the several occasions she had invited him to stay over at the shelter 'at least for the night' only for him to nod in agreement, dipping his Pita[bread] in soup and as soon as he was done,head straight back to the street alley he came from.

    

                   a street artists rendering of  Christopher Walken

 "or maybe it's the lots of black people around here" she added.Not that Chris  is white or coloured or something but the beating he got at the subway last Kwanzaa or the argument about a Hanukkah candle stand which left him with a broken nose has left him with an unfounded fear of anybody black and not well dressed.


Sources within the homeless shelter confirmed the homeless man's general mood had shifted from one of optimism,then general despair and senseless bitterness to optimism, even radiance all in a record time period of about six days give or take a day or two.

It wasn't immediately clear what the cause of sudden happiness to such a lonely soul and by no definition social lion could be so contended on the inside but experts speculated it must have had anything to do with Haiti since this homeless tramp's level of happiness suddenly shooting off the chats incidentally coincided with the ebb in tv, newspaper and blogosphere quake reports from the same place.

"hey, don't get me wrong. Am not saying the poor guy is a sadist or suchlike but doesn't it raise curiosity this same man kept watching with glee as boxes upon boxes of guava juice and macaroni were being loaded on the 18wheeler- Haiti bound." said Frank Joopler a clinical psychiatrist.

"or so am told" he added.

"okay, in my honest opinion, a female relation of his just got out of the rubble after twelve days with no food or water. Medical science can't explain that now can it; hallelujah!!" concluded Joopler


Efforts to get Chris to shed some light on his new found emotional well being bore no fruit even with the wiring of Schumperd to go undercover and squeeze the scoop out of his tiny frame.

" he seems to be moving places everyday and by the time i pin him down at the soup shelter it's all grunts, uhmms and mmmhs- it's like am interrupting his dinner" said Schumperd.

"but gawd do i love to see him smile after a sumptuous meal of ..."

Before he could finish, we spotted Chris catching a nap under a bridge. Not a so perfect time maybe but might be our only chance.

After half an hour of chit chat, we realised he was not as bad as society and the media made him look like. Just a simple man with a love for media attention, free grub and the occasional drink-pretty much like you and me.

The devastation of Haiti almost took that away from him-if for a week.

"and am as sure as two by two is four i ain't speaking for myself on this" said Chris.

Let's see how he will cope emotionally when all will be headed to Haiti for the decade of reconstruction. Hope he chokes on those meatball treats at the center.Such a selfish bugger.

©2010 newsync





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An Avalanche devastates Ski Dubai, investigators believe it was man made

DUBAI,UAE-An indoor avalanche has reportedly hit one of the largest indoor ski resorts in the world the Ski Dubai, Saturday 03:50hrs E.A.T . The installation which is part of a mega shopping mall, the Mall of the Emirates and run by the Majid Al-Futtaim Group of companies, a leader in the mall building industry in the region, was so damaged it had to close indefinitely.

 Not much sympathy from green activists. Three thousand gallons per day for cooling only is no cow fart GHG[green house gas(es)]

The most affected parts were the 400 metre black-run[difficult region]of the skiing infrastructure due to its steep slope which accelerated the speed of the frozen wave.

Also the sled and toboggan runs suffered extensive damage warranting thousands of dollars in repair work.

Though no one was reported seriously hurt or trapped underneath the snow, workers caught up in the Jabal Theluj, the 85 meter tall artificial mountain inside the resort where initial speculation believes the avalanche was triggered reported cases of acute hypothermia.

"We were trapped on the man made mountain side for hours shouting for help but given the three football field size of the resort, i guess no one could hear us" said one of the workers whom we will call Jamal, wrapped in a hospital bed sheet in the 45 degree heat outside, anger showing up in his eyes.



"Thank God a guard who was doing the patrols on this part of the resort managed to hear cries of some of our colleagues trapped working in the ice cave blunting sharp stalagmites and stalactites who then alerted him of our presence up there" he added.

The catastrophe raised security concerns about the safety of indoor ski-ing and whether the management or indeed the Kingdom was doing enough to ensure the safety of skiers,trainers, other ski resort attendants and workers in the nearby themed coffee shops and cafes.

 That plastic fur tree, and that other one were miraculously spared by that force of [man made] nature


"Alhamdulillah Isn't it amazing the cave roof didn't collapse with the sheer force and momentum of a 10 foot thick sheet of slow traveling at forty kilometres an hour? of course not that's because we have reinforced concrete supporting the cave roof" said a sarcastic Abdulhakim Farjala the general manager, fending off criticism.

Jamal's colleagues nevertheless begged to differ with their boss.

"He should see the headless torsos of the snow-men in the snowman-making area.Am not sure if we should all feel lucky this happened by night or unlucky it happened at all"


Though tough repair work was moving swiftly and most parts of the resort which suffered partial damage or no damage were planned to open again for the public within the next seven days, chilling revelations started emerging about the possibility of a man made avalanche from the whole 'catastrophe'.

Summarily dismissed executives from Al-Futtaim leaked copies of classified emails to selected news outlets about a 'deliberate attempt to suffocate the ski-Dubai.'

The board was apparently not happy with their spot as the third largest indoor ski resort in the world. And with the thaw in the building sector, banks not lending and the Abu Dhabi bailout package not including private enterprise, well, there was only one way out.

"The board was desperate to see SnowWorld Landgraaf play second fiddle and i raised the Insurance money idea. Specific pawns had to make sure the snow machine didn't stop purring and the temperatures in the fins under the run had to play above zero [for the thaw]" said our informer, a former employee and obviously a big time pawn in the botched conspiracy.

As usual we couldn't get through to Al-Futtaim for comment. The CEO was allegedly at the Burj Khalif for some official function.

We figured.


©2010 newsync





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Why Bill Gates rejoined facebook

REDMOND,Washington-A year after leaving the most popular networking site, the world's richest man has rejoined the world's most popular networking site.

Initially, Gates joined the site as an individual but sooner rather than later his ego and anti-competition competitive streak reminded him he was more than that, probably bigger than that. After days of tossing and turning he just couldn't take it anymore.

Am a member, just a member, maybe the two hundred and ninety fifth millionth member,just another Facebook statistic; " gawd!! am just a number- i can't believe this. Am Bill Gates for chrissake".

But he couldn't just wake up one day and leave, oh no! the world would want answers, the world would want to know why and the world doesn't like the truth- hello! world! can you hear me?

So he had to come up with something. Am famous[Ashton Kutcher has more followers than a string of code covering two entire computer screens].

People like me[tell that to DOJ-Jobs is way cool].

"it was just way too much trouble so i gave it up" a polite way of saying i just couldn't keep up with the thousands of friend requests huh! Some fact there but not the truth. They were not your friends they were attracted by the money[still can't believe they believed they could get some] and the celebrity banter.

They are Americans duh!

And who the hell is that kid Zuckerberg. I heard he stole some code from some friends of his. Little shameless thief; am out of here.

...One year later

hey,Ray [Ozzie], Steve [Ballmer] don't we own a 240 million dollar piece of that facebook thing? that's 1.6 percent of the pie right. Maybe i should just go back and who knows...heheh nobody knows the future.

Finally, he returned but to save face, not just as a mere member but as a page. Neat huh!

Twitty bird overhead all and threatened to tell all.

Gates was left will little choice but join twitter as well and his first tweet- Hello world; i mean you no harm

Welcome to the world Bill


©2010 newsync





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Senegalese President proposes new state of Haiti in Africa

DAKAR- Senegalese President Abdoulaye Wade has proposed the carving out of a nation for the habitation of quake stricken Haitians. It still is not clear whether this is meant as a temporary measure or for keeps.

Wade stated he will take his case to the AU for discussion and try to convince member countries to give up some of their hard fought territories to their brothers who are currently as good as stateless.

Though the gesture was seen by many as compassionate and timely,most of the continents cartographers were skeptical of the practicality of such a move.

"We understand the President's motives are for the best but it's easier for him to talk about giving away land when most of that land is, honestly speaking, good for nothing barren desert" said Salif Baghani an Algerian geographical map drafter.

With these kinds of popular sentiment gathering momentum, Senegalese officials were forced to announce publicly they will be giving part of their fertile land too.

                               one hell of a hot piece of real estate


And the international community eager not to be seen doing nothing about the imminent repatriation of Haitians, Japan retrofitted several of it's man made islands for temporary habitation as plans and civil works were underway to construct a single, large island with a capacity of ten million plus.

"This should make our brothers feel like they're home...er! sorry, home is not a good comparison now" said Hichiro Tepanyaki, lead architect of project 'Isle of Many'.

"To make room for expansion at the same time check immigration, the offshore habitat will be as far out of the sea of Japan as the eye can't see" he added.

Haitian President Rene Preval politely declined the offer after a short de-briefing on the town of Kobe.

With international interference out of the way, Africa now stood a better chance of offering a better place for it's own.

" we might be poor with not enough to feed ourselves let alone give away, but we sure are rich in natural resources and that's how we will show we care. We are in it for the long haul" Said AU Chairman Muammar al-Gaddafi who is also the Libyan President.

Indeed, geography the size of Africa with just over a billion in population-the continent sure has more than enough room for one more country.

A proposed site for the Haitian nation in Africa includes somewhere in the middle of the Sahara after it was unanimously agreed the minority Berber tribes still surviving there will be forcefully driven up the dunes.

To make the transition from an islanders way of life to that of a desert warrior thus ensure smooth acclimatisation, Haitians will settle first in the coastal Liberian towns of Buchanan, Greenville and Harper before moving over to Libya and Algeria for Camel ride classes.


©2010 newsync





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Western media under -fire for under-reporting on the middle east for a whole week

Middle East[News Ync.]- The Western media have come under fire for reporting very little or nothing at all from their favourite hot spot the middle east at least for the past week.

This has left a multitude of followers of the middle eastern conflict in the dark as to the unfolding events in the volatile region leading many to speculate there was a signing of a now week long cease fire in place or, maybe a peace deal has finally been reached.

" i don't care whether it was a cease fire or a peace deal signed hush hush but what i know is our constitution guarantees me the right to information and i want to be the first to know what's going on there" said one north American interested party.

" i check the newspaper each morning and watch satellite tv every evening.As usual am greeted with pictures of utter destruction and I say well, that might be just another Israeli air strike,or just a reminder of who's in charge but on closer observation i notice the people emerging from every direction are way tanner than ordinary Palestinians" said Bashev al-Nasrani.

"Then it dawns on me this is not Palestine at all. I make an educated guess; Afghanistan or Yemen but it just doesn't add up".

Al-Nasrani is only one of thousands of faithful followers of the military drama that is the middle east and the fact that the series has not been airing on his favourite tv channel is not funny.

Asked why he doesn't switch to Al-Jazeera or Abu Dhabi tv instead, Nasrani said Arab satellite channels contain too many special effects which 'distorts reality on the ground'.

 Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas aka Abu Mazen  outlining the PLO's  strategy of a return of the region's news to the top of search engines like  Ask Jeeves and Infoseek


"I demand reality tv like news-no plastic blood"

"This has forced me to tune in to the BBC Urdu service on radio but hearing is not the same as hearing and watching put together. it's just not the same " said the news follower in the relative safety and comfort of his bedsitter Bhagdad apartment.

The Western media was at pains explaining why they had not reported on the plight of the Palestinian people for a straight week and with critics singling out the deployment [by a respected media house] of as many as eight journalists indefinitely to a small city, all expenses paid was hard to justify.

But fair minded individuals in the Arab world have chosen not to focus blame so much on the western media but rather do some soul searching to discover why they were no longer relevant as a news making destination.

" It's time for the Arab world to stop depending on the Western media for free press and exposure and start thinking of what they can do to make themselves news worthy" said Ulamaa Jabal Tarik an Egyptian scholar.

"it's a competitive world out there" he concluded.

Amid all the accusations and counter denials, there was a bright spot in this media blackout. Hamas announced on a little known radio station it is postponing any mortar attacks on Israeli settlements till world attention turns to their part of the world. Whilst the Israeli government welcomed this announcement, the Kneset admitted it had missed a perfect opportunity to hit hard on their opponents without many people knowing about it.

" I got a hunch this is just a passing fad and the world will pay us due attention as it always has since the times of the Babylonians, Sumerian civilisations and the wise King Suleiman[Solomon]" said Bakhri Salum a Hamas general.

"We always find a way of forcing ourselves into the agenda"


©2010 newsync





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Global Insurance Industry blames a higher power for financial ruin

The Asian, European and Americas Health and Life Insurance Companies popularly known as HLIC's presented a unified statement Monday 17th 2010 to religious leaders of the world expressing 'concern' about their future liquidity thereby ability to honour policy holders claims 'if things continue to go the way they are going'.

" By ushering the new year at Times Square we felt a sigh of relief since we figured the worst decade of our industry thus far, was finally behind us. This was the time for a new start" said Charlie Wiewereit a New Yorker and US policy sales representative for Groupement Francais d'Assurance [GFA].

" But alas, look what we have in our hands right now- and the first month of the year has not hit 20th yet" he added

          the Insurance industry is fed with settling third party damages


The Vatican which received the statement early morning by email stated the insurance company needed their help.

"we were not sure how exactly to reply or what a small city state could do to help a mammoth industry like the insurance industry".

" reading the fine print, i think they wanted us to intercede on their behalf but strongly favoured intervention and/or mediation [between their industry and God] but If that didn't work we confess them" said Cardinal Fabrizio Caperalli the Vatican communications director.

"Well, they didn't exactly use the word 'God' but 'Heaven' can as well give you a good idea of whom they were referring to and i commend them for not mentioning the name of God in vain " he concluded.

Emerging reports from industry insiders apparently blame the meteoric rise of claims and collapse of many of HLIC's members as attributable to 'acts of God' for the most part of the last decade.

" i don't want to go to details of the major acts of [Him] 'youknowhomamtalkin'about' which cost us a lot of money in claims but i believe the overwhelming evidence is clear in everyone's eyes and memories. Humanity is our jury" said Mark Drisbell an executive board member of Allianz.

On posing the question of a possible civil suit against 'Him' as hinted by Drisbell, the President of a Canadian HLIC said they didn't want any trouble and just wanted to go on with their business.

"As a Canadian insurer, our liquidity and is quite healthy". said Peter Drake.

But he didn't stop short of criticising their big neighbours unethical business tactics of confusing clients with technical jargon thus under insuring them.

" The One high above notices every injustice against any policy holder. Even if we win a case against Him, he will surely get back at us- as usual, out of court. Your most incompetent risk analyst and legal officer will advise you against it. The damages caused will not be worth the effort." he concluded.


©2010 newsync





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As they mark forty four years after the Biafran war, Nigerian Citizens slowly seceding from their government

LAGOS,Nigeria-Unofficial reports and studies claim it is widely believed the Nigerian people are usurping power [peacefully] from their government unto themselves in effect forming a people's government headed by,well,each and every one fifty million plus men, women and children inhabitants of that oil rich west African country

"this is the best news of the new year" said Thomas Ogwe Odekwueme a foreman at a building and construction company in Kaduna state and a father of five. " at long last after decades of back to back bloody military coups and corrupt civilian rule we can finally govern ourselves" he added.

 the people's government has been running it's own film industry for quite some time now. By Nigerians, for the world



Though it was unclear to many ordinary Nigerians what a people's government is, political scientists interviewed explained "in theory it is a government by the people, for the people, through the people".

But leading global intellectuals questioned whether this new system of governance which has never been tried and tested anywhere in the world would succeed for Nigeria especially given it is an invention of and from a developing country .

Proponents within gave an example of People power, an invention of the Filipino people which has been successfully replicated in several European countries as the Velvet revolution, Rose revolution and Orange revolution in the Czech republic, Ukraine and Georgia respectively.

"yes,i do agree we might encounter some hiccups like in the case of Orange Democratic Movement[ODM] in Kenya; trying to unseat an incumbent. But we Nigerians have learnt to learn from other people's mistake and the use of the word 'Democratic' is a big no no and as you noted above 'revolution' is definitely the key word here which holds more weight than a mere 'movement' " said Prof. Aaron Abayomi Ewedafe a literature lecturer at the University of Ibadan

"History too has numerous lessons. Che Guevara ran a revolution not a movement; i believe there is a marked difference. If only the Kenyan political elite would have read more on our successful coups" he added.

Although a peoples government is considered leaderless, in practice the man still remains the head of the house, children go to school and women still work outside the home but are encouraged to stay at home, fetch water and firewood and take good care of the children; males to head future homes and females to take care of tommorows households.

The police and the army will keep functioning and so will the government ministries, courts and even the cabinet a fact which pacified many pessimists, put at ease international skeptics and those generally fearful of radical changes in the scheme of things.

But things were not rosy in every corner of this large behemoth of a county. With the lack of a federal government to fight, the Niger Delta rebels, juntas, militants and oil bunkerers[people/militants stealing oil from pipelines by diversion or bursting them up] faced a bleak future in this people's government knowing very well they will be beaten up [by their people] if they cause chaos in the name of defending their people from a government which doesn't exist.

With the peoples government comes greater self monitoring and freedom and with transparency and freedom comes responsibility thus the Nigerian people should brace themselves for tasks like providing their own drinking water,electricty and transport.

"but this is what we have been doing since independence and we have been doing fine without a president too at least for the last fifty days" said Chimeka, a bubbly twenty something entrepreneurial lady running a restaurant in Lagos as we walked along a patch of tarmac which she built with her own money, leading to her restaurant.


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Donors scramble, fight, argue in a tight race to deliver aid to Haiti

PORT-AU-PRINCE(News Ync.)- It is reported International donors and charitable organisations are falling over themselves in desperate efforts to deliver relief supplies to the earthquake stricken Haitians.

Not that it is a bad thing aid organisations are in a hurry to help out and save lives but the alleged 'relief race' has been raising tempers which undercuts staff morale and the all important co-operation and co-ordination of relief supplies amongst the dozens or maybe hundreds of humanitarian groups in the country.

"this is crazy" said Michelle Balle of Oxfam France holding the bridge of her nose not from the stench of dead and decomposing bodies[may the lord rest their souls] but a half litre bottle of mineral water hurled at her by a British aid worker in anger.

Apparently they were arguing whether a case of mineral water,a precious commodity even at the best of times in Haiti, should go first to the thirsty pregnant women or the children facing dehydration.

Eventually desperate youth overpowered them and took off- plus the water.


In another incident, American marines brought in to provide escort and security in the streets insisted on profiling aid workers from countries on their terror watch list before being escorted deep into the areas worst affected.

So they don't blow up anything or anyone.

"With all do respect we have seen enough [death] and destruction. Any structure in this epicenter which was not brought down by the quake, was definitely flattened by the aftershocks" said Ahmed Mushkat an aid worker.

While the squabbles were mostly petty, over things like which organisation should go where and why, each determined to be the first to reach where no help had reached or put bluntly, no other aid organisation had reached, the issue was also taking an international dimension leading to diplomatic embarrassments.

France wanted to know from FAO why they couldn't bring in french fries and demanded to know why the American commander denied their ambulance planes permission to land.

"airport security is a serious issue in our country and hell no foreign plane [except Haitian] requiring air traffic control is gonna land here and this has got nothing to do with the tower not workin'" said Capt. Jimmy Keefe

" they could have used the sea for crying out loud. This island is surrounded by water and for the record our hospital ship USNS Comfort is due in a few days" he added.

Meanwhile, Iran blamed the West for the 7.o Richter quake

Though the Haitians are thankful to the international community for showing so much concern and compassion then moving swiftly to help in their time of need, President Rene Preval said this was an extremely difficult situation and urged everybody to keep their cool, do co-ordination and not throw accusations at each other.

Nevetheless aid was still trickling slowly albeit all the competition from a multitude of aid and humanitarian agencies both private and public.

And with the people growing impatient, desperate and demented thus resorting to looting and other criminal activities Israel announced it would bring in the Bulldozers to clear the way thus speeding things up.

NB: we had to push and shove our way through a mob of reknowned international journalists, each eager to be the first to let you know


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Tanzania 'disappointed' at being passed over by an eclipse that passed over the Indian Ocean,

The Tanzanian government expressed disappointment over a Solar eclipse spectacle which showed up in all East African countries but their own.

"Saying we are disappointed is actually a polite way of saying we're angry which in turn is a lesser polite way of saying we're mad" said Mrs. Shamsa Mwangunga, Tanzania's Tourism minister, unconsciously bringing out the polite, hospitable and diplomatic nature of the Tanzanian people at large.

The Solar eclipse which was initially hyped by the country's media to pass by obviously didn't live up. Though scientific co-ordinates argued otherwise and blamed the media, the radio people claimed the pressure was unbearable.

" How do you start telling 38 million plus people they won't see the moon come between the sun and the earth while right in their backyard their neighbours are being told otherwise huh! tell me" said Saidi Bemba a local radio jockey.

" this is a once in a blue moon stuff they only see on tv and newspapers. And the breaking news it will also be sighted in Somalia was not very helpful" he added.

"Our country's location is 6°18′25″S 34°51′14″E / 6.307°S 34.854°E / -6.307; 34.854 and was clearly on the eclipse's flight path i believe" reiterated the Commander-in-Chief Jakaya Mrisho Kikwete quoting some prepared Ministry of Defence co-ordinates.

" what have we done to the moon and/or sun god to deserve this kind of planetary alienation" he added rubbing his eyes with a hankie.

Renowned medicine men had no ready answers either as they said it was too early and even dangerous to consult the Mizimu [Oracles] immediately.

"let their anger dissipate after a while".

      they will have to wait till 3043.Hopefully their legendary patience will serve them well

But word from the Lake Victoria towns of Mwanza and Shinyanga allege it has something to do with the targeted "maltreatment" and/or "profiling" of people of little or no pigmentation.

The government denies these as baseless superstition.

Some even blame the Kenyan citizens for stealing from them this golden opportunity of not only seeing the sun and moon coming together in a tango but the associated tourist revenues in hotel bookings and sale of home made Polaroid eclipse watching sun glasses.

"well, am not sure how they would have pulled it off. Maybe nudge our country slightly to the south east from the Vanga border post-while we were fast sleep or taking a siesta of course, or pulled a string here or there...nevertheless, i wouldn't be surprised to hear our greedy neighbours had a role to play in this interplanetary conspiratory dance" said Balozi Mwapumbu a Clam fisherman in a characteristic poetic prose of the Oysabey[swahili corruption of Oyster Bay] residents,through our translator.

The Kenyan Ambassador to Tanzania denied there was any mistrust or bad blood real or imagined between them and their polite neighbours with whom they share a wonderful common national language and immediately moved to point out the swift progress of integration talks of the East African Community.

"When we become one block of intertwined economies, there will be no losers... really. We get an eclipse, you don't; we're brothers we share"

As reassuring as the Ambassador's words sounded, the facts on the ground remained the same and ordinary Tanzanians will have to contend with the fact they will have to wait a millenium for another 11minutes 3seconds pass, maybe.

The gods will have to throw a dice!!


©2010 newsync





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What Would Jesus Drive

 Since the CCC[Copenhagen Climate Conference] delegates and world leaders  failed to reach any legally  binding agreement, several  religious leaders and organisations   have taken it upon themselves to educate and scare unsuspecting people  into  taking the environmental issue seriously.

One of the leading groups in this global struggle to  reverse the effects of climate change is the Evangelical Environmental Network[EEN] an American non-profit  guided by the principle "WWJD" -with the bracelet and all.

" As of now i think we should settle for the  hybrids we have like the popular Prius and the Honda Civic Hybrid as we wait for our motor industry to pick itself up, dust itself off and finally move the fully electric concept Chevy Volt from the drawing board to the show room" said  Rev. Jim Ball PhD. Senior Director Climate Campaign EEN.

"Jesus understands our technological weaknesses in the car business and i believe he would gladly cruise in those Japanese toys till we come up with our zero emission versions of those Japanese toys. And yes i have a dream we will convince him with our drive America, build America pitch" he added.

The marketing people at Tesla motors contended no self respecting son of the most high would want to be associated with a  company in the red as bison meat as General Motors.

"touch me not you loss making corporation'  that's what we'd expect"   said Elon Musk  a major shareholder who hinted the Tesla Roadster would be more appealing to a man-god of his status.

But historians and behavioral scientist taking into  account   Christs carpenter class upringing, frugal lifestyle and humble demeanour   doubted he will go for such an expensive EV[electric Vehicle] no matter how much it pleased the EPA[Environmenta Potection Agency People].

"Despite  his  uber upper upper  heavenly class and  social status, Immanu'el was able to show extraordinary, almost paranormal levels of ordinariness and profound humility" said Prof. Linda Veerhofstaadt  a behavioral Scientist  at  Bethlehem University.

As endless confusing offers of all types of generous mpg   and nature friendly vehicles of every shape, size and design poured in, things were getting complicated and [environmental] experts and eco-car sales people had a difficult job  recommending the best car for the Messiah.

The Vatican proposed the pope mobile while India pointed out the strong points  of the Tata nano.

It is widely speculated Jesus has always had a liking  for a Honda but for his modesty didn't like to talk about it.  In the Gospel of st. John, he is on record  saying " i did not speak of my own Accord".

the modern day 2009 Colt, son of man's choice of mobility. Archangel Michael would be jealous

And  in a predictable fashion of 'follow the leader', all the apostles were known to car pool in a Honda  since it is written  "and  all the apostles were in one Accord"

Twenty first century scholarly findings however  show  Jesus finally settled for a  Mitsubishi Colt, a little known super mini. For Mathew chap. 21 verse 2:3 says it all and i quote

" Saying unto them ye shall find an ass tied, and  a Colt with her. loose them and bring them unto me. And if any  man say ought unto you, ye shall say, the Lord hath need of them and straight away he will send them"

Ok, the [car sales] is our thought to thought translation in order to put everything in a 21st century context for purposes of easy understanding without altering the original meaning.

But we now know the son of man would neither drive a gas guzzler nor a hybrid or an all electric but the humble mini of an 'obscure Japanese brand ' as the Americans would put it.

This further goes to show  " for God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son. Whosoever  believeth in him shall not perish[like the Dinosaur or the Amazon forest] but have everlasting life".

By which time Rev. Ball jumped in and swiftly concluded "for he was not sent to condemn the world, but to save it [from humans]"  John 3:16


©2010 newsync





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Australian KFC ad accused of portraying West Indians [who don't really mind] fried chicken lovers

KFC[Kentucky Fried Chicken]  the American chicken frying franchise is accused of racism by [mostly] American commentors on  the video sharing site you tube.  This came after a KFC ad made in Australia for the Australian market somehow found it's way to you tube.

KFC   officials  and  Australian citizens were shocked by the accusations but after recovering from their initial shock got angry with the you tube commentators for saying such bad things  about them.

         Mickey with a crowd size bucket of chicken nuggets up for grabs



The "commercial"  featured a "baseball"[cricket] fan called "Mick" whom the Americans prefer to call "Mickey" is surrounded by unruly West Indie fans. In a bid to calm them down he lifts the classic KFC  'crowd size' Bucket of crispy yummy! yum! chicken pieces. The [black] Windie fans fall over themselves for a piece the  extra crispy chicken wings, marinated thighs and spicy breasts, licking  away as "Mickey" closes by saying " too easy".

Indeed it is easy for the Aussies  and who can deny the all consuming deliciousness of finger food? But it seems the you tube commentators saw otherwise.

"It is true  black people like chicken but it doesn't have to be on national tv much less the internet" said Dion  Cleavon a Detroit tow truck driver.

" But smothered chicken and rice, man i can swallow that shit like nobody's watching..er i won't even care if they're watching heheh" he added.

"Nigga pleeease"


"West Indians are as African American  as Obama has a genuine  negro accent" said Darnell Wudrill a Wombat breeder  from Perth oblivious of his political incorrectness. " does it always have to be about them"

Historians believe the KFC fiasco to be an unfortunate clash of cultures and though both nations  have a lot in common like the first letter of the name of their countries, most believe that's it!! the rest is theory and  covert mutual dislike and distrust of the other.

"Geography does not help much either. At least the Canadians are just  across the border. In case of any misunderstanding well, you catch my drift " said Clive  McCaulin a US military historian.

When we asked about the possibility of the US.. maybe..sending some troops  to gauge the diplomatic atmosphere, Retired  Lt. General  Elroi Jahari [an African American] outlined the challenges.


  " Its much   like the middle east down there; very hot deserts but seven seas away. Our Humvees and equipment might fail in the heat and we can easily get lost in the Outbacks and the Northern Territories" he said.

"am telling you  that's not a country it's a whole mean, Continent of tough morons "

This is not the first time  Australia is accused of  'alleged misunderstandings of American culture' on tv.

" I don't know why the telly is their chosen  medium of humili-ation but what i know is if ya gat issuez with a sista, or brotha  ya  don' hide it on ya national tv. You either say it to his or her face or shove it down under; ya'll know what am sayin' " said Laqueta 17, an aspiring rap artiste, evidently  the Jackson Jive incident  still fresh in her  memory.

 
©2010 newsync





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Indonesian football fan decides to step in and do something instead of watching from the sidelines

An Indonesian football  fan Hendri Mulyadi  took matters of his country's national team into his own hands- and feet- when he grabbed the ball from Oman's half, went on a run dribbling and when he reached the 18 yard area  gave it a whack of a shot which was unfortunately, stopped by the Omani keeper.

In an interview with reporters, Mr. Mulyadi  25, through an interpreter  said  he was disappointed by his country's poor performance in  the on going Asian Cup tournament.

"they never seem to win, it's either a lose or draw" he said. " as a die hard fan and with a little inspiration from the English , i decided to take matters into my own two hands...and feet" he added.

Mulyadi immediately became a superstar to his country men and women and an immediate media sensation who described him as the 12th player.

               ..poor finishing but the dribbling was quite impressive

"This young man's efforts to save our face and keep our heads held high are very commendable" said  a respected football commentator Pak Abdiwahid Chahaya  in  a popular radio sports programme. " i strongly  recommend the Persatuan Sepak  bola Seruluh Indonesia PSS [Football Association of Indonesia] should look into giving this valiant young man some recognition in  monetary terms" he added

Officials  from the football association  said they won't be giving any money  to anyone but admitted the board was considering another proposal, of  letting Hendri watch any remaining Indonesia  matches  free of charge of any gate fees  under close supervision.

"But he will have to pay for his own Popcorn, Getuk Lindri[sweetened and coloured Cassava paste] and soda" said an official

 Not everybody was happy with the way things had turned out much less the Omani side. Even though they ended up winning 2-1 they said they will be filing  a complaint to Asian Cup  accusing Henri of head butting   the  player he tackled before snatching and  running away with the ball,  allegations  Henri denies.

The Indonesia Society  for Fair Play a non-profit  advocating fair play in popular sports like football and Badminton  and some officials of Liga Indonesia, the  country's Premier League condemned the act too.

" It is small, spontaneous acts like these which eventually  give rise to full scale hooliganism and cheating which drive a honorable,gentlemanly game like football into disrepute. Shame on the 12th player" said an angry  ISFP official.

" But i have to admit i admired the  lads dribbling skills, he could make a good winger" he added at the end presuming the microphone was off.

In the evening news on national tv,  TVRI, the President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono was hosting the new Manchester City  manager  Roberto  Mancini as a state guest. Details of their closed door meeting  and overall visit were  not immediately clear at the time of reporting.


©2010 newsync





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Senegalese people mad at statue of half naked woman

Senegalese President Abdoulaye Wade has come under fire from [some of] his subjects for plans to spend  27 million  US Dollars in the construction of a  statue of a man and wife and child with the man statue dragging along the wife statue, or holding her with both arms and balancing the baby on his arm or, walking and the wife following behind; at least  according to the blue prints.

The 160 foot bronze statue of  a physically fit man with big biceps and taking a 'heroic posture'  was condemned by some of the country's Muslims  who make 95 pc of the population as idolatrous.

"Just see the way the 'man' is posing, he's like Zeus about to strike with his thunderbolt" said Cheikh Mamadou Hamadi but his contemporaries thought he looked more like Hercules.

When the designs were redesigned to make the man statue pose in such a way he was holding the woman statue's hand who in turn was  carrying a baby statue, women rights groups protested that it painted women in a bad light and made them appear subordinate to men.

" why is the man statue leading  and dragging the hapless woman along" fumed an angry Ms. Aicha Yunus Taradi. "it's sad to see that women have to walk or pose  in the shadows of men even in inanimate City Square statues" she added.

The statues which Mr. Wade said represents African Renaissance and will attract tourists to the West African nation were seen as a waste of money which could be made useful in other projects like health care and fishing.

North Korean  bronze sculptors from the state run Mansuade Art studio in Pyongyang  numbering about fifty were brought in to help. The government explained they were attracted by the cheap labour and  fears that local people might sabotage the project.

But analysts said  the rare expertise in sculpturing the human  likeness of  their dear leader  was the determining factor.

As the prospects of making real tourism revenues turned from drawing board to reality, President Wade quickly declared through his top lawyers he is entitled to 35pc  of the proceeds of the venture because he owns the  "intellectual rights" for coming up with the idea both business and design; with the rest going to the government.

Papa  Malik Diouf a civil servant  proposed better things could have been done with the money like removing this pile of garbage first

At the time of going to press, the statue was up with the strong man wrapping his arms around his wife and child.

But alas! the Muslims were furious and disgusted by the fact that the wife [statue] was wearing very few clothes thus exposing 'her  thighs'.

The government promised to 'cover her up' using concrete  thus averting  further  protests which might come up in the name of wasting more money as a result the unexpected redesign work

 ©2010 newsync

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Readers rant: why does Sai's and Gyan's romance lack a happy ending like in the Bollywood movies

Book readers have been ranting for a long time, well, not exactly rant but expressed their disappointment on several aspects and probably chapters of Kiran Desai's book Inheritance of Loss, her second installment she describes as a satirical comedy.

They claimed there were a lot of open ended questions which are still unconvincingly un-answered and needed answers right now!!

"i need to know what eventually happened to the dog; what was it's name again?" said Caitlin Tamayaki a college sophomore from Nagoya "did the dog die"

The dog, let's call it/her/him 'puppy' and which by hunch we believe was a white cocker spaniel, the Judge's [a 'gentleman' we believe detested the trademark Indian 'rolled whiskers'] best companion and probably useful for therapeutic and emotional reasons, was abducted by the Gurkha 'freedom fighters' never to be heard of.

Going by popular opinion, this is the most open ended part of the book-animal lobby people denied they pushed any buttons. And the fictitious answer has always been a simple 'no' from Kiran.

Pet loving Brits and the Japanese wanted to know how old 'snow white' was by now at every opportunity of a town hall style book review, interview and 'will now take you questions' sessions but the author always explained politely that mid 1985 is a long time for a puppy even, to be alive.

"At best, it has lots of grand puppies and great great grand puppies.

But some voices of reason within the participants always knew "puppy" wasn't actually a puppy but it was used to make the Judge's best friend appear cute.

The Americans were unfazed by all the puppy love and wanted the answers to the real issues.

" i think as a big fan of Kiran not to mension the measure of respect i have for her mother Ms. Anita i should be accorded the literary privilege of knowing if Bijou was in the country legally" said Carl Bruckeinheimer a Texan." and i believe i speak for many Texans" he added.

But the most pressing question was how his Zanzibari friend of made it back to America, again, after deportation.

Other questions without mentioning names or geographical areas were stuff like "how did the Judge fair after losing both Sai and 'puppy'", " whether the Gurka are comparable to modern day Taliban", "is Gogola the Indian mis-pronunciation of coca-cola and what has Google got to do with it" etc. etc.

The 2006 joint Man Booker Prize and National Book Critic Circle[NBCC] award title certainly left a lot to be answered but the author had a few apologies on her masterpiece of open enders.

" am currently working on my third project" said Kiran sipping some masala flavoured chai, occassionally rubbing the neck of an Irish settler nicknamed Mutt the xxv.

Going by the authors style we hope it will be published by 2014, win a Pulitzer the same year and our readers rant about it by 2018.

©2010 newsync





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moviegoers complain; what's with this District 9 shit, treating the mighty and geeky Aliens like dirt

Movie goers in different area codes have finally made their voices heard about Dstrict 9 with the 'Civil Libertarians' amongst them expressing their total disgust and 'shame on us' on the way humans treated the Aliens.

The 'Anthropods' whose massive mothership got stranded mid-air amongst Johannesburg ground-scrapers were apparently, according to Wikus, subjected to 'inhumane living and demeaning social' conditions.

"it's not like they chose to drop the command module module on purpose so as to enjoy an extended stay on our..er..God's beautiful green earth " said the reformed Paul [Wikus] mid-shoot, in an off the hand-held camera remark about 56 hours before he was 'fully transformed to a 'prawn'.

"and i repeat, on this Earth we are only passers by and that was no way to treat visitors"

The District..sorry..District9 has been lambasted by both of Sci-fi moviegoers for HD-dvd[ASCIFIHD-dvd] a breakaway club of the Association of Sci-fi movigoers for Blu-ray [ASCIFIB].

Both share a lot in common but prefer to concentrate on their trivial differences and were once again reminded of however different they tried to look the much they remained alike.

Separate strongly worded letters were sent to the movie makers condemning the degradation and maltreatment of a species far smarter than us.

"Knowledge is power but as such the directors simply chose to ignore these wonderful truths and chose to treat the Alien species brutishly" say Kaynard Wilownsky Chairman of ASCIFIHD-dvd.

Indeed in all previous sci-fi's it is the humans who are always reprimanded by their far intelligent and 'light years away residents' of our common Universe. Either they[humans] are reprimanded for something they did or did not do or for doing nothing at all.

"We are simply not technologically developed enough to be considered partners in development by the aliens let alone fight them."

"These guys have taken the rules and decided to turn the tables upside down eh! and since when were box office grossing sci-fi's made in Godforsaken Africa for crying out loud" said a member preffering to remain anonymous.

D9 makers denied allegations their movie was a sci-fi in the traditinal meaning of the word thus partly justifying their poor treatment of 'Alien refugees' blaming it on the South African government.

Sources however confirm the government was under intense pressure from it's Xenophobic population.

"and i would like to add it is Apert-heidist to say a good softcore sci-fi cannot come from Africa" said director Neil Blomkamp.


Metacritic claimed the UNHCR had to share the blame because it lacked foresight to anticipate [and include] extra-terrestrial species dropping by- following a technical failure or just left homeless after their home planets are destroyed in an intergalactic fight or meteoric shower.

As usual, the movie Director apologised and promised a fairer 'show of power' sequel which will end hopefully, happily with Wiku van de Merwe now a fully metamorphosised 'prawn', transformed back to human and reunited with his dear wife.

Responding to minister of information Dora Akunyili's criticisms of the movie portraying Nigerians as criminals and cannibals Neil said 'it was just a [hit] movie' and former President Obasanjo liked it.


©2010 newsync





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Auld Lang Syne to the decade begone

Oh! boy, oh! boy, oh! boy the first decade of the first millennium is finally over, today, just like that and i chose this time because i believe nobody  is lagging. By now every country has to be firmly footed into the first day of 2010-Hawaii, American Samoa; greetings from Kiribati and Sidney. You guys in?
Well, though it was the first decade of the millennium which without a doubt puts it firmly in the 'once in a lifetime' pantheon of events [of course, unless you live to see the year 3000] i have to say it was fraught with challenges from the word go that is, year 2000- i will talk about that later.

Am i the only one who is gloating about the fckd up stuff of the last decade? i am being mild here because honestly i believe the whole decade was f... er,  just a complete mess-at least most of the times. Or is it just our demeanor as  humour writers- as they say first rule of humour writing; you have to hate everything around you.

And this 'hate' apparently included Christmas[for chrissake!] and the New Year- i didn't celebrate both in the earthly sense ifyouknowhatamsayin'[iykwas] especially the new year as i was busy tucked  away, not sleeping but with my transistor radio in moderate volume religiously following up events and celebrations around the world .

So, in actual sense i would like to say i was celebrating with my audience which is and has been as long as i can remember, the world and it's wide variety of cultures and peoples.

You might say am a news junkie,maybe. I tuned in to other stations both news and entertainment but subconsciously gravitated back to....wait for it...BBC world service, there i said it but i still insist am no news junkie- i love dancing Thriller style.

If we look back at the events of  of the last 10years which changed the world as we knew it, attacks on the WTC, credit crunch and CCC will summarise everything in a fantastic fashion but the in betweens of simultaneous wars, increased bigotry and terrosrism, deaths of pop icons and movie stars might top your long list of negatives. After all good news hardly makes the headlines  but let me not bore you with News Ync. stuff. There must have been a glimmer of hope somewhere.

Iraq is doing better than just okay, midyear the crunch is over- at least according to Greenspan, Africa is improving- don't ask me how and best of all being able to read this from a secure/unsecured, filtered/unfilterd   networks might mean you lived through all this-Alive and well hopefully.

Which brings me to the forgotten story of the Y2K bug, how it made bureaucrats jumpy, running up and down like lab mice on amphetamines. That was way before any 'major world changing event' as we know now but it sure kept the world's media talking and people fretting as if it were the end of the world.

Now we realise the scientists had anticipated it 5 years earlier and taken all necessary tests and precautions to ensure 'business as usual' were over in good time. Not that Y2K was not real hell no!! it was as real a terrorist threat by machine but preparation, goodwill and precaution saved the decade.

If only the same can be done now, we surely have reason to look forward to a 2010 of pleasant surprises.

Whether we should sing an auld lang syne for the ten years gone by or for the new year we are welcoming or both,well, over to you.  

 ©2010 newsync





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