Someplace Between The Afghani and Pakistani Border- In a rare announcement widely viewed as a seismic shift in policy, the al-Qaeda communications director Ahmad Al-Awrang announced Monday, English will be one of the languages in use in audio taped messages, VHS recordings and anonymous literature.
"We are fed up with all the substandard Arabic translations proliferating Western newsrooms" said al-Awrang in a heavily accented but fluent English. "Though my critics might disagree but the truth is most Arab-Americans speak pathetic Arabic" added Awrang.
Indeed most critics thought otherwise.
According to the CIA insider by the handle Agent Zee, most interpreters are from outside the United States.
"Omani Arabic, Yemeni Arabic, Saudi Arabic you name it, we've got it" said Agent Zee himself a born American of Arab heritage.
"Am not sure it is in my place to say this but i have to say this is classic case of misplaced priorities on the part of al-Qaeda i mean, they should leave this translation job and it's inherent costs to us. We are perfectly capapble" added Zee.
We submitted written questions to Awrang through his cave aids especially on the above point following the not so in the past report by the State Dept that the terror organization was facing difficult financial times.
"This is not about money, it's about principle" responded Awrang."Every American deserves the right to accurate translations whether it's a 15minute speech or 5minute 'howdy do'.This is a serious matter which can affect the daily routine of millions and going by living history, affect some for the rest of their lives" added Awrang.
Though al-Qaeda's concern sounds genuine and is a matter close to many a westerners heart as the first amendment analysts suspended this was a propaganda war between the two principals.
"I see his as a push-pull scenario with the Federal government keen to show the people it is doing a good job of translating what the terrorists are saying while the terrorists are saying hey, wait a minute, that does not translate to IED, it's mini nuke." said Craig Parnsley senior fellow at Washington State, department of International Relations.
"It's much like our foreign policy of winning hearts and minds and shocks and awe right back at us though most Americans would prefer the latter roosting some place else but home" concluded Parnsley.
as of the time of reporting, archived clips like the one above were being voiced over for re-broadcasts. Pundits predict the move will revolutionalize the delivery of video taped messages
Meanwhile, plans were underway to train fresh 'Linguistic Jihadists' initially majoring in American English then moving on to the less glamorous British and Australian English with successful candidates being awarded an international baccalaureate and TOEFL which will empower them to translate in any terror cell anywhere in the world.
Presently, due to the cash crunch lessons are by correspondence only specifically Skype but the organization is aggressively recruiting teaching staff.
"Naturalized or radicalized born citizens of Middle Eastern descent from English speaking countries are highly encouraged to apply while knowledge of regional accents is, mashallah, an added bonus" said a middle aged gentleman only known as Iqram.
Iqram, as we later found out from our Someplace- In- The- Afghani- And- Pakistani -Border sources, a Somali with a tan, 6"2' sporting a stiff red ochred goatie was the appointed director of the programme. A former textile entrepreneur considered by his peers as a quick witted visionary.
It was also revealed the decision to 'tape in the infidel's language' as it were was reached following a non scientific research by the 'QLJ' [Qaeda Loya Jirga-council of elders] which showed the anglophone market made up more than 95 per cent of all messages. The same sources confirmed the English tapes will retain their Arabic subtitles just to make it clear 'this is not a bluff".
On a parting shot, we asked Iqram where he saw the programme and indeed the school five years from now.
"Five years is a long time my friend. This is going to be an instant hit. First of all we are going to spell check the 'Al-qaidas', 'mutallabs' and 'mujaheedeens' and other ambiguities so as to come up with a standardised system. Then you will have to get used to..wait..am spoiling the fun. Just wait and see but my promise is after we are done with the recording, the results are going to be 'shockingly awesome' " concluded Iqram.